What Ifs Are Keeping Me Awake

[melina]

I've finally gotten off the sleeping pills at night by substituting them with Melatonin - a natural sleep hormone. It works getting me to sleep, but I wake up in the middle of the night with all my "what ifs". Then I get so agitated I have to get up and walk around.

I keep thinking over and over again - what if I had gotten my husband to the doctor earlier, insisted on a x-ray of his lungs and a CT, and the lung cancer had been discovered early enough to operate. He would be here now, with me and his family.

He had complained of feeling tired a while before the diagnosis. But I'm not sure exactly how long he felt like this before it was discovered. Probably about 6 months. I think I just said I was tired too, and we left it at that. I was kind of worn out from my job, and figured so was he. He was a teacher. I didn't give his tiredness another thought. If only I had forced him to the doctor to get a check-up. But he was out running at least three times a week and seemed otherwise ok. It wasn't until April last year that he really started feeling under the weather. He thought it was a virus, or a bronchitis. But not until June did he go to the doctor, when it didn't go away.

He always had that attitude that - most things will go away by themselves. And they usually did. He was remarkably healthy - rarely had a cold or the flu. He had pneumonia once years ago, and even that went away without medication. By the time he went to the doctor with it, it had already started clearing up.

What if I had worked hard to get him to the doctor when he was feeling bad in April. Maybe it wouldn't have spread.

This is driving me insane. I feel like this is all my fault - my responsibility. I should have prevented his death.

Melina

[Nick]

Hi Melina,

I do the same thing please don't blame yourself you did nothing wrong! You are just trying to make sense of something that makes no sense it's perfectly normal. Part of making sense of things is having someone or something to blame, but you are not that person. It's not fair to you you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. You might also be mad at your husband for not going to the doctor earlier this is normal too. As many times as we go over the same stuff and desperately want to change the outcome sadly we can't. Please be kind to yourself, kind words it was not your fault! It sounds like this came out of nowhere how would you have known?? These thoughts will lead nowhere good just to mental anguish it was out of your control. I know it's easier said then done. Allow yourself to have those thoughts but try not to get stuck on the what if's.

Leesa

[MartyT]

Melina, dear ~ I don't know if it will help to ease the heavy load of guilt you're carrying, but I read an article this past week that you may find of interest. The author (Richard Young, MD) notes that "There are dozens of different kinds of cancer. The prognosis of only three are widely accepted to be improved by early detection (breast, colon, and, cervical). Other cancers have evidence that early detection doesn't make any difference . . ." You will find the article here:

Catherine Zeta-Jones blames doctors for Michael Douglas' throat cancer

See also the article I've attached, Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda, by David Dudley: RegretsComingToTermsWith.doc

[Cajie_Laurie]

Melina,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and your children's father. I too, lost my best friend and fiancee this last June and like you, I do the 'What ifs' as I lie in bed at night. And then I get angry at myself and then at my Fiancee for leaving me. I should have listened to my gut that something was wrong. But, I nor you can read minds of others. We tend to trust the doctors that they know what they are doing. I should have made the doctors take tests months before when he started losing weight or just had them put him in the hospital as they warned they'd do if he didn't gain it back.

Nights are the worst. Daytime, at least I have my grand kids to keep be busy and sane. It seems everyone I come in contact with won't or doesn't want me to talk about Tommy. And that's what I wanna do the most. Talk. I have questions and no answers. (Since I was only his fiancee, I was kept in the dark... even about his after care if he had made it, except that I'd be the one to take care of him.

I am so happy I found this site. So many of you are feeling exactly the way I do... the ups and downs, the tears. not wanting to do anything, not being able to express my emotions in a way that others understand, wanting to be left alone, but at the same time, not wanting to be alone.

And I have guilt. That's where the woulda, coulda, shoulda's come in to play. When I look back, I could go years and see signs that some thing was wrong. I should have made the doctors (General practitioner, neurologist, cardiologist) listen. What if I had taken him for a stress test? What if I had been more keen in medical knowledge to see that his mental state was changing? It was so gradual and the neurologist blamed it on the Epilepsy medication. And I wanted to believe the doctors. They were in the process of weaning him off them, but it was too late. So, while I don't have any answers for you (I wish I did) I know how you feel. (((Hugs))))

[kayc]

Melina,

The night before last I woke up a little after 11:00 pm and never got back to sleep. Thinking about Jim and what he said/did/didn't, etc. etc. Thought about all the world's problems, roughly 40% of them being mine. Couldn't shut my brain off. Finally realized my alarm hadn't gone off (the volume accidentally got turned down) and I was 1/2 hour late getting up. don't you just hate nights like that? Sometimes it helps to get up and try to enjoy some of the time rather than fight it, but if you're like me, you hear the ticking of the clock to say "only two more hours to get some sleep...you need some sleep...time's going..." A friend brought me some CDs that play nature sounds to help me sleep by, my sister got me sleepy time tea, honestly, I don't know what works but there's times I'd try anything.

My heart goes out to you. Maybe we need to start a night time club here on this site, I wonder how many are awake anyway?

[ipswitch]

I was furious at my husband's doctor for not screening DH for cancer earlier, as he had smoked for 38 years. But then the doctor explained that the kind of screening that does catch lung cancer early is the equivalent of 300 x-rays, with a price tag to match. It just isn't something you can have every year to check things out.

Because he smoked heavily, I had anticipated outliving him, but I never thought it would happen when I was 53.

The handy man has been my lifeline. He did some work for only the cost of materials. Then he got me out to a Habitat For Humanity house for a day. Then he asked me to help paint another widow's house (she only paid for the paint) when a contractor tried to bamboozle her by telling her she needed all new siding. He has dragged me back to the land of the living...

Life isn't perfect, but at almost seven months I have turned a corner, I think.

[Lostdaughter]

Dear Melina,

Please don't second guess yourself and try not to think too much about the "what ifs." They will drive you crazy.

Being tired (as he was) is something that most people would not even think of as being a symptom of anything, other than our crazy and hectic lifestyles in this society. I think most everyone is tired most of the time. I know I've been tired for a long time and there are so many conditions that bring this about - sleep deprivation, stress, work, depression, just life.

I am sorry you lost your husband to lung cancer. I say this as a smoker who knows full well of the risk and I keep trying to quit and that is always my plan. Some people get lung cancer due to smoking and some people do not. By the time it is symptomatic, often it's too late and nothing can be done. It's hard to prevent what one doesn't even see or detect until it's too late. And there are people who get lung cancer who don't even smoke.

I like to think that when we've learned the lessons on earth it's our time to leave and go to the other side. That's not to say we shouldn't take care of ourselves, but there are many examples of people who take excellent care of themselves and still die an untimely death. And then there is always the risk of even driving a car. No one knows for sure how long we have, so I guess the idea is to make the best use of the time we have. Take care and I hope for better sleep and peace of mind for you.

[melina]

Thanks - my husband had never smoked a single cigarette in his life. That's why it seemed so bizarre that he should die of lung cancer. He was one of those who took excellent care of himself and still died an untimely death.

I also hope for better sleep and peace of mind for all of us.

Melina

[Cajie_Laurie]

I wish the same. May we all get a good nights slumber so we can face our day tomorrow with a better outlook on things.