Thoughts Of Suicide

[melina]

I can't stop thinking about ending this hell. I know I should stay here for my sons - they don't deserve to lose yet another parent and would be devastated. But I can't see going on like this. Even for one more week. It's just impossible. I'm on antidepressants and sedatives, but I still feel frantic with pain, grief and loneliness.

Is this normal? Will I make it? Should I even make it? Or would it be easier to just quit now? I can't even bring myself to pick up the phone and talk to anyone.

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Melina, you need to see a grief councelor NOW. Thoughts of suicide are not unusual, but you need some help getting through this. Talk to a grief councelor, or someone. Your feelings are normal, but you could not put your children through another loss. You know that you could not. I know these are just empty words to you right now, but it will get a little easier. I thought in the beginning after Mike died, that I just wanted to die also. But as time passes, I know it is not my time, and that he will be waiting for me when it is my time. There are many on here who can councel you much better than I can, and I know they will, just wanted you to know your feelings are not unusual, but you will get through this, and you will be stronger for it. Praying for you, and for strength for you to carry on. You will make it....it won't be easy, but you will make it.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[MartyT]

Melina, dear,

You say you're having thoughts of suicide and you can't stop thinking about ending this hell. Keep in mind that whatever thoughts and feelings you're having are neither right or wrong, good or bad, and they're not always rational – they just are, and for your own mental health it's important to acknowledge them and express them. I want to commend you for acknowledging and expressing your thoughts of suicide. Many if not most grieving people have those very same thoughts, but they are terribly afraid to share them for fear of being regarded as over-reacting or crazy, or for fear of scaring other people. As Mary said, thoughts of suicide are not at all unusual when you are grieving. Right now you may have the pessimistic belief that things will never get any better, as if life and living are useless and pointless. It is difficult to imagine life without your husband, and your feeling a compelling need to end this agony of grief is understandable. Keep in mind, however, that there is a vast difference between thinking about suicide and actually acting upon such thoughts. In grief, thoughts of suicide are usually fleeting and reflect how desperately you want the pain of loss to end. You say you have two sons who don't deserve to lose another parent, so a part of you knows that suicide is not an option, and I want to suggest to you if that alone is your reason for hanging on right now, then accept it and let it be enough.

You say you wonder if you will make it through this grief of yours. Simplistic as it may seem, the way you'll make it is by doing it the way everyone here is telling you to do it: one day at a time, and if that is too much, you do it one hour and even one minute at a time. If you learn anything at all by reading the accounts of all the other mourners who are posting in these forums, I hope you'll learn that there is no right or wrong way to do this thing called grief. There is only your way, and you must discover that way for yourself. We can share with you all the things we've learned and done and tried to help ourselves along the way, but it is up to you to pick and choose what works for you and discard what does not. Just know that to do nothing, to simply let time pass as if "time heals all wounds," is only to delay the work that needs to be done. The passage of time does nothing to heal grief – it is what we do with the time that matters. So I encourage you to read all you can find about grief, so you will know what is normal and to be expected on this grief journey of yours, you'll be better prepared for what lies ahead, and you'll know what you can do to manage your own reactions. See especially the Death of a Spouse page on our Grief Healing Web site. Follow some of the links listed there and learn what is unique about this special kind of loss. Contact your local hospice or hospital to find out what bereavement resources are available in your community. Find a grief counselor and/ or an in-person support group. Visit and read some of the many blogs written by widows on the Web. Let your physician know that your prescription medication is not working for you and see if together you can find something that does. If you still find yourself continually thinking of suicide, read this first. And if you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please stop now and telephone 911 or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

[kayc]

Melina,

If you have any such thoughts, I want you to call me. Send me your email address and I will send you my phone number, okay? I am off work today and can talk with you. There are hundreds of people on here and yet I feel such an affinity with you, maybe it's the way you write, I don't know, but I feel a kinship with you, even though your grief is new and fresh and mine is over five years out.

Your thoughts are normal and to be expected. I felt them too. I thought about driving my car into a tree at 100 mph. But then I thought of my kids, and my faith, and I knew I couldn't do it, that it's not an option. It's not so much that I wanted to be dead as that I wanted to escape this horrible pain and shell of a life that I was trapped in. I saw no way out, no hope, no future. I only wanted to be with George. But it would be the most selfish act in the whole world to end my life to be with him at the total disregard of my kids, my sisters, future people I have yet to meet and befriend, my job, my pets, etc. We only FEEL no one cares, but the truth is, although people are busy with their lives (as we were), there are still some who care, it just FEELS like they don't. I want you to understand one thing very clearly and it is this: FEELINGS are just feelings, they are there to contend with, but they are no barometer of anything, they are not meant to gauge anything by. It is so important to ACT on what we KNOW is the RIGHT thing to do! I PROMISE YOU it will not always feel this desolate and desperate. It will subside enough for you to handle it. You will have ups and downs. I urge you to see a doctor asap to get a referral to someone who can help you, be it a grief counselor or whoever. Whatever you do, do NOT act on these urges to take your life. Yes, DO think of your children! Even if they're grown, they still need us. They may seems like they are self-sufficient and have their own lives, but they do need us to be here for them. There are future grandchildren who need you in their lives. Melina, you can't see it now, but there are little joys awaiting you, just little things that you will come to appreciate, a gorgeous sunset or thunderstorm, maybe a puppy who adores you, or a child who loves you, but there will be those moments that will come in life. Sometimes it's hard to see that, it's hard to wait, we want everything now, we don't want to go through the pain to get to the other side, but believe me, there IS another side, please hold onto hope and trust me, I've been there. Right now my life is in a down side but it won't always be like that. I had a fiance that broke up with me in a very callous way and my beloved dog is extremely sick and I don't know what's wrong, and my boss is three months behind paying me and I don't see how I'll make it...life for me isn't real terrific right now, my truck won't start and my washing machine just dumped two inches of water all over the floor. But Melina, these kinds of things happen to all of us. We have days we wish we could fast forward, and other days we wish we could re-live. And I'm sure someday I'll look back on today with a different perspective...right now it's just a day to get through. It's really important to remember to stay in the moment and not take on the whole future, it's too much to handle...just take a deep breath and get through this day by one moment at a time. Try to find something good to focus on, something, anything, I remember that was what got me through the worst of the grief, the beginning times...sometimes it was stretching it to find something good about the day, and it was little things, nothing very big, but it wasn't the good things that got me through, it was the LOOKING for them, FOCUSING on good things that got me through. And that takes effort. But then GRIEF takes effort, but I can guarantee you, it is worth the effort to work through this. The worst thing in the world is not this pain, it is apathetic indifference or the inability to feel pain, for to be that way also means you can't feel love, can't feel joy, can't feel, period. My ex-fiance was that way and I feel sorry for him, to be like that is to seem soul-less. But you DO feel, and that is a good and a healthy sign! It means you CAN come through this, just please hang in there and let us help you, okay? I CARE about you!

Kay

Oh and my transmission just went out on my truck...

[Nikki]

The grief i experienced from my boyfriends death almost killed me. He comitted suicide 5 years ago. I found him and it is a vision i will never fully forget. I was in shock and most people either did not know what to say so they said nothing or people would make really off comments that made me feel worse. I have/had a lot of trouble being so upset(crying, outburst,no energy, feelings of guilt)in front of people so i began to isolate myself. I did find this site and another one that was helpful, I went to the Dr and was put on antideppresants also, I went to a grief counselor, it was not helpful I would end up going, telling them what I thought they wanted to hear-"Im feeling better" "yeah i have a great support system" blah blah blah. I was crying myself to sleep every night, abusing my antianxiety meds and basically waiting, praying and wishing i was dead, not to be with him but I kept thinking i just cant take this pain everyday all day every second. I felt like my arm had been cut off-gushing out blood and no one had any pain meds that could help, just had to deal with it. The pain was crushing, actually felt like i had a whole in my chest. My mom actually found me on the couch- I stayed with her because he shot himself in our apt. I had drugged myself so much i was drooling and could not move. That scared me enough to realize i really didn't want to die, I continued to go to counseling telling them what i thought they wanted to hear. The point of all this blabbering i am doing is, I do think your feeling are "normal" but it was not until i started being honest with myself and others, talking to whoever would listen, even though i was uncomfortable and hate crying in front of others, went to group therapy-which helped a lot -being with others that knew how i felt(thank god for that group) i believe that was the most helpful for me and it saved my life-I did have a hard time finding a counselor i really connected with so you may have to push yourself to try a few. Try not to spend too much time alone. And trust people when they say-The pain never goes completely away but take it from me it does get softer and life is enjoyable again. Peace and love nikki

[LarrysGirl]

Melina, I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you are in. I am hoping by posting it will help you. Like Kay, I have been here almost 5 yrs. and if you had read my posts in the beginning you would see that I, too, did not want to live and did not expect or want to survive this. I also have two sons and it wasn't that I wanted to leave them, of course not, but I couldn't see anyway to live with the pain of losing Larry. I did not have a very good support system, friends went away and family was at a loss as to what to say. This site literally saved me, many times over. Its not so much what they said to me, it was that they listened, understood and cared. The best thing for me was to keep letting it out, writing here, while crying, sobbing or screaming. Just to be understood was a great comfort to me. I did have a hospice counselor that I met with and there were times when I couldn't even speak, I would just cry. I do know the pain. The thoughts of ending it all didn't go away quickly. It took a long time for me and I notice even now, when I feel I can't cope, that is where my mind goes but it doesn't overwhelm me like it did then. Grieving and the loss of the one you love is so very hard. I hope you will continue to post and share and let us support you. Deborah

[Ron B.]

Melina,

I too had a moment when I thought of killing myself. Others here have had these thoughts, but we are all still here. Desperation is not the same thing as planned action.

Somehow the will to live prevails in us, though we go through a lot of desperate thinking.

Here are things that might help you. Hugs from your son. The legacy of your husband. The kindness of others, where ever you can find it. Nature and the out of doors, an antidote to internal gloom.

I worry that your sedatives may be working too well, making you groggy, clouding your mind, and leaving you cooped up indoors. Do you get out of doors at all? Just the exercise of walking can help elevate your mood.

In the long term, you do have the ability to re-chart your life. This can be done gradually, over months and years. In the short term, just pick yourself up the best you can. Do the small things that help you get through each day.

I do not have complete answers. My partial answers may not fit you. I only know for me life is precious, and desperate thoughts do not deserve equal consideration.

Ron B.

[Cheryl]

Hi Melina,

I also felt like I couldn't go on. I knew my kids needed me but I was unable to be what they needed. I just wanted the pain to end. I told a few friends and they were really freaked out. They told me I had to handle the pain. I really felt like they couldn't understand and I hated hearing them tell me anything. They were not in my shoes, they had no right to tell me I had to handle it!

At my support group a man had lost his wife to suicide and I didn't feel comfortable talking about ending my life in front of him. One week he missed a meeting and my horrible burden came tumbling out. Every single person in our group began to tell a story of wanting to die. Some of us had even figured out a way to do it. It was probably the best meeting we ever had. I realized I was not alone in my thoughts. That I wasn't crazy for feeling like death was my way out. I began to write down my feelings whenever I thought I wanted to die. It helped me get through the pain. The next day I would go back and read what I wrote and think wow I had a really bad night. Just focusing on the task of writing down the pain helped me get through the pain.

You can find a path. Your path through the pain will be diffrent from mine. It is hard work and it will get easier as you keep working on it. You can do this for your family and eventually you will do it for yourself.

We are all here for you. We will be sttrong for you when you can't be strong.

Love Cheryl

[melina]

Thank you for all your supportive comments. To say I had a really bad morning is a major understatement. Then a friend took my four sons and I out in a sailboat to spread my husband's ashes on the water. It was emotional - but went well, all things considered. I was fairly calm until now - going to bed, alone. His sweatshirt is here in bed with me - the only item of clothing that still carries his smell. Probably not a good idea, since it wrenched me back into the agony, the loneliness and pain. This is the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me. I sincerely wish I had died instead of him. I won't kill myself, since I know I have to be here for my kids, and future grandkids - but I seriously don't want to live either. It's going to be a long, dull, painful life without him by my side.

Apart from my sons, this group is my only true source of support. I am so disappointed and hurt by the lack of understanding and caring from other family members. And friends, though they want to understand, just don't get it. But thanks for being there for me.

Melina

[Jennalee]

This is a very sad but helpful thread. I also want to die sometimes. Especially in the mornings. I just wish I could wake up dead if that makes any sense. Last night I was upstairs in our bedroom literally begging God to kill me. He didn't, so I'm still here. When I get this way I pick up the phone. I have a list of people I can call and I just pick whoever I feel more like talking to. If you don't have friends or family who understand, find a good grief line or counselor. Sometimes it just helps to let someone on the other end of the line know how you're feeling.

I've noticed the thoughts of wanting to die do pass. They often show up again, but they're not constant like they were the first couple of days after the accident. It's helping me to look back and see where I was a week ago and where I am now. A week ago I was lying on the living room floor of my parent's house sobbing and sighing, letting people trip over me, and this week I'm back in my own house, upright and posting in forums. I know I have a long road ahead, but I'm just trying to focus on the small victories I've had since this happened. I sincerely hope your pain lessens soon.

[Korina]

Although I do not recall ever truly considering suicide, I can remember very specifically the moment when I truly didn't care if I lived or died. I wanted so much to be with Scott, but dying simply wasn't an option because our daughter needed and needs me. In fact, it was for her that I got up in the morning. And I will never forget the look of sadness and possibly fear on my mom's face when I told her this.

I am happy to report that over a year later, though I do not fear death as I once did, I no longer have apathy surrounding living or dying. I have much to do and experience with Kailyn, and though I continue to grieve, cry, get angry etc, I am confident in the fact that Scott will be waiting for me when it is truly my time.

Melina, as you can see, people here truly understand and are there for you.

Lots of hugs,

Korina