Very Upset

[jennifer1969]

I am having a really hard time since my husband passed away on June 27, 2010. I am so center on the loss of my husband Mark. I spent all day looking through boxes, for his stuff today. I have to have everything of his around me. I can't even bring myself to take his ashes and sprinkle them where he wants to be. I feel like if I do this that I will lose him forever and not be with him. I also feel so guilty that he passed away and that I am still alive. I should have went down in the basement to get his pants that day. Then he would still be alive and with me.

I’m having a hard time find any joy in my life. My life has no meaning without Mark in it. I am so withdrawn I can’t do anything anymore. I don’t go out and all I do is lay around. I think everyone is judging me because of all of this.

[Korina]

Jennifer:

I know it is hard not to blame yourself, no matter what the circumstance, but I hope that deep down, you know your husband's death isn't your fault.

As far as Scott's possessions go, aside from those that are out on full display (things in his office), I just shut the closet door and don't look at his clothes. Even a year later, it hurts. And there was no way I could handle being surrounded by all his stuff. That would have just been too much for me to take. And looking at pictures still reduces me to a puddle, so while I have some on my digital frame at work, most of them are of our daughter. I decided I wouldn't go through his clothes until we move, which is the plan in the next few months, as my parents are moving out here and we plan to stay together.

Korina

[jennifer1969]

Korina,

I love to see my husbands pictures and things. One things is that I had but no chioce to go throw some of Marks things. When I lost him I also lost my job, car, and home. I had to pack everything up in Ohio and move to Pittsburgh with my brother a month after Mark passed away. Now all I have left of our life together is his ashes that he wants me to sprinkle and his things, and memories of him.I can't even bring myself to sprinkle his ashes where he wants to be, because I feel like I am losing him all over again.

[MZM]

Jennifer, my fiance passed away on July 25 2010...We were together for 3 and a half years and he died in an accident. I spoke to him at 4:30 am and his accident happened at 5:10 am...I'll never forget that last conversation and I'll never forget that call from his mom to tell me the terrible news:(

Its been a tough road and im dying inside... All i can say is memories will be your biggest set back and photos/stuff will be the hardest part of the memories... My counselor suggested that i set aside times in each day for 15 minutes only to look at stuff...that way I can still have them but Im not torturing myself...

[Cris]

Jennifer, I am knew to this site. But my husband passed away 3 years ago. It took me 2 years till I went through his stuff. And that was because I sold my house to move closer to my daughter. Dont feel bad I still cant go through albums or too many pictures other then the ones I have out. Dont feel like you have to do anything untill you are ready. Everyone grieves different.I read once you only grieve as deep as you loved!I still cry but try to set aside the time in the morning when I walk the dog and pray and talk to him! It helps me to try and get it out first thing. Dont be so hard on yourself it takes alot of time! Hang in there I hope today is better! Cris

[Jennalee]

Jennifer, you have to STOP with the "if onlys." I know you didn't use those exact words but what you're saying is pretty much the same thing. I've "if only'd" myself to death and it's just plain unhealthy and enough to push me over the edge. My aunt, a counselor, told me there are no "if onlys" in life. Life is what it is and when it's our time to go, it's our time to go and nothing we do or say can prevent it. I'm not sure if that's very helpful, but I just can't stand to see you beating yourself up over something that's not your fault.

I went through a lot of Ajay's things after only 10 days. It was too hard to see them lying out and about as if he was coming back any minute. I kept several items that meant something to me, but the rest I've been giving to my brother, BIL, and friends of Ajay. I thought it would really hurt to see them wearing Ajay's things but it's actually been kind of healing. One thing Ajay hated was for things to be wasted. He'd let me get anything I wanted as long as I used it regularly. I guess I figured that he would want to see his things being used, instead of wasting away in some closet.

But that's me. You have to do what's right for you. If you're not ready to pack his things away or spread his ashes, then don't do it. Your husband certainly would not mind one bit if his wife felt she wanted to hang on to his ashes a little longer! The timing has to be right for you. Sending you much love!

[Darl]

Jennifer my husband died August 16, 2010 and I am so not ready to do anything with his things.

When he was cremated I had 4 small containers and the one main one done. Three of the small ones went to each of my children, the main one I am keeping and the last smaller one was taken to be put next to his father in another state, that is what he wanted. My son told me it would be a comfort to him to have his dad with him.

Keep everything as long as you need and don't blame yourself for anything that you keep thinking.

You are in my prayers.

[Korina]

Jennifer:

I am glad you find comfort in your husband's things. I actually have not touched our wedding picture, and though I rarely can look at other pictures, for some reason, I am usually okay with that one.

And I agree with others here, there is absolutely no reason to push yourself to spread your husband's ashes. When you are ready, you will know it. And I am certain he understands. Do what is best for you and not what anyone else thinks you should do.

Hugs,

Korina

[jennifer1969]

Korina

I really wish I could sleep. All I am doing is sitting here or laying around crying. I miss Mark so much it is killing me. I just can't seem to do anything right any more. I tired to go outside today but it didn't happen. My chest is hurting and I can't breath. I can't get this anxiety attack to stop. I wish I could go to counseling, but every time I try to go I panic so bad I come back in the house. I don't know what to do.

[jennifer1969]

Darl, My brother went out today and got me two key chain urns that I wanted and a little keep sake one that I picked out. So that I can keep some of my husband Marks ashes. At times I think I am losing my mind and then most of the times I just want to die so that I can be with Mark. I have never loved someone so much or had someone love so much. I don't understand why I can't get this bad dream to stop. I have the same dream of Mark dieing every time I fall a sleep. Now I hardly sleep and I can't stop crying.

[kayc]

How sweet of your brother!

Yes, we do all grieve differently...what brings anguish to one brings comfort to another. We have to do what is right for US.

My husband's closet rod broke shortly after he died...I took it as a sign I was supposed to box it up and give it to an organization I knew he would be supportive of. I kept those things that most reminded me of him and put them in a back closet. Every once in a while I go "visit" them and hold his clothes, but I don't have them where I am reminded continually. Everyone has to choose for themselves what is easiest for them. I kept a shrine in our bedroom for a long time, but now I just have certain pictures up on the wall. The greatest reminder and memorial to him of all is deep within my heart...he will never be forgotten.

[Jennalee]

Korina

I really wish I could sleep. All I am doing is sitting here or laying around crying. I miss Mark so much it is killing me. I just can't seem to do anything right any more. I tired to go outside today but it didn't happen. My chest is hurting and I can't breath. I can't get this anxiety attack to stop. I wish I could go to counseling, but every time I try to go I panic so bad I come back in the house. I don't know what to do.

Okay, this may seem kind of silly, but all I can say is that it works extremely well, both for me and those I've told. Doing math problems will really help kill any kind of anxiety or panic attack. It may seem ridiculous, but it works and I HATE math. I've read that it has to do with kind of switching from the emotional side of your brain to the logical side so your emotions are kind of dulled for a bit.

Immediately after the doctor told me Ajay was gone, I was in this tiny ER private waiting room doing problems like 27 X 34 or 73 X 56. Just difficult enough to make me think but not hard enough to push me over the edge. My family probably thought I was insane, but it's the only think I could do to calm myself so I did not lose my mind in a waive of panic. I still have not yet had a panic attack since his loss and I firmly believe it's this method that is preventing them. I just break out a pen and paper when I start feeling that horrid anxiety creeping in. I should also add that while in the car where I can't just write down problems, I recite my multiplication tables and that helps somewhat.

I'm not sure if that will work for you, but I just wanted to pass it on. Big hugs to you!

[Korina]

I don't have any answers for your anxiety attacks, though trying the math problems can't hurt - I would give that a shot. As for going to counseling, it is probably a good idea (helped me), but it sounds like forcing yourself to do things is causing your anxiety. I didn't force myself to do anything but take care of my daughter. When I was ready to go to counseling, I went. When I was ready to go to a social event, I went. Not before.

As for sleeping, the only way for me to get any for quite a long time was to fall asleep with the tv on. I think the shows, even though I didn't always concentrate on them, took my mind off the situation, and lulled me to sleep. Otherwise, my mind would just replay replay replay, and sleep was impossible.

Take care,

Korina