Dealing With An Ex-Wife And Step-Children

[Perkins808]

I need to vent, and I figured what better place.

I have finally reached my boiling point. Thank God that the couple of weeks following Jeff's death, I was numb. I didn't react when Jeff's ex-wife insisted on standing in the receiving line at his wake. I didn't react when 6 days after he died she was hounding me for all of the information to his life insurance policies. I didn't react when two weeks after he died she started having his girls ask me questions about what I was doing with Dad's truck, his jeep, his riding lawnmower, etc. She started calling and texting me - asking me how I was doing? Am I ok? Trying to be friendly with me.

I am not numb anymore.....and now I am furious.

I met Jeff a year after his divorce from this woman had been finalized, yet she always treated me like I was the "other woman". Ironically, she had left HIM for another man...which is why they divorced.

Anytime she could create drama, she did. He even had to have her removed from his house by the police one day when she barged in on us and insisted that they needed to talk.

When Jeff was diagnosed with cancer, we had been engaged for almost a year. We decided to not waste another second and got married right away. She had the nerve to call Jeff the night before our wedding to ask him if he was sure he knew what he was doing....did he really know me well enough to trust me. Our love was an unconditional, unselfish, never ending love....one you don't find everyday, and she tried to reduce it to me wanting to have rights to all his "stuff" if anything should happen to him. She was afraid that by marrying me, she wouldnt get anything. My intentions were pure - I wanted nothing more than to marry my soulmate and spend as much time with him as possible. I wanted to wake up and fall asleep next to him, and I wanted to be able to take care of him during his battle with cancer. How dare she question my intentions? How dare she question MY motives. How dare she try to be friends with me now when all she could do when Jeff was alive was to cause grief for us??

I am also now dealing with stuff with my step daughters that I hadn't imagined I would be dealing with. Their Mom has convinced them that although they had continued staying here every other weekend since Dad died.....that "our" house holds too many painful memories and they shouldn't stay here anymore. When Jeff and I got married we finished my basement so that all four of our girls would have their own rooms. They would each have their own space and would feel like this was home. I have tried so hard to continue to make this "home" for them....but now that Dad is gone, I have no control over anything. I have no rights when it comes to them.....I am just the step mom. Without Jeff being here, it really doesn't mean anything. Just when I thought my heart was broken beyond repair, it's broken into more pieces.

Jeff was always my rock, he was my stress relief when any "ex" situations came up. Without him here I am at a loss as to what to do? I don't want to lose my relationship with his girls.....but how do I handle the situation with his ex without it interfering with my relationship with his girls??

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Tammy

[Cheryl]

I haven't been apart of this kind of situation but my gut tells me that you will need to figure out some way to be "friends" with their mom, even if you have to fake it. I think if you can stay out of the messy adult part and just love the girls regardless of their mom you will have a better chance of keeping them as a part of your life. I can't imagine the added stress this must be having on your grief and your family life. It's hard enough trying to make a home without our loved one but the stress of losing the girls too breaks my heart. It always seems like the kids get caught. They are lucky to have you in their life. Maybe your girls can help plan activities and have it be their idea to extend the invitations ect...? I wish I had better ideas...

[Lindakay]

Make no decisions right away. Don't be bombarded with request for stuff by an ex wife. Assure his daughters that you loved him and even when he got cancer you took care of him. Tell him you've never tried to compete with their mom. What was then isn't and wasn't anymore and what you had was different than her early years with their dad. Go throught pixs with them and make a photo story. Let them be involved. Ask them for stories of them being with their dad. Don't involve the ex in hardly anything. Tell the girls that their dad would want them to have a getaway place to come. Tell them how much he loved them and told you about it. You'll have a relationship if they are good kids. LindaKay

[nats]

Tammy,

You have a tough situation but as I see it you must always remember she is there mother, stand your ground and be honest with the children...you and her do not need to be friends but you both had one thing in common your husband and that can't be changed, even with the divorce she may have some grief issues that no one knows or expects...for me I would keep an open mind and go with what you feel is comfortable for you do not let your guard down, but to be in the best intrest of the children and to keep your relationship with them good I see that you must both try and get along, as hard as it may be to do....you come first here and your comfort level so as I am learning "just go with the flow" a day at a time...

NATS

[sunstreet]

Tammy,

I am sorry that you have this tough situation in front of you. My thoughts are that you should try not to make big decisions right now. I believe it best to just affirm the love you and Jeff shared with your step daughters. My heart weeps with you. Write about your anger here, in a journal, but try not to give it to Jeff's ex for now. Your grief is so fresh and you don't need toxic people like Jeff's ex in your journey at present. I would try to keep the ex at a respectable distance. I wish you courage and wisdom as you face this challenge.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[Perkins808]

Thank you all for your advice. I knew in my heart what you were going to say - I just needed to hear it from someone else.

I have spent the last 4 years being the bigger person. I always bit my tongue and never said an unkind word about their mother. She took every opportunity to voice her opinions.....but I knew if I ever said anything bad about their Mom it would be like forcing them to choose between me and Mom. It was a no-brainer, Mom would always win no matter if she was right or wrong.

It was a challenge "playing nice" even when Jeff was by my side, but I always managed to do it.....doing it while grieving him? I have no idea how I am going to pull that one off, but I know I have to. Oh how I wish he was here to give me a hug and a pep talk!

Tammy

[kayc]

Tammy,

It's a very rough position to be in, I have been there. The only thing I can say is, don't let her manipulate you. Be polite but don't have more contact with her than you absolutely need to. Never talk bad about her to her kids...kids do figure things out on their own in due time. Keep the doors open for them. Invite them over...they will put pressure on her to let them come and if she doesn't allow it, they will seek you out when they are of age. My stepson did and he is still in my life...he is now 37 and a father himself.

[Lainey]

Tammy,

My advice is "Ditto" to what kayc said.

The further you stay from the ex while still being polite is the best policy. The girls will see the depth of love you had for their dad and will love you for it in time.

Lainey

[melina]

Like others have said here, I suppose you just have to let the girls know you're there for them and that they are welcome any time. At the same time it's important not to say anything bad about their mother.

How old are the girls? If they're teenagers, they'll probably have their own views on the arrangement.

Melina

[linsey]

I had a similar situation only with my mother in law.Every thing was fine between us until nick asked me to marry him and it all went down hill from there. She started a fight at our wedding reception ruining a day that should be remembered as a happy one. Then she started a fight the day my son was born. And then the night before nick passed she had the nerve to tell me I was killing nick with his pain medication and she did this in front of my three year old son. Nick and I loved eachother more then anything and I did my best to take care of nick while he fought his cancer. I just try my best to keep things good between me and her for my son I want him to know his grandma. It is very hard. And now that i am moving in with my parents she does not like it but i just cant afford to keep our apartment right now. I just pray every night for things to work out for me and nicholas I really do not need any more stress in my life it is crazy enough right now. your husbands ex needs to realize you are going through enough to. If she loved him like you do they would not have seperated. I will keep you in my prayers that things work out for you.