Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

What Is It About This Process That Leads To The Ending Of Things?


Recommended Posts

Feeling horrible today. Forced myself to go to a breakfast meetup with nice people I'd never met, all went well, I stopped off at a couple of thrift stores on the way home, and then just cried all the way home. It wasn't anything anyone said or did, except maybe my friend asking me when I was going to quit "whining" about my dad the other day. He calls me to tell me he didn't mean the horrible things he said as he was under the influence when he said them, then tells me he is not at that point, then asks me how much longer I plan to whine over things. First, if he had ever said a proper I'm sorry or asked about my Mom or the funeral or sent a card all of this would be a non-issue. My GF of 35 years also said some horrible things to me yet she DID come to the funeral and I never bring up my Dad to her. In fact, I never really talk about it at all.

I read Grace's post in my other thread where her friend dissed her on Thanksgiving and that Grace said she was done with her. I am sorry that happened Grace and agree it's time to be done. But then I reflected on all the problems I've had with people and how things have ended with so many people since Dad went into hospice and it just makes me wonder. Is it me? Is it them? Is it both? Why when we need people to be the most compassionate and helpful to they turn out to be the biggest disappointments who just end up making us feel worse?

I have an acquaintance who called me a couple of days ago. She wanted me to call her back. Truth is, I didn't feel like talking on the phone with her for many reasons (guess I've been withdrawing in general) so I dropped her an email asking her to do me the favor and drop me a note as to how her trip was to see her son, her job situation, her husband, etc. I explained I didn't feel like talking to anyone on the phone and that I'm dealing with some tough situations on my end but that I'd love to hear about her life. Do you think she emailed me back? Nope.

Anyway, this is a post asking these questions and a post just venting too. What are others experiences and how do you cope? Me? I am going to go take a nap and try to sleep now.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lostdaughter, thanks for your acknowledgement of my post about dissing ex-friend.

I am beginning to think that many people just do not have the ability to know what to do and/or how to talk to someone who has lost someone. The one person who talks with me most readily is more a coworker, not a close friend. Yes she, like me, is a trained social worker who has learned many skills in order to work with people in difficult situations in a healthy way. She has experienced a loss recently too, and is not afraid of this. Really, the phone does not ring much these days, part my fault as I am too busy with work and school, but I think it is their fear. No, this does not excuse bad behavior, but maybe it can put things into perspective that it is more about them than you. My only suggestion is to choose carefully who you want to talk to about this, otherwise just teel people you are doing OK and leave it at that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, bless your heart. I am thinking you give more credit to these people than I do. There is a side to people we often don't know, until we lose someone then we see it.

And for reasons I won't get into here, things have changed with people and this country. Once in a while I am surprised when someone does a really kind thing for someone, but my expectation is that unless I have the money to pay someone, to expect nothing at all. Of course, forums like this and people like you are the exception, but I belong to other forums and you would not believe what I come across.

I am starting to think most people are basically just self-centered and self-absorbed who have no interest or feigned interest or interest "as long as it's not too hard" in their fellow compadres.

It is so sad what happened with your "friend" and I imagine that made your Thanksgiving not a good day at all. I can tell you my "friend's" cold and cruel comments sure did not make my day a good one. And it is different when one has invested years in knowing someone - in your case 20 and in my case 10.

I really do not bring up this topic out there in the real world and even less so now. At first I thought people would actually HELP me deal with this, but now I am realizing they often make it harder. So I am just keeping to myself and talking about the weather to others and that is pretty much it. Yeah, it's safe to process these feelings here and, like you, I see a counselor to discuss these things and others.

Oh, and to add, I don't even talk to my mother or anyone in my family about my dad. It's a lonely place to be. In fact, half the time she sounds irritated when I call her, so I am even shutting more down. Oh well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


What is most helpful to me is taking care of myself, choosing what I talk about and with whom, staying busy with school, homework, and work (no problem there, I really am still on overload, but it is time limited), making time to play musical instruments and play in ensembles, saying 'no' the certain people and requests to be involved in their activities, exercise (I try), eat (not usually that hungry), and prayer. I am also going to a grief group at my church next week and making plans to deal with Christmas.

I just do not worry about "them." They have their stuff, and if they were healthy human being they would be sensitive to your loss. The comments you received are really really rude. We are not running a marathon to "get over" anything. The goal is not to get over anything anyway. .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Lostdaughter,

I can understand the pain and anger you have been feeling. I at some point felt a bit angry at others for not understanding my grief. I lost my father a year ago or so, and truth is...no one teaches the world what grief is really like. Being that the case, we can't expect everyone to understand the depth of what we go through. It took me a while to realize this, and I also understood that losing a loved one is something people cannot possibly begin to understand until they go through it themselves.

Are others to blame? Not really...unfortunately it is just the way things are. I too lost a friend whom I thought I would get support from, in these tough times. He too lost his father about 6 years ago or so. I thought he would relate or understand. He was so closed off that I almost felt like I really didn't know this person. I spoke my mind to him telling him how surprised I was to find he was non-supportive. In the end I wasn't all that angry, but rather shocked that some people who have lost loved ones cannot be empathetic toward others in the same situation. Later I figured his pain maybe too deep or not dealt with properly so he just couldn't share what he felt. If he had these issues or not, it no longer concerns me. We lost touch and well, in the end I concluded that grief and living a loss shakes the very core of your being. I am very thankful I found this forum and can express what I feel and how I feel it. Living a loss gives you a different perspective on things. How you view life, what really counts and what is really important.

I also understood I may be grieving the loss of my father for the rest of my life, as this is not a race to get over it but rather learn to live with it as Grace10 said.

It is also true that during a time like this you really get to know people for how they are. Some of them are just unable to help us with it, others try their best but it is not of much comfort, and others are willing to listen to us without any judgment. Living one day at a time, one moment at a time is all we can do to cope with our situation.

A big hug for you, focus on yourself. Don't worry about others. Try to take it one step at a time, and this road will get a little easier.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just wanted to let you all know that I have experienced loss of a very good friend (or I thought so) for 22 years when my mom died a year ago today. She didn't call me in the weeks following only emails and text messages which I did not reply to. I thought that I was worth a phone call after all those years. It finally ended in an ugly way.

I think it's interesting how different people handle a person who has lost someone special. I went through dark days after mom passed and many MANY emotions - from one end to the other. I observed a lot and just came to the conclusion that people don't know what to say or what to do. Not many, if any, know how to handle it. I am lucky that I have one really good compassionate friend and a wonderful husband. He even stayed home today to be with me for the one year anniversary. When dad died two months ago, it was just an instant replay of the same people saying and doing the same things. You just learn who you can be real with and who you need to just talk about unimportant things with. I think it's sad because these people think you're "ok" because you can't show your true feelings.

I am sorry that you have all experienced this also. As if it's not hard enough to go through this grief.....

I'm sending cyber hugs to all of you.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 5 months later...

i cannot believe how insensitive people can be.. even if they don't understand how difficult it is for the grieving person, can't they just BE there for them, no fancy words of wisdom, just literally be there.. I don't understand.. its really not about THEM, so I just don't see why the people who are grieving have to grieve in silence, so others do not feel uncomfortable, etc. aren't we going through enough already, yet we also have to watch our words, not make people feel uncomfortable AND test all our friendships and deal w/the ones that aren't as real as you thought they were? unbelievable. My own friend of 13 years actually has been ignoring me and just recently wrote to me to judge me on how i handled things w/my family even though my family and I are fine and were fine w/what we decided to do as a family.. is that really necessary? really, how hard is it to be there for someone.. u dont have to think of the right things to say or anything, just be there..listen.. u can do that. help. u can do that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Lilac

I am wondering the same thing and the only conclusion I can come to is that some people don't know how to comfort. My sister passed away in another country last month and although I am back at work and back to my normal routine, I still get really depressed when I am alone. She died after fighting cancer for two years, and in the last week of her life I cried a lot and my boyfriend was there for me (kind of -- he works very late). Three weeks after she died I was still crying sporadically. One day, when it hit me again that I would never see her again I had a little breakdown where I was crying and trembling and my bf who up to that point was somehwat comforting dragged me out of bed and told me firmly that I needed to 'get out of this mode' and 'cheer up'. He then said when he got back from work he would be there to hug and kiss me, and then he left. We had a massive argument the next day and we didn't speak for 5 days (we live together) and I am still feeling really hurt and angry at his approach. I tried to explain to him that all I need is a little understanding and 'no judgment' but he didn't try to understand. This is a man that I am deeply in love with. My supposed 'best friend' has also all but ignored me in all this. After my sister died, I called her, and then she didn't follow up with a call until 3 weeks later when she asked if I wanted to come to a 'girls' weekend out' - when I told her that was the weekend when my sister will be buried she didn't even express an interest in attending the funeral. In addition, no one in that particular circle has even called me. It seems that most of the people who have been the most supportive are friends from my childhood (who I kept in touch with), colleagues and acquaintances. I don't know what to do actually. I feel alienated from my boyfriend and my friend.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...