melina Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 It's three months since I lost my husband. For those of you who have moved beyond the three month mark - are you still crying? I cry every day, sometimes just a few tears, other times I sob sporadically throughout the day. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of waking up and feeling bad. I wish there was a "grief pill" I could take to make it go away. My husband's clothes and shoes are still in the closet and I should clear them out. But I know that will start a crying fit, and I try to avoid more tears whenever I can. My grief counselor says I should clear out the bedroom in order to get more sleep. I can't vacuum in there or dust because his things are in the room and bags of medications are on the floor. Can't bring myself to pick them up, because then I'd have to look at them, and I know I'd start crying. I still have a bag of his stuff from the hospital that I haven't opened. All those things I brought him and thought he'd bring home with him again. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostmyHoney Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 2.5 months for me and I feel I will never clear out my Honeys things in fact I have started to wear his pj bottoms, robe, sweat pants and t-shirts. I take comfort in this as I feel closer to him somehow. Im sorry that it is not the same for you! The very thought of removing any of his things is unbearable to me. I wish you peace Melina! Rachel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted November 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 I wear my husband's t-shirts to bed, but apart from a fleece vest, the rest of his clothes don't fit me. I've given my sons some of his clothes - a leather jacket, a wool sweater, some boots, some shirts and t-shirts. Only my youngest son refuses to wear any clothes. But he did take over my husband's camera. I also gave one of them his wallet, another his binoculars. Things that they can keep and remember their dad. His underwear and jeans that don't fit anyone I'll have to put away somewhere. I can't bring myself to throw them away. I have his baseball cap under my pillow. It still has his scent. I'll never toss that one out. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 Sorry Melina, I'm nowhere near the two or three month mark yet, so I guess I can't help much with the crying dilemma. I cry all the time. But posting helps somehow. I wear his sweaters. He had tons of shoes and I put them all in our closet. I will box up his clothes at some point for his sons who can both wear them. I gave his sons his dress hats (he always wore hats) but I kept the baseball caps. I plan on keeping his postal uniforms. I think his sister has his stuff from the hospital, although I got his wallet (I wanted to keep all his IDs), I don't even know why. I guess it makes me feel closer. I have many items that still have his scent since he lived here until four weeks ago. I dread the day the scent wanes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 Sorry Melina, I'm nowhere near the two or three month mark yet, so I guess I can't help much with the crying dilemma. I cry all the time. But posting helps somehow. I wear his sweaters. He had tons of shoes and I put them all in our closet. I will box up his clothes at some point for his sons who can both wear them. I gave his sons his dress hats (he always wore hats) but I kept the baseball caps. I plan on keeping his postal uniforms. I think his sister has his stuff from the hospital, although I got his wallet (I wanted to keep all his IDs), I don't even know why. I guess it makes me feel closer. I have many items that still have his scent since he lived here until four weeks ago. I dread the day the scent wanes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 I moved at 9 months or else I would never have touched my husband's things. All of his items were right were he left them including his shoes and jackets. Now, I have his things in the garage have not given anything away. I still have his coats in the closet and his cologne next to mine I smell it often as it reminds me of him. I cried and hated not having his things in the closet after the move. On his side of the bathroom is his stuff blow dryer and his shaver and such. These are things I can not touch. If I had not moved I would not have moved his clothes out of the closet. It was extremely painful I carry with me everyday his wallet in my purse. Not something I tell people they believe out of sight out of mind not the case! His clothes from the hospital are in my garage I pass them often just so sad. For a long time his clothes smelled especially the ones that he wore the day before that usually went to be dry cleaned. Still have yet to sleep on his side of the bed probably never will just too strange. It has been over 14 months for me and not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him tremendously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted November 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 Still have yet to sleep on his side of the bed probably never will just too strange. It has been over 14 months for me and not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him tremendously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 That is why I love this forum. Nothing is unusual or crazy. We do our own thing to get through the grief. Thanks to all of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 It's been 5 1/2 years and even though I remarried (two years but never lived together) I STILL have a hard time sleeping in bed...I sleep in my recliner, and I know several others who do so too. George's clothes are way too big for me but I have worn his robe when I felt a special need to be close to him...I still have it hanging up on my closet door. Your therapist is wrong to tell you to clear his things out. Yes get rid of the dust and vacuum, but you don't need to get rid of his things to "sleep better". That therapist doesn't know what she's talking about. Tell her to lose her husband and THEN give you advice. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't get worked up about it but people like that make me mad. I had a grief counselor that was about as worthless too, but I didn't let him bully me, I stood up to him. He could disagree all he wanted, but in the end, I was the one that knew deep inside what was right for me. (except for the remarriage part, that was a bad idea from the get go). Melina, it hasn't been that long. You can look around my bedroom and STILL find some of George's things...little reminders, the tray he used to throw his trinkets into...they are there with the picture of me he carried in his wallet, the pocketknife and pocketwatch I bought him, his silly little rag he used to clean his glasses with, I used to tease him about it, it had cowboys on it, like something a little boy would like...I can't bear to part with it now. Isn't it the funniest things we hang on to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 Melina - I totally agree with Kay about your therapist. It took me 9 months to even move Joe's sandals from the front door. You do these things when you're ready. I donated, gave away clothes, but it was in very slow increments, and only when I felt it was time - and even then, just a little bit at a time. I don't know, but I'm looking around my living room, and I see my grandmother's sewing machine and silver thimble, my dad's planer (using it as a work of art), I wear my mom's ring...you see where I'm going with this? These things represent my family, so why the hell should I get rid of them? And why get rid of all our husband's possessions? Three months is so very raw - please don't feel that you have to DO anything save what you feel is right in your heart. Hugs, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindakay Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 Melina It helps to change your rooms one at a time and make them absolutely you. It calms the mind. Even if when you clear and paint and change decor and such you may be crying. Anxiety attacks can happen when you picture them in "that" setting. A different look will help you move forward. I did the computer room first. It was all music albums and cds and reminded me too much. It's now a spare room with a pullout mini loveseat and library shelves full of books. It's a library with a purpose. Company can come. I love books. Got five full shelves. It was really hard dragging them up empty one step at a time alone.lol I did it after painting one wall at a time and putting shelves on the walls. Taking 1000 albums and shelves down to the basement room was hard too. It's set up like a nice music/living area with a futon now. Every change I'd make I'd say moving forward. Calmed me.LindaKay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindakay Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 2.5 months for me and I feel I will never clear out my Honeys things in fact I have started to wear his pj bottoms, robe, sweat pants and t-shirts. I take comfort in this as I feel closer to him somehow. Im sorry that it is not the same for you! The very thought of removing any of his things is unbearable to me. I wish you peace Melina! Rachel I have a few I wear too.LindaKay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindakay Posted November 13, 2010 Report Share Posted November 13, 2010 I moved to my husband's side of the bed right away, because I couldn't bear looking over and not seeing him there. Sleeping on his side makes me somehow feel closer to him - lying where he used lie. I know I'll always miss him, but I hope that I'm able to move on and feel "sort of normal" after a year has gone by. We'll see, I guess. Melina Me too. I sleep on his side. Makes me feel closer to him too. LindaKay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest NancyL Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 I quickly changed the sheets on the bed to pink flowered ones, new ones, so it would change the bed. I also moved Dons wheelchairs to the spare room so I wouldn't see them in the night. It helps me to remove everyday things so that I don't constantly see them. I've still left Don's clothes in the closet, but am thinking about moving them also. I immediately got rid of his medicines because (again) they just reminded me of the bad part of our lives (the sickness). I think it's whatever makes you comfortable. For me, it was more sad to see the house as if Don had never left it, then to put his things away. But I understand others that say they don't want to lose the feelings yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted November 14, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 Nancy, I realized you were right about the medications. They were not a part of the normal, happy life we had. They a part of the unwanted and horrible period of our lives. So I went up and stuffed them all into a plastic bag (a huge bag) and I'll deliver them to the pharmacy at the hospital tomorrow when I go in for grief counseling. It was good to get them out of the bedroom and it will be good to not be reminded of the cancer. As for his clothes, they're still in the closet. I haven't gotten far yet. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abergsma Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 Melina It is definitely different for all of us but I agree with NancyL. I felt the same regarding reminders. I took Cecil's meds to the pharmacy and donated clothes that he did not wear. I still have the ones he wore in his closet. I gave away some of his personal things to the kids. He had so many tools that I know I would never need so gave them to his son. It is very hard for all of us whichever path we need to take. It is 8 wks for me and I still cry just like you. Some days a little and others alot. No rhyme or reason which day or what will trigger it. Take care Allana Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimcl Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 I'm already worried about Glenn's tools and it's been less than two weeks for me. Glenn was always happiest when working with his hands and he has more tools than Home Depot! My brother will get a handful of the power tools but Glenn's sons would only sell them for what they could get (which wouldn't be much) and I don't have a clue what to do with the hundreds of hand tools. Some of them are as old as I am, so giving them to a school or selling them at a garage sale isn't the answer. You can't recycle tools or put them in the landfill. Anyone know what to do with old tools? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostmyHoney Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 You could always try your hand at some new hobbies, you may surprise yourself! Rachel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimcl Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 I really wasn't kidding about the Home Depot thing, Rachel. I'd have to take up building houses to use all these tools. Di Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb625 Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 Nancy, I realized you were right about the medications. They were not a part of the normal, happy life we had. They a part of the unwanted and horrible period of our lives. So I went up and stuffed them all into a plastic bag (a huge bag) and I'll deliver them to the pharmacy at the hospital tomorrow when I go in for grief counseling. It was good to get them out of the bedroom and it will be good to not be reminded of the cancer. As for his clothes, they're still in the closet. I haven't gotten far yet. Melina Hi Melina, It will be 6 months for me on Tuesday and I wake up sobbing, go to sleep sobbing and, cry throughout the day. Not quite as long or hard as when I first started this journey, but it sure hasn't stopped. I am still amazed at how much one can cry and still amazed at how "normal" it has become to cry - I was always considered "strong" and rarely cried. Now I cry so often I don't even apologise when I'm talking to friends - and I think everyone around me is now just used to it... (at least I don't make themcry with me anymore). When I was able to get through Michael's things, the best advice I had was take everything in "baby steps" and try to tackle one "small" thing a day and to tackle the one small task in the morning... any attempts for me later in the day would have me dibilitated as the weariness and exhaustion of greiving would have set in - which I still carry in my heart and soul each day... Six months in, I am better, (it took me well over 3 months to be able to work a full day and at least I can do that now) but it sure still hurts my heart, I miss Michael every hour of every day, and I honestly don't think I even think it is all even real yet... & Yes, I keep his t-shirt on my head board, his scent is very faint now, but is still there - I would be afraid to lose his scent if I wore it - it is all I have now... Take care, Deb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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