I Am So Sorry

[sunstreet]

"Sick" to continue your Facebook page?? I don't think so!! Another remark we can add to our list of Words to Avoid When Comforting the Bereaved! If it's "sick," Melina, you and Mary have lots of company. See, for example,

Social Media and Grief

Grieving Online: Can Sites Like Facebook Help Heal?

A Facebook Lesson for Churches

Facebook.com Creates Form to Standardize Profiles of the Deceased

When I looked at the list of words to avoid when comforting the bereaved I discovered my signature "count your blessings" was on the list. I am so so sorry if this caused anyone upset. I am feeling absolutely horrible! Please forgive me! I actually find that I have to remind myself to count my blessings and find it can pull me out of pain at times. I am so so sorry.

[Dimcl]

I think that context makes all the difference in the world. "Count your blessings" can sound condescending and smug when said by someone who has no clue what we're really going through. Coming from someone who's "been there, done that" and who appears to be as kind and thoughtful as you, I can't imagine anywhere here not understanding what you mean in your signature.

[Guest NancyL]

Sunstreet, in no way would I ever think your signature was inappropriate. I do count my blessings (& I don't mean to bring new grief to anyone when I say this). My husband suffered a massive head bleed. If he had lived through that, most likely he would have been severly brain injured, bringing a new grief everyday. I am blessed with the knowledge that never happened. Also, I never knew what kinds of dastardly deeds his body would continue to bring. He had already suffered through two auto immune diseases, TM & ITP, and he had a strange boney growth appear on his hip. He was also loosing weight rapidly. Although he had a bone marrow test early in his diagnosis of ITP that ruled out cancer, I suspected it might always turn into Leukemia or Lymphoma. So his & my latest blessing was him (& I) not suffering through an extended period of extreme health problems.

Of course we had many good times for 40 years we were together, and I truly count them as blessings. And I believe that's what you mean when you sign with "count your blessings". We need to always remember our good times as blessings.

[Perkins808]

I also do not take offense to your signature.

My husband died of cardiac arrest after receiving the wonderful news that the tumor in his esophagus was eradicated by treatments he had received. Hard to wrap my head around this, but it is a blessing that Jeff died this way and didn't die an agonizing death from the cancer that ultimately they determined had spread to his brain causing the cardiac arrest.

I have found that I can pull myself up from my lowest points by trying to come up with at least one positive in my life......"counting my blessings".

Hugs to you Carol Ann,

Tammy

[MartyT]

Carol Ann, dear, there is no need for you to apologize. I'm sure we've all uttered one or more of these phrases at one time or another, but usually with the very best intentions! This list is simply a compilation of phrases that the bereaved themselves have experienced as hard to hear from certain others under certain circumstances. I've read every post you've ever placed on our site, and never, ever have I experienced your words as hurtful or thoughtless or offensive in any way. (Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact.) Dimcl is right ~ It's all about the context. ♥

[kayc]

There is nothing inherently wrong with "count your blessings"...it is a focusing on the positive. However, when a person is newly grieving, they don't SEE any positives. They don't feel blessed, and thus their circumstances turns the adage "count your blessings" into a meaningless cliche. I doubt you've offended anyone here, we would all just consider your intent and know you're trying to be appreciative of what you can and trying to focus on the good, something that is an example to us all. Our focus takes a lot of concerted effort, as does our grieving!

[LostmyHoney]

I agree !

No need to be sorry, I enjoyed seeing your signature at the end of your posts.

It was a blessing to me, a reminder to think of the good times we had as a couple.

I always felt blessed by God to have met my Honey, and had the lil bit of time I did have with him.

Rachel

[sunstreet]

Thank you all for your posts. I have decided to reinstate my signature. Yes, for sure my intent is always only to help and never to harm. I also believe it is the context. I know what it is to be without all hope, and be blinded to your blessings, and grief consumes your every moment as I am sure you all do as well. Melissa, would always remind me to count my blessings and I always found it so helpful. We would actually do it as an exercise together and at the end of this exercise together I always was able to lift myself up out of the sorrow enough to see I indeed was blessed.

I have always been this way, to look at the glass half full instead of half empty. If I were to focus on only what I have lost surely I would not have survived. I can honestly say that for every one thing I have lost, I have also found something. This is how I have survived thus far I believe. Knowing that I have no control over life. Life plays out as it will and I have the choice to search for joy even while I find myself in the depths of despair at times.

I know Melissa is with me. I know her intent was not to harm me or cause me pain. Melissa, just saw no other way to end her own pain. I love her more now than ever. This is why I know that love survives death because my love for her continues to grow and that is a blessing to me and to "us" (Melissa and me)

Thank you all so very much. I will always count my blessings.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[wmjsca]

Hi Carol Ann,

I don't take offense to 'counting my blessings'. It's, as I've read, good to have something to hold onto. There are, truly, things to be thankful for and I must keep that in mind amid the darkness of death and sorrow. I had six years with the most beautiful spirit; a good and decent man and that was, indeed, a blessing and having been loved by him was also a blessing. I do have those days where I can't find anything positive to be thankful for, but that's part of the grief process. I am blessed to have found this forum, as well. There was nowhere else to turn with all the horror and shock and sadness I felt. I've never experienced this type of loss and it's good to be in a place where I'm not only welcomed, but understood.

[sunstreet]

wmjsca, thank you for letting me know that you took no offense. I am so happy for you that you experienced love from the most beautiful spirit. That is exactly how I feel about Melissa and that is how I would describe her to you and to all of you here. I know so well the darkness of death and sorrow and I am just so sorry that you too now know it. It is good you can see some blessings. I could not agree more regarding this forum and all the forums on this site and at times I wish they had another forum for loss due to broken boundaries and being betrayed in a client/therapist relationship for I would be posting in it as well.

Thank you for your courage.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann