Daughter2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 I have been going through the waves of grief. The first year of daddy's passing is coming up this Thursday. It is hard not to think about what was going on a year ago being in the hospital, and the doctors trying to do as much as possible so daddy could recover. It is a very sad time because I keep remembering all the nights my father spent in the hospital. Mom stayed by his side every single night. Daddy had been in the hospital since beginning of October last year. We didn't know that the cancer had spread to the abdomen. He didn't know. For all we knew, daddy had what a narrowing of the intestinal passage, and it was something treatable. My father was so brave through it all. What a lesson of courage to all of us. Can you imagine what is like to get the call saying your father has few days left? People who haven't lost a loved one have no idea what grief is like. We couldn't tell my father what the real situation was, but he somehow knew the moment was near. As soon as I got that call from mom, I arranged things to go travel to see him. I wanted to be by his side. My father is the world to me. In my mind I am still trying to understand the fact that my father is not in this world anymore, but more than a year ago he still was. I know my father is not in pain anymore, and I am certain he is in a different place, much prettier and peaceful and loving than here. However, that doesn't take away the fact that his family, is still in this world and missing him very much. This afternoon when leaving work I thought...wow....the first year is coming up, and I am I won't get to see daddy until it is my turn to go...and I wont get to have a hug from him, listen to his words of advice, listen to him laugh. I know he would say, I am fine now, keep going , don't waste one second of life, be happy. He wants us to be happy. The Lord must need him up there. I am thankful I got the chance to be by his side during his last days on earth. He left this world with a smile, and I know he is okay. Still, I can't help but miss him and wish things were different. The feeling of impotence is huge. None of my friends have lost a parent so of course when I bring up the subject of my father, they get quiet. They dont know what to say. At times I just want to say, say something....acknowledge my pain..but I know they can't relate. It bothers me because they dont quite understand I cant be as cheerful as before. I am not the same person as before. I do find joy in small things, but I just cant be expected to be the same person because I have changed. What kind of support can I get from friends who have not experienced grief? We have distanced ourselves somehow. I don't even know if the friendship will be the same. It doesn't matter now, my family is my main priority. I haven't seen my father in dreams since the first couple of weeks after his passing. I remember one dream from 11 months ago. That's about it, or at least that I can remember. I know he is ok, and I just ask if I can see him in dreams ok, if it's not possible I understand too. I do know seeing him in a dream would give me some comfort as to knowing things are going to be ok. My brother has seen him in lots of his dreams. I know my father watches over us. I just would love to be able to see him in a dream, to hug him and have that reassurance that only daddies can give to their children that things will be ok. How much I miss my father...what am I going to do with all the hugs and all the stories I want to tell him? This is hard to process. One moment at a time I guess. Thanks for listening, I needed to get this off my chest. -L Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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