My Whole Life Has Been Torn Apart

[Olivia]

Im 26 and was engaged to my amazing fiance who i had been with since i was 13yrs old. I gave birth to our daughter when i was 16 and she was the apple of his eye. My fiance was a musician in a band and he would write me songs or write music for our daughter. I love him so much, everytime i seen him i fell more in love with him more. Last year my world came crashing down when he died of a heroin overdose, I tried to make him stop many times but he always told me he could handle it and he never used around our daughter, It was only a few months before he died that he started using heroin and i hated him for doing it. I never grieved for him and everyone says part of me died with him, I feel like i have lost my will to live. I started to write poetry about him and it gives me an outlet, Our daughter always mentions her daddy and listens to his music. I lay awake at night staring into space or break down crying and i feel like there is a huge hole in my heart. When he passed i took his last name and now use it. I find it hard to see his parents but my daughter is still close to them. I feel like a ghost of a person i was when i was with him.I don't even want to talk to my family or friends about what happened i feel like im in denial, He was the love of my life and i don't know how to life without him.

[jodo]

Hi Olivia, I'm so sorry to hear the heartbreaking story about your Fiance. It's great that you found this site, You'll find alot of people here that can help you. I am here because I lost my Dad 4 months ago. I know that is different from what you're going through, but I know the pain you speak of, (sometimes I hurt so bad I can't breathe,and sometimes I don't want to breathe!) , I cry every single day. You're lucky to have your little girl. I hope you find some comfort and peace here.

Love and Hugs, Jodi

[Olivia]

Thank you and im very sorry for you're loss x

[Korina]

Olivia:

I am very glad you have found this forum, because you will find you are not alone. The feelings you describe are so familiar. I don't think I actually slept for more than an hour at a time for a month after my Scott died. I hate being a widowed mom (our daughter was 4.5 months old when he died).

Your life never will be the same - how could it when the love of your life and father of your daughter is gone? But you will learn to live in your new life and you will find strength. I look at it like this - what choice to we have? I have to be there for our daughter, to be a good mom, and to tell her all about her Daddy when she is able to understand.

Take care,

Korina

[nats]

Hi Olivia,

Welcome to the site, we all feel your loss and my prayers are for all of us

going thru this lonely time...there are a lot of great people hear so keep visiting

and I think you'll find some answers and comfort with the support...

NATS

[kayc]

Olivia,

I'm sorry you are going through this huge loss but I'm glad you found this site. Please keep reading and posting here so you don't feel so isolated, there are many people here who understand. It might be helpful to find a grief counselor to help you through this, it might be helpful for your daughter too.

[MartyT]

My dear Olivia,

I'm so sorry to learn of the tragic death of your beloved fiance ~ the one you've loved since you were only a child yourself. I cannot imagine how painful this must be for you and your daughter.

It so happens that right now I am reading a newly published book that I think you may find quite helpful and relevant, written by Robert Zucker, MA, LCSW, a noted expert in the bereavement field: The Journey through Grief and Loss: Helping Yourself and Your Child When Grief is Shared. It's excellent, with practical suggestions for getting the help both you and your daughter deserve. Click on the title to read Amazon's description and review, and you'll find more about the author on his Web page, here: Robert Zucker.

In addition, I suggest that you visit the Suicide Loss page on my Grief Healing Web site, which contains a number of links to relevant resources that I think you may find quite useful in this situation. See especially those sites aimed at survivors of suicide. As you may have read in some other of my posts, even though a death related to an overdose may be accidental, it is a suicide nonetheless, and the issues for the survivors of such a tragic loss are very much the same. You might also want to see some of the sites listed on my Traumatic Loss page.

Finally, I'd like to share with you the following, written by Helen Fitzgerald:

If there was a problem of alcohol or drug abuse in the life of the deceased, you may have added issues to deal with. Substance abuse often creates discord within a family that will negatively affect relationships. Given time, your loved one might have gained control over his or her addiction and resolved the problems created by it. Deprived of that time, this person may have died with the problems unresolved, leaving you with conflicting feelings of anger, perhaps, and sorrow, not really knowing how you should feel.

The nature of the substance abuse and the type of problems it creates will vary with each person. Your loved one may have been inclined to drink too much, but it may have been done in such a way that it did not interfere with your life. On the other hand, substance abuse is usually not this benign. Often a family member who has been involved with alcohol or drugs becomes verbally, sexually or physically abusive when under the influence. Paychecks or savings may have been spent on the alcohol or drugs, creating serious problems for the family. In cases like this grief is certain to be complex. If you are mourning the death of a loved one under such circumstances, think for a moment of the extra issues you have to deal with in addition to the death. Write your issues down so you can look at them, one at a time. Getting them down on paper will help you become more objective about them, and it also will make those issues less powerful and more manageable for you. If you have enlisted the help of a therapist, he or she can be more helpful when you have these particulars clearly in your mind.

It may occur to you or your therapist to bring other family members into the discussion. However, you should not feel hurt if they are not as ready as you are to look at these issues. Everyone has to deal with such issues at his or her own pace. If and when they are ready, they will know that they can come to you to say whatever they have to say on the subject. For additional support contact your local mental health center or substance abuse center to learn if there is an appropriate support group you could attend, such as a support group for the adult children of alcoholic parents.

-- Source: "Complicated Grief: Substance Abuse," in The Mourning Handbook, © 1994 by Helen Fitzgerald, Fireside Publishing, New York, NY