Feeling Like A Terrible Person

[Perkins808]

Ok, I just need to vent. I'm not sure if any of you have had to deal with an ex-wife on top of the whole grieving process....but I have to deal with my husbands ex since the day he died.

I am grateful now that I was numb for pretty much the month after Jeff died - because I had no reaction at the funeral home when his ex-wife insisted on standing next to me in the receiving line. I think back on it now and cringe that this woman (who had caused my husband great pain, cheated on him, left him and their children to go live with her new boyfriend, etc.) stood in front of his parents in that receiving line when she should have never been in the line to begin with.

She waited a whole week to start hounding me for life insurance paperwork, paperwork to a 32 ft camper that her and Jeff shared. During the party we had to celebrate Jeff's birthday in October, one of Jeff's children gave me a letter Mom had written....requesting all of their Christmas ornaments back. I was heartbroken....I was still holding out hope that maybe my stepdaughters would still be able to come and decorate "our" tree like we had when their Dad was alive.

My husband told me shortly after we got married that his ex-wife had called him the night before our wedding and asked him if he was sure he knew what he was doing, was he sure that he could trust me. Clearly she thought that since Jeff had just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer that I would only be marrying him for whatever I would get if he died. What she didn't know was that he and I had talked about his will, and I was adamant that the ex-wife was to remain the beneficiary of his life insurance because he still had children that needed to be taken care of. He made it clear (but not legally binding) that the money was to be used for their education. Now I hear from my oldest stepdaughter who is a freshman in college that she had to take out sizeable student loans....and Mom has gone out and bought a brand new boat and car since Dad's death. I think of how Jeff would be reacting to all of this and all I want to do is cry. He would be crushed.

I guess the final straw was yesterday when I stopped by to visit my in-laws. My mother in law told me that she had run into the ex in the grocery story. The ex asked how they were holding up and they said they had their days. She responded that she too had HER days. I couldn't help being really angry, like she had given up her right to "her days" when she kicked him to the curb.

Yes, I know she is entitled to her grief....I think it just annoyed me that she was trying to get sympathy from Jeff's parents who are already having such a hard time dealing with the loss of their son.

I feel like a terrible person for having all these negative thoughts about her. It is so unlike me, and I would probably never say any of this stuff out loud to anyone....but it's a comfort to write down my thoughts and share them with you.

Thanks for listening!

Tammy

[nats]

Tammy,

I can relate to the feelings and frustration somewhat as I have situation with my wifes children....my wife did not have a will as we procrastinated having a final one drawn up, I guess we didn't want to face the reality of her not beating the cancer.....she made it known to me and her children that she wanted me to have the home and property and the children were to get her rings and jewlery....I have not heard from either one since her passing and her son did not attend her life celebration....after issues with my first attorney and my paperwork being held up due to the bar associaton, I finally have a new attorney and when he sent letters to the kids verifing the aggreement the son said he did not aggree and the daughter had stipulations and said if I did not aggree to probate her estate and divide, well little does she know I get both cars and all property up 20K in value automatic per Florida Law, the sad thing is she has now forced me to place the jewlery in a non exempt status and it will be sold she will not receive any of it, and by the time my fees are paid for being the agent over her estate, legal fees and maybe creditors there will be little left for them, I feel bad but I can not have property without the deed (it's in her name) in my name so I have no choice I will foreclose the house, sell the jewlery, take memories and home we've built and move it into another structure (my house I'm going to buy) it rips my heart out knowing I am going to have to move but in the long run it will be better for me (I hope) because of market values and a flexable intrest rate on her existing loan....Thursday is her birthday and Christmas around the corner it's kinda rough right now I did not need this additional twist to deal with, I am very close to someone and she is encouraging me and offering the much needed support so I am so thankful for that....what's funny is I keep hearing Ruth tell me, "do what you have to babe for you, I want you happy that's all that matters".....so I also kinda feel like the bad guy hear....my thoughts and prayers are with you....

NATS

[kayc]

I am sorry you are having to deal with this boorish person. I wish your husband had put his $ into trust so she couldn't touch it and it'd be there when his children needed it for their education. She is destroying what little their kids think of her. I hope you cut any and all ties to her and do not allow her to infiltrate your life even a tiny bit!

My husband's ex is a lovely lady that shared a wonderful conversation with me after he passed away and sent me flowers the day of his memorial service. They both contributed to the demise of their marriage and we just chalk it up to youthful folly and neither held anything against the other...what happened was long ago and neither here nor there now. The important thing is being there for the kids, whether grown or not, and helping them cope with this huge loss in their life and helping them remember their dad in a special way.

[Perkins808]

Nats - I am so sorry for what you are going through. People don't seem to understand how much they compound a person's grief by fighting over things that they are not entitled to, especially when they themselves know what the wishes of the person who died were. Shame on them!

When Jeff was diagnosed, we knew there was a good chance that he would not survive....my motives for wanting to get married immediately (we had been engaged for 11 months) were pure and simple. I loved this man more than anything, I wanted to be married before his battle began because I wanted to live under the same roof and be able to take care of him. I didn't want any of his "stuff".....because "stuff" never meant anything to me, Jeff did. I didn't even get mad when he told me what his ex said - because it couldn't have been further from the truth. Jeff and I had a love like no other and we never felt the need to even justify her remarks with a response.

Kayc - the relationship that you have with your husbands ex is very similar to the relationship that I have with my ex-husbands girlfriend. It started out with us just being cordial because of MY children, but once I got to know her she became a true friend. Unfortunately, Jeff's ex never gave me a chance. I still have to bite my tongue and never confront even the most ridiculous things that she does....because she ultimately could keep me from seeing my stepdaughters. It's not easy, but I always keep the kids in mind whenever I have to deal with any situation that involves her.

Thank you for your responses!

Hugs,

Tammy

[wmjsca]

Since Clint and I never had the chance to marry, I will forever be his fiance. As such, I am entitled to nothing and his adult children will be allowed to squander what he worked his entire life to achieve. This is a very sore subject for me to deal with while grieving his death. Life is really ironic. Those who could have cared less are entitled to everything while I am totally shut out but spent day and night caring for him. I wasn't interested in 'stuff' it's just shameful that people who deserve it least seem to get the most. I suppose it's just the grief...I don't know. I just know that I was the most appropriate person to handle things, yet have no legal say in the matter.

[Deb625]

Do common-law relationships have no standing in in OH?. Here in Canada if you have co-habitate for one to 2 years (depending on Province) you have rights to the Estate i.e. here a man or woman, cannot die leaving a will that does not provide consideration to his spouse or children... If there is no will the Estate would simply go to the Wife and children in a percentage split...

[abergsma]

I too can relate Tammy with an exwife..

My husband and I were married 13 wonderful years. He did have a bad first marriage as I did.

When he was in intensive care his 4 grown children were there as well as my 2. I told my step kids that if their Mom wanted to go and see him I had no problem with it..well in hind site I am sorry for doing that. She continued visiting and bringing others, then at the funeral home she made herself very visible at both visitations. At the actual funeral she actually had the nerve of sitting with the immediate family in a special room on the side taking a space that should have been used by someone else.

A few weeks later my one stepdaughter was visiting, the ex picked her up and started asking me all sorts of questions about my husband's medications and so much more. My stepdaughter was devasted, I felt so bad for her.

Then my other stepdaughter was visiting from England and her Mom brought her by on their way to the airport. The ex was going to stay in the car but I said she was welcome to come in, which she did. We had a nice visit ( my stepdaughter had told her Mom not to mention her Dad). When they were leaving she started questioning me about the silverware ( which I never wanted or used) and a needlepoint. I told her it was all taken care of with the kids. My stepdaughter was so upset with her Mom. I feel so bad for the kids...so I tolerate her but it hurts...

My stepson wanted me to come for dinner with the Mom and I said that was fine but the Ex refused. Now they have to have 2 dinners, which again is not fair to the kids.

It is horrible what they do to us. I have already given the kids what was important to them that was their Fathers...I would never keep them away or say no to them but the ex needs to butt out.

Hugs to all of us

Allana

[wmjsca]

Do common-law relationships have no standing in in OH?. Here in Canada if you have co-habitate for one to 2 years (depending on Province) you have rights to the Estate i.e. here a man or woman, cannot die leaving a will that does not provide consideration to his spouse or children... If there is no will the Estate would simply go to the Wife and children in a percentage split...

Common law relationships are no longer recognized in OH since the 1990's; I believe there is a 'domestic partner registry' but that wasn't in place for us. His family gets whatever he had.