I Can't And Won't Say Goodbye To Him.

[Suzanne R.]

I recently realized what my problem is. Even though I have had ups and downs, taken a step forward and two steps back. I know I'm doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. When I go out with family/friends I come back feeling good but I can't depend on anyone to fill Danny's place in my heart 24/7 for the rest of my life. Since my husband passed away last January there are times when I feel I haven't moved, and I can't move and I don't want to move on, not without Danny. I had great hope for a while when I felt better. Not only do I absolutely refuse to say good bye to my husband at the same time I simply cannot do it. Just the thought of saying goodbye to him is causing me physical and emotional turmoil. I just can't say goodbye to Danny. I have been saying all along I don't want him to be a memory, I want him here, with me, now. I am physically unable to move forward. On January 22, 2010 when he passed away, my life stopped, and my spirit died with him. Everyone is different, and I know everyone has their own way of doing things and can get on with their life, find joy, whatever, which is good. But for me it's just way too difficult to let him go. We were together for 39 years, the last three years were a constant ongoing race for him to get better, and now I find myself where I didn't plan on being, suddenly without him, and it's just too hard. All the running around to stay alive and now, it seems like all the praying, the hospital stays, getting his medicine, giving him medicine, getting groceries so that he'd gain weight, and it feels like everything he went through, his pain, his struggle, and for what, what a waste of time, going through all this pain. I think sometimes, what the hell was that all about. Now, I'm left alone with my wedding rings, what are they to me now, with him not here, and it all seems so pointless. I say every day to myself, 'I still can't believe he's gone.' I don't understand how my thoughts will change. I know we shouldn't say "never" and "always" but I honestly believe I will always think these thoughts until God takes me Home. And even if the worst thing happened and I lived and loved life and kept his memory with me, I don't want to have that kind of life, to be happy without Danny with me. I have been crying a lot lately and didn't want to depress anyone but I just needed to vent. Sorry to be "debbie downer."

God bless and hugs to you all,

Suzanne

[LarrysGirl]

I can't and won't either Suzanne, so I'm with you on that. Tomorrow (can't believe I'm typing this) is my FIVE year anniversary and you would think I would have figured out some of this, but I haven't but don't follow in my footsteps, I'm not a great example of how to survive grief. Deborah

[kayc]

Well I have tried my best but I haven't really found much to move on TO. I have my dog and he gives me great pleasure but nothing has been the same since George died and I kind of think that's just how it's going to be. It's not that I don't want to be happy, it's more like I'm just not sure how. In a way I'm happy, but not completely. I've lived on my own for 5 1/2 years now but my son used to pop in and out once in a while and now he's two hours away...I feel pretty much alone. If it wasn't for this constant aloneness and struggle and realizing it may never be any better than this...how do you really find purpose and joy in life? I guess the holidays are hitting me...

[Dimcl]

Suzanne, tomorrow will be 2 weeks for me, so I'm afraid that I can't relate very much, but I wonder if I could ask a couple of questions. Is this what Danny would have wanted for you? And why do you have to say goodbye to Danny to move on in your life? I think of other friends and family that I've lost and, in my heart and mind, I've never said goodbye to them. I know that I'm only on the beginning of this path, but what you've said kind of frightens me. I'm not saying this very well, but I have absolutely no intention of EVER saying goodbye to Glenn. We were together for 33 years and he will always be with me, no matter what. Of that, I have no doubt. I also have no doubt that my life will go on whether I like it or not.

We had no children, we have no family here, I'm all alone with my wedding rings, too. I do know, though, that Glenn would have expected me to move on, on whatever path I chose. He would never want me to shut the door on my future and refuse to progress. Glenn was too much of a problem solver and "doer" to think that way.

In your case, it sounds like a definite decision that you've made. If that is what you want from life, then I wish you peace. I just hope that you and KayC and LarrysGirl aren't typical. I have no idea what this journey will be like and the idea that my life ends because Glenn's did scares me a lot.

[wmjsca]

I've read that saying 'goodbye' to your deceased mate is not meant to forget they existed, but rather to release your attachment in life, realizing that the memory will always be there. This is important to move on for those who engage in future relationships. There will be those who will marry again and if this is so, there would have to be a 'parting' to those we'll no longer see or share this life with. While I can't consider anything like that at this point in my grieving process, I believe our departed wish the best for us and would want us to be happy. If that is to include remarriage, there would have to be a clear parting of the previous bond for life with a new person to be successful. This is not going to happen for everyone, but I would hope that after this horrible experience and loss of a person I loved so much that my life would not end as a result. That, too, would be tragic.

[Lindakay]

Well I have tried my best but I haven't really found much to move on TO. I have my dog and he gives me great pleasure but nothing has been the same since George died and I kind of think that's just how it's going to be. It's not that I don't want to be happy, it's more like I'm just not sure how. In a way I'm happy, but not completely. I've lived on my own for 5 1/2 years now but my son used to pop in and out once in a while and now he's two hours away...I feel pretty much alone. If it wasn't for this constant aloneness and struggle and realizing it may never be any better than this...how do you really find purpose and joy in life? I guess the holidays are hitting me...

Kay I understand. I work, come home, do the motions, find a little joy with my dogs but it isn't the same. He used to be at the door with the dogs with a little smile for me. I was the high point of someone's life for 33 years. Now it's what high point, does it matter anymore? Almost three now for me. I had six months of thinking I might date again. Talked myself out of both of the guys I was talking to. Then a year of not even thinking about it.I have tripled the holiday decorations I put out. He wouldn't have liked it since he would have had to help. He was too depressed at the holidays. No parents and getting older in his mind. He used to like them when both our parents were alive. I blinged the master bedroom out since he died. It has a big fireplace and I enhanced it. Put fall coppery colors up there, I have a chandeliere instead of the ceiling fan. All crystals. Made it my room. Just put up a tree up there with all shades of copper ornaments. Then I have his pixs around??? I moved all family pixs upstairs. Don't want to make company uncomfortable.

Have family and friend pixs in the guest room. They stay there and see I remember them.Hang in there. LindaKay

[Butterfly9]

Hi Suzanne R,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your precious husband, Danny. I posted this on the Loss of a Parent/Grandparent Forum. It might bring you some comfort. We do not have to say goodbye to our loved ones who have passed. Not sure if you believe in the afterlife but I truly do.

I just wanted to share this with you. I have been really feeling down and missing my Dad terribly. Patrick Mathew's book, Never Say Goodbye has lifted me up and given me some hope. I did have a reading with Patrick a couple of years ago after my friend passed away from cancer. It brought me such comfort.

It is an excellent book. It tells you how you too can connect with your loved ones in the afterlife. You CAN continue to have a loving relationship with your loved ones on the other side. He explains the signs and has simple exercises for you to do to connect with your loved ones in Spirit. I highly recommend this book. I keep on re-reading certain parts that bring me comfort.

The Section about questions most asked is great. I love his answers to the questions.

Back of book.

Your Loved Ones Are Still With You.

"The end of physical life does not have to mean the end of a day-to-day relationship with the people we love. Renowned medium Patrick Mathews reveals that we don't have to let go of family and friends on the other side - in fact, they benefit as much from ongoing communication as we do.

Along with a treasury of heartwarming, compelling, and sometimes humorous true stories from his work as a medium, Mathews provides answers to the questions he is most often asked about life in Heaven. Never Say Goodbye will help you learn how to recognize spirit communication and establish an ongoing relationship with those in spirit through simple meditations and other practices".

An Interview with Patrick Mathews

http://www.llewellyn...interview_id=43

Never Say Goodbye to your Loved Ones in Spirit by Patrick Mathews.

http://www.llewellyn...nal/article/487

Patrick Mathews' Website

http://www.patrickmathews.com/

I hope this book also brings you some comfort and hope.

Sending you all hugs, love, comfort and strength.

Butterfly9