The First Year Anniversary Coming Up...

[Daughter2010]

I have been going through the waves of grief. The first year of daddy's passing is coming up this Thursday. It is hard not to think about what was going on a year ago being in the hospital, and the doctors trying to do as much as possible so daddy could recover. It is a very sad time because I keep remembering all the nights my father spent in the hospital. Mom stayed by his side every single night. Daddy had been in the hospital since beginning of October last year. We didn't know that the cancer had spread to the abdomen. He didn't know. For all we knew, daddy had what a narrowing of the intestinal passage, and it was something treatable. My father was so brave through it all. What a lesson of courage to all of us. Can you imagine what is like to get the call saying your father has few days left? People who haven't lost a loved one have no idea what grief is like. We couldn't tell my father what the real situation was, but he somehow knew the moment was near. As soon as I got that call from mom, I arranged things to go travel to see him. I wanted to be by his side. My father is the world to me. In my mind I am still trying to understand the fact that my father is not in this world anymore, but more than a year ago he still was.

I know my father is not in pain anymore, and I am certain he is in a different place, much prettier and peaceful and loving than here. However, that doesn't take away the fact that his family, is still in this world and missing him very much. This afternoon when leaving work I thought...wow....the first year is coming up, and I am I won't get to see daddy until it is my turn to go...and I wont get to have a hug from him, listen to his words of advice, listen to him laugh. I know he would say, I am fine now, keep going , don't waste one second of life, be happy. He wants us to be happy. The Lord must need him up there. I am thankful I got the chance to be by his side during his last days on earth. He left this world with a smile, and I know he is okay. Still, I can't help but miss him and wish things were different. The feeling of impotence is huge.

None of my friends have lost a parent so of course when I bring up the subject of my father, they get quiet. They dont know what to say. At times I just want to say, say something....acknowledge my pain..but I know they can't relate. It bothers me because they dont quite understand I cant be as cheerful as before. I am not the same person as before. I do find joy in small things, but I just cant be expected to be the same person because I have changed.

What kind of support can I get from friends who have not experienced grief? We have distanced ourselves somehow.

I don't even know if the friendship will be the same. It doesn't matter now, my family is my main priority.

I haven't seen my father in dreams since the first couple of weeks after his passing. I remember one dream from 11 months ago. That's about it, or at least that I can remember. I know he is ok, and I just ask if I can see him in dreams ok, if it's not possible I understand too. I do know seeing him in a dream would give me some comfort as to knowing things are going to be ok. My brother has seen him in lots of his dreams. I know my father watches over us. I just would love to be able to see him in a dream, to hug him and have that reassurance that only daddies can give to their children that things will be ok. How much I miss my father...what am I going to do with all the hugs and all the stories I want to tell him? This is hard to process. One moment at a time I guess.

Thanks for listening, I needed to get this off my chest.

-L

[niamh]

hi Daughter2010,

I'm so sorry for this awful time coming around, mine feels only around the corner now and it's hard to imagine it's been so long yet so so short at the same time. Sometimes what scares me is know that up to that moment you can say "this time last year" ..........after that what happens, it's "this time 2 years ago"

.......that scares me a lot. I think we forever try to understand them not being here with us in this world, sometimes it makes no sense at all to me.

I'm sorry your friends go quiet when you bring up your Dad and I can so relate to you wanting to say "say something, acknowledge my pain" .....I've pulled back from those that don't because it hurts me too much, it makes me too uncomfortable to be in such a situation. I've had a couple of people mention wanting the "old me" back and saying when I do xxx then they will know the old me is back. Wow, I wanted to scream but I just politely nodded (one was my boss!!!) because people don't know this changes you forever. I do have a couple of very close friends that I have been completely and totally honest with throughout this, they haven't lost a parent or anyone close so while they cannot understand, they do actually hear me when I talk, they do respond .........I had told them early on the kinds of things that really hurt me, minimised my grief so as much as they sometimes what to say something they bite their tongues ........I think me being so honest with them has "helped" them in a tiny way to just be there for me and be able to acknowledge my hurt and we are able to have a 2 way conversation which means a lot to me, they don't feel awkward and I don't feel awkward and that makes such a big difference.

I too feel like you do about family...........my Mom is simply my entire life now, she comes first all the time no matter what. my Dad has been in my dreams the last week but they are not visits, they are just "normal" dreams and then I wake to the reality. I ask him every night to just visit me and I wish for that little comfort so so much.

I miss the hugs, I miss that secure reassurance you mention, nobody else in this world can provide it and it's so lonely without him here. I miss our little chats, so often I see something or something happens that I would tell him about, now it just stays inside because there's nobody else to have that chat with .........nobody will listen like he did. So often I hate the little changes that go on around the city, buildings changing, stores changing and I can't tell him about it and these new things are things he never saw, things he's not here for and I hate that change. It's like I want the world to stay the same, be as it was when he was here.

yep, one moment as a time as you say, it's all that gets me through this, not thinking ahead and simply getting through minute by minute many days.

Do you have anything planned for tomorrow ? I will be thinking of you tomorrow (not that it's different from any other day, I think of everyone I've met on here so much and how important everyone has become to me on this lonely journey)

sending you lots and lots of love and a big gently ((((HUG))))

Niamh

xo

[Butterfly9]

Dear Daughter2010,

Sending you a hug ((((((())))))), Reading your post made my cry. It is hard for me to think of the time my Dad was in the hospital. I try and push those terrible memories out of my mind because it is so painful. This Thursday will be 8 months since my Dad crossed over and yet it seems like yesterday. There are times when I say, "He was here this year". You're right, your Dad is healed, happy and in a better place. However, we truly miss their physical presence. We don't have that interaction with them that we had when they were here in the physical form like a hug, hearing their laugh, seeing their smile, having a conversation and getting advice and guidance. That has changed but for me I look for signs that my Dad is communicating with me. He also visits in dreams at times. My Dad visits in his own time. It can be a quick visit that doesn't have to have a special meaning but just a visit to say "Hi, I am still here and around you:". Things will never be the same. We are not the same person anymore. We have changed with our grief. True that people who have not experienced a loss cannot understand what we are going through. They think we should be over it by now and that we are not the happy person we once used to be. We do not really get over it but learn to live with it and adjust to our new life. It is a strange life when a special person from our life is no longer here in the physical form. My Dad means the world to me. Both of my parents mean the world to me.

Every night before you go to bed ask your Dad to come and visit you in a dream. Also, repeat 3 times, "I will remember my dreams". Sometimes we have dreams but we can't remember them. I always say, when I Dad comes and visits me in dreams he is creating new memories. Yes, I know it isn't the same like when he was here in the physical form but you know it is better than nothing. I am very happy when I get signs and dreams from my Dad. Sometimes it takes a long time until he visits me in a dream. Ask your Father if he can visit you in a dream because you need to get a hug from him. You can also tell him you are sending him a hug in Heaven. He will receive your hugs. Continue to tell him all the stories you want to tell him. He hears you clearly. I believe the more we communicate with our loved ones on the other side the more we will experience signs and dreams.

Yes, our Dads would say be happy and live life to the fullest. However, that is easier said than done. It is hard when they are not here physically.

You and your Family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending you hugs, love, comfort and strength.

Butterfly9

[jodo]

Dear Daughter2010,

Like Butterfly9 said , While reading your post tears were streaming down my face too. It was if I had written it (I could relate to EVERY single word). I lost my Dad last year on Dec. 30th. I am still having a VERY hard time dealing with it. I've tried counseling, and support groups, but nothing seems to be helping. This site is really the only thing that helps a little. Like you said- It's amazing how this changes who we are forever, I don't even recognize this person I've become, but it's my new reality and I guess I too will have to take it a day at a time ?

Do you live close to your family (Mom, brother, etc.) ? Yes, family is all that matters to me also now, I have seen my Mom almost everyday since my Dad died, and even though I enjoy that, it makes me sad that I didn't see my Dad more often when he was here (they practically live next door) Why didn't I make the time to do that ? It's all those regrets (and guilt) that drive me crazy.

Well, I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. Love, and Hugs to you, Jodi

[2sweetgirls]

Sending you many MANY hugs (((((((((((()))))))))))))). I am so sorry for how you feel and will be thinking of you tomorrow.

I feel the same way about the one year anniversary of my mom's death - which will be Nov. 30. I had been anticipating that day when the unthinkable hit - my dad took a turn for the worst and died on Oct. 4th. When mom died, it was EXTREMELY painful beyond words but, I tried to pour myself into dad and call him everyday. We would cry together, share stories of mom, laugh, etc. Now? I just feel numb in all senses of the word. Also, you almost feel like an orphan - alone like a child. It's weird. I feel distant from everyone at times and other times I just don't know how I can be "normal". I already know who will be able to listen to me and who will not and I just gave up on the ones who just don't understand. If I am not in the mood to talk to that person - I don't. If that is a problem for them - oh well.

I have pictures of my parents all over the house. Some recent ones on the fridge. Sometimes I smile when I see them to remember the times we had and other times I just sigh and shake my head in disbelief. Also, when mom died, that was all we had to deal with (as if that's not enough). Now, since they are both gone, we have the house, estate, financial affairs, etc. It's all too overwhelming!!!!! I would gladly give it all away to have my precious parents here again.

I'm sure your daddy, along with my mom and dad, are doing wonderfully now. No matter how I try to think of how they feel right now, I get overtaken by how I feel. I really can't even see any day that I will be "ok" ever again. I don't want to be negative but it's just reality.

I'm so sorry for your loss and send you many hugs today, tomorrow AND always.

2sweetgirls

[Lindakay]

It's possible. My dad came to me in a dream two months later. He said he wanted me to know it's not so bad and he was fine.

Br thankful he can visit in your dreams. I get visitation dreams. You always feel good after one. Sometimes sad but good too. LindaKay

[Daughter2010]

Wow...Thank you so much to all of you for your replies. Thank you because you do understand. We all are in this club we did not want to join, and each at our own pace are making our way through the rest of our lives.

Niamh,

I can't believe your boss suggested that to you. Mine just asks at times if there is anything he can do to help, I say no, because there is nothing that will change my situation, but at least he offers his help. As for friends, I lost contact with a long time friend of mine who lost his dad 6 years ago. I was introduced to him 6 months into his grief. A couple of months ago I wanted to ask him a question about his father and he said i couldn't ask him anything about that. I was a bit shocked because since he knows grief I thought he would understand. I was wrong, people can be very selfish.

Also, one of the things that made me cry at one time was this past soccer world cup. My dad was always so much into sports, and on its first day I cried and cried and cried because I knew Daddy couldn't be here for this event. It may sound silly but that triggered so many tears...

I don't have anything planned for tomorrow, I think I will just release a balloon to the sky for daddy, to let him know I will always be thinking of him. I will be traveling to spend the next few days with my family. This Sunday there will be a church ceremony in remembrance of him. When he was here, we spent quiet family time. We would go for dinner some place or simply visit a small town nearby or take a walk to appreciate nature. My father always enjoyed little things, for us spending time together was all that mattered.

A big hug for you too.

Butterfly,

I will remember that. I do send hugs to him in heaven with Jesus. He can give the message to him :-) I will tell him my stories too. Remembering my father brings a smile to my face. I think of the things he enjoyed, the jokes he would make, and I can see him in my mind. I remember when he taught me how to ride a bike, when he gave me a little umbrella when I was 4 yrs old, when we would take a walk an appreciate nature and many many many more things.

Sending a hug your way.

Jodo,

I don't live close to mom and brothers, but I call them everyday. That way we don't feel the distance and keep that sense of togetherness.I try to avoid the should haves, would haves as there is no point in beating myself over something we can't do much about, but I have told my father tons of times how much I love him and think of him. I know he gets that message somehow. I also tell my family how much I love them, I try to do that more often since we know tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Our loved ones need to know how important and how much they mean to us.

Thanks for the kind thoughts, sending a hug your way as well.

Sweetgirls,

I only have a few pics of dad around the house. I have many more in my camera and pc but can't bring myself to see them because I burst in tears. I still have a stuffed animal daddy gave me when I was little. Call me a baby but I still have it as it reminds me of him. As for being in this world without our parents I guess we have to learn to keep going and make a life for ourselves after they are gone. They are not physically here but they are somewhere else. I believe the legacy of our parents is in us so that we are able to carry on with life and use what they taught us to get through it every day, every moment.

We have to keep going for them. That is what I tell myself even when I am at my lowest. Hang in there, we will all get through this.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

Lindakay,

I will keep that in mind. My brother's dreams and the subtle signs we have experienced, bring some comfort. Thanks for sharing your experience.

I am grateful for all of you. One thing I have learned is to be more compassionate of others because we need to help one another. We are doing ourselves a favor by sharing with others,even sharing sad moments and stories because it remind us we are not alone in what we feel.

Thanks,

-L

[vcollick5879]

I'm sorry that that horrible one year mark is up for you. I'm just barely over a year, well I sort of stopped counting after a while because knowing the amount of time my mom has been gone is just too hard for me, but. I feel that as more time goes on, it's harder because now you are past your "year of firsts" and you "should" be done grieving, but that's not true. I still miss my mom just as much everyday. I feel that sadness of knowing that I won't be able to get that hug from mom or call her and ask her how she's doing, it crushes you. Just know that everything you are feeling, many people can relate, not necessarily completely, but in the same sense. My older sister always has dreams about my mom and I would always get jealous, wondering why I never got to dream of her. I think I had one dream but that was it. This grieving thing seems to be a never ending cycle, and unfortunately unless the people around you have really experienced some kind of grief, they are unable to relate and console you. Find ways to communicate so that you don't contain it all. Being new to this, I have found it to be somewhat comforting hearing that people feel almost the exact same as me. For my mom's one year, I decided to celebrate for her in a way, so I went to a restaurant that reminded me of her. Maybe that's not something you want to do, but find something that feels right to you to get through this day. One step at a time, that's all we can do.

Tori

[loulou]

Hi Daughter,I tried to post yesterday but my fiancee walked in the room,and to me this site,and what I write is personal and private.I'm sorry for today.My year mark is coming up Jan.1st and I cant believe it.I have been also saying,This time last year...alot.It's very sad to me that this much time has passed,because I'm still so upset and dont want this time to pass.I'm scared to even see snow,and people shoveling,because thats how he died.Friends going quite when you speak of him,ha!I know that all so well.Everyone I talk to goes quite when I bring him up,and it hurts so bad.Its kinda telling you not to speak of him,which hurts.I'm pregnant so I dream all the time,and he has been in alot of them,but to me it makes it harder to wake up.I wonder how you are getting through today...I wonder how I will get through the first of Jan.I always thought I would get really drunk,but since I will probably still be pregnant,that wont be a option.Maybe I will go into labor.Wouldnt that be odd.Anyway,I was thinking of you.Goodluck getting through the day.

[niamh]

hi Daughter2010,

People can really surprise you can't they, I'm sorry you friend was so closed off. I've found that those I thought would have a huge understanding, would listen, would understand because they've been through it are the ones that seem most closed off so I've pulled back from them for my own sanity. Then there are those I don't even expect to hear from send messages out of the blue with so much kindness and understanding, it's a funny old world really.

OH I hear you on the sports ......my Dad just loved watching soccer and some traditional Irish sports too. I cringe everytime there are ads on for major games..........so often he would ask me if I was going out so he could watch a match, sometimes I felt bad if I wasn't so he would just go and watch it on a small tv in his bedroom ........now I would give anything to hand the tv over to him. I often wonder if maybe he still watches all the matches, maybe he still enjoys them, maybe he sees more of them now than he ever did !

I find myself wondering quite a bit about these things, what he does now. My Dad was a huge John Denver fan, so sometimes when I hear his music I wonder if my Dad is actually with him now.

Have a safe trip to your family and I hope you will find some bit of comfort just being close with them.

hugs as always,

Niamh

[hello123]

Wow, reading this is so weird it's so comforting that people feel exactly the same way! Daughter2010 what you said about ur friend who also lost his dad, my ex boyfriend lost his dad years ago I thought he would be understanding but was very harsh and didn't wanna know I guess people can't deal with the pain again I dunno, and as for sports I know what you guys mean, it was the world cup and it was so difficult sitting watching tv without him, I don't understand why this happens to only selected people and what we did to deserve this, and I don't get why bad people get long and fulfilling lives where as we all have to suffer so much xx

[hello123]

Also about the having to be happy thing, it's so annoying how everyone expects you to be sociable how you used to be they won't understand that such a horrible thing has happened nothing feels right!!

[loulou]

ha,sports!My Dad was a sports fanatic.He actually passed away during a bowl game of his number 1 team of all times.He was supposed to stay home and watch the game instead of going shoveling.They were losing when he passed,but won after he passed.

[Jsph110]

I know my father is not in pain anymore, and I am certain he is in a different place, much prettier and peaceful and loving than here. However, that doesn't take away the fact that his family, is still in this world and missing him very much. This afternoon when leaving work I thought...wow....the first year is coming up, and I am I won't get to see daddy until it is my turn to go...and I wont get to have a hug from him, listen to his words of advice, listen to him laugh. I know he would say, I am fine now, keep going , don't waste one second of life, be happy. He wants us to be happy. The Lord must need him up there. I am thankful I got the chance to be by his side during his last days on earth...

many would have wished to have such an opportunity.

[Daughter2010]

Hello All,

Thank you for your replies, it a bit comforting to know I am not going through this alone. All of us in one way or another are comforting each other in our grief. My trip was good. We had a memorial service Sunday morning, it was good to see my uncles, aunts, cousins wanting to honor my father. I could see their love for their brother, my father's legacy stays with them too, and that's good to know.

I spent time with mom and my brothers. We didn't do anything extraordinary, but we spent time together, like we always did when Dad was in this world. I still found it a bit painful to watch photos of daddy in different family and work events because I could see how happy he was and just wished we could have him with us again. I guess, it wont be until I have accepted all that is going on, that I will be able to remember him without crying.

Mom, is doing ok. She misses him terribly. Dad was a very special husband with her. She is carrying on with day to day stuff, and she wants to make sure we all take care of what my father left us, his legacy and of the state. My father worked so hard through his life to make a better future for us and we need to make sure we do the same.

At times I felt lost and wanting my father's guiding hand so I could make sure I am doing the right thing. I know my father is not gone gone. He is in a different dimension, and watches over us. He left us plenty of examples to follow, and when I find myself in a particular situation I think of what he would have done, and it helps me deal with it a little better.

Did I cry? yes, I cried watching photos of him, I also cried when I was alone at the house looking at some of his clothes. The crying is not as intense as it was a year ago, but the pain of the loss is still there. I have to carry on and I know my father would want that for us.

That's all for now.

-L