Lonliness Won't Go Away

[redwind30]

This has been a terrible weekend. Thursday was the anniversary of losing my mom 6 years ago. My husband always helped me get through that day. This year I had to go it alone. I am so tired of loss. At the age of 51 I have lost both of my parents, two husbands and all of my Aunts and Uncles. The only relative I have left is a brother who is 500 miles away. I feel completely alone. I miss my husband so much it sometimes feels as if the pain is physical. Now, frineds are disappearing. Everyone has their own life. Unless a person has live through this misery they have no idea what it is like. I am a Christian and I am trying so hard to trust God to get me through this...but it is hard to trust. I have no joy in anything anymore. The little things that brought pleasure at one time now leave me numb or sad. Something as simple as seeping in (if I lay in bed after I wake up I start to get really sad), eatting a good meal brings no pleasure anymore. We used to love to read and watch movies (I no longer have the attention span for either) Bottom line is I am so lonely and so empty. I hate going anywhere because all I seem to see is happy people. Terrrible way to be, I should not resent others from being happy. The pain is just so great some days I feel I can't stand it. The only time I get the slightest bit of relief is by coming to the forum or writing in my journal or playing with our little yorkie.

[pjm]

Im knew 2 this but not new @ loss. I too have lost my sister all my aunts and uncles lots of friends. Just recently loss my mothers best friend too. I lost my partner of 22yrs in July and Im having a hard time we did everything together now there is a large void for me to deal with. Lost my dad on the day I graduated form high school I was 16 and am now 54 and it still bothers me. I don't like going out of the house much anymore because like you everyone is happy about the holidays and I can't wait till they are over with. Im not happy about them can't get myself to even send christmas cards out. Have them on table waiting for me. Im having a hard time with god don't blame him but am losing faith not sure to trust.

My mother has lost her daughter and 4 husbands all brothers & sisters 9 totalcountless friends and just moves right along. Its amazing to me! I can't even find joy for a moment. Just thought you should know you are not alone in how you feel. We will get better! Thank goodness for my furry friends 2 cats and a dog they are my support because friends disappear after a time not because they dont care they do not know what to say and get BZ. Hope you get better.

[starby]

Oh Redwind I'm with you, it is so hard. I haven't experienced the losses you have but I hear your pain and it is difficult to see people being happy. That is natural. It's hard to see how life can go on so normally for other people when all these horrible things have happened. It's impossible to find a meaning in loss sometimes too. I have spiritual faith but it's very hard to hold that faith when in the midst of pain and grief. I think all we can do is take things a day at a time, even a minute at a time, and not put pressure on ourselves to feel or behave a certain way. I'm dreading Christmas, I really don't want it this year, it's been so awful. I'm sorry for all your losses and am glad you feel able to post about it here.

[grace10]

Redwind,

I understand. I feel very alone. Too busy with schoolwork and work to really feel lonely, but I feel so all alone. Mother is recently gone, and I will not be visiting her for the holidays of course. That was the plan, though. Friends have their own lives, and I feel just like a peripheral part. I am not family, and at this time of year, they are focused on family.

My longstanding good friend, who I have spent many holidays with, bailed on me for Thanksgiving, and just sent me a how are you card? That card brought me to a meltdown of sorts, being so insensitive to my needs and never acknowledging her bad behavior over Thanksgiving. I wrote her back and acknowledged her being such a flake. My only family now is a first cousin who lives thousands of miles away.

Today, though, I am getting out to a wonderful concert. An angel friend is picking me up. Tonight I am meeting someone at a coffee place about a new music project. Does not solve the problem of how to deal with the holidays, but I am sure I will catch some Christmas spirit at the concert today and maybe there will be some solutions.

I guess we all have to take this one day at a time, especially this time of year. I wish the holiday season would disappear, but that is not going to happen, and I have to make plans on my own to get involved in new situations at a time when I do not feel 100% about it. I wish old friends would step to the plate and be there for me, but that is not forthcoming and really disappointing.

[sunstreet]

I am sorry for your pain, and everyone's pain. I wish this was not part of this journey at all. It may seem off the wall or entirely not helpful to you but one thing I started do in my journey a while ago, instead of focusing only on what I had lost, I started thinking on, and looking for what I could find. I started thinking on, what is it about my emptiness that causes it. AFter much journalling, I discovered I was not empty at all. I was grieving and that is part of the grief process I think, to feel empty, to feel hopeless. I discovered my belief was I would forever feel that way...empty. So began my journey to search for meaning, to search for fulfillment, to examine my thoughts and behaviors, to honour our love so much that I was willing to feel all the pain and sorrow as it came for surely our love was deserving of that. In the process, I have discovered I was not empty at all, it just was that what was always there had to be transformed and experienced in a new way.

May you always know you are not alone.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[wmjsca]

Redwind, you are not alone. We are all on this journey together. Like you, my family was Clint, and now that he's gone, my young son and I are all alone. We miss his presence terribly. I understand the loneliness and that no one seems to understand. I know the anger and envy of happy people who are enjoying this season. I try to be realistic, but that's hard when my life has changed so drastically. You're right about eating and sleeping. Nothing even tastes the same. There's really no joy in much of anything. I have to kind of fake happiness so that my son won't be sad all the time, but inside, I'm crumbling. People around me believe that 'it should be better by now', when it's only been seven weeks. Would you believe someone told me yesterday to 'do myself a favor and stop counting the days and weeks?' People who haven't lost a partner to death have no idea what it's like to lose a partner and go it alone NEVER TO SEE THAT PERSON E-V-E-R AGAIN. So, you see, you have company here. I will be happy when the holidays have passed. Let's continue to support each other here where we identify with the grief no one outside seems to understand.

Take care.

[kayc]

I hear you, I know all too well what you're saying. It gets better with time, but not entirely. I mean, it's never quite the same, the joy/purpose/zeal is just not the same. And our focus seems to be permanently altered. But I do enjoy my life some now, although there are times I feel like things are hopeless as I get tired of shouldering everything alone and sometimes that scares me. It's never quite the same going through life alone as it was when you had that broad chest to lay your head on, you know? But, I don't feel the despair I once did either. I've gone through my periods of wondering if God really does give a rip about me...and this is coming from someone who was always strong in faith and in prayer! But He surely understands how temporal we mortals are! We seem to need to see/feel/touch instead of just take Him up on His say so...esp. when we don't like what we're hearing and seeing!

Just rest assured that a few years from now will not seem quite the same as today...you will have ups and downs and everything inbetween between now and then, but you will grow and learn and develop within yourself. It'll all be okay...not what you ordered, but okay. In time.

[Chrissie]

Redwind,

I certainly can relate to what you are feeling, as I'm sure we all can. It just seems unbearable at times. I seem to do ok during the day at work, but going home to an empty house, I wonder if I'll ever get used to that? I miss his hugs, and his advice when I'm having a hard day. He always made me feel like everything would be ok. Tim has been gone for almost 11 months now and some things have gotten easier, but not the being alone.

Chris

[Cheryl]

I have to agree the lonliness and the empty house are the hardest.

[abergsma]

I also have to agree.

You can be in a room of people but still feel alone.

It is an awful feeling. I feel empty and kind of segregated from the world. I would rather go shopping by myself then with someone else.

The house is empty but I feel comfort in it (if that makes sense).

It is a tough path we are walking.

Hugs

Allana