Disappointment - First Evening With Grief Support Group

[melina]

I got home about an hour ago from my first bereavement group. I'm not at all sure about this. There are supposed to be seven people altogether, but two couldn't make it. Two women were about my age. One had young children, had married late and lost her husband to a sudden heart attack. She was the only one I felt I might connect with. The other had been separated from her husband for a couple of years, so I'm not really sure why she was there. Then there were two elderly people - a man and a woman. They kept saying how lucky they felt that they weren't us - that they had grown children and grandchildren. The man said he thought it was much worse for me - having a teenager in the house. Plus they both felt lucky that they had had time to say goodbye properly to their spouses - since both knew they were terminal for months before their death.

There were two - what do you call them, "leaders?" - both in their late 60s. One was divorced and the other told us at the start that she was one of the privileged people who still had her husband and a great marriage. Already then I started feeling low. And I had been looking forward to the group.

I just don't know if this is a good group for me. It's the only one available, but when it was finished tonight I left in tears and sobbed in the car all the way home. I still feel pretty miserable. Aren't you supposed to feel comforted after a grief support group? Now I feel even more lost and lonely than before.

Melina

[MartyT]

Oh Melina, I'm so sorry this first group did not go well for you, as I think I know the courage and the energy you mustered just to get yourself to that first meeting, and I imagine this felt like yet another loss to you. Unfortunately this does happen sometimes, since every group is a reflection of the people in it ~ but before you decide it's not the group for you, I hope you'll give it a couple more tries. Sometimes it takes a while for a group to "click" and you won't get an accurate picture of a group's "life" from just one meeting. Maybe next time, the missing two people will be present, and they may make all the difference. I'm not saying not to trust your own good judgment here ~ by all means, you are the best judge of what you experienced and how you felt about it ~ I'm just suggesting that you may not have a complete picture of how this group will function until you've attended more than one meeting. Usually attending three consecutive meetings will give you a pretty good sense of whether any particular support group is going to work for you . . .

[melina]

Marty,

I will give it some more time - it only meets every two weeks. But what I really wish (apart from still having my husband) is that I could personally meet with all the people on this site every week. That you could all be my bereavement group. But then I suppose you are.

Melina

[wmjsca]

Hi Melina

I, too, am sorry the group experience didn't go well. I agree with Marty, though, give it another try--there may be other members that weren't there with whom you can relate.

My first support group was comprised of another single mom of a son (which I was grateful for), sisters of a suicidal sibling and the remainder of the group were grieving spouses, but were all remarried! That was a little unnerving--but I had to also remember that some people were members of this group much longer than myself and may have already traveled down my road--they've just grown in their recovery; also, new members join all the time. The group dynamic will, no doubt, change and may then include members more helpful to you. Our facilitator also spoke of her marriage, but then, if she has a good one, she will speak of it, I guess. I don't particularly enjoy hearing of couple bliss at this time in my journey, but it is life and things will proceed whether I'm ready to do so or not.

If nothing else, know you're not alone and everyone grieves differently. The participants are there to not only support each other, but to also share their experience.

I hope the next session is of more help.

I plan on starting my own group, one day when I'm further along. It amazes me that there really aren't that many groups available in my area.

Keep us posted....and keep the faith.

[Sal]

Melina,

Sorry your first meeting didn't go well. I know in my life I have totally misjudged a person on first impressions only to find out later that my perception was wrong. One of those is my best friend today. This may just mean I am a poor judge of character. However what I am trying to say is that first impressions aren't always the correct ones. Perhaps the older man and woman thought they were being very empathetic with those comments not realizing how they were sounding to yourself. People who are grieving come with different ages, genders, children or no children and perhaps the person you would least suspect of being able to help you with your grief is going to be the one who is the most help. Good for you for going again and I hope that as you all get to know each other something very special will happen within the group. Take care.

[Cheryl]

Melina my first experience at grief support was also similar to yours. I was caught off gaurd by the smiles, laughter and even a few jokes prior to the meeting starting. I walked in unable to speak. I felt like I was the only one in the group who was in active pain. I could barely tell my husbands story. I felt truly diffierent from everyone. For several weeks I was discouraged and angry that I wasm't fitting in. It took several meetings before I began to see each person a little different. We had many types of loss. A child to drowning, a wife to suicide, a teen to a brain tumor, husband to cancer, bike accident ect..

A lot depends on the leader of the group. It helps to let the leader know what you are feeling and what your concerns and questions are. This can be done in private or even during group. I even gave them a topic one time. I also started asking questions to those that were farther on the path than I. I needed to know that they had at one time felt similar to me and were now recovering. Hearing them gradualy share their journey helped a lot. If you're able to see the real people behind the faces I think you'll feel a connection.

Our only rules in our group are that nothing said leaves the room, you are safe to say anything you feel without being judged, and we all try real hard to tell our own story without telling the other people what they should do. Everyones path is different.

At the end of group we meet up with our families in a larger room and share a song in a circle. For 8 months I sobbed through the songs. I sobbed all the way home and hated the whole process. Now I am a witness to the transformation. I so hope that your path can be the same. But remember if it isn't working you can always walk away. Best of luck to you! Cheryl

[Lainey]

Marty is correct, you should try to go to at least three meetings unless you absolutely know it will not work for you.

I felt terrible after the first meeting but decided that I would stick it out three times. By the third time I was happy that I hadn't quit, they have been a tremendous help in showing me ways to cope and work through my grief.

Both of the facilators that lead our group lost their spouse and now are married to each other. They know the pain we are going through, but can also show us that there is happiness to be found again.

I wish you luck,it is very hard to take the first step in helping ourselves, isn't it? I found it difficult.

Lainey

[melina]

I just hate this whole thing. I hate having to have to go to a grief support group. I should be busy at work and with regular day to day stuff, planning Christmas with my husband, going shopping, working out - being normal! I hate struggling with pain and sadness every day. I hate waking up and remembering I'm all alone. I hate having to be strong and brave. I hate it all!

Melina

[sunstreet]

I am so very sorry that you felt disappointment with your first time at a greif support group. I Know how difficult that is and how it adds to our grief. I went a second time to the first group I tried and then decided that one wasn't for me.

I agree with the others it is good to try again. My second attempt has been very good. With my first group attempt, I asked myself three questions...Do I feel respected?...Do I feel supported?....Do I feel understood? My answer was no to all three questions and that is why I decided to find another group.

Good luck with it Melina.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[melina]

I talked to one of the facilitators of the group on the phone and told her how bad I felt when I left last night. She suggested I speak out next time someone says something that hurts me - but then I'd pretty much be speaking out all the time. I told her I'd give it another shot in two weeks when they meet again.

I don't know whether it's the group or Christmas or what - but I just feel completely shattered this evening. Really depressed. Everything seems meaningless. I tried to read the paper, but there was an article about Carl Sagan. That wasn't depressing, but there was an interview with his wife who said they were both atheists, explained why, and said she never expected to see Carl again. It's like being bombarded by depressing stuff.

I feel like I'm back to square one, only minus the shock. It still feels weird that a person I spend my days with for nearly 30 years can suddenly be gone - but I know longer feel that disbelief. Just very deep sadness and sheer panic that I might never be with him again to ask him if he knows how much I love him, and if he forgives me for not being a better wife.

Melina

[Chrissie]

Melina,

I think that is the question I ask myself the most, "Did Tim know how very much I loved him and still do?" In my heart I know he did, but my head still likes to play games. We were together 20 years, married 16 of those years and were always together. We volunteered as EMT's & Firefighters for our local fire department and worked a weekend job doing the same thing. I have such fond memories of our time together, but sure do miss him. It's been 10 months now and I still have a hard time relizing he is gone. This journey sure isn't an easy one to take, is it?

Chris

[kayc]

Melina,

It might have had something to do with how you were feeling at the time, or it might be it didn't live up to your expectations. You felt you might be able to connect with one of the people, even one is better than nothing. I'd give it more of a chance like Marty said. I can understand how you must have felt when one of the facilitators stated how happily married she was, it might have been better if she'd said nothing at all. I will say this though, even if she hasn't been through what you have, that doesn't mean she doesn't have anything to offer. Years ago I worked for a Prosthetic facility. My boss made artificial limbs for people and often he was asked if he was missing a leg. He responded no, his dad had and that had stirred his interest in improving upon what is made for people. One guy expressed his deep dissatisfaction at his not missing a leg and he replied "Well I'm not going to cut my leg off so that you'll have faith in me!" He was one of the best in the field and recently retired. To this day his former patients are still trying to get him to break retirement and make "just one more".

I hope this group works out for you, and maybe the other two people will be two more you feel you can relate to.

Kay

[Deb625]

Hi Melina, Good for you, that you went to a meeting and I do agree with the others that you should give it at least 3 meetings to get a good "feel" for the people and environment. Be proud of yourself for making the effort, it takes a lot to bring ourselves out to people who don't know us. I live in a suburb of a metropolitan city and there is only one support group "around" and it just happens to be at a facility that is also one of my clients and I'm just not comfortable mixing my grief with work. I know I would so like to meet other people "like" me at 43 I'm the first of my peers and my family to "lose" a spouse, so feel very alone... I can tell you that I'm hugely grateful for this group... Take care, Deb