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5 Week Today


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I am new to this. I really don't know if I am doing this right, but I thought maybe it would help if I could find others who are going through this experience. I feel so lost and it feels like nothing is real. I know my Ray is gone but it just feels like that is not possible. He will just appear any minute now. I know that sounds crazy but I can't get over the feeling that it just can't be happening to us. I just go through each day like he is still here, I talk to him all the time and hope I am doing this right. He died suddenly of a massive stroke with no warning, we didn't have time to say goodby or we loved each other, he was talking to me one minute and the next he was gone. I just wondered if anyone else can relate. Thanks for listening to me.

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Fran,

Let me extend my sympathies on the loss of your husband. Yes you are doing it right, you are fine. There are many of us who lost our husbands unexpectedly and didn't get to say goodbye...with mine it was a heart attack. Just keep coming here and expressing yourself, it helps to not keep it bottled up. And read...you are not alone, there are many going through the same thing.

(((hugs)))

Kay

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Fran, please accept my sympathy for the loss of Ray. I can relate to your experience because my wife Robin suddenly passed away on June 23, 2010. I don't think anyone here would say that there is a right or wrong way to get through what we are each experiencing. This is an individual process with a lot of back and forth and ups and downs. Speaking for myself, for the first month or so following Robin's death I was basically sleepwalking through life and just going through the daily motions. Eventually, life settled into a new routine but it will never be the same. I am still struggling with this and I don't know if I will ever get to a point where it won't be a struggle. I have found this board to be very helpful and the people here are very supportive. I encourage you to continue to come here. All the best and again please accept my sincere sympathy for the loss of Ray. PopPop

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I also lost my mother and my husband very suddenly. my mother was given an overdoes of insulin by a nurse in march 2009 she died nine days later after being in a coma. my husband was sitting next to me watching tv 5 months(aug 2009) later and just fell over and he was gone. I had just lost my father the thanksgiving before that. I have been in a state of shock I guess you could say. If it weren't for my children, my aunts and my church I would not be here still. this happened in 2009 and I can't even remember christmas that year. It has only been since I started back to work in Feb. that I have made anykind of sense. I still cry all the way home from work cause I know he won't be there.. I have been told there is no right or wrong way to express your grief, that everyone is different. I know it sure helps to talk about it. I feel like I have lost a whole life and now I don't know how to start over nor do I want to. I tried a support group at a church but I think online is better cause I start crying when people talk to me about it. It's easier to type.

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Fran,

I am so sorry for your loss. I want to encourage you to believe that you will survive your pain. I have had many losses but the most difficult has been the loss of my soulmate. I lost my soulmate to suicide so it was a sudden loss for me as well. Welcome, we all understand, and you are not alone. It is safe here.

Courage and Blessings to you.

Carol Ann

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I am new to this. I really don't know if I am doing this right, but I thought maybe it would help if I could find others who are going through this experience. I feel so lost and it feels like nothing is real. I know my Ray is gone but it just feels like that is not possible. He will just appear any minute now. I know that sounds crazy but I can't get over the feeling that it just can't be happening to us. I just go through each day like he is still here, I talk to him all the time and hope I am doing this right. He died suddenly of a massive stroke with no warning, we didn't have time to say goodby or we loved each other, he was talking to me one minute and the next he was gone. I just wondered if anyone else can relate. Thanks for listening to me.

I lost my husband of 33 years over 2 1/2 years ago. You go through phases and it never goes away completely. I was in limbo/shock that he was gone. You purge stuff and give away his clothes. You change the house to make it yours, not "ours". A year later you think...I could start over. Then you talk to someone and realize you're not ready to date again. They aren't "him". You write a grief journal and tell "him" everything you feel like that day. Read it a year later asnd you are not in that frame of mind..a bit better. You travel and cook things he never liked. Have no one to feel guilty at wanting to go see family and friends out of state. We loved being together all the time. He wanted to move to our favorite vacation state. Away from family. Then going home when he didn't want to made me feel guilty. I don't

feel bad travelling now. I do talk to him still. Mine wrote me over 100 poems. He was passionate and timeless. Looked 20 years younger than men of his age. He was sensitive and good looking. Told me how much he loved me every day. He also told me he wanted to die but not because he lacked love. He was chronically depressed at the end. He wanted life to end. One day he did what he warned me he would. He committed suicide. Wrote me three notes. One hidden where I knew it would be. One to me to be shared and one to the rescue workers, He wrote a goodbye poem.

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Fran,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's five weeks since I lost my beloved husband to lung cancer. He had never smoked in his life, was healthy and active and then this happened. His cancer was in remission, but suddenly he got a pneumonia that killed him. We were completely unprepared - it was a shock. Our four sons and I are all in deep grief. I feel the same way you do. It still seems unreal, it can't be happening to us. I've been in deep despair, and I feel utterly lost. This site has been a good support for me. I can pour out my feelings and thoughts and someone will always be there with comforting words, similar experiences and reality checks. Use it to help you through.

Melina

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Thank you everyone!! I am so sorry for all your lost loved ones too. I agree about this being easier than going to a group. I have been thinking about going to one but I just start crying whenever I try to talk about Ray and my pain and confusion and at least I can type (I think) through my tears. I keep waiting to hear the words from someone that will make this all better, but there aren't any. I have a friend who lost her husband and she says that there is no magic words. It will hurt for a long time and it won't be easy and it will be so different. I can't see a future, I can barely think about tomorrow. My friend had children that needed her and that kept her going, but my children are grown and live in other states. When Ray retired we moved to Arizona and we have no family here. I do have wonderful friends. But after a while I feel like they are getting "bored" with my grief and don't understand. So I fake being "ok". Also, I don't want anything to be different!!! I want everything to remain the same. I want the world to just STOP! I had no idea how much we were a team, a couple, whatever. Every

little thing was with Ray. It's the little things that are so difficult. Not hearing the spoon in the coffee cup when he put in sugar. The TV on the western channel. Reading "Pickles" in the comic strip everyday. Watching the golf tournaments and now opening of football season. These things are endless and it's like a stab to my heart everytime I remember. I am starting to remember more of the past now, but so many of the memories so far have been about the day of the stroke, the ER and those things. Should I have done this or that, should the Drs., you know, all those things you really did right but wonder "if".... Anyway, thank you all for responding and please know how much I appreciate knowing that there are others who are going on this journey too. I hope this gets better some day, but I'm sure can't see that far ahead. Lindakay, your words struck a particular cord with me, I never thought of writing to him, but I have thought of cooking things he didn't like, if I ever get around to cooking again. I will check back here often, you guys have made my day a little better.

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I can totally relate - Scott and I were a team, and I am at half strength. But he made me strong, so I am building up.

But those little things.... seeing him on the couch, making him a sandwich, rubbing his back, our conversations, his laugh....and on and on and on. They sure do hurt.

It is over a year later, and just yesterday, I simply couldn't believe he was gone. Still can't. But I have forged ahead because I have no choice, and I have a beautiful daughter to live for.

As for this forum, it has been great for me, first of all because of the people, but also because I can post anytime of the day or night, and don't have to schedule time for a meeting (which as a widowed working mom, is not an easy thing to do).

Keep coming back.

Korina

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I can't believe that they still hurt over a year later. The pain sometimes takes my breath away and I keep thinking that it shouldn't be so raw, but it is. I have to talk to myself to make myself realize it's real and that he is never going to be with me again. For some reason I have this feeling inside that it's not happening, I don't expect him to walk through the door or anthing, I intellectually know Ray died, but my heart and soul just aren't with the program. It kind of makes me wonder if I'm okay. It's like I'm waiting for something. Guess this doesn't make much sense. I know what you mean, about forging ahead. Ray made me strong and confident and I know he would want me to go forward and I try every day to do what I know he would want me to do. I think of making it through another day as a way of honoring our love and proving we are still a "team" and leaning on him for the strength I just don't seem to have right now. If the world would just stop for a while and let me curl up into a ball, I would be so grateful. But, no. Now I have to deal with all the paper work and bills and I have to get the car in for an oil change and do laundry and yard work and deal with friends and relatives and so on and so on. It's like you have no choice but to go on living and your daily life changes a little bit every day, and I don't want it to change. I want to keep all the "routine" things just the same and it's not working. What a horrible thing to happen to us all and my heart goes out to you and all the others who are trying so hard to get through this. This is a wonderful way to vent and to know that there are real, everyday people who understand and can reach out and help. By the way, yesterday I filled out my first form where I had to mark the widow box instead of the married box and I just lost it. I still feel so married, I don't know if I was more angry or more sad. What a roller-coaster I'm on.

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Fran, you are not alone. All of us are on this journey with you, and many of our losses were sudden and totally unexpected.

My husband Michael died on January 13th suddenly of a massive coronary at home alone, while I was in the hospital 1 1/2 hours away recovering from a total knee replacement. He had experienced no warning symptons, and they tell me it happened instantly. Our daughter found him, surrounded by our dogs that he loved, and had to tell me over the phone that he was gone.

After over 8 months, certain things are getting a little easier, but I still somehow expect him to come through the door in the morning after his shift at the sheriff's department (He was a detention sargeant). Just take baby steps, one day, one minute at a time, and one day you will find that something that was so hard in the beginning of this journey is a little easier. I feel his presence a lot, and know he is looking out for me and the animals. Come to this site often, just reading the posts have helped me through many a dark day.

What part of AZ do you live in, I have a sister in Prescott, and my best friend lives in Douglas. Mike really wanted to retire to AZ. But I knew I could never leave all my grandkids.

Praying for all of us in this club we did not want to join.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Thank you, Queeniemary! It has helped so much to read the posts. I don't know why reading all these sad stories of loss helps but it does. Knowing that others are making it through this makes me feel a little less alone and hopeful that there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. The sudden loss is the hardest but then I think that that is ok, I would not have wanted him to suffer through a long illness. And then selfishly, I think I wish he had so we had time to say all those things I tell him everyday now. See, back and forth. Egad, this is fun....not. And I live in north Phoenix. Ray and I moved here from Seattle after he retired in 2004 and we never looked back. This is our "paradise" and I can honestly say, we have never been more happy and contented. We used to just grin at each other and wonder how in the world we got so lucky. We have always been avid golfers and it was what we always dreamed of doing together. I guess he was lucky to have 6 years of living his dream. And someday, maybe I can say that with sincerity. Take care and have the best day possible.

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