Still Depressed And Unhappy.

[Suzanne R.]

I am going to a supposedly happier event this evening at the same location where there was a family get-together after my husband was waked and interred 85 days ago. I'm going because I know that Dan's family members would like to see me but I am only looking forward to going home. There will be music and I am so afraid it will haunt me from when we used to listen to music, as I stay away from anything we did together. I am not looking forward to this and I am really depressed, and still heartbroken and I just want to get it over with. There are a few more "happy" events coming up in the next month that will be traumatic for me and I plan on being a recluse by the time summer rolls around. I have already decided that I will not be around any kind of body of water as I know in my heart it will be too hard for me to endure. Danny will not be there with me physically so I am determined to avoid this pain in my heart from worsening. I don't see how I will be getting any better since I know I will always miss him and I really don't understand how anyone will be willing to go forward after the death of their spouse. I realize the grief will always be with us, I just don't get it, how can people go on and live life. I know I can't, the pain is too deep and I am not really happy nor will I ever be. I am not looking forward to the summer whatsoever. Rain or shine I just want to be indoors and by myself. I just know I need to keep posting to keep in touch. I really wish I could help others but that doesn't seem possible when I am too sad and depressed to do so. God bless.

[Susie Q]

Dear Suzanne

Over the last eight months going to family and special events without my husband has been one of the hardest things I've had to endure.

I didn't return to work for five months, I stayed away from my interests and community fundraising because it was just all too much to bear but I knew that by not going to 'special' events I would hurt a lot of people who cared about me, and like you, that has been the only reason I've attended.

I was anxious for weeks before the first couple and I cried at how I would cope. It's not about being there alone, but more that he won't be there with me. I also didn't want the attention from big groups and it was a fear of how I would react. A counsellor told me that this is a common trauma faced during grief.

She suggested that as soon as I arrive, I say to the host or family members, 'I'll probably only stay a little while - it's still really hard for me.' So that's what I did at the first one and although it took me a couple of stops on the way there to compose myself and I arrived an hour late, I made it to my niece's 21st and I stayed two hours. I wanted to run away every minute but I didn't. When the tears started to really build I said my goodbyes and people were caring and understanding.

Since then I've been to about five other big things and I've used the same tactic, and do you know what, it does get easier. Last night I went to another family birthday party and I stayed for four hours and drove straight there - no crying stops on the way. I did cry all the way home, but at least that's some progress to be proud of. Also I find that there are some small but wonderful moments at each of these functions - a caring word or a remembrance of him that warms my heart.

One last thing - it might look like people just get on with their lives after they lose someone, and I too questioned how they could, and knew that for me I would never recover from such a loss. What I know very clearly now, is that it's all a mask. You struggle to present yourself to the world in a certain way but it's not how you feeling on the inside. I can't say I've enjoyed any of these events and that's another huge loss we suffer - just the joy of being part of an extended family group and loving the time we share together.

Every day will continue to be a trial but I think that maintaining past relationships is very important at this time. I also feel he would want me to keep family connnections strong. Go for a little while - and keep going even though it will be so very hard. I wish you well...Susie Q

[Sharon3]

In the beginning I think I said yes to about 90% of the invites. I thought if I said no they would quit asking and I didn't want to end up alone with nothing to do and with no friends or family for the rest of my life. I can honestly say each and every time I felt like a caged rat looking for a way out. My counsellor told me as well that that was a normal grieving feeling. Unfortunately we have to feel the pain.

Large groups of happy people are still not my thing yet before my husband passed away I was the realy social one, loving big events.

I really only feel somewhat comfortable in small groups and one on one and I am now listening to my intuition more because I have learned through my early experiences what causes me the most pain and what can actually take me to a different place, if even just for a few hours. There are lots of different ways to keep in touch with people and to participate without actually attending every event....we do need to know ourselves and to be kind to ourselves in whatever form that takes but like the rest of this journey, you need to feel the experience of it to know what is right for you. So I never travel without kleenex and rarely put eyeliner or mascara on my lower lash..just another learning on this path we all take.

[Korina]

Other than just being with family, I really didn't have any big gatherings to attend except for my aunt's 90th birthday, and a bbq for part of Scott's extended family. My aunt's 90th was okay because I went with my parents, uncle and aunt, and with Scott's sister and brother in law for the bbq. If I attended other events (non-family related), I only did so when and if I felt ready to do so. In general though, I have found it theraputic to attend functions. Perhaps this is because I often went to such things without Scott as he never much liked going to these events (and when he did go, he was always chomping at the bit to leave), plus in my job, I often had to attend functions on my own.

I have been very lucky in the support of my family, Scott's family, and friends, and being with them, though EXTREMELY bittersweet, particularly because I should have been celebrating our daughter's first Christmas with Scott, for example, has on the whole, been a very good thing. Never before have I realized just how important family is, now that my family/soulmate is gone.

Take care,

Korina

[kayc]

Suzanne,

How did you do?

[Suzanne R.]

Hi KayC,

I got through the night but it happened that the theme was my husband's favorite singer and if no one said anything to me because the music was so loud I would've gotten through it since it was hard to think, never mind break down. While I was glad to see my husband's family including his niece who the event was for, (it was her 50th birthday party) all who were there are also huge fans of Dan's favorite singer. My daughter-in-law asked me if I was ok and I nodded and she said we could leave anytime I wanted, I said "No, I'm fine, but thanks" then suddenly one of Dan's nieces came over and sat with me and talked me through my moment of anguish because the impersonator was singing a slow song, the song Danny used to sing to me. She knew and she was so sweet by hugging me and talking to me I kind of lost it for a moment, but somehow composed myself because I didn't want to take the special night away from the 'birthday girl'. Dan's sister, who invited me really felt bad because she didn't even know about this surprise. But other than that I talked mostly with my son and his wife and got to see Dan's nieces and nephews so I got through it unscathed. I just wished Dan was with me of course. He would have really enjoyed it, except for the music being so loud. But at the moment my life is back to being subdued, quiet, and reclusive. I think even though it's very difficult I'll go to the few events that are coming up just to see my kids, grandkids, and family but I have all of the rest of the year to be by myself and hope I don't have to live to be 95 and while looking at a picture of Dan, "Oh yes, that's who I used to be married to, he was a great guy." This is what breaks my heart, that he won't be with me for the next 20 or more years. You are the only one who asked me about my 'night out' so I really thank you for answering my post. I'll just hold on like we all must do. I hope you are doing well. God bless.

Suzanne

[loulou]

My cousins wedding is in a month.My father was living with her and her fiance when he passed.My father was supposed to be in the wedding.My cousin was on the phone with him,on her way to get my dad during his last breaths and she found him.I'm excited for them,but I'm so scared I wont be able to make it through without having a melt-down and ruining the whole thing.I already get teared up at the thought of being with all the people who loved him,that were the closest to him,with-out him.I hope god gives me the strength I need to not ruin my cousins wedding.

[kayc]

Suzanne,

You held up, you did well! It is amazing the strength we have that we never knew about...me, I always thought of myself as a strong person until George died, it took me by surprise at just how HARD it hit me and how encompassing it was...but it really shouldn't have surprised me, he was, after all, everything in the world to me.

I don't think you'll ever look at his picture nonchalantly that way...you will always miss him and he will always hold that very special place in your heart, no matter how many years go by, even once you've adjusted to your "new life" (God how I hate that term, it's really a misnomer). Maybe, just maybe, the music that you heard was Dan's message to you that he is not totally gone but lives on inside of you...that's how I think of my George, like I can reach down inside of myself and access him any time I want...but shhh...I don't want anyone hauling me away!

I'm glad you have family to be with and that they are caring.

Kay