5 Months Today Without Dad

[niamh]

so it's been 5 months today since my Dad was taken from me. Nothing much new to say here really I just want to tell someone. Doesn't seem like anyone else has remembered which kinda hurts .....well actually it hurts really bad, how easy it is for people to forget.

Time has moved on for everyone else I guess but the truth is MY WORLD is still stopped, the bottom is still gone from it so I hang on by a thread.

Today is a big deal to me, the pain is as raw today as it was on Dec 17th. Except on that day I could still touch my Dad and altho he was cold, couldn't talk to me, I could still hug him, I could still kiss him, today I have nothing and it just hurts so bad.

I'm so sick of it, 5 months, it's NOTHING yet it's a lifetime without my Dad and I don't know how to do longer. I am trying so hard to just do this day by day but time creeps up and sometimes I can't help thinking ahead and getting scared of things like Christmas.

Sometimes nothing feels real, I've been telling myself a lot these last few days that "YES THIS IS REAL,YES THIS IS HAPPENING" because I just feel so shocked still at times asking how the heck did all this happen.

So for now I just sit in work looking "ok" and nobody knows the crushing pain in my heart right now, I want to just be on my own,lie on my own bed and just cry for my Daddy,cry for my loss, cry for my pain. Guess I'll just have to wait till later.

anyways, thanks for reading

love and hugs to each and every one of you

I LOVE YOU DADDY AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH,

niamh

xox

[loulou]

Niamh,again honey,I know how you are feeling.I ran into one of my dads friends the other day.He asked how I was doing.Instead of saying I was good,or ok,I said Not good,miss my dad so much.He got soo uncomfortable it was almost funny(not quite).He said "he wouldnt want you to be so sad,Lou"I felt like,ok,everyone is over it but me.It's awful to feel that way.I cant grasp it that its just a fact that my dad died.I wonder alot if I'm crazy,cause it seems like I cant except it.My 5 months will be in a couple weeks,and now I believe that the 5th and 6th months can be harder.I wonder if it will ever be ok in our hearts(?)Maybe the day we can hug them again.love you much Niamh....

[2sweetgirls]

I am really thinking of you today, Niamh. I so sorry. The anniversary is especially hard because you can't help but look at the clock and remember what you were doing 5 months ago at this time. 5 months have passed for me already - some days are more distracted than others.

I hope that today goes fast for you at work. And that you can go home, get into your PJs, spend time remembering the happy memories of your daddy and hopefully have some peace.

HUGE HUGE hugs to you!!!!!

2sweetgirls

[niamh]

Loulou and 2sweetgirls, THANK YOU so much, obviously I didn't mean anyone here, should have clarified that *LOL*, not a word from my friends at home or family ... oh well, I will always remember myself.

I had such a surreal feeling coming home from work, I guess because it's a specific date and part of my mind actually thought, you should be here for this Dad .....almost like it was something else to be remembered, weird!!! yep I'm there with you lou, it's the finality of it all just doesn't seem possible to understand and not being able to control it or change it. I just can't get that he's NEVER coming back to me.

I can see a little now when people say it can get harder later on around these times....like you say others are "over it" now, we'll never be over it....learn to live with it maybe ....well actually we are already living it, but as for being happy again, WOW seems as impossible as Dad walking in the front door to me.

am home now in comfies ( comfy clothes )at last, the day went a little faster than I thought in work so now I just sit here stunned again trying to process it, it's almost like it's just happened all over again

I don't think I will ever have enough thanks for everyone here, just knowing someone else truly understands comforts me,

lots of love to you both my dearest friends,

ni

xox

[RoryH]

Hi Niamh - it's only 4 weeks today for me, and can see it being just as raw when I hit the 5 month mark. Possibly even worse, as at least I'm still at stage people don't expect you to be ok - so just to let you know thinking of you today. Take care.

[SHeiss]

I am so sorry I have not been on lately Niamh. I would have replied sooner. I hope you are feeling a little better now. There are really no words I can give you that are comforting as I have come to the realization that I personally would rather people just not talk about my dad or his illness or give me any sort of advice or telling me that God has a plan and blah blah blah. So I apologize if I do not sound like I care - I do care I just dont know the words to give to you to make you feel better.

Always thinking about all of you!

-Sharla

[Chai]

Dear niamh,

I wish I had some words of comfort, and perhaps, at 15 months, I should...but all I can say is, I have been there, and sometimes I still am there, with you; where I want to just lie in bed, and cry for my dad. I also would love to lie in bed and talk to someone about my dad. It hurts very much when people are afraid of our grief, or minimize it, or expect us to get over it. I can understand your anger that people offline are not acknowledging that immense hurt.

I still have times where I sit and think, how could this have happened? and I put myself back there, when I heard that news, or back with his voice and hearing his sadness on the phone...and my heart gets broken again.

But let me tell you, it does get easier. It does. There will be times when you can think of your dad's smile or laugh, and laugh with the memory. You can write letters, and feel the relief as if a physical pain has been lifted from in your chest. Also, in kindnesses to others, I feel we also nourish ourselves in our grief. Somehow, by being kind in any way to others, we are doing kindness to ourselves too. Because we know that doing that would make our fathers happy, and that even if some people are not acknowledging our sadness, we can still give a bit of joy to others. It is a sort of therapy, I feel. I am not urging you to donate money or anything. I'm saying that just be doing things like (((hugs))) on this site, you are being kind to others, and in turn this kindness will come back to you, I am sure, whether now or in the future. We treat each other very sweetly here, and it is a comfort.

I think it is good that you are talking about and acknowledging your sadness at 5 months by marking it here. Good for you. Please know that I am thinking of you.

((((((HUGS)))))),

take care,

Chai

[jodo]

Hi Dear Niam, I also am thinking of you today. Like Lou Lou said - at 5 months it almost seems worse than ever. I'm glad I have you guys that can relate to this. Love to you all!,

Jodi

[Daughter2010]

Niamh,

Thinking of you today. I can completely relate, I just wished I had my father with me, and everything feels so surreal, even at almost 7 months. I have been really buy with work lately and a bit stressed that I haven't cried much, but reading the posts here helps me connect with my emotions. For me, I see crying as the healthy way of releasing our grief pain and let our fathers know we love them so much. I know we all wish things were different, but they aren't. Big hug for you, and remember our fathers want us to be strong, to keep going, even if it hurts a little.

-L

[niamh]

Rory, I am sorry for you also, yep I think that's exactly it, people's expectations change as time goes on and it slips further away in their minds but not mine. thanks for taking the time to reply to me with such kindness.

SHeiss, no need at all for apologies hun. Yep I know what you mean, those cliches hurt so bad and it's frustrating to hear because as you say there just are no words. But just your post saying you thought of me means so much. I often think now saying "I don't know what to say" means so much more than trying to find the right words when there are none.I know my attitude to others in grief is forever changed and so much more compassionate and understanding now (at least I think and hope so )

Chai, yep I still wonder how it all happened and feel so shocked. Yesterday seemed worse than 4 months actually for some reason,I don't know why .... I felt like it just happened all over again. thank you also for your kind words, for sharing your story and your journey with us.

Jodi, thank you hun, yep I don't know what would have happened if I didn't have people who relate.

Daughter2010, thank you also for everything. I will wish he was here everyday until I see him again. I too sometimes don't cry as much but the pain is always their, the immense sadness always in my heart. it is a relief sometimes when the tears do come.

thank you all so much for the kind words, the support, just knowing someone thinks about you on such a day means so much to me, it's the smallest gestures now that touch my heart, the hugs, the "i'm thinking of you"s. It just amazes me that we all bond, having never met, never knowing each other yet here we all come together sharing our stories with such love and care.

Sending each of you a (((((HUGE HUG OF THANKS AND LOVE))))))

niamh

xox

[Jsph110]

I am sorry that you are going through this niamh

[Guest Robert27]

Yes Niamh I am sorry too, I hope things get better, Take Care and like the others on here have let you know We care!

[Butterfly9]

Dear Niamh,

I'm so sorry for your pain and what you are going through. Sending hugs of comfort your way to help you through this difficult time. Those anniversary dates are really hard. The 3-month mark is coming up for me this Thursday. It's okay to curl up in bed and cry. Let it all out.

Be kind to yourself.

Hugs to you.

Butterfly9

[niamh]

thank you all so much for the kind words and support. It actually feels so long since I wrote this yet it's only 2 weeks ago, wow !

hugs and love to all