1St Timer

[Jeannine]

Hello,

I am a 1st timer and have just gotten up enough nerve to try this. A few months ago I lost my best friend - my husband. I am completely numb and unable to put one foot in front of the other. Since long before his death his estranged children made our lives miserable. The 3 weeks he spent in the hospital was horrible - beyond belief. Then he died as a direct result of the care he was (not) receiving at the hospital. The fights continue and the pressure has left me without engery to fight anymore. I was just wondering if anyone else has faced a similiar situation and maybe we could chat. I am left with one son, two adorable small granddaughters, and my brother. Small group of support. I have two local trips to take in the next two weeks. Each is to distribute his ashes as he wished. I feel completely alone most of the time.

J

Email me

God Bless

[LindaG]

J-

Welcome. My husband died in October while at work of a heart attack at the age of 39. The isolation of emotion is something that you have to deal with. You can be in a room with a hundred people and still feel it. No one else feels what we are feeling and no one understands. Please try to find a grief counselor and go see them often at first. It will be of some relief as you can unload with that person what you can't say to friends and family.

I visit this site often when something happens that no longer makes sense to me and sure enough I will find a few people experiencing the same family drama or just dealing with the grief.

I found I was hyper sensitive and still am to some extent to what is said about my husband or not said.

Please stay with us and don't be afraid to write what you are experiencing it is the best way to receive common feedback and ways to cope.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

- Linda G

[mlg]

J

I didn't try this for 6 mos after Tom died and then only read for quite a while before I posted anything. A grief counselor or a grief support group or both are wonderful ideas. Most of us find that you are basically numb for the first year, so just breathe, eat and do what you can to keep you going. Keep coming here because hopefully you'll get some help.

You can put anything on here. Sometimes it really helps to just let off the steam.

[nats]

J, my wife joined the the Lord on 2/14/10 so I'm also new,

you have done good seeking some answers here I knew within the first

few days no matter how strong I had been in the past since Ruth is not here

I have been drained of my strength so I came here, then I took additional steps

by seeking local support, they both have helped and I hope and pray you will also

find some answers and comfort, keep comming back the people here understand and

we all have something we can give to each other our support within support...

May God Be With You...

NATS

[Susie Q]

Dear Jeannine

I'm sorry that you have recently lost the person who made your life complete. My husband died suddenly nearly 8 months ago and I still feel numb and just an observer in my own life. I don't have the family issues you describe but I know that everything that is happening to you and around you now, is intensified.

It helped me to know from caring people here that these high levels of emotion, the ups and downs from one hour to the next and the feelings of disorientation and being overwhelmed are 'normal' and they will eventually ease a little. I struggle every day to get up and try to refashion something like a day that he would want for me, but to keep trying is important. I too feel sometimes like the only person on the planet, even when I'm in a crowd of familiar faces.

You need to lean on those that give you what you need at this time - sometimes it's family; sometimes it's friends and sometimes help comes from unlikely places. Trust what you think is best for you. Putting one foot in front of the other without placing unrealistic demands on yourself is also important. I had six months off work and did a lot of staring at walls during that time, but that's what I needed to do at first. Having said that I accepted good advice and went out somewhere every day, even on the days I had to force myself to do it, but it helped give me a routine. Auto-pilot was the state I was in for months.

Come back often to read and talk about how you feel, especially when you feel like no-one else understands. It's sad, but everyone here does know. With my best wishes...Susie Q

[Sharon3]

I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. Susie Q put it best (and always does). It is a time where your emotions are riding right on top of your skin and you feel every disappointment to a high degree. I too felt very alone. I never found this site until Xnas Eve, 10 months after my husband passed away and it has been a great help along with my grief counsellor and my small number of friends who get it. It is so true when people say you have to rewrite your address book when you loose your spouse and in many cases family too. You are numb for a long time. My husband has been gone now for almost 13 months and my sister tells me things that happened last year that I don't remember because I was in such a fog, just moving is how I put it.....Keep busy, feel what you feel and be kind to yourself and be proud of yourself for what you are dealing with.

[kayc]

Jeannine,

I am so sorry you lost your husband. What you are going through is going to take all of your energy, so please try not to let others rob you of any of it with their petty bickering and drama...you will need to protect yourself as much as you can by being around supportive encouraging people. Somehow the others seems to fall away anyway. Remember that you would be first to your husband, even before his children, and treat yourself kindly. It's okay to still talk to him, it's okay to cry, to rant, please come here and share with us whenever you want. It is all of us helping each other through this.

[Maryo]

Jeannine,

I am also sorry about the loss of your husband.

This site is where you will find comfort from people who have also lost a loved one.

The best advise I can offer is to take one day at a time. This is a difficult journey one of the hardest I have ever had to deal with, but it will get better.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[Korina]

Jeannine:

I am very glad you have found this forum, though it totally sucks that you had to find us.

SusieQ's experience is very close to my own and I would echo her advice. It is a terrible fog to muddle through each day. I ignored all news and sports for months - in other words, I guess I just focused on getting through each day without worrying about all the goings on of the outside world. I took it one moment at a time (still do), and trusted that I would know when it was time to take a new step. Have faith in yourself that you are strong, and you will learn to adjust to your different life.

As you can see by the many helpful posts, the people here care, and have many different experiences with which we can help each other.

Hang it there,

Korina

[TerryY]

I am also a first time user, I,m not even sure if I'm doing this right. I loss my husband Feb. 17, 2010, the worse day of my life. They are not getting any better. I keep begging God to send him back, I don't want him to hurt anymore just come back to me. We have been married 35 years, I still can't speak in the past. He was injured at work 21 years ago, he lost his leg above the knee. Everything they did to save it cost him most of his sight, and a lot of his hearing. In 1999 day of our daughter's high school graduation, he was admitted for his heart, two days later he had open heart surgery. He had been sick off and on, prescriptions seemed by the dozens. Then one day last summer he woke up with such a back ache I took him to the ER. Ct scan later we have cancer. My husband has always been the one that gets something nobody else gets, all the 1 in a 100, he is always that one. This time it was bile duct cancer, that had mastasized to the liver, pancrease, gallbladder, and spleen. We never told until Feb. 10th that it was stage 4 last summer. He was given 6 months, two days later 3 months, 2 days later hospice, then 30 minutes.

It hurts so bad that I can't stand it. I get up and cry, go to work and cry, come home and cry, and of course I have to cry to go to bed. Wayne had been home for 21 years, the only time he got out was either with me, or with our daughter. I called my doctor, she sent me something for sleep, I'm going in to see her next week. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't remember anything, I was looking at someone yesterday I've known for 3 years I could not think of her name, it happens alot. I know people who are married, divorced, and single, but no one in my position. There is no way they can even try to understand.

[nats]

Terry I am so saddend by your loss as well, I know how you feel i lost my wife 2/14/10

try and take it slow one day at a time, do what you find comfort in I to cry a lot morning,afternoon, and evening

but they say thats good try and focus on the good things...keep comming here and try and find a local support

group...you all are in my prayers every night....

NATS

[Korina]

Terry:

So many of have and still are going through the things you are describing, and you are so right - unless a person has gone through a loss like ours, it is next to impossible to truly understand. How can we expect them to; I know I certainly didn't have an inkling about such pain before my husband died. That is why this forum is so helpful.

There is a lot of good advice already posted in this thread. This is a roller coaster of emotions we are all riding, and it is tough going. But you will learn to live in your new reality. And I hope you and your daughter are able to help each other and support each other through these days.

Please try to take care of yourself by eating, though it may be the last thing you feel like doing. And just take it one moment at a time.

We are all here for you.

Hugs,

Korina