Exhausted

[2sweetgirls]

Does anyone else just feel exhaused, emotionally AND physically? I don't know how much more I can take.......

(not suicidal, just sick of it)

[niamh]

absolutely hun, the smallest thing takes it out of me, guess our minds are 24x7 trying to process and deal with it all so it is exhausting. I can just be doing nothing, sitting around but it still tires me. When I am off work and do little things like shopping, doing odd jobs which really doesn't take all that long timewise Im beat from it and just want to get home, lie on the couch and chill out alone, so I can rest my body and mind.

I find it particularly tiring when I meet a friend, I think it's just trying to keep it all together, have a conversation with someone I'm whacked after it.I had a training day in work yesterday, it wasn't anything that required lots of brain work, it was just simple listening for the day. Today I could hardly keep my eyes open in work, I was so tired and just couldn't focus on anything long enough to be "productive" so I figure yesterday took it out of me completely.

Grieving is emotionally exhausting and that just spills out to the physical side, it's the hardest most tiring thing I've ever encountered.

just try to get rest and try to rest up when you need it as often as you can, take things easy. Sometimes I get so tired from doing odd jobs I put some off for the next day, next weekend coz I just can't do it all together these days,

big hugs and love to you today,

niamh

xo

[Kavish]

HI ,

I am sorry for your loss of your mom. I just would like to say that if one fills the heart with love the heart will grow to dissolve the pain. We can do it.

Your 2 little lovely daughters would help you with taking care of your pain. When my best friend died I learned from her that inspite of all the hurdles she always was kind and loving.

Cheers,

Kavish

[annette85035]

Sometimes people try to keep themselves so busy,that they figure they won't have time to THINK about their loss,their pain..but physically, it will catch up with you and you will have to grieve

[loulou]

I havnt cleaned my kids room since dec. before my dad died.I dont do anything unless I have to.I'm ALWAYS exhausted,and so damn fed up.....

[SHeiss]

I feel the same way. I am constantly exhausted and yet I cant sleep. I finally did sleep all last weekend. I feel like that is all I did. It was definitely refreshing. But now I am back to my normal I cant sleep at night due to my thoughts about my dad. Last night I finally dozed off at an okay hour of 3:00 AM every other night since Sunday it has been 5 or 6 AM and then I have to go to work at 9:00. I am sick of it too. Sometimes I just wish I could take a mental vacation or sleep for a week. Maybe even a medically induced coma for a week or so just to catch up on some Z's.

So in my eyes... you are perfectly normal.

I wish I could take your pain away

[2sweetgirls]

I wish I could take everyone's pain away too.

I'm just glad to actually be normal. Most times, I don't know weather I'm coming or going. I am all over the map. Sometimes I feel like I can start to be ok and then it's like a brick that comes from the sky and brings me down again.

I wish I could rest also. I close my eyes in front of the TV and seem exhausted then when I go to bed, I can't sleep right away. There's so many things swirling around in that head of mine. Then, I finally get some sleep and the baby gets up at 6am. It's not like that everyday but, it's been a few days now. I feel like a zombie.

Tomorrow will be 5 months since mom died. At 7:30pm, I will take a moment to remember the most horrible moment of my life so far- when I got that damned call I wish I never got.

Anyway, I pray that the Lord can guide us to a different place because this place seems impossible to get out of sometimes even though I'm scratching and clawing. I LOVE YOU, MOM!!!!!!

Wishing you all hugs, love and peace within.

[bflyrn]

I feel like I'm in this phase where things are good for a couple days, then I sleep a lot, barely get extra errands run, feel completely drained. Then I can't sleep for a couple days. I have one reminder of my dad and I'm fine but then another just triggers the tears to flow. The part that sucks is thinking I'm doing better then realizing I'm still not. At this point, I don't know what I can do. Everyone has already heard my depressing stories, I feel like I can't keep going with them. But damn it, I miss my dad! It probably still hurts because I just had a birthday. I just don't know how to handle the rest of my life without him.

[niamh]

thinking of you today 2sweetgirls, I find I now hate the 17th of every single month.

I've been having probs sleeping last few days and it's really taking it's toll on me, Walking around trying to concentrate in work but eyes just hanging and my whole body just feels weary and worn down. maybe I can catch up on some proper zzzzs at the weekend when I can forget about work completely.

bflyrn, I can relate to what you are saying and I just want to say please don't feel like you can't say the same thing over with us here, sometimes I feel things are just going around in circles and I know at times I write the same thing over coz that's just how I feel. I find it's comforting to find someone else then nods and agrees and feels so similar.

hugs, love and peace to each of you who are so special to me now,

niamh

xo

[jodo]

Hi "2sweet girls" ! I'm sorry that I haven't replied to you sooner, I read all your posts and want to reply but I truly haven't had the mental or physical

energy to do it ( I think you might understand that !) First of all, I am so sad for you, and the loss of your Mom. I'm so glad you're here and meeting so many other kind,loving people that are going through exactly the same thing and feeling the same way.

I lost my Dad exactly 4 months ago today (Dec.30th) I, like you struggle daily with guilt feelings and with terrible visions I can't get out of my head, I'm seeing a counselor, but I think I'm gonna have to try a stronger form of therapy to erase the visions. So for now I just try to get up everyday and function the best I can. I have sobbed EVERYDAY (but 1) , and it's not a few tears, but an uncontrollable sobbing! I never would have imagined it was possible to cry this much!

How is your Dad doing ? Are they able to treat his cancer ? I hope that he will make a full recovery. Are you close to your Dad ? I just wondered if you are able to talk to him about everything?

Well, we will all try to somehow get through this heartbreaking thing we're going through, I'll look forward to "talking" with you ! Love and Peace to you my new friend ! Jodi

[loulou]

Hi jodi,I miss you,and hope your ok.love from your friend loulou xo

[2sweetgirls]

Hi Jodi,

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad (exactly 1 month to the date after mom passed). I'm sorry that you feel the guilt that just won't go away and I hope that the therapy works. I had a hospice counselor come over the other day (which was a BAD day for me) and she actually made me feel better for the moment.

I think, among many other things, it really pisses me off that one day I think ok I can move on (not EVER forget) just pull myself out of this hole. It is what she would have wanted me to do but then only to take 10 steps backwards and put me right there in front of the casket again. I know it's all part of the "process". WHATEVER!!! Sorry I am just angry at the moment at this situation. Anyway......

My father was a very good provider, hard worker and did his best for my mother, brother and I. I am able to talk to him but he is dealing with his own grief - this year they would have been married for 50 years - so I don't really share my feelings with him too much. I was closer to my mom, kinda like the "Daddy's Girls" in the group, I was a "Mama's Girl". She was the liason for everyone. I don't know how it happened but it just did. I speak to my dad every day and we just talk, cry, share.

Here is the deal with his health......he and mom (rest her soul) had selective hearing with their health and when there was a blank they filled it in to their benefit. So, he doesn't really "get" the magnitude of the whole thing. He knows he has prostate cancer, oh, did I mention he also has prostate cancer? But that is what he thinks he is being treated for. He, like mom, is a strong strong person. He says he feels pretty good (I don't know how he can live in the same house. I don't think I can ever go back.). He had a PET scan the other day and I am pretty nervous that he is going to start to put 2 and 2 together about how serious it is. I just said if you feel good, who cares what the test shows. No Dr. will give you the definite prognosis because each case is different but, stage 4 bone cancer, which has spread to the liver and prostate cancer is not too good. Bright side is that Hospice has not been called in yet. My brother and I decided not to tell him because what's the point? If he feels good, why tell him? Anyway, my family and I are planning to meet my dad at my brothers house for a family reunion (bitter sweet) this summer. It'll be nice.

I understand about the uncontrollable sobbing. I feel like sometimes I can't even keep my eyes open because they are swollen. My parents were not shy about talking about when they were going to die - it was not a tabu conversation in our house (my husband's family is the exact opposite). But not matter how much you talk about it, even allow yourself to go there beforehand and imagine how it will be, you CAN'T even begin to be able to comprehend it until it actually happens.

I'll share my gift, from mom, with you all. Two days before she died, I was on the phone with her, she had congestive heart failure and wasn't able to breathe so I really just couldn't understand ANYTHING she was saying - it was all gibberish. I said "Mommy, I'm sorry but I just can't understand you". She paused and clear as day she said "I love you very much". I can still hear it. Why do those words feel soooooooooo good and hurt soooooooo much all at the same time?

Thank you so much, Jodi, and all for replying to me with so much love and compassion. I'm sure today is a rough day for you also since it's the 4 month anniversary for you.

Love and hugs!!!

2sweetgirls

[jodo]

Hi 2sweetgirls ! Thank-you so much for your wonderful reply,! I feel like I know so much about you and your situation now. That was an amazing, and

beautiful story about your Mom saying she loved you very much ! Wow!,what a great thing to hold on to! My brother had a similar experience

My dad was in a coma, and on life support by the time my brother got here from Calif., There had been no kind of response from my Dad at all

(no movement, nothing) Then when my brother came in, He said to my Dad," Dad, it's me ,I'm here,let's go to the casino !! My Dad's eyes

opened wide and looked at him, then closed and that was the last movement we would ever see from him. It's strange how things happen

like that ? Anyways, I thank-you for sharing about your Dad's condition. You're probably right to not tell him everything right now,

especially when he is grieving like he is, that would be too much for him. Do you live far from him ? What state do you live in ? I

always like to find out where people are from ! I travel around the country doing Art festivals (I'm a painter) and one day I hope to

cross paths with some friends from this site,and have lunch and talk, and have "real" hugs!! You don't have to say what state if you

don't want to! (or you could send me a personal mess.) Well, I'll talk to you soon, Peace and Love to you !! , Jodi

p.s.- I want to say "Hi" to Niam, Lou-lou, and Sharla (who have been so kind and patient !) I love all of you !!

[2sweetgirls]

Wow, I didn't realize that so many people felt as exhausted as I do. But, all of you lovely people on this site has a way of making me feel not so alone. It kinda makes you wonder what a person is going thru, internally, when you are out and about, happen to look into someones eyes and see sadness, anger, etc. Just a thought.......

I was reading the posts over again this morning and realized that I didn't comment on blyfn's post. This is EXACTLY how I feel. A couple of days go by where I'm ok and then all of a sudden I'm am so NOT ok again. I am feeling that I just want to get past this horrible pain to put me in the place of reflecting on our experiences with a smile (I do smile sometimes when I think of her but, then the tears come and come strong). I just don't know what to do with it either.

I hope today finds you all in a better place and peaceful!!

2sweetgirls

xoxoxoxoxoxox

P.S. Jodi, my mom loved the casino's also. We would go together all the time. It brought her such joy to play.

Maybe your dad and my mom are sharing stories right now.

[loulou]

2 sweetgirls...I just want to say I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet mother.It is heart-breaking,and I just hit 4 months,and my pain seems will never stop.I can see people in my life rolling their eyes behind my back,when I break-down.I want the pain to stop,but I dont ever want to have to get over him dying.I talked to my dad everyday on the phone,and I can still here him saying"hear that car horn,lou?that was me passing your house"everytime I hear a horn now,I hear him say that.How I wish we had a profound "I LOVE YOU" moment.I wish for alot I will never have.I wish wish wish.Anyhoo,take care hun,I'm thinking of all the special people here,and it helps get through the day.