How To Socialize?

[melina]

I see from the posts here that it's important to get out there and be with people, but this is a very difficult area for me. It's about a month and a half since I lost my soulmate. I still can't believe this has happened.

I have a few friends who call or e-mail me regularly and ask if they can come over, go for a walk with me, whatever. I keep saying no, because I don't know how I'm going to feel in ten minutes time - let alone a few hours or a day. I can be relatively ok for fifteen minutes, then it just hits me and I sit here sobbing. Also, these friends all have husbands and normal lives. I feel like I'm this huge open wound all over, and anything can hurt me - even just casual comments about their husbands or families or what they did during the day. I don't feel like I can be with other people at all.

How does everyone else manage?

Melina

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I so understand your pain. How I have managed to re-engage in life is to feel the fear and do it a little bit at a time and allow myself to share my pain. Honestly, some people I found were not able to see my pain and did not want to be around it but others were able to see it and offer empathy, love and support. I had to learn what my limits were and do my life within those limits and over time those limits have increased. The other thing that has helped me immeasurably is my writing. Be gentle with yourself.

Blessings,

Carol Ann

[melina]

Thank you Carol Ann. It's good to get immediate replies. Since I live in Europe, I seem to be on a different time zone than anyone else on this site - so I rarely see replies until the next day. When you say writing - do you mean to your partner, or just writing in general?

Melina

[sunstreet]

Oh Dear Melina, you are more than welcome. Let me expand on what I am referring to when I say writing. I started writing a letter to my partner the day she died as a way to feel connected to her still. I tell her everything about my day, my pain, my anger, just wahtever I would be telling her if she were still here. I have found it to be most cathartic to transform my pain into something I can carry and still function in life. My hope is is to one day thrive in life again.

I also have an ongoing letter to my Father who passed from Alzheimer's, my Brother who suicided, my sister who suicided, and God. The other thing I do is to talk into a tape recorder to my partner. I also am working on a book that my partner encouraged me to write shortly after we met. For me writing is a healthy coping strategy and I find it very helpful to look back on past writings and clearly see that I am progressing through this painful journey and helps me to keep going.

Hope this helps to explain about my writing.

Courage to you....Carol Ann

[melina]

Carol Ann,

I have written long e-mails to my husband filling them with all the things I wanted to say, but didn't have the chance. I might continue doing that. It helps, in a weird way. I have also had other losses. My father died of cancer five years ago, and my brother committed suicide three years ago. It was difficult then too, but nothing like losing a soulmate. When they died, I had my husband to hold me and back me up. Now I have no one.

But I'm grateful for the people on this site who understand.

Melina

[MZM]

Hi Carol Anne and Melina

Gosh, cant believe that I was reading about Carol Annes siblings who committed suicide and then read about your sibling Melina... thats terrible! and on top of all of that, theres the significant loss of your partners...

Melina, its good to get out there and no one says you cant still have those shift in emotions. Its true, one moment we're ok. Have decided to go for a walk or dinner, thinking we'll be ok. Next minute we think of a memory or face it and we're broken to pieces. I was having dinner with friends on Saturday and heard our first ever song. I broke to pieces!!!! Couldnt stop sobbing after I walked away. But, friends will be there and you should let them be. I know by best friend hasnt really been the best friend ie she cant deal with pain, is cold towards me and just doesnt comfort me...but, I've decided to just let my other friends, who can understand and be patient, rather be around me. I need them and you need your friends too...

I guess oneday i will ask my best friend why she was so cold, but i really cant tackle that with all the pain im going through.

I agree with Carol anne, write to your partner. I write to zubeir all the time. The minute Im alone and sad, I pull out my journal and start writing to him...

Take it easy Melina...

M

[sunstreet]

Melina,

I am so sorry for all your losses. For me also the pain of loosing my soulmate has been the most difficult to embrace. Oh Melina, please hang onto hope for it does become easier to cope. I encourage you to know that you are not alone, you have yourself, and you have all of us here who understand your pain for we have all feel/felt it too. For myself I choose to belief in God, my Higher Power and He has been the one and only, that has never left me, and willingly hears my cries of despair and carries my load for me whenever I ask.

Joy will come again Melina.

Blessings,

Carol Ann

[kayc]

I didn't manage very well at all. I remarried and it was a disaster. I lost all of my friends that George and I had, I didn't expect that, my life has just never been the same again. I spend far too much time alone. I feel the struggle and the weight of the world on my shoulders. I've had more than my share of heartbreak. If you can call that managing, I guess I've done it. I'm still here after five years, but it hasn't been good. I hope someday it gets better, it seems to for some people. I've kept trying, I don't know what more we can do.

[Cheryl]

Melina,

I think we each have days when we feel capable of seeing people and other days when it is too difficult. The most important thing is to keep the avenues of communication as open as possible with those you want to include in your life. There will be those that disappear and those that stick by you. Once your strength starts to return you might find that new activities and new places help fill the space. My own progress has been forwards and backwards, and with each experience I've learned how to rebuild, and sometimes replace.

I had to start going to a new church because I couldn't stand people looking at me without Mark. Yet I find comfort inviting our old friends over for dinner. Each attempt to start making new life is a challenge for me, and sometimes I just give myself a break and hide for a few weeks. The key is not giving up on yourself!

[kayc]

Cheryl,

It's interesting that you mentioned that...having a difficult time attending your church without your husband. When George passed away, it was extremely difficult for me to go to church and see the pew where he sat...I couldn't stand to see it empty and even worse, I couldn't stand seeing someone else sit there. I have been active in music, on the Worship Team, Choir, etc. so am often on the platform looking out at the pews...and to not see him there beaming at me, it was just hard. I didn't leave my church though, I stuck it out. But now after attending with Jim for over a year, I'm going through it all over again, only some people don't realize we split up and they ask me how he is, it's really hard for me, I don't know what to answer, I don't like explaining over and over. I see his picture up on the wall (our church posts everyone's pictures that are regular attenders) and it hurts so bad. So I feel like I'm going through it all over again only due to desertion instead of death, neither way feels very good to deal with.

I think sometimes changing your routine or where you go, what you do, helps, so you don't get stuck with those constant stabs of pain when you revisit somewhere that "used to be yours". I live in a small town where there isn't a lot of choices of where to attend church, where to eat, etc., so I'm kind of stuck with facing memories.

[Korina]

Melina:

Best I can say is that I communicated by phone or emails with friends and family when I couldn't see them in person. I only 'socialized' when it felt right. If it didn't I didn't push myself. As others have said, be kind to yourself and don't force yourself to do something that in your heart you know you aren't ready for. That said, listen to you little voice for the situation when socializing is 'right'. You may have to pull yourself off the couch, but if it is anything like my experience, you will know when it is time.

In the meantime, let your friends know how you are feeling, and what you need them to do to help. It may be nothing, it may be going to the grocery store with you - whatever it is, don't be afraid to ask for help and to let them know what you need.

Kay, I sure hope you are doing okay, as it sounds like you are going through a really rough time. If Jim is the one who broke up with you via FedEx, I am so sorry the man was such a coward... hmm, I could say more, but I won't. Anyhow, drop me a message anytime.

Korina

[Queeniemary]

Melina, I have mentioned before that Mike and I were very involved in community theater. I had committed last year to directing a play in September. I was not sure I could do it, but decided to go ahead. The cast and crew were very supportive (they all knew and loved Mike). It kept me very busy for over 4 weeks, rehearsals every night, and working on the play. The play was presented last weekend, it was just great, and I am so glad I decided to go ahead. The problem is that now, after having been so busy, I am having too much time on my hands. Working every day and being committed to the play in the evenings kept me busy, without a lot of time to think. Now suddenly I have too much time at night to think, and it is almost worse than before. I sat on my back porch last night, crying and wondering what is going to happen with the rest of my life. I miss him so much, he was just larger than life, and filled a room with his presence....the house is so empty. All my friends, at least most of them, think I am coping really well. A few know that I have some pretty bad days. I keep praying for time to make this easier, I hope it will.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[nats]

Hello Everyone,

This is a very emotional discussion for me as I have lost contact with everyone except my sons, my friend Brenda (whom I'm so sure was sent by God) and one friend, I'm blessed my Mother is still here and we speak on the phone everyweek, but all the so called "friends" Ruth and I had have not called, her children whom told her they would support me have been out of touch even after numerous attempts on my part to make contact....Brenda and I have been out to two social events per say, a 4th of July cookout and we recently took our class for a CCW (concealed weapon permit) and we attended a cookout during our shooting qualification, for the most part it was OK but we kinda just didn't fit in, we found ourselves just kinda isolated, we prefer to just go to movies or watch movies at her or my house and just socialize with our children....being we both work full time, me in a fast paced retail business and her self employed cleaning business we see a lot of people during our week so we stay kinda private...I hear some ups and downs here so I guess I'm in the middle, Ruth and I didn't socialize much and now I must be in my comfort zones....

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Mary,

A great positive story and I can understand how you must feel like you have to much time now that the play is complete, sounds like you had a good time doing it....our house's always seem empty with the physical presence but if we let oursleves open to the spritual side of this journey we can feel the presence, I just moments ago went to the bedroom to fold and put some laundry away and felt Ruth fully surround my body with warmth and she told me she was proud I wasn't living out of a clothes basket, hugged me and left, I knew she left because I was chilled afterwards, needless to say it brought me to a total standstill, I just closed my eyes, let the tears flow and fully enjoyed her embracing me....I still have many bad days as well but things like that just reassure me she's only gone from earth, not my mind, body or soul.....and she will always be with me....even in this new journey with Brenda we have both spoken that we will really never "get over" our spouses but thats OK we shouldn't "get over" because if we do we will have forgotten and I don't want that....

May God Bless Us All.....

NATS

[Queeniemary]

Nats, actually I really do feel his presence a lot. At one point during the play this past weekend, I was sitting in the annex, watching the play on the monitor, when I felt someone behind me, I turned to tell the cast or crew member something about the play on the monitor, and no one was there. I know it was Mike giving his seal of approval to the play! A wonderful southern comedy, by the way, by Jones,Hope,Wooten. If any of you ever get a chance to see one of their plays you will enjoy if you like southern humor. Mike had played a part in a previous play written by them, and I think he was approving of the play, and hopefully my direction. Like you Nats, I have Mike's ashes here in the house. I bought a red rock urn from Arizona, and it is just perfect for him. He never wanted to be buried. I have saved some to scatter when the time is right, but mostly he rests in the red rock. I feel comforted having him near.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kath]

Melina,

One thing that helped me was to have an escape plan. (Sometimes several.) That way if I wasn't enjoying being there or it became too odd (everything felt surreal and out of place) I could leave.

Kath