Haunting Memories

[Lily P]

I lost my partner to pancreatic cancer 6 weeks ago. I was his sole caregiver and witnessed the awful effects of this terrible disease and side-effects of the chemotherapy treatment. While others are grieving over the loss, and missing his bubbly personality, I seem to be on a different planet to them. I keep re-living the traumatic moments of his illness, the debilitating sickness, the events that led to 911 calls and intensive care. The all-consuming fear of not knowing what side effect was going to happen next or even if he would still be alive when I awoke in the morning.

Even though he was at home where he wanted to be, and with me by his side, most of all I am haunted by his final 24 hours, and his suffering and struggle as he slowly passed away.

Have any of you felt the same way? How do I get through this?

Lily

[kayc]

Oh yes, we've been through that, for quite some time, and it does get better, it takes time to work through everything. What you are experiencing is normal. Sometimes the preoccupation with their final moments and life at the end can be a way of hanging on to them and not letting their memory die. Of course we know their memory will never die with us, and eventually we are able to bring back the happier memories with them and think of them, the whole of the person.

Please keep sharing what you are experiencing, it all helps to process it, and it's good not to keep it bottled up. There are a lot of people here going through similar things.

(((hugs))) to you!

Kay

[Kat2005]

Everything you are feeling is completely normal. I did the same thing after my husband passed. I kept going back to the final hours in my mind. I don't know if it is the way our minds work to process things, all I know is that I kept going back there. Like kayc said, it does get better. I still find myself reliving those final moments every now and then but not very often. I try to focus on the good times we had. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It has only been six weeks.

We are here for you.

Take care, Kat

[Cheryl]

I read an article recently about grief and what the mind does in order to understand your loss. It basically said that you have to relive all the aspects leading up to the loss in order to come to grips with what has happened. The mind and heart is in such shock that you play everything over and over again trying to figure out if anything could have made it diffrent, better or worse. I found that I replayed everything so much that I thought I was going insane. I really thought I might be crazy. Everyone who shared with me their loss did the same thing. Over time I began to understand that I couldn't save him. That there were no fixes and that he was really gone. It was hard to accept that it was all out of my control. I wanted so badly to get meaning from his death. In the end I was able to come to peace with what I couldn't change.Please know that what you are feeling is healthy and part of the journey.

Hugs, Cheryl

[Lily P]

Thank you all for your responses and kind words. It's good to hear your thoughts and know I am not alone (or going crazy!)

I'm already finding that just reading some of the posts here are really helpful to me too. Everyday is a new day bringing different emotions. So glad I have found somewhere to come to share.

Lily

[west]

I too lost my husband to pancretic cancer 5 months ago. It is a devastating disease that takes people so quickly. Each day is difficult and looking back at his last days is difficult. Try to begin each day with a wonderful memory of your husband and your life together. It brings a smile to your face if only for a moment. Life continues and the ache does not go away, but you will make it. God bless.

[Korina]

Though I try not to focus on my husband's last hours, when I do think about them, I still feel like I have been hit by a Mac truck - sucks, but that's the way of it, I guess. I know I should try and focus on the positives, but it is sometimes easier said than done.

Take care,

Korina

[Lainey]

Hi Lily,

So sorry for your loss. It's good that you found this site as quickly as you did. The people on this site are all here for the same reason. We need to express our feelings and everyone understands.

I'm soon beginning my 9th month and have been doing very well up until about a week ago. I cannot get the last night that Lars was home out of my head. It was one of the worst nights we had, I knew that I would not be able to keep him here any longer. When our son and daughter took him to hospital the next day,I wouldn't go. I knew he wasn't coming home again. Now I am having terible guilt feelings.

I also wonder if there was something more I could have done to make him more comfortable in the last year of his life. He had 2 back surgeries and an 11 hour bladder surgery that was supposed to remove the cancer. It did for a few months, then it was back with a vengance. He had to go for back therapy 3x a week, so at least he was able to get out until the pain was so intense that he was on very heavy pain meds. and it played with his mind.

I know in my heart that I did everything I could, but the doubts keep coming back. Hopefully group therapy will help me.

Maybe you should consider talking to a consillor, one-on-one. There are also groups to join and I'm sure they would have some advice for you too.

Hugs,

Lainey

[Marion Claire]

I was caregiver for my husband and the last few months were exceptionly hard. Never knew when he would wake and try to get up or whatever. I did have one grand daughter who is a nurse that showed up everyday for a while and that helped me so much. She also had a 4 month baby to watch but that did help my husband seeing the baby. I don't think I ever had such a sad time in my life as watching life slowly leaving him. But I did not want anyone else taking care of him.

[closs86]

Hi Lily,

I also lost my husband to pancreatic cancer, he was fine and in 6 weeks that horrible disease took him down, all so fast and so unexpected, I also can't think of the last 24 hours of his life, it was a horror.

Karen

[Cheryl]

There are two people in my supprot group who lost there husband to the same thing. It seems very common and yet I had never heard of it?

[west]

When they diagnosed my husband with pancreatic cancer, I too had never really heard of this terrible disease. since then, I have heard of several people who have lost their battle and ever so quickly. My husband lasted only 5 weeks. His pain was controllable. The problem with this cancer is that there are no symptoms except fatigue, so by the time they diagnose it, the cancer has spread to other parts of the body. Hopefully, some day there will be cure.