What About Holidays?

[wmjsca]

How do you get through the holidays? I need help with this one, it's been less than a month for me, but will have been a month by Thanksgiving...

[Cheryl]

Plan ahead as much as possible so you are not overwhelmed. Decide what you are capable of doing if anything at all. Be prepared and open for possible changes to the day. The anticipation of each holiday ended up being worse that the actual events. The first year I needed to try and keep traditions in place. It felt like if we didn't carry out traditions another part of our life died also. Later I knew that some traditions were comforting and others needed to be changed. Each holiday we made a point of including Mark in some way. A picture on a table, a candle lit in his honor, a special prayer, a favorite food.

On Thanksgiving last year we took a large piece of butcher paper and wrote his name in the middle. All the kids and adults took markers and drew pictures or wrote words describing him. I'm especially glad that hs parents joined in. They rarely shared their pain with me and seeing the love poor out on the paper was so comforting. We hung it on the wall by the dining room table. It helped to acknowledge how much he was missed, plus it gave the kids a way to express themselves also.

The most important thing is to not be afraid to feel the loss on those important days. Face the pain and if you can let others help you through the hard day you might feel less alone.

[MartyT]

Cheryl, using the butcher paper is an absolutely lovely idea, and it's a very clever way to include family members of all ages. I love it! Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

wmjsca, you may find this thread helpful (and be sure to follow some of the links you'll find embedded in the posts): How Do I Get Through Birthdays, Xmas, New Years, Valentines Etc?

[kayc]

I hung his stocking anyway and we wrote messages to him and put them in his stocking. I also bought him a new ornament, like always.

[Lindakay]

How do you get through the holidays? I need help with this one, it's been less than a month for me, but will have been a month by Thanksgiving...

I had a wonderful sister in law that loved her brother. She came up for three weeks. She and I are Xmas babies. Her birthday on the 23rd and mine the 27th, We changed the holiday and decorated my whole house. I put up seven trees of different sizes, Outside decor and everything. It was great. Scott hated the holidays but would begrudging do it for me. This was less stressful for me. He was depressed for 8 years. So I loved him but it ruined my joy of the season. Next year my best friend came up for a week. We did 27th and past New Years together. This year I'm on my own. The house will be decorated and individual friends will come to dinner. Couples I know or girlfriends and their mom.. whatever. It's a more cheerful season even if underneath I miss him more than anything in my life.Change the routine because inevitably everything has changed anyways.LindaKay

[Queeniemary]

Holidays were not a big deal for Michael, with the exception of Halloween, which he loved. I made it through Halloween. I got rid of the big Christmas tree, gave it to "Share and Care" a local facility which donates to less fortunate families. I plan to get a small table tree, that I can handle on my own. My daughter is having the Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners at her house. I will fix and take things. I will miss him a lot over the holidays, but since he was not too big on either, it will not be the hard thing that it will be for some others. I do dread New Years Eve, as we always got together with our group of best friends from our theater group. We are planning something a little different. Both Mike and my friend Dana's husband Morris were good cooks. Dana and I both have seafood gumbo in our freezers from the last gumbos that each of our husbands made. We plan to combine those gumbos on New Years Eve, and have that as our main entree, along with other food. Mike and Morris would be happy to have their gumbos combined and served to their friends. We feel Mike and Morris will be with us on that night, but for Dana and I it will be an emotional night. We are so fortunate to have so many good friends, who loved our spouses also. They will see us through it.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[abergsma]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and ideas, they will help with the upcoming holiday season.

Allana

[wmjsca]

Well group,

The jury's still out on this one. His death is just so recent and I'm still reeling a bit. The world just keeps on turning and people are going about their everyday lives and I'm still stuck on October 22, the day he died. I just keep asking myself why?

We didn't do a lot on holidays unless it involved joining his family for dinner and I doubt that will be the case since it appears they are all still feuding. I don't think I'm a part of them anymore, anyway. Not without Clint. He was the connection and he's gone. My family is so dysfunctional that my brothers, once very close to me, are estranged for some reason...I've never really figured out what the deal is...but it had something to do with my being with Clint. As long as I was alone, we were close, once I met someone and had a life, they distanced themselves--go figure. My father is deceased and his wife and her family have always been strangers, along with a physically abusive history, so that's out. They did invite me for dinner, I suppose they felt sorry for the little grief stricken 'step-child'...I just can't even deal with that along with this right now. My natural mother abandoned me when I was four, but we've been in touch off and on over the last twenty five years or so, but she's suffering from dementia now and I was only her 'next favorite' child to her oldest son. That wouldn't be very festive at this point, besides she's in CA and I'm in OH.

So, I suppose it's just me. I do have friends, we're not exceptionally close, though. I am having trouble dealing with happy couples and I don't know if that will get any better by the holidays. I can't even believe I'll ever really enjoy anything ever again.

I will probably cook a small meal. My son will probably be with his father and their side of the family. I guess I could always go over there, maybe. I just don't feel very festive and don't want to put a damper on everyone else's 'joyous' mood.

It would be nice to feel better again.

[Dimcl]

Because my parents disowned me when I got together with Glenn wayyyyy back in 1977, and his kids were scattered across the country, we always just celebrated Christmas alone. I always set up the linen tablecloth, candles, crystal, cooked a bird (Glenn always loved my stuffing), did all the trimmings. This year I won't be sending out cards, hope I don't receive many and can't imagine putting up a tree or cooking at all, for that matter. I don't know how I'll spend the day, but I'm not looking forward to it, I can tell you. Tea and toast, anyone?

[abergsma]

Dimcl, My thoughts are with you...