I Am So Angry

[wmjsca]

I realize you're not supposed to isolate yourself from the outside world, but how do you deal with all these happy people with normal lives that you come into contact with? It just angers me that I am alone, for no apparent reason, and people are going about their happy lives...it's not fair. I go to the store and couples are there, at the library, at the service station....anywhere and it's like nothing even happened...as though October 22, 2010 never occurred. Why am I alone? Why do I have to hurt like this? Why can't I drive places we used to go together without crying? Life is just so unfair. And, here again, another dusk....alone, with the long night ahead....alone again. Just another of many nights to come. Happy people with happy spouses...still enjoying leftover desserts from Thanksgiving and planning on decorating their Christmas trees...My life is over...don't they know....why doesn't anyone care.....I know you're not supposed to have pity parties...but how long can you go on as though this isn't bothering you?

[Billw]

wmjsca,

I really feel your pain tonight and I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now.I have had the same feelings of anger, disappointment, and self pity. I still have those same feelings now from time to time. This is a particularly hard time of year. My wife has been gone for 7 months now and I am still devastated by that. I have to remember though that we were also a happy couple enjoying life, oblivious to all the people suffering from the same loss we suffer now. I never even could have imagined the horrible feelings of anger and grief that others experience after losing their spouse.

Life is not over but starting a new chapter. I am not looking forward to living alone but I don't have a hell of a lot of choice at this time. My wife asked me specifically not to isolate if something happened and she didn't make it. She told me I was to go on and finish what we started. As hard as it is some days, there is no higher honor I can pay her but to do just that. Not a day goes by that I wouldn't give everything I own for just one more minute with her but I know that is not realistic. We will meet again some day but for now I have to finish my time on earth.

I pray for relief for all of us and I have to hold onto the great memories and be grateful for the time that I had with my wife even though too short, it was a great part of my life that I will never forget. I hope you are feeling better soon and please know that you are not alone and we do understand. I don't know how long I will feel like this, I do know that when I can find even a moment of gratitude in my heart for my time with her, it eases the pain just a little. God bless and hang in there....BW

[sunstreet]

I hear your anger and pain and you have every right to feel this way. I have been right where you are now in your journey, I understand. I hope it helps even if only just a smidgeon to know that I am no longer at the place where you are now. I believe you will move thorugh this part of the journey too. No, I agree it is not fair! I think we all need to go through this stage of the journey so we can get through it and healing continues to happen. Something I tell myself which helps me is to be grateful that I "can feel" for I believe the first 3 years of this journey I felt nothing and I don't believe healing can happen if we are unable to feel. I know, I understand, it is like you want to scream at the world...hello...I am hurting here!.....does anyone care!....does anyone see me! Why can't we have pity parties? I think we need pity parties now and then. I don't think it good to stay in the pity for days and days, but we deserve to feel pity/despair even, our whole life changed in an instant.

We are all here, we all understand, we all care, you are not alone. I encourage you to not go on as though it is bothering you. The people that can not and will not understand your need, your right to take as much time as you need, are not the people to associate with, look elsewhere, sometimes it is total strangers, that offer the most empathy, understanding, and tolerance of your need to grieve. That is what I have discovered in my journey. All of you here, I have never met, and most likely never will, and yet I gather strength from all of you. I hope it is the same for you.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[LostmyHoney]

I am so very sorry your feeling this way. I too have been there. Recently though I have noticed it is not the happy couples that bring me down but the ones who are bickering ext.I just want to scream at them "Dont you relize one of you could be gone from this earth at any moment, and then what would the other do?..." I hope we all find some peace!

Rachel

[Lainey]

Every where that you go has couples, I know the feeling well ..anger that they are together,despair that I don't have that anymore.

You are still new to this journey and these feelings are normal to most of us in the very beginning. I am nearing the one year mark (Dec.11) and finding that now it is mostly a dull yearning of lonliness that I feel when I see couples.

I also feel as lost my honey does when I see bickering couples. They have no idea how precious their relationship is.

As for celebrating the holidays, just do what you can. If that means doing nothing it is totally fine. I wasn't looking forward to Christmas, but once I got the first few decorations up, I began to feel better. The g/babies are doing the tree next weekend so that is one less thing for me to stress over.

I hope you begin to feel a bit better soon.

Lainey

[Guest NancyL]

I don't feel angry that other people are happy. My co-worker's husband had a quadruple bipass the day of Don's funeral. She called me that morning and told me why she wouldn't be at the funeral. After I came back to work, she was quiet about her husband, until I asked her how he was doing. You see, she was so sad that I had lost my husband, and I was so happy that she still had hers. Don't feel angry that others still have their happiness. As sad as I am that Don died, I consider him and me lucky that we had 40 wonderful years together, although the last 10 were living with his paralysis.

[wmjsca]

The anger comes in waves, as do the tears. The sorrow is always there. I don't want to be angry, it's just that I feel I was dealt a bad hand. I know I'm going to have to learn to handle this better, it's still so raw for me right now. Some days I can get through and quell the anger (and envy); others I have a hard time with. I am lucky to have had love, yes, but totally unlucky to have had it snatched away. I am not a bitter person, usually... This has changed me and my perception of the world. I want to be at peace with things again, that's all. Then, when I'm beginning to emerge, I remember Clint is gone and I'm right back where I started from. I read that it's like a rollercoaster, but for me, it's a merry go round and I keep ending up at the same place.

[melina]

I'm in the same space you are right now - back to thinking "why me? why us?". Grief has changed me. I used to be active, busy and funny. My emotions are still all over the place, but the last few days I've just felt tired, envious, bitter and deeply sorrowful. It's like a roller-coaster because of the ups and downs, but even roller coaster cars eventually end up back where they started. I just wish the ride would end for good.

I'm going to my first bereavement support group tonight. I wonder if other people feel the same. Guess we just have to hang on - that's all we can do right now.

Melina

[kayc]

wmjsca,

I'm not sure what a normal life is because I feel like I haven't had one for so long...

It's okay to feel angry. It's not okay to direct it to others in a hurtful way. I think it's good to acknowledge your anger and even to state it "I am angry that we didn't get more time together...I am angry that bad people are still here and the best person in the world got taken...I am angry that life is so unjust." Sometimes it helps just to state it, it gives you back the power to your voice. We often feel ripped of our power when this nameless loss steals it, so restoring it even in little ways is good.

[wmjsca]

I suppose at this point I have no where to direct this anguish which I refer to as 'anger'. It's frustration, helplessness and sorrow all rolled into one. I agree, inflicting this on others isn't the way to go, it's merely a reaction to something I still don't understand. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read my rant and for the support of those who responded. I am always up and down with this and trying to deal with my son makes it doubly difficult. Now that Clint is gone, my son feels insecure. He is so used to his presence and now he's afraid someone will break into the house because Clint isn't here to guard it and protect us anymore. We were up long past his bedtime last night, he was crying and I was attempting to comfort him. I feel so inadequate at this! Being a mom is hard enough; I wish I could be a better grief counselor to him. But, after sitting at his bedside for a long while, stroking his hair and back, and assuring him he is loved and that Clint died because he was ill and not because he didn't love us, he finally went to sleep. I guess I did some good after all.

[Guest NancyL]

I'm sorry wmjsca, it must be twice as hard with children that you need to comfort and well as your own feelings. You sound like such a wonderful mother, don't ever feel inadequate, it sounds like you are the perfect person to comfort your son. Maybe after the holidays, you son can have a friend to sleep over, and it might help him get over his fear and grief.

[Cheryl]

When my husband died my 12 year old started putting my husbands tools under his bed. He kept adding things daily. He told me that he was afraid someone was going to take all his Dad's stuff and that I might even sell everything. He also was afraid of someone coming on our property. I got a new padlock and made the combination my husbands birthday. I had my son memorize it and together we locked up his Dad's shop. I told him I would never get rid of anything without talking to him about it first. He often tells his friends they can borrow a tool and is so proud to take care of his Dad's things.

My son slept with me for four months after my husband died. It helped us both. He was less fearful and I cried less with him present. When it was time for him to move back to his room we were both doing a lot better.

It's been a year now. My son often goes out to his dad's shop to do his homework. He's told me that he wants to sleep out there one night. Just know that your son needs you. Not a perfect you, not a happy you. He just wants to know that you are going to be there everyday. My son says he's biggest fear is that I will die and then he would go crazy without me. It helps to know that someone needs me even if I don't thing I'm very good at it. I hope you and your son find peace. Cheryl

[wmjsca]

Thank you, Cheryl. And you're right. He's afraid of losing me, too. Clint wasn't his father, but he was a big part of his life since he was three, so he's grieving the loss and he's sad that I'm sad. My son's father (my ex-husband) is in his life, yet he still misses Clint's presence. He is really helping me through this--maybe more than I'm helping him. I try to be helpful and I believe he loves me for at least trying. I appreciate your comments.