Grieving For All My Losses.

[jmb]

I'm brand new to this site and I love it already.

My sister died in January. I knew since last April that she had advanced lung cancer, so I understand that I have been experiencing anticipatory grief.

Because we live thousands of miles apart, I haven't seen much of my sister over the past 30 years, but I was lucky enough to be able to spend time with her last October and again in January. She died in hospital. When I arrived in early January, my sister was sitting up in bed, obviously terribly ill, but able to chat. After a few days she lapsed into unconsciousness, and stayed like that for several days - I can't remember how many days exactly, and never regained consciousness.

This unrousable person looked nothing like my sister. Her usual thick curly brown (dyed) hair was colourless, thin and straight. Her whole appearance looked nothing like her. It's like I lost her days before she actually died.

What I'm finding now is her death has taken the lid off a lifetime of previously unrecognised and unexpressed grief, from my father's death when I was 9, to my losing siblings to emigration, and my mothers death weeks after I emigrated, newly married and pregnant with my first child.

Since then I have lost my marriage, my home, and for a number of years my children. I have felt alienated for years from my original family. I feel that I have reached some sort of rock bottom with grief. I am finally feeling the devastating pain of facing the losses and the awareness that absolutely nothing will change the past.

My youngest child left home 2 years ago, and I did grieve that, but now I am dealing with the fact of life that I am living alone, my children have grown, and all my previous attempts to get close to family have failed. I am finally letting go.

Will this pain ever end? Will I ever feel strong enough to take up so many activities that I was planning before my sister's terrible diagnosis? It's not that I'm not interested, but that there are so many things I want to do, also many things that need to be done, and I feel overwhelmed and end up doing only the barest essentials to survive.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Thank you for reading this.

jmb

[jmb]

I guess not.

[DeeGee]

Hi jmb, and welcome. I want to give you my condolences for the loss of your sister. And your other losses too.

I am sure no expert. Just another person here. My husband died 7 months ago after a 14 month battle with cancer. The end for him went similarly to what you are describing, as he was only semi-conscious for the last three days.

And to answer your question, yes, I think the grief that you feel when someone dies also brings back the grief that you felt for other deaths and other losses. I know that for those first months I was just sad and upset about everything.

Don't give up on this board yet. You will get other replies - probably better than mine. Just give it a little time.

In the meanwhile, again, my condolences. I hate feeling this grief, by the way. It is just awful.

DeeGee

[loulou]

Hi jmb.Im sorryfor the loss of your sister,and parents.My father passed in jan.I have been having the hardest time with my other relationships.My fiancee and I go back and forth.My 2 small kids drive me nuts.I cant stand any of the people I was friends with.I cant stand going to work.The list goes on and on.If I had the energy I would be worried.I have had lots of deaths in my pass,but the loss of my dad so suddenly has consumed me.He was 49,and I was very close to him.I'm angry that people dont understand my grief,and now that it's been 3 months,everyone else is over it.I feel alone.Family is so difficult,isnt it?I really wanna seperate myself from my other family.Is it wrong to stop your relationships that are not healthy for you,even if that's your family?Thats what I wonder.I cant imagine what it would be like to bury a sister.That has got to be so hard.I want to take the lesson from my dad's death,to live your life to the fullest and be loving and kinder,but like you,I struggle with basic things and have no energy or urge to do those things.I hope I get better soon.To me it makes sense that you would grieve all your losses.And I hope we are both in a normal spot for grief.It was only Jan. for both of us.That isnt really long at all.If you dont mind,I wonder what you think about my family problems(and friend problems)?Take care of yourself,you are not alone.

[niamh]

Hi JMB, I am sorry for all your losses. This is a great site with so many great caring people on it so I'm glad you found it. It gives us all a chance to vent, rant and know there is someone else in the world experiencing similar feelings. I lost my loving Dad suddenly just before Christmas. Does the pain ever end, unfortunately I can't answer that. I'm knee deep in it and it feels like it will never end, it will just be part of me forever. Life has changed, I can't control it, can't change what's happened and I'm stuck with this pain, sorrow and emptiness forever.

I don't have interest in doing anything anymore, I do the bare minimum, going to work, meeting friends for hour or so every so often.

However I will say there are things I want to do in work....I've been removed from the role I had before this happened because for now it's too hard, too much pressure. That frustrates me, the old job was my dream job and I used to love it. While I dont actually enjoy work like I used to I want to just be able to do that job but I can't. It's too much, too overwhelming as you say. The smallest things now like talking in a meeting (even going to a meeting) has me get nervous and it all frustrates me because this was not the person I was. But she's gone and I have to learn to do all these things over again from scratch. So like you I just do the minimum, I put things off till tomorrow, next week, the week after and do them when time runs out and I just have to.

anyways, keep talking to us, we can listen and tell you what we are going through and maybe you will find some comfort that you're not alone and others are feeling things similar to you....

[jmb]

Thank you DeeGee for your reply and for your welcome. I am sorry to hear that your husband died. Thank you also for reassuring me. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy! I used to feel like that a lot many years ago. I actually did go 'crazy' - several times, but I realise now, with hindsight, that was a normal reaction to an abnormal situation - growing up in such an abusive, alcoholic, dysfunctional family. I was the identified patient - nothing wrong with anyone else!!!

Since my sister's death I am sort of reliving a lot of the past. Old memories resurfacing, long buried emotions coming to the surface. To make things more difficult, I have had a badly infected tooth, which was extracted yesterday.

I am going to see my GP this evening, just to be on the safe side.

Once again, thank you, and I'm sorry for sounding so immature before.

jmb.

[jmb]

Hi loulou,

So sorry that you've lost your dad. I can understand that his death has hit you so hard. Also I can understand having a hard time with other relationships. I've had trouble all my life with all sorts of relationships, family in particular. What has helped me so much with that has been going to Alanon. Of course that's not for everybody.

When I went to UK to be with my sister, I was shocked to discover that her family were not all that I thought they were. My sister was famous for being 'positive' and only ever said everything was fine in letters and phone calls. A lot of attention was paid to academic and material success. I was in awe of her children, especially as my marriage was a disaster, and my own children had so many problems as a result.

The reality was very different though. They are high achievers all right, but some of them behaved atrociously towards me. But it was all sort of hush hush. I was so hurt, and being so far from home, and alone made it all the more difficult to deal with.

I have learned such a lot about grief since then - by talking to grief counselors, books, and websites, and now here. I have learned that everyone is different and grieves differently. Some people I thought of as friends have ignored the fact my sister died, other people have surprised me by giving me big hugs and showing compassion. Right now I can't deal with people who act as though nothing has happened. I have a great need for my loss simply to be acknowledged. I see it as courtesy and respect, even plain manners. I am rethinking everything. I don't want those people in my life. I don't resent them, but need to take care of myself.

For me, family are the last people that can help, but that's because of deep issues that go back a long time.

Loulou, small children can be exhausting at the best of times. My experience has been that whenever I'm not traveling well, the little ones become more demanding. Then it becomes a vicious cycle. It's so important to take good care of yourself, and get all the help you possibly can.

jmb

[loulou]

jmb,thanks for your reply.I have been having a hard time with others,and feeling frustrated.My family is small,and they are not helping at all.I'm just at a loss when it comes to friends and family.I just need to work on myself,I guess.I cant believe your sisters family acted like that.Actually,I can believe it.I'm sorry,you didnt deserve that.I have people in my life that put alot of attention on academics and material things,and honestly,they seem like the most un-happy people.I kinda got offended yesterday with someone on this site,I feel kinda bad about it,but it was about my old friends.They seem to have forgot all about me,which is not ok in my book.This person said that you have to put in energy to a friendship if you want it returned.She said since I'm grieving I dont have the energy,and friends arnt supposed to be our counselors.I honestly dont put any pressure on my friends to be like a counselors.I try to not talk about it,and frankly,they dont call or pick up when I call them.I'm sorry,but friends should be there for you,in my book anyway,and I KNOW I'm there anytime they have needed me.I since have been trying to change my life and who I consider friends.Sorry,I'm rambling,Thanks for listening.tata for now friend,try to smile

[MartyT]

Loulou, dear, I'm so sorry to learn that what I said to you yesterday has offended you, because that certainly was not my intention at all. Let's see if I can have another go at it, in an attempt to clarify what I meant to say.

I did not mean to imply that you haven't put sufficient energy into your old friendships or that you have no right to expect others to "be there" for you in your grief. I simply meant that if you find they are not there for you in the ways that you need them to be, you may not have the energy or the will to confront them effectively about that right now, and you may want to look elsewhere for the understanding, comfort and support you need and deserve.

Because our culture isn't comfortable with the subject of death, until it happens to us directly, few of us know how to cope with the pain of loss and grief. We don't permit or encourage the free expression of sorrow in our society. Instead, many of us learn to control our feelings and hide our pain so we won't embarrass ourselves in public or disturb other people. Sometimes we're reluctant to turn to others, either because we haven't learned to accept or ask for help, or we're afraid others won't know what to do with our feelings. If others are unfamiliar with the intensity and duration of grief, or uncomfortable with the expression of strong emotions, they may offer only meaningless platitudes or clichés, change the subject, or avoid us altogether. And there may be times when we will feel hurt by their thoughtless, trivializing comments. What is more, some people we know may be done with our grief long before we are, expecting us to be "over it by now" or worrying that we're somehow "hanging on" to our grief. Uncomfortable with our strong feelings, they may change the subject or avoid any mention of our loved one's name.

The challenge for us is to find ways to cope with the loneliness and isolation of grief. We need to think about and identify who is supportive in our environment and who gives our life purpose and direction. Our list may include family members, pets, relatives, close friends, co-workers, teachers, colleagues, clubs, athletic activities, religious groups, online forums such as this one, in-person grief support groups, bereavement counselors and therapists.

While some folks really are thoughtless and don't think before they speak, bear in mind that many well-meaning individuals have yet to experience a significant loss, so they really don't know what grief feels like, how to respond, or what to say. They aren't deliberately trying to hurt us. After all, no one can totally understand the relationship we had with our loved one.

We can't expect others to guess what we need, either. So often in grief, we don't even know what we need! (We certainly know what we want. We want our loved one back ~ but that is the one thing we cannot have, and nobody else can give it to us either.) When we want to be contacted, touched, held, hugged, listened to or pampered, we must say so. If all we want from others is help with simple errands, tasks and repairs, we must say so. If we want and need to be left alone, we need to say that as well, so others (especially children) won't feel rejected.

I think it boils down to this: When dealing with others who aren't living up to our expectations of how we think they should "be there" for us, we have three choices: We can choose to bear with such people, we can enlighten them about what we know about grief, or we can look to others who are more understanding to find the support we need.

[loulou]

Marty,Im sorry that I was touchy.I dont know why I would have got defensive.You are right about other people,I dont have the energy to CONFRONT them,or even put much thought behind why they arnt there for me now.The truth is this was going on before he died.Now I'm just hurt that they seem to avoid me.I guess I just feel lonely.It's no excuse for me to be snappy at anyone on this site.Most important,you have been there to listen to me and givin me some great advice.I must admit that I have acted the same way to people before this happened to me.I didn't realize the severe pain that grief inflicts.I really should look harder at myself and stop thinking that the world revolves around me and my pain.When you say we have to learn to cope with our isolation it makes so much sense.As for saying what I need,I just wanted these 2 friends to just call once.Just to say hi.It's been two months,and I'm waiting it out,cause I dont want to bug them if they dont want to talk to me.IDK.Marty my huge problem right now is with my mom.I have something else I want your advice on,but I will post else where.I'm sorry again,I'm a nice person,and I know you didnt deserve my dramatics.

[jmb]

Hi niamh,

Thank you for your kind reply. You're right, this is a great site. I find it comforting to learn that grief is a normal part of life, and that it is 'normal' to feel so much pain. I'm so sorry that you lost your Dad. I lost my dad when I was little, and there's not a day goes by when I don't think about him. Mind you, I think about all my family every day. Sad to say, they are often not happy thoughts.

For me, every loss is different. Because of the great distance between Australia and UK, I didn't see much of my sister over the years, and she never came here to see me. So, I don't actually miss her in the usual sense. After all, I am used to not seeing her for years on end, and often we would have no contact apart from Christmas and Birthday cards. But out of the blue, I will suddenly burst into tears, just knowing that she is gone. It's almost as if it were a terrible dream, but I know too well, it is not. At her funeral my cousin asked me what I was thinking of when I was sobbing hard. I was remembering our childhood. We shared a lot of history. We witnessed together a lot of dreadful things that children should never see. I grieve because I will never have the opportunity to talk about those memories. I longed to talk about the 'old days' with her. I had hoped that one day we would. Thankfully, I had a couple of weeks in October with her, and we talked more in those 2 weeks than ever in our whole lives before. I am so glad for that . We just talked and talked. It's ironic, because if she hadn't been so sick, she wouldn't have sat still for more than 10 seconds, she was such a busy bee.

I find it very helpful to talk to grief counselors. I find it reassuring to know that grief can be exhausting. If someone hadn't told me that I would have been anxious about being so tired. I find great comfort in sharing.

Thank you niamh, I do find comfort in knowing I am not alone. Thank you to those who read this.

jmb

[annette85035]

JMB...

I am always hearing that each of us grieve and heal in different ways and different speeds..

Today would be my 18th wedding anniversary with my late husband and even though I'm still devoted to him,I have learned to do things for myself again.

Your friends and family mean well,I think you realize that..but they need to give you some SPACE to heal and you need to be able to accept a LITTLE of their help