Fitting Into The Group?

[melina]

This group has been wonderfully supportive and has helped me greatly over the past 5, going 6 weeks now. I was a complete mess when my husband died. I'm doing a little better now - still crying every day, but able to stop. And as I've said earlier, I have days where I only cry now and then, while other days are "sobbing days" where my stomach muscles end up hurting from the weeping.

The problem for me here is that I feel like I'm - not sure how to express it - not as worthy as other people here. I've mentioned this earlier too. We were married for 28 years, together for nearly 30. We've had some roller coaster rides in our marriage. At one point I didn't think we were going to make it. But we persevered and came through crises together. I've said and done things in the past that I regret. We've hurt each other, and then made up and square things up. But now it seems all I can think about are those bad moments. I notice that most people here talk about all their good times, that they never missed a chance to say "i love you" or to hug, even holding hands while they ate dinner. Though we certainly said "i love you" and hugged a lot, I missed a lot of those chances.

I do have sort of a pessimistic personality, and some baggage from growing up. My father was an alcoholic, I couldn't get along with my mother, and there was a lot of depression in our family. My brother committed suicide three years ago. As such, I seem to be the kind of person who automatically feels guilty - about everything. I've felt guilt even when it's been unreasonable to feel it.

Now I'm having trouble remembering or holding on to those good memories with my husband. Or rather - I have wonderful memories of him - he was a wonderful man, kind, loving and generous, but I can't seem to locate all the good memories where I feel I was worthy enough or good enough as a wife. Maybe I felt this way in general.

Many of the posts here leave me feeling guilty, though I know of course that's never been the intention. Not sure if I should take a break from this site, or if there is any comfort to be found on this topic. Maybe people tend to write the good stuff and leave out the bad? What's normal and what's not in a marriage - I'm not sure any more. We stuck together for nearly 30 years, which I suppose counts for something. Our four sons have all turned out to be fine young men. I should take comfort in this - but it's so hard. I keep beating myself up over old memories.

Apparently this is to be one of my low days.

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Melina, you have got to stop beating yourself up. You say you don't feel worthy, yet you have raised 4 fine young men, your sons. I doubt that many people here have had "perfect" marriages. Let's face it, we are all human! Mike and I had our ups and downs, but the bottom line is that we loved each other no matter what. He could be irritating, and so was I (occasionally), and we sometimes would argue about things, but we always cared. Sometimes I do seem to dwell on the less than perfect parts of our marriage, it is sort of like picking at a scab. Just to watch it bleed! But the good memories are there also, and they are like balm on the wound. We loved traveling together, doing community theater together, and although I am continuing with things, it is just not the same anymore. Mike and I did not say "I love you" a lot, we were kind of casual about our feelings. I think we all try to remember the good times, and the love, and that is what comes out in our writing on this site, but honey, you can be sure that most of us have parts of our marriage that we regret having happened. Words said in anger, missed chances to say I Love You. In our day to day life, none of us expected what was just around the corner waiting for us....the loss of the person we loved and depended on the most. I hope you keep coming to this site, Melina. People here can help you through those low days, and whether or not you realize it, you help people also by posting and getting discussions going. This particular post of yours hit home with me, as I also have some of these feelings, but seeing you put it in writing helped me realize I am not alone in these feelings. So when I say "stop beating yourself up", I am talking to myself also.

Praying for us all in this club we did not choose to join.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Daughter2010]

Melina,

First of all, don't be silly. People here discuss their marriages and feelings, frustrations, grief, etc. None of us are perfect and I am sure everyone who is or was married at some point does not have a perfect marriage. I am glad you are writing about your issues as this is the first step towards healing. If I could give you a real hug I would, but a cyber hug would do :-).

My mother at times feels guilty for not doing enough for my dad but in reality we did all we could do. Unfortunately we cannot foresee circumstances like this, and all we can do is let our loved ones know how much we appreciate them and love them. Whether that is with an "I love you" or doing something for them, etc.

You said it yourself you have 4 sons that turned out just fine, so do not beat yourself up. Your marriage of almost 30 years was a roller coaster but I am sure no one's is perfect. Try to let go of the guilt.

We are a group of grieving people with our own issues and one of many things in common...we are grieving a loss.

Go easy on yourself and remember to take things day by day.

Please know that you are cared for here, so don't feel like you don't belong. We are here to listen to you and provide assistance in any way we can.

-L

[Billw]

Hi Melina, You told me after one of my posts last week that it made you feel guilty. I'm pretty sure though that sometimes we are way harder on ourselves than anyone else could possibly be. I thought back to a time before my wife and I were married, we had been together for maybe 8-9 months and had gotten into a bit of a disagreement. It turned into a pretty good brawl and we broke up for a few weeks. I had said something to her about if she would only do this or that like somebody else we would be a lot better off. She reminded me that when we compare ourselves to others in that way we will probably come up short every time. We need to learn to be o.k. with who we are. I wasted a pretty fair amount of time in my younger days trying to be someone I was not. I was either way better than you or not near as good. I have spent a lot of time the last 20 or so years trying to find balance in my life and just be who I am. I would change some things if I could like anyone else, was my marriage perfect? Far from it, we did the best we could over the years to compliment each others strengths instead picking at what was wrong with everything, did we do that perfectly? Some days were better than others no doubt. The point is we do the best we can most of the time and that's all we can do, we learn from our mistakes and try to make amends along the way. This deal is hard enough without beating ourselves up on top of everything else that has happened, be kind to yourself. You have been through a horrific ordeal, allow yourself to heal. God bless and take care....BW

[mlg]

Did I have a perfect marriage, you betcha. Did we never argue -heck yes we did. Just because things don't seem perfect at times they are things that make you grow in your marriage. If you don't learn from them, then yes it isn't good, but I think most of us on here anyway have learned from our mistakes. Does that make our grief any different - no. Just try to give yourself some breathing room. If that means you don't come to this site every day that's OK. At first I probably got on her 6-8 times a day. Then I felt like listening to people tell my story again and again and my response was always the same was kind of bringing me down so I had to step back for a while. When I came back I just read comments a lot. If I felt that there was something really important that I could add that may help someone, I did. Otherwise I just read.

Belonging to this group has no fit. It isn't like buying a new pair of shoes and yet in a way it is. All of us have different size and shaped feet so we can't all wear the same shoe. Grief is kind of like that. We have all come to this spot from different roads. Some of us have taken more side roads than others, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just a detour. At any rate we all ended up at the same spot and now we have to figure out what road to take next. Some of us can take the straight path; where others have to take detours along the way. You just have to know how to get to the end. I'll be saying prayers for you that you find some comfort in this situation.

[kayc]

Melina,

Nobody's marriage is perfect because it's comprised of two imperfect people...however, it can still be perfect for us. I feel that was the case with George and I, we were just such a perfect fit for each other. Did we ever fight? Not often, but yes, we had some. I have heard it said that experts can predict whether a marriage will end in divorce or not by observing how we fight. Notice, I say HOW not IF. If you don't fight it usually means there's a breakdown in communication and that's not good. The important thing in fighting is to show respect to each other even when you disagree. And of course it's important to persevere or none of our marriages would stay the course. The fact is, you two DID make it, so commend yourselves for having done so. I'm sure your husband knew you loved him, look how long you were together!

If you're having a hard time calling up the good memories, write them down as you think of them. That way you can have a list ready when doubts assail you. What were the times you felt most comfortable with him? What holiday stands out in your mind as the best and why? What was the most memorable event in your marriage? Do you recall your wedding ceremony and looking into each other's eyes as you said "I do." What was it he appreciated the most about you? What do you miss the most about him? Write these things down, they're all important. When you have doubts look at your list and you'll see what the two of you had.

About the group, we're not in a competition...nor do we all fit into some mold, we're all unique, so are our marriages and our grief journeys. We all belong and each one lends something special and important to the overall group. Of course you belong here, don't ever doubt it! We care about you and if you let us, we'll be here as you continue to progress through this journey.

[Korina]

Our marriage certainly wasn't perfect as we went through some very difficult times, both of us at fault for one reason or another. And I do think about those times. I think part of the shock I went through was the fact that we had gotten through so much and persevered with a great love for each other intact, that for Scott to die was completely ridiculous and unfair. Through all of our faults, we had something special, just as you and your husband had something special.

Please do not compare yourself to anyone else - as previously noted, we all have unique situations, with the common element being that we are grieving our soulmate/spouse. We are here to support each other as we grieve and struggle to learn to live without them.

Lots of hugs,

Korina

[Marion Claire]

No one here would ever want to make anyone else feel bad. I know that!! I commentted one day to one daughter that I had had a perfect life from the day I was born. Looking at me in shock she said "Mom where have you been all your life?' Oh, guess all was only perfect in my momory.. Had a real hard time together mainly over our kids. One got pregnant at 14 and that drew us way apart for quite some time. Had 2 other kids in trouble a lot and mom was always softer thus the good guy in their eyes........... Thank God they grew into fabulouse adults and the young girl has given us 3 wonderful daughters and a great son-in-law.( their real father ) My only son committed suicide 3 years ago and that we thought would kill us but we survived. We had too...........So I truly doubt any marriage is perfect in every respect. My husband and I adored each other and he treated me a princess. That is the part I am remembering---the man who would do anything for me, not the man who I argued with about our daughter having an abortion. ( I just would not ever agree with him on that.) Yes not all perfect but more great memores to memories to remember....No life is perfect I don't think.