wmjsca Posted October 27, 2010 Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 Well, the funeral is tomorrow (he died on 10/22/10). I want to view him tonight because I'm afraid to wait until tomorrow to see him laid out, the shell of what's left of my sweet love. I don't want to see him like that at all. I know it's necessary for closure. I know the beginning of my life without him won't start until this is over. I dread the celebration of life that will follow, because to everyone but me, their lives will go on after they leave and I'll be alone. I don't want to get into a rut feeling sorry for myself, but I know I'm going to be very sad for a very long time, if not forever. When I go to bed tomorrow night, I'll still be alone and everyone else's life will go back to normal. I have no idea what to do. I will return to school to finish the semester and raise my son and do all those things, but every facet of my life included my fiance and now everything seems so empty. I dread going tomorrow and having that casket closed and lowered into the ground. It must be so cold there and he was so warm and sweet. I still cannot believe he's gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted October 27, 2010 Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 Wmjsca, I do indeed feel your pain and as I type this I am praying God will surround you with his arms and comfort you in the days to come.... First you will never be alone from him only in the physical sense, he will indeed always be with you in your heart, mind, body and soul...Second I assure you he's not cold, heaven is a warm beautiful place he has left his body and feels nothing but contentment....Third your life is now a new journey and with faith and a positive outlook you will make the trip into this uncharted land, learning new things about yourself you never knew and you approach life as you never have before, but we all can do it, we are doing it every single day, one day at a time but we're doing it...while we didn't choose this journey we must find some comfort somewhere and we will, it just takes some time, take it easy and don't rush, eat and try and take care of yourself also rest and sleep when you can even just catnaps you can deal much better rested....I am no expert by no means just a fellow journey person on my road since Feb 14th 2010 Valentines Day my beautiful wife joined God and became my Angel.....what I tell you I have learned along the way..... God Bless NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perkins808 Posted October 27, 2010 Report Share Posted October 27, 2010 Wmjsca, One of the hardest things for me at the funeral home was the fact that Jeff just looked like he was sleeping. I kept looking over half expecting him to wake up....and it was so hard. When it was finally time to say goodbye, I sat by him alone for a long time - knowing that once I walked away, that was it. I still have no idea how I did it....I like to think that he was right by my side, giving me the strength to walk away. One of the amazing things that you will learn throughout this process - you are stronger than you think. Tomorrow will be a test of this for sure, but somehow you will find the strength to get through the day. A thought that came to me during the wake - how could I be surrounded by 400 people....and still feel so all alone?! And the answer was simple. The one person I shared the most with in this world was gone. I can no longer feel his strong arms around me, I can no longer hear his whispers in my ear or see his encouraging smile.....but somehow I still draw strength from him. I remember how we lived our life together....finding something to be thankful everyday, and I try to continue on that same path. It is not easy - but I know it is what I need to do and I know it is what he would want me to be doing. I wish peace for you tomorrow. Hugs, Tammy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted October 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 28, 2010 Thank you NATS and Tammy. I am so blessed to have found this site when I really needed it and when it seemed no one understood. Sure, family and friends feel the loss, but not the same way I do. There is such an emptiness and an ache deep in my soul that no matter how much I cry it's still there. I did go to view him tonight and he looks much different than he did in life. He seemed at peace, but moreso in the hospital after he took his last breath. The funeral process changed his looks a bit, as I knew it would. But I realize this ceremony must take place and there must be a burial. It's also a burial of our love. I do know he's with me, however and I can feel his presence. Especially when I cry...I can feel a peace it's hard to describe. And you're right, he's warm in the arms of Jesus in Heaven. I can take comfort in that. He was my heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abergsma Posted October 28, 2010 Report Share Posted October 28, 2010 wmjsca "A thought that came to me during the wake - how could I be surrounded by 400 people....and still feel so all alone?! And the answer was simple. The one person I shared the most with in this world was gone. I can no longer feel his strong arms around me, I can no longer hear his whispers in my ear or see his encouraging smile.....but somehow I still draw strength from him" I felt just like the above statement that Tammy made. It is not an easy road that we are taking. One day at a time. Each day will be different and you will be up and down like a roller coaster. It has been 6 wks for me and I still can't believe that I have lost my solemate. We had so many plans and he went just like that... Hopefully you will find support through this amazing group of people as I have. My prayers are with you now and tomorrow. Hugs Allana Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karebare725 Posted October 28, 2010 Report Share Posted October 28, 2010 It is a hard experience. We had a memorial for Shawn. I was told it was proper edicate to stand by the door and greet people coming in. I made it through like 5 people before I broke down. I then went and sat down for the rest of the ceremony. My thoughts will be with you. I know that when it was over, I was more at peace, but still severely grieving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 28, 2010 Report Share Posted October 28, 2010 I hope the viewing went okay for you, to me it's a very private time, but it's good to see he's not there, that's just the shell he used to use...his spirit still lives and one day you'll get to be together again. I'll be praying for you as you have the service today. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 1, 2010 Report Share Posted November 1, 2010 I, too, hope the viewing went okay. For me, the viewing was strange, as I had already been with Scott when he died; his body truly was just a shell and he wasn't there, if that makes sense; I honestly didn't feel as much emotion as I would have thought. I think that watching him die was the real moment. However, signing the papers at the funeral home was pure torture - it made his death cruel and absolute reality. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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