Missing Parts

[doggiedude]

I suppose I should begin this with an introduction of myself. My name is Andrew & I lost my Tammy about a month ago. I've been reading many of the posts that have been put up and just haven't felt real comfortable with starting my own. It seems that so many of you are recovering from these life-long marriages that have ended in such pain & for that I feel so sorry for you all. This, however, is not my situation, Tammy & I had been living together for only about 2.5 years. We both had our history of disastrous marriages and both of us seemed very content to stick with the living together status. Of course, none of this has any real meaning to me on the topic of commitment to each other or as to how much we loved each other. I only bring it up because so many of the other members of this group have a history of multi-decade relationships & I guess in some small way in the back of my mind it makes me feel "less than" or something like that.

While writing this stuff I seem to find myself concentrating on the things that make me different than the rest of you rather than the things we have in common. It seems many of you ( with your loved one )endured some sort of disease process that ended in their passing. Unfortunately, for me, I came home from work & found her in bed having passed away in her sleep. There doesn't seem to be much in the way of answers as to why she died. She did have a history of sleep apnea and COPD but neither were severe enough at this point to have caused this. She also had two suicide attempts in the previous 18 months but considering this all happened 3 days before a Las Vegas vacation that she was very much looking forward to that seems like an improbability. Once again, why she is gone means less to me than the fact that she IS GONE. I have gone through the death of my mother about 7 years ago and at least with her we had about a year to get used to the idea before the cancer took her. With Tammy there has been nothing but shock in every regard.

I started this message with the topic of "missing parts", the third paragraph seems like a good place to get around to the topic. It began in the first couple of days after her death, the pain I was feeling was so unbearable that it was like I was missing a limb. One of the disadvantages that I had in my relationship with Tammy being so brief as compared with many of you, is that we were still in that early relationship stage that generally excludes other people. To but it bluntly, In the previous 3 years, except for the time that I spent at work, I doubt that there was more than a few hour stretch that we spent apart. So to go from a relationship that was so tightly wound to having her not by my side has dealt me a crushing blow that I'm having a difficult time accepting.

There are sooooo many more things I'd like to write about right now, however, it's now 6:45am local time. I haven't gone to sleep yet and I desperately need to. Thank you for anyone who listened to my little rant.

Andy

[kayc]

Andy,

I'm sorry you lost your Tammy. My soulmate, my best friend and lover, George and I knew each other only 6 1/2 years and were married exactly 3 years and 8 months when he died abruptly of a heart attack...we hadn't expected it and didn't even know he had heart trouble until that weekend. I was at my sister's reunion that weekend, the only time I ever went away, and just made it back in time for him to die...he was asleep and woke up having a heart attack, I never got to have that "last conversation" or tell him goodbye. His 51st birthday banner was hanging up in the house when I came home from the hospital. We were inseparable, whenever we went to church or Bible Study or someone's house, we always had to sit next to each other and we always held hands. We did everything together, whether getting groceries, cleaning house, or whatever. I know what that loss feels like, it feels like the inside of you has been ripped apart from you.

My heart goes out to you...this is a good site to come to as there is always someone listening and caring.

You might want to ask the administrator, Marty, at tousleym@aol.com to move this to "loss of a spouse" section...it doesn't matter if you were married or not, you were in your hearts, and there will be a lot more people there to view this and respond.

I wish you the best in your journey...it will be hard but you will get through it with these wonderful people here.

Kay

[Lainey]

I am sorry to hear that you lost your soul mate. Even though you had a short time with her does not mean your pain of loss is any less than mine..I was with my husband for 43 years. He died Dec.11,2010 from bladder cancer, and even though we knew his time was limited, the shock was really no different had we not been told. So even though you spent a few years compared to my many years, I believe that your pain is the same as mine. Horrible right now, but it does get better, then a memory hits and we are back to square one.

This sight has been a God-send to me, I don't post alot, but spend alot of time on it, realizing others feel the same as I do. I am hoping that you will begin to feel better soon, know that whoever reads your post is most likely praying for you,.

Lainey

[nats]

Andy,

First welcome to the forums so glad you decided to post and I feel all your pain, Second never feel that you are "less than" here

we all are here for the same reason we lost our best friends and love of our lives, regardless of time spent we are greiving, and that time short or long does not make it any easiser or harder because we still have LOST that special person in our lives...

My Ruth and I had lived together for several years prior to marriage we both were affraid if we married it would change the way

we loved and felt about each other based on past relationships, we were so in love I like you only spent hours away from her we did everything together, anyway we married in June 09 and we are not even going to have our first anniversary together so see I also have had a short time and it makes it no less painfull, in fact we on the short side of things may even have it worse than the people who have had years and years who really knows, they can be thankful for those years and we question why our loved ones went to be with God so soon...please keep comming back and it will help we have lots of support here and we can get it 24/7 unlike other support systems and everyone here knows just how you feel...

NATS

Praying for all the greiving spouses....

[Dale&Sue]

Hi Andy: First, I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. The people here know the sadness and anguish you are going through. I personally don't think that how long one was in a loving relationship is a measure of the agony endure when we lose our beloved. You are suffering as much as any of us; and you deserve and need our support....you shall certainly have that support from me! Like you and your beloved Tammy, I was not formally married to my Dale. We were in a Common-Law relationship. Again, for me, this does not mean that you are suffering any less than those married formally and for a long time. I know that I was as committed to Dale as anyone, and like you and Tammy, there were some reasons why I did not want to marry in a formal manner. Did I love him through health and sickness..Yes I Did. Did I stick with him through better or worse...Yes I Did. Did I go through times when we were poorer, rather than richer...Yes, I did. I'm sure you did as well. To me...and this is my philosophy, it was not the length of time I was in a relationship with my love, nor was it a question of married or unmarried...it was how we were together; how we cared for each other and stood by each other.

I hope that this may help you feel like you are, to me, a member of this group just like anyone else. I think I do understand that hesitation and feeling like...people won't see my pain as being equal to theirs because of the nature of our reltationship. I have experienced first hand, the attitude of some who seem to think "well you couldn't be in all that much pain...you weren't even married." So, I would say, try not to do that in your own head....you may need all your strength to counter it from other sources. I KNOW the pain you are in and if I could take it away, I truly would. I also know what it is like to experience that sudden and unexpected loss of the most beloved person in your love. Dale died of a heart attack on a job site 500 miles away from our home. I know the heartache you are going through. I really think that a lot of people on this site will know as well...I hope that this can help ease what you are going through; if only a bit. You are welcome here. You are a member of this group; although it's that group that no one wants to joing. ok? You take care and you write here whenever you need to. Susan

[Sharon3]

Andy I am too very sorry for your loss. My husband died suddenly while we were on vacation from a heart attack 14 months ago and while the raw pain may be gone it is replaced with a different kind of pain. Human nature wants us to compare all the time but I find that a big waste of time. I choose to acknowledge and validate your pain and not compare it to mine and help you if I can by sharing feelings and experiences. What I do like to hear is the feelings of others because sometimes I think I am going crazy and feeling stuck in my grief until I read someones post and I say to myself ...."thank God someone else is experiencing this, maybe I am okay". We were in the middle of building a cottage when my husband passed away and I am trying to pick up the pieces with the help of my son and friends but the ultimate pressure and responsibility is on me. My husband was a carpenter and so I never really got involved in a lot of the process so I am feeling overwhelmed, pressure to keep his vision and purchase materials that I know nothing about. We are all having our daily struggles while trying to manage our way through grief. Stay tuned to this site..it will help....Sharon

[Korina]

Andy:

Please never feel or think that others here believe that your pain is less than any of ours. You were in love and that is that.

Missing parts - yup. Missing my best friend who challenged me to become a better person, a stronger person. I will never have conversations with anyone else that can even come close to my conversations with him. I am permanently missing a piece of my heart, or perhaps it is permanently deformed - whatever, it hurts. But I am surviving (maybe because he helped me become a strong person).

Take care,

Korina