Hard To Start A New Year

[mfh]

I am new to this site but find it helpful as so many others are expressing what I feel. My husband, Bill, died in March and starting a new year (without him) while the world celebrates tomorrow's new beginning feels like I am about to climb Mt. Everest alone. I see others feeling what I feel and that is helping me to stay on track with my grieving process. The world seems to want us to get past it, get through it, move on. How alone I feel as fewer and fewer people understand that I am grieving the biggest loss in my life.

[Dimcl]

The world seems to want us to get past it, get through it, move on. How alone I feel as fewer and fewer people understand that I am grieving the biggest loss in my life.

mfh, I am only 2 months into this and am already experiencing what you're talking about. Fortunately, my parents are still alive, so I spent Christmas with them. They were very good and pretty-much left me to my own devices while I was with them, but at one point, my mother made the mistake of asking me if "I was feeling better". An innocuous comment, perhaps, but I said "Feeling better than what? Feeling better than I did 7 weeks ago, 4 weeks ago, yesterday?" She's never gone through this and doesn't understand that it took a month just for the shock to wear off (and I'm not certain that it has yet, to be honest), so I found the question irritating. I told her that if she wants to know how I'm doing, she should ask, but to ask me if I'm "feeling better" implies to me that that's what she wants to hear - that I am feeling better.

I'm not one to publicly display emotion, so everybody thinks that I'm doing pretty well, "considering". I know it's partly my fault that I'm not honest with people, but I've already gotten the impression that people are no longer interested, so I deceive them. What else can I do when I'm convinced that they really don't want to know, but are simply asking to be polite?

Tonight will be especially hard as Glenn and I always stayed up until at least midnight to bring in the new year. Glenn was a morning person, so he was usually in bed by 10:30 or 11:00, but he always stayed up with me New Year's Eve. Tonight, I'll likely be in bed by 11:00, as seeing in the new year alone will be too painful.

I've spent much of today writing my letters to my darling man, and it's helped. He would be the only person in the world who would hear me out and who would patiently listen and who would try to help, so while I put pen to paper, I feel a connection because I know he'd be listening if he were here. God, I miss him terribly and still can't believe that this has happened.

Di

[mfh]

mfh, I am only 2 months into this and am already experiencing what you're talking about.

I understand, Di, I write to Bill every day and it is 9 months. My shock and fog has not lifted...I still can't get my head around this reality. I also get angry at family when they ask questions like that...long story. I spent Christmas with friends and am home here tonight...alone. You do not have to apologize for any feelings. I found lots of information on line about grieving and it helps a lot...and i am a therapist which means nothing when it comes to one's own huge gigantic loss. Hang in there. The road is tough and lonely and some along the way will get pieces of it but I have learned NO one gets it because no one can know what we had and most have not lost a spouse.

[Lainey]

mfh,

Starting a new year without your loved can be very hard, I am blessed to have my sister and brother-in-law visiting me until the 3rd. Lars and I made a point of staying up and bringing in the year together. Last year(he passed on Dec.11th) I spent in my room crying most of the night. Tonight I have written him a long letter and will drink a toast to him at midnight.

Life goes on and it does get easier as time passes. The lonliness is a constant to me, even with people around. I hope that stops at some point, but following posts here, it may take awhile.

As for "getting on with it" people just don't get it, we have the right to grieve for as long as we need. They will only understand when they lose a loved one.

Lainey

[Dimcl]

My brother called tonight, and that was nice of him, but when he asked how I was and I said "not good", he said "What's the matter?" God, he was here to help me the day Glenn died, but two months later, on New Year's Eve, he asks what the matter is? When I said, "Well, it's New Year's Eve and I'm doing lousy", he said "Well, why don't you call me tomorrow?", and that was the end of that conversation. It's responses like that that make me want to lie to everybody so as not to feel the tension and awkwardness from other people.

[kayc]

OMG, I can't believe he'd ask what the matter is, what does he THINK the matter is! Of course it's hard and it's hard knowing the whole world is celebrating while we're...not. Our church has something going on tonight from 8 to midnight but I elected to stay home with my dog...it is 15 degrees and there's a lot of snow and ice out, combined with drunk drivers, I just don't feel like tackling it, plus it's supposed to snow more tonight and tomorrow and have 23 mph winds. Nope, I'll stay in and treat it like any other night...alone.

Keep safe and well, hopefully next year won't be as hard for you.

[mfh]

"What's the matter?"

I believe it. I have had that happen...people move on and forget. We do NOT forget and never will. I get frustrated with those remarks but try to blow it off because my grief is enough to deal with without taking on those remarks. People just do not get it. It makes it so much harder, for sure. it is now 10pm...the year ends officially in 2 hours and the new year begins...and I say...who cares. The people on this website get it, people who have lost a close spouse get it and those are the ones who matter. I know about family who do not get it. It hurts. We thought they would understand.

[abergsma]

My brother called tonight, and that was nice of him, but when he asked how I was and I said "not good", he said "What's the matter?" God, he was here to help me the day Glenn died, but two months later, on New Year's Eve, he asks what the matter is? When I said, "Well, it's New Year's Eve and I'm doing lousy", he said "Well, why don't you call me tomorrow?", and that was the end of that conversation. It's responses like that that make me want to lie to everybody so as not to feel the tension and awkwardness from other people.

I have been getting the same response from my best friend ever since the funeral was over (Sept 17/10). I don't feel as close to her as I used to and dread talking to her.

I totally get what you are saying.

Allana

[Queeniemary]

Guys,

I get that also, "are you doing all right", "How are you doing" (said with a big concerned look on face). They mean well, and I know that but it so irritates me! I have to keep remembering that they don't understand....I did not understand until it happened to Michael and me. My friend Dana lost her husband (he was 48) in April, 09. I tried to be very supportive to her, and it was not until the night of the day of Michael's death that I got it. Dana came to my hospital room (I was in the hospital having had a total knee replacement two days before Michael died) and just looked into my eyes, took me in her arms and then I got it! You really have to go through it to understand. AND I am so grateful and happy for my friends who have not had this kind of loss. I am also very grateful and happy for the support of those who are on this same journey with me, my friends Dana and Tom, and the people here on this forum. My prayers are for the coming year to be a peaceful and accepting one for all of us on this terrible journey that none of us wanted to make.

Happy New Year (at least we will try)

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Billw]

You hit the nail on the head Mary, there is no way to really understand or "get it" until this happens to you. I still have people ask me "how are you getting along?" When you start to answer you get the blank look, the head nodding, and the trying to look sincere look. Like you said Mary, I do believe they mean well but there is no way that they understand. I never knew what any of this was like when I used to ask people how they were either. Unfortunately we know now. That is the nice thing about this group, we all feel it and we do "get it" when someone here feels bad we all feel it with them. I hope for better days, peace, and comfort for all of us today...take care everyone....BW

[wmjsca]

The road is tough and lonely and some along the way will get pieces of it but I have learned NO one gets it because no one can know what we had and most have not lost a spouse.

I went to church this morning after a two-month absence. I went a little after Clint's death and it was impossible to get through the service without sobbing. I thought staying away would give me time to 'heal' enough to return without falling apart. But it was almost worse today because it HAD been two months. People asking me 'how are you doing' and all I could do was 'lie' and say 'alright' when I know that's not true. I don't think they wanted to hear that the pain is just the same as then. The pain lessens a little each day, but being back in church, where we sat every Sunday for six years brought it all back. I even had someone who didn't know ask me how Clint was getting along? How could you not know that he's DEAD and you're a church member? I had to deal with the stares of pity with the occasional 'I'll call you'.

Why does life continually go on and I'm still stuck? I was not ready to return to church...will I ever be ready? I am fine until faced with one of our traditions and I can't help but cry. I am so tired of these crying spells. I feel that if I change church homes, it will be disrepectful to his memory. After all, it was his church.

People don't get why I am still so shaky, fragile and tearful. I hope they never know.