Having Sobbing Day

[melina]

It seems that every third day I have my sobbing day. It's two-thirty in the afternoon and I haven't been able to stop since getting up at ten. I'm not sure if it's certain things that set it off, or if I just have to pour out my grief all in one go every so often. The sobbing is so hard my stomach muscles are starting to hurt. Today I think it's the guilt again - feeling I should have appreciated my husband more. And the post-trauma - I think - that I didn't realize he was dying until just hours before his death.

My sister-in-law says that I should just stop thinking about it. She's not religious and says that he's gone now and feels nothing. She says it's like not being born. This doesn't comfort me at all.

Melina

[Billw]

It would be nice if we could "just stop thinking about it" this consumes just about every minute of some days for me. I have had an extremely hard past few days, it is all I can think about. Work was just a blur yesterday, my oldest son came by to see me last night and we talked a lot about his mom and you can tell it warms his heart to think and talk about her, she left a huge mark on our part of the earth and is missed very badly. Some days I just go through the motions and fake it for 8-10 hours, come home, cry a little, and then try to eat and exorcise and that is my day. I wonder sometimes if this is my existence for the rest of the time I am here. I hate the thought of one more minute without her but I know I don't get a choice in that. I want to think there will be a day when this changes and I can feel "normal" again but I wouldn't know what normal looks like. I want to recover and feel better and I have faith that I will but the patience people talk about is hard to find. I really hope you feel better today and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers today...BW

[melina]

Thanks Bill, I hope we both feel better soon. I could never have imagined this kind of pain, but I suppose in the end, we'll have learned more about ourselves and be able to empathize to a greater degree with other people. If that's any consolation. I worked in Malawi, in Africa, for a time. I remember that each and every family I met had lost one or more members to AIDS, malaria or other diseases, including cancer. Grief was a normal part of their lives, yet they continued to work to feed what was left of their families, to go to church, to find some meaning with their lives. And they did it with only a fraction of the resources we have. Now I know a little of what they must have been going through.

Melina

[Billw]

I think you hit the nail on the head Melina, my wife used to ask "what is the lesson in all of this?" and I think a good part of it is what you talked about in seeing those families walk through grief and life challenges and still find meaning. We are fortunate to have the resources we do this day and age, I mean look at how we are interacting now. Every time I think my life has kicked me in the gut I don't have to look far to find someone in more pain than me. I think part of the healing process involves getting out of myself and offering a hand to someone else, I just have a hard time with the "self" part at times. I know my wife would want me to keep moving and some days that is the only motivation I have. God knows she didn't give up and I don't intend to either. Thanks Melina have a good day..BW

[Marion Claire]

Sounds like you have a very hard hearted sister-in-law. Has she ever lost anyone close to here. Some people do not know how devistating it is to lose your soulmate. I know life as it was will never be again, and I hae to learn to go on alone, but he is with me still, in my heart and soul and allmy kids feel the same way. We feel him near at times and know when the day is right we will be together again. Grief takes different time for different people. They handle it different but it never is gone. One ex-son-in-law told my daughter the same thing, "He's gone so forget about it! Get over it." He broke her heart with such a statement. We don't forget!

[kayc]

Is your sister-in-law his sister? It's hard for me to comprehend someone being so callous. I would reply to her that is not how I believe and does little to bring me comfort. One of the odd things I learned when I lost George was how people seem to think they can say anything they want to you...I learned to stand up to them and not let them run rampant over me. You don't have to be abrasive, just not take everything they dish out or say. I can let some things go, but some people were just too in-my-face or controlling to let go of (like my sister who was so good at telling me I should sell my house, do this, do that, feel this, feel that...I finally told her that when she loses her husband I'll tell her what to do...that shut her up.) Sometimes people need that to realize just how they've come across and what they've said to you. We could all write a book about the inappropriate responses we've received from people. Most of them don't mean to be inappropriate, they are just clueless. I can let go of some of it, forgive them, but some things need addressed too.

Your husband and your love was so great, nothing could change it, it still exists and even death could not squelch it...he does still exist, there's just a chasm between the two worlds that can't be crossed right now, but it's temporary and you will be with him again.

Kay

[mlg]

Maybe our loved ones don't feel anything, but that sure doesn't mean that we don't. As I told someone the other day, you have NO idea what it's like to lose a spouse until you've lost one. I know that I knew it would be bad but actually thought I was fairly strong. Well, 2 1/2 years later that HUGE hole in my gut is no smaller. Yes, I can function better but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. Even some of those who have remarried will tell you they still think about the one they lost. You just have to hope if love comes again that this new person will understand your love for your previous spouse and accept it.

[kayc]

You just have to hope if love comes again that this new person will understand your love for your previous spouse and accept it.

They'd have to. It's not like a divorce, you never asked for the marriage to end, you didn't want away from them, somewhere up there is still a wonderful person you never wanted out of your life...any new person would have to understand that.

[Lindakay]

Maybe our loved ones don't feel anything, but that sure doesn't mean that we don't. As I told someone the other day, you have NO idea what it's like to lose a spouse until you've lost one. I know that I knew it would be bad but actually thought I was fairly strong. Well, 2 1/2 years later that HUGE hole in my gut is no smaller. Yes, I can function better but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. Even some of those who have remarried will tell you they still think about the one they lost. You just have to hope if love comes again that this new person will understand your love for your previous spouse and accept it.

It's been 2 1/2 years for me too. I hope to be able to move on but never forget and appreciate what a soul mate I had for 33 years. I feel I went through the worst experience of my life...coming home and finding he had committed suicide. He told me not to look in my note he left me. I didn't. I wanted to remember the hug and kiss good bye that morning, He was warm and alive. I function but I feel like this song I heard. You ought to look it up. It's called sleep walker by Adam Lambert the Idol contestant. It's about going through the motions everyday.I'll never find another Scott but I have thought I have enough time to spend my last days with someone. I'm not needy or desparate. It happens when it's meant to happen. I don't think ypou can expect a new spouse to want you to elaborate on all the good things about the one that passed. It'll be a private fantasy about love and your youth and what yall had together. Lindakay

[Lindakay]

My sister loved me and didn't want me to move out of state away from our very close family. All six siblings would do anything for each other. They were quick to say things like...move home, sell your cars, sell your house. "you need to...."I just answered, not yet. They say make no sudden changes until you are ready. It's more affordable in NC than Tampa Fla. I have a good job and made friends in these five years. Alot of support when I lost Scott. He wanted me to move home too. Please, don't tell me what to do. I'm an adult and can make my own decisions. You lost your love, not your mind.I upgraded the house in case I move and sell, made it my changes for my enjoyment too. First thing I did was get a loveseat fold out bed for the computer room. Said outloud for some dark humor, "You would have really hated this couch, it's peach color. Made the computer music room (so much his personality) a library/computer room/spare bedroom. He wouldn't have liked it at all. I also said, you should have stuck around.

[Korina]

I certainly have sobbing times, too, but not as often and not as gut wrenching. But just as sad. As for 'normal', I think we adjust to our new situation and eventually find a new normal that works.

Your sister-in-law may not have a belief in life after death, but that does not mean you don't. She may have been trying to help, or perhaps it is a mask of her own pain (if your husband was her brother). At any rate, if it helps at all, I certainly believe that our loved ones are 'on the other side', watching over us and helping out however they can.

Take care,

Korina