Recurring Thoughts

[Chrissie]

Just got back from driving to Calif. for our granddaughters graduation. It was nice, but hard without Tim there. I did pretty good on the drive over but the drive home was hell. I knew I was going home to an empty house and ofcourse that got the tears flowing and the mind working. I just kept going back to the day he died, wondering if I could of done more for him, asking myself if he knew how very much I loved him, and beating myself up for leaving for just a few minutes, if I had just waited 15 more minutes I'd been with him when he passed. Why do these thoughts keep coming back? Is this something we all go through and does it ever stop? I hate it when it happens cause it just eats me up inside. Thanks for listening. When I come here I don't feel so lonesome and I know someone understands. God Bless you all.

Chris

[closs86]

Hi Chris,

I am so sorry for your loss, and I think we all have these feelings, the feeling of guilt is part of grief, there are so many emotions involved, sadness, guilt, anger, it is like a roller coaster ride, you never know what will trigger these feelings, I lost my husband April 6, suddenly and unexpected to pancreatic cancer, in 3 weeks, so I can't really give you to much advice, as I am still in a turmoil myself, but they keep telling us that it will get a little easier, never go away just easier. I hope that you come back, people are wonderful here, they really understand, it is a great place to vent, just knowing other people are feeling what you are helps, and you know that you are not crazy.

Come back often

Take care

Karen

[Kat2005]

Chris,

First let me tell how sorry I am for your loss. It will be a year Wednesday that I lost my husband to prostate cancer. When he was diagnosed I wasn't actually told that it was the aggressive form. I was told that he could have 5 to 10 years. We only had 9 months.

I still question myself. Could I have done more, did I miss signs. I went to group therapy but I am looking into going to one on one counselling. There are things that I have to work through for me.

You know when all of this is going on I think we are in a fog. We are listening to what people are telling us but we are not really comprehending anything. I was with Pat when he passed and I questioned if I told him that I loved him. My sister was with me and she assured me that I told him numerous time. That day still come to me but I have to say not as often as in the beginning.

It is very important to take care of yourself. We are all here for you and we truly understand.

Take care, Kat

[Lucia Abeytia]

Chrissis, first of all i want you to know that i am sorry for your loss....I'm glad you got to see your granddaughter graduate, I understand exactly how you feel our granddaughter graduated this may and she was our 1st grandchild together we have another granddaughter that is older but she is not our granddaugter she is Ben's granddaughter from his son of a previous marriage I lost Ben Feb 2009 and he was so excited because our Little Lucy was graduating and he kept telling her that when she graduated he was going to be in the front and everyone was going to hear him but he didn't make it but he was right there with her she carried a small urn with his ashes!!! It is natural to have all those feelings but I am learning that they go away after a while and they tend to come back when we are going thru the !1st of everything without our partner...I have gone thru alot of 1st without him this past year and it has been hard but yesterday was father's day and the 2nd one without him and it was alot easier than last year...I still cried but I was able to function and enjoy the day with my son's and celebrating Ben by watching what good fathers my sons are He taught them well....What I am trying to say is it does get easier I don't think the pain of losing him will ever go away but I am no longer blaming myself of wondering if what I did was enought because I know I spent 8 years watching him slowly die and I carried for him and loved him and everyday I told him I loved him I was at his side when he passed to the other world and I don't remember if I told him I loved him but I know that before that I told him every chance I got...so some day you will find peace..my prayers are with you.hope this helps.

[Korina]

If I am at all typical, then feelings of guilt are part of the package. I have rerun the whatifs and woulda shoulda couldas ad nauseum. And I still have them, though they are not as pervasive as in the beginning.

Hang in there,

Korina

[Sharon3]

Chrissie I am so sorry for your loss. ..and i agree with Korina, the coulda, shoulda, woulda are part of thia horrible thing called grieving. My Husband died suddenly from a heart attack and I was with him but it was so sudden and in his sleep that I didn't get to say goodbye or I love you.....and I never really knew how much I still loved him. I met him when I was 16 and have really loved him all my life but we take so many things for granted after so many years and my greatest wish is that he knows how much I love him. The horror of that night is not something I wish on anyone. I think we find a way to beat ourselves up no matter what happened and that is also part of it.........in time I think it lessens and in time I am hoping it disappears and we say "we did our best"......

[Aquarius7]

Hi Chris,

Hugs to you! ((((((( ))))))). I am very sorry for your loss. But it is great that you saw your granddaughter graduate. You cannot blame yourself. I am sure you did everything you could have for your husband.

I think anytime we lose a loved one, we always feel we could have done more to save them. And thinking what we could have and should have done. It is always going to be there I think.

And I have no doubt that he knew you loved him.

[Pamy]

Hi Chris,

Sorry for the loss and the remainder of that loss but what i would wish to say is this, the remainder of it is all normal and it will come to and end if anything, you will be saying it with joy than it seems now. I have been there and it is fun and an encouragement talking and remembering him.Well i lost my husband 2007 Dec and it was not any easy i have cried, sobed before people and more often felt ashamed after that but the secret is remind the maker everytime it happens or you get to that and ask for courage to face it, before long, i assure you that it will be history.It may seem tough and not easy but i have experienced it working.

Lastly as you do that crying, it is therapeutic you crying out the agony and you cannot remain the same you will finish relieved and feeling much better be humble to yourself it will be over soon than you anticipated.

Wishing you the best

pamela

[Lainey]

Hi Chris,

One of the special things in life are our grandchildren, they are the apple of our eyes. Next year two of the girls are going to be graduating Grade 8, Lars was planning on carving a special piece for each of them.

When we talked of his illness and the fact that he was not able to take treatment and get better, he said the worst part of knowing that he was dieing was the fact that he would not see his "babies" grow up. I will always keep his memories alive.

It was good for you to be able to enjoy your granddaughter's grad and I'm sure that Tim was with you every step of the way. Lucia's granddaughter had the right idea carrying an urn with her.

We all ask ourselves if there was more we could have done... if you spouse lost the battle because of cancer-what more could we have done? If it was a heart problem that took your spouse ..again what could we do? I have a wonderful family doctor, but I have questioned his reasons for sending us to the doctor that I believe was the one that sent Lars to his grave. Could I have fought more to see a different specialist? Would it have made a difference? I will never know the answers, as you will never know the answers to your questions. I have become very bitter towards the medical profession but it is not going to bring back my love, therefore; before it makes me crazy it is something that I have to let go. We all should, for our own well being.

Pamela, I hope that the 43 years I spent with Lars never becomes history.I hope as you say, the pain eases and we do go on with our lives. It is/was the best years of my life and I will forever be

thankful for my wonderful man.

Hugs to all,

Lainey

[jjaz]

Chris -

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died this past December, three days after Christmas. He had been in a hospice facility just over a week and passed away early in the morning. You mentioned that you wished that you had stayed with him 15 minutes longer - that he died after you left the room. I hope you can take solice in what I was told by one of my husbands hospice nurses. She told me that most of the time, our loved ones do not want to pass while we are in the room. They want to save us the grief of watching "it" happen. She gave me an example of an elderly couple who had been married 60+ years. The wife had a series of strokes and was brought into the facility. She was not expected to make it through the night, but she did. Her devoted husband sat by her bedside for several days when a family friend came by to see them. He told the husband to go home and take a shower, and that he would stay with her and call if anything happened. The husband begrudgingly left the facility. He got in his car and before he left the parking lot she passed away. The nurse told me that the wife was waiting for him to leave so that she could pass.

With my husband I had gone back and forth between home and hospice several times a day. I had a daughter at home, and she could no longer bring herself to see him. My husbands sons, and his brother had also been spending a lot of time with him. The night/morning that he died, I had gone down to see him at 12:30 in the morning. The night nurse sent me home and told me to get some sleep, and that he would call if anything changed. He called me at 5am and said that his breathing was getting irregular and that I might want to come to see him, but there was no hurry. I decided to run through the shower quick, as I had not had a chance to for a couple days. By the time I got there at 5:40am, he was gone. I know that my husband wanted to pass away quietly, that is why he went when he did. He knew that I and the other family members would not be there early in the morning. I hope this helps you, and does not make you more upset. I know it helped me when the nurse told me the story.

((((hugs)))), jjaz

[Deb625]

I'm sorry for you loss and agree with the majority here, that being "there" at the moment, doesn't take away from the person passing and their understanding and knowing how very much they were loved. I know for me, my husband died tragically from alcoholism (7 weeks ago), at first they said he died of a heart attack and even if I had been there, I probably couldn't have saved him (made me feel a little better), then the final autopsy report came and in the end it was determined he was in medical distress, collapsed and couldnt' make himself "safe" and died of suffocation - I still am not able to deal with the "if I was there, this wouldn't have happened", but I do know in my heart he knew how much I loved him and that gives me some solace in this unbeliveable world that I now live in.