Just Angry With Everyone

[Lostdaughter]

In the process of losing my Dad I either ended several friendships or things just got ugly with others. I am down to one friend who doesn't live here. I just don't trust people. I'm hurt my dad is gone, I'm hurt my close friend (someone I regarded as the father I never had) was such a jerk when my dad died, I am upset other people weren't there for me, and I am really irritated over what happened over the weekend. I had a falling out with someone who sent me an email out of the blue wanting to patch things up. Turns out what she was really after was to needle me on why I hadn't set up a get together with another woman she met one time. This other woman I met recently isn't my friend anymore either. I am a closet smoker (I know, bad) and I could no longer endure her calling smokers disgusting, or lower consciousness etc. So I finally came out of the closet, as it were, and then got a weird email from her. Then the friend I've known for three years kept needling me wanting to know what happened with this other friend (she's met once) and made comments about how she'd asked me three or four times for us to get together and kept on defending the person she met one time. Finally I got disgusted with that too and told her I thought it was rather odd, considering I had mentioned the job situation, getting the floors done in my house, etc.

Anyway, I am just irritable over everything and thinking all the effort I've put into friendships has been for naught. Yet I'm lonely but just tired of meeting the same people over and over who have their own agendas. Does any of this make sense? I see a bereavement counselor tomorrow and am going to discuss all of this. On top of everything, my house is in complete disarray and I never know when these worker guys are going to show up. Grrrr....can anyone relate to anything I'd said? All I want to do is just lay on the sofa with blankets over me. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Kavish]

Hi Daughter,

It happens when we put others first. Sometimes it is a blessing when you do meet a person who we should respect because they respect and love us back. But I have figured out that it is better that we put our thoughts, our anticipations first so that we are not hurt later on. Don't be angry, be good to yourself first.

Thanks,

Kavish

[Ron B.]

Lostdaughter,

I can relate, but my trouble is not just with friends. Most of my trouble has been with other family members, siblings in particular. Many things my 2 brothers and 1 sister have done seem so grossly inconsiderate. I really try to avoid thinking about stuff that angers me, because I just get all the more bent out of shape, and there's not much I can do that's actually constructive. It's particularly hard for me to forgive deliberately hurtful action; I am not sure whether you have experienced that. My sister has an axe to grind with me and interaction with her has been extraordinarily nasty. My choices are limited. I could cut my sister out of my life completely, but that would hurt me too. Carrying a grudge with intention to get even is not something I do easily. I want to live in peace with others. At a certain point right or wrong doesn't matter anymore; what matters is sustaining relationships with the people in my life, whether family or friends.

I was going to say I haven't written people off since I've been grieving, but I realized just now that's not true. A 'friend' from high school recently contacted my brother and asked about me. My feelings were that the guy really was a jerk back then, and is probably a jerk now too, and I just didn't want to have contact with him again. I've grown a bit brusque with people, and that's a mild kind of cutting people off. Perhaps in our grief we learn to wall off other people to some degree; they don't pick up well on our emotional state, they can't support us as we need, and they can't see that we've lost interest being chummy or engaging in small talk. As for cutting people off in real anger and giving them a verbal drubbing, I haven't done much of that I can recall. Most of my anger gets vented upon clueless people, mostly strangers. In a Chinese restaurant last month I only had a hundred dollar bill to pay for lunch. When giving it to the waitress, she said: "You are a rich boy". That comment incensed me and within the hour I had written a scathing online review of their restaurant. Silly, I know. I should let a lot of things go, but some things get to me and I act them out.

It's hard for me to give advice, other than my forgiveness rant. It seems like your former friends were a bit juvenile in using you to to make contact with someone else, and in making cutting comments about smokers. Maybe grief has made us broader than the petty stuff that runs around in most people's heads? There is both maturity in the new 'us', but also a level of intolerance. I wish I didn't care about what others say and do, but occasionally l get bent out of shape by small stuff. My stepfather used to say: "Don't sweat the small stuff!" I understand that much better now, because the big things are plenty enough to worry about. Maybe we should just put up with the little crappy comments and inconsiderate behaviors? Otherwise the solution is to give these people partial or complete exit from our lives.

Anyway, I hope you find comfort in friends you have here. I know it's not the same as face to face relationships with 'real' people, but sometimes we 'virtual' people are a lot more caring and substantial.

Ron B.

[KJO]

Hello again,

I have found out I have been doing a mix and match of the same thing. When I wish to be with my friends, they are either too busy, or they will not respond to my calls. When they do call, I end up keeping the conversation short for some reason. My family members are going through their own quips as well that makes me want to keep away from them at times and they of me. I don't know. This is a new set of experiences for me. I have good days, and I have bad ones. I hardly sleep anymore. I think I am now on Australian time. I look for work, and found nothing so far which makes me wonder why I should even bother anymore. Looking for new homes for my pets is just another reminder that I have failed to provide them a good home. Soon, I must find myself another one. I have found myself rekindling regressive memories of silly things on YouTube like watching old t.v. shows, commercials, and listening to music I haven't heard in a long time-not related to my Mom. Tonight, I was able to sit down with one of my sisters and watch a movie together. She was nice enough to take me out to dinner, and a movie a few days before. I usually feel like staying in my room most of the day otherwise. I am thankful to have her in my life. I have found out also, that I have grown very intolerant to people who, as Ron B has put it, 'sweat the small stuff.' I actually get urged to be confrontational about it when I hear people whine about the petty inequities in their lives. I have become more selfish. I was talking to a friend of my nephew, who also lost a parent. I am ashamed to say, I didn't tell him that I was sorry for his loss after he took the time ask me how I am doing. I really do not like what I have become, and am so tired because of it. Yet, I do not sleep. Don't think you are antisocial. It is part of the process, I suppose.

[Lindakay]

When you've gone through the worst day of your life, everything else seems petty. I actually got my two closest ex sister in laws together down in Fla. They knew each other through me for over 34 years. One is alpha big sister type and the other my husband's little sister and is everyone's little sister type. They get together and go places. I have no fear of losing them as my friends. I'm just stuck up here for now. It would be rude to have someone contact you for other motives.

Try coordinating your workmen to finish at least one room at a time. I remodelled after he died. It clears your head to get rid of chaos and make changes. My friends came up separately and helped me make changes. I'm a non offended non smoker. Never gave my friends Hell for choosing to. One is hiding it from her hubby. I'd never tell. It only does one beneficial thing. It releases El Dopa?? the feel good hormone for a calming effect. So maybe you need it now with all your stress.

Create a new network and make friends. Start over and remember every now and then step out of yoiur life and look at it from a third person's perspective. It helps.LindaKay

[Lostdaughter]

Thank you all. Seeing the bereavement counselor was a good thing this morning - very nice person and I asked where my dad was. I was comforted in her response.

All heck broke loose with the manipulator friend last night. She continues to defend the new friend I met who hates smokers and I pointed this out to her - that I've known her for three years and that she would defend someone she met ONCE and not take issue with all the nasty things this other person has said. Her comeback was some creepy email about how she wishes me the best in life but that I am paranoid and bitter. Of course, she fails to acknowledge any of the truths I said. So I sent her back an email telling her to save the public-relations like response for someone who is stupid and told her I'm blocking her email address. It is so obvious that she just wants to get to know this other person and I am just super offended that she would side with someone she met one time. This woman has had three years to tell me that smoking was a problem and never jumped on the bandwagon until this other one made several nasty comments. Oh well, I do believe this friend of mine stole an expensive gold necklace from me a couple years back, but I'd overlooked it, due to other things she has done that were nice. So no big loss.

I can share that anger IS a part of what we deal with. We deal with a myriad of emotions. I guess we all know that it's only "safe" to talk about grief for so long as our friends just expect us to move on and get over it. I hope I never run into either of these women again as I don't need the nastiness.

And the worker guy who was to have shown up before 9 just showed up a few minutes ago. The stress of having someone work in my house with stuff everywhere and not knowing when this job will be done is getting to me too. It's uncomfortable for me to have to stay in two rooms only and I don't know what to do with myself when he's here.

[emptyinside]

LostDaughter, I relate to your post a lot. I find it difficult to handle myself emotionally, and on top of that I am disgusted at people's behavior and callousness. Can't really help, but I hope it helps a little to know people here understand.

[hello123]

So glad to see that i'm not abnormal, I'm also so shocked and angry at peoples' behaviour. They seem to be so self centred and maybe its cuz im only 21 everyone else my age is so shallow and NOT understanding, my friend the other day got annoyed at me for not being at her birthday party, which also happened with my supposed best friend just a few months after my dad suddenly passed away. It makes me SO mad and I don't feel like I should be the one to make an effort and say anything because people should understand that I'm not really in a mood to party. I don't know if its pushing people away by not talking to them but I feel like I try and try and they throw it back in my face so what's the point, everyone at the end of the day is so involved in themselves they can't think about other peoples feelings, I'd like to think if it was me I would be a bit more understanding than EVERYONE in my life has been but I suppose you never know unless you're in that situation.

[Lostdaughter]

Well, hello all again. I guess I'm not the only one to go through crazy feelings, although when I re-read this thread I thought...sheesh, why do I let myself get caught up in stupid small stuff (I'm referring to MY stupid stuff)? I guess maybe because it's easier than focusing on the big and painful stuff.

Went to the store today and it was all I could do to not break down. Dad's funeral was two months ago today. Of course, I faked a smile for the cashier who commented on my smile, but I was just dying inside.

I don't know if anyone can relate - but I just haven't made up my mind whether I want to keep on keeping on or give up. I know the answer is I have to keep on keeping on until my Mom passes on. So I've made an appt to see this psychiatrist on Wed to see if he can help. I need something beyond what I've had. I find the depression to be just debilitating at this point. I do only what is required and no more. I had to leave to get my blood pressure medication so that is why I left the house. I volunteer twice weekly and force myself to get up and take a shower on those days. That's it. Today I just broke down on the phone with my friend of 36 years who does not understand the depression. She did lose her mom five years ago so understands that, but since my dad lived longer my loss is less than hers (in her mind). I can't expect her or anyone else to understand depression beyond the grieving itself, so I don't expect that.

I really believe that while we never get over the loss, some of us CAN and DO move on. (It does help if one was mentally healthy before the loss.) I just don't know that I am going to be one of them. Thanks for letting me type this out.

[Lilac]

It's scary to read so many posts regarding how thoughtless people can be, it's hard to see this is somewhat "typical." My best friend is actually ignoring me right now because she disagrees w/how I handled certain situations w/my family.. aka.. judging.. don't exactly know how that is her business and how she feels she can get angry at me for not doing what she thinks i should.. even though my entire family came to agreement w/everthing and is perfectly fine w/how things went down.. (she thinks they're lying.. um ok??)

Only advice I can give you that I'm trying to do myself is to be your own best friend, and be there for yourself and not try to reach out to people who can hurt you..