Things That Complicate My Healing

[sunstreet]

One of the three men ( a family member of mine) who gang raped Melissa when they learned I was a lesbian and married to Melissa is up for a parole hearing this month. I will be there to give an impact statement and reasons why I think his parole should not be approved. I have been having to go to meetings with my lawyer to prepare for this. It was the 7th anniversary of Melissa's suicide, this past December 25, and I am proud with how I managed this year for sure. However, now that January 2011 is here, and starting to think on the parole hearing, I have been reliving what they did to my Melissa. I have been extremely weepy the past few days and I worry that telling you all will bring you down, since it has been 7 years for me already. I decided to post because I need to tell someone, anyone other than my therapist, that it has been a very hard journey accepting Melissa's choice. I understand it, because I have been there myself, thinking on suicide and I know at that precise moment you are not thinking on anyone else, just yourself and wanting the pain to end.

I am hurting these last few days. Preparing for the parole hearing has been difficult to say the least and just has given rise for the memory of of discovering Melissa dead to be in thought constantly. I can see my progress as I don't curl up in the fetal postion any longer and weep for days and days, but the sorrow is deafening today.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[wmjsca]

Carol Ann, I am so sorry that your loss is compounded by this parole hearing.

Complicated grieving/loss makes things much more difficult since it brings up all the crap in the past. I have been struggling, as well, with all my abandonment issues and I know it's just causing me to hurt even more now that Clint is gone.

I also realize that I didn't work on my issues even prior to meeting him and becoming involved with him. Now that he's gone, a big part of my identity went with him, meaning I'm not only grieving his death, but my own in some ways. It's so cruel he had to die before I was able to work on my own emotions and independence. I guess I relied on his love so much that his absence makes me feel somewhat 'invisible'.

I had considered suicide when I was very young, right after leaving my abusive family home. I had managed to ESCAPE, but didn't possess the tools necessary to function socially. I was making horrible choices in friends. I felt anyone who was NICE to me was my friend. Needless to say, I suffered so much loss from that.

I don't feel suicidal now, but I just can't get into living, either.

I do hope that you can find peace within yourself and not dwell on the past issues. Grieving Melissa's loss is enough. Here's hoping your impact statement will keep her rapist behind bars for the entire sentence.

[Steven]

Every once in awhile, the words "death is a cave" come to my mind--I have no idea why this happens--the words seem to come out of nowhere most of the time. This time, they occurred to me just as I read your words about the sorrow you felt for the way your wife Melissa was gang-raped, and how she felt driven to escape the pain through suicide. I thought, maybe that's what death is a cave could mean. When dealing with the death of those we love... standing in the cave, one way leads us deeper into the darkness, the other leads us toward light.

It's been very close to five years since my wife died, and I alternate between walking into the cave and walking into light. It seems that I spend more time approaching the entrance as time passes, but it certainly isn't the rule. There are times when I do not get out of bed until I absolutely have to. Cancer took Tanya from me, and it is unbearable knowing that someone you love is suffering terribly and there's not much--or nothing that you can do to change the situation. Death is difficult under most circumstances. Add to that the complete senselessness of Melissa's death, and the meanness, cowardice, stupidity--all of the inadequate words used to describe what was done to her, you have another layer to deal with, and it is an enormous one.

It sounds as though your hard work is taking root, Carol Ann. There is no making sense of the senseless, so the only avenue available is to make peace with the cruel reality you have been delivered. We can hope that your impact statement does have the intended impact, but after you make it, the finding will be out of your hands. You will have done all you can, and there is nothing else you can do. I'm droning on and on, knowing from my own experience that there is nothing to be said that will make things right. We can take steps to make things better, however, and you are doing just that. I think of the strength and courage you have shown under this most difficult of situations, knowing the sorrow you feel, and my heart goes out to you. Knowing that things get better is the only thing that makes these conditions bearable--your sorrow will pass; you will feel better. ~ Steve

[Lainey]

Carol Ann,

Since I first started reading posts on this site I have felt the deep and suffering you have been through.It just isn't fair for someone to have to suffer so long, and now this has to come just when you were sounding so optomistic.

Please know that I am thinking of you and am sending you hugs and love.

I hope you are able to keep this person behind bars with your impact statement, and that it will ease your mind knowing he is being punished for the horrible thing he did.

Lainey

[2sweetgirls]

I am at a loss for words but, I just want to let you know that I have read your post and feel deeply for you.

This man, (I use the word extremely loosely) should be in jail for the rest of his life. I am so sorry for your loss of Melissa, to suicide on Christmas, I can't imagine the "what ifs". Also, for what she had endured. I'm not going to try to understand. I just want to support you in your difficult journey.

Blessings and courage are the perfect words.

2sweetgirls

[kayc]

Carol Ann,

We will be here rallying for you as you fight for your Melissa's justice. I know that is a hollow word because there is never true justice for such a crime. I can guarantee you that this man is tormented, sick, hurting, and undoubtedly angry. He should not be released without guarantee that he will cause no harm to society...and who can guarantee that but him and who is he to believe?

You are right to recognize your progress. You need to applaud it, for it has not been easily come by.

Melissa's life was not so much taken at her own hand as it was at the hands of others who drove her to it by putting upon her more than she felt she could handle. You are right in that she was thinking only of escape of her own misery and pain, for if she had been able to think straight, she could not and would not have left you on your own to suffer alone. At the end of George's life, as he was in his hospital bed, having his final heart attack, I beckoned to him NOT TO LEAVE ME! And he shook his head no. Twice I begged him and twice he shook his head no. He died and left me all alone. Did he want to leave me alone? No! He could no longer bear the pain and struggle that was his alone with the shape his heart was in. He saw a better place and went to it. I cannot fault him for it, nor do I view it as his taking a choice over me. In that moment, he could bear no more...and he let go. That is what Melissa did in her own way. We have to forgive them for not having the strength to go through more, and forgive ourselves for not forseeing it or being able to stop it somehow. Life just is what it is sometimes...and death too. It's not up to us to control it, but to deal with what we are dealt.

Go show your strength and remember that you are your grandmother's child, and do Melissa proud...I believe she will be with you in spirit.

[Queeniemary]

Carol Ann, my heart goes out to you. I know I really cannot even fatham what you are feeling. Know you are in my prayers, and thoughts.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Dimcl]

Carol Ann, please just know that when you walk into that room and give your impact statement, we here will all be thinking of you and hoping against hope that this vile creature stays where he is. From what I now know of your story, I can't believe that anybody could be as strong as you are. I know that we often put on a mask for the outside world, but what you and Melissa endured, and what you've come through since her death, proves that your strength isn't a false cloak. My heart goes out to you.

Di

[grace10]

Carol Ann,

I am not sure what to say, but I want to acknowledge your post and all the grieving and endless hurt you have been through. You are very brave to go to this hearing despite having to re-live some awful things.

I hope you find your measure of peace, healing, and acceptance about Melissa. My heart goes out to you, and you are in my thoughts and prayers as you prepare to do this difficult impact statement.

[sunstreet]

Dear wmjsca,

Thank you for your empathy for me. I am sorry that Clint's death has triggered abandonment issues for you. I so understand. I totally relate to you when you say that when Clint died, a big part of you died too, and feels as though you are grieving Clint's death and your own in a sense. I totally relate. I am so sorry you know this pain. I also relate to your sorrow that Clint will not experience your emotional healing and independance. I also relate to your feeling of being invisible. I felt all of those things too and some of them I still do, but they have changed for me some. I do believe that your Clint and my Melissa are very aware of the work we are doing with our emotional self and are independance. It is horrid that they can not be here in body with us to share in our growth, but I do believe they are very aware and very very proud of us.

I am deeply sorry that you too felt suicidal when you first "ESCAPED" I am so sorry, that you had to flee from abuse but I am so grateful and proud of you for the courage it took for you to do that. I know so well the courage that takes. I also sadly was not afforded the tools to function socially when I first "ESCAPED" either, and in fact wanted to go running right back to what I new...violence and abuse...the world outside seemed to frightening, to big, to unknown, at least when I was with my family, I knew when they were going to strike, but ESCAPING from them, I could not see or anticipate when or where they would strike, it was actually more frightening than when I lived with them. I too suffered much loss whilst I found my way in the world, then Melissa came into my life and we fell in love. IT IS NOT OUR FAULT WITH HOW THE DEATH OF OUR SPOUSE HAS AFFECTED US, and the ensuing work you have just begun and the work that I have been doing for the last 7 years. It does become less painful than where you are now. I am very relieved that you do not feel suicidal at present, and I totally understand that you can not get into living either. It is OK, it is part of this utterly angonizing path. I am wanting to acknowledge how much you have shared with us and the courage that takes. I think the key is to be real with ourselves, all of us here, and just say it like it is, keep talking, keep supporting, and know that each time one of us is in pain, facing new things alone, all the rest of us are right along side with us.

It is hard for me not to dwell on the past, as it is right in front of me, having to prepare and get though this parole hearing. Finding peace within myself in all honesty is a work in progress but I have Faith that I will get there, as I am further to there than when I was abruptly thrown onto the path. It is going to take time.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear Steven,

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I am sorry that cancer came to her life and yours. I am sorry that you had to go through watching your wife suffer so. My heart goes out to you. I am sorry you know the pain of loosing your spouse. I looked at the site you referenced and saw your wife's picture. I am just so sorry.

I totally like the image of being in a cave after loosing our spouse to death. One way leads to darkness, the other way leads to Light. I can picture this so well. Thank you for this image. That is how it has been for me. In order to get to the Light, I had to go into the darkness first, I went in a bit then would turn and run to the Light again, then go into the darkness a bit deeper, and then back to the Light, and at times, only a faint flicker of Light was there. I have been all the way into the darkness now right into it's roots, and I can spend time in the darkness without giving rise to despair as before, just this anormous amount of sorrow.

Sadly I know only to well, that the justice system does not always deliver justice. I know all I can do is give my impact statement, and the decision is not mine to make. Thank for encourageing me that my sorrow will pass. I don't think that it will be any time soon though.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear Lainey,

Thank you for your empathy. It is not fair, but this it what it is. I can not change anything. I can only choose to continue down the path that leads me to the Light, and accept that the path to the Light will not be a straight line.

Lainey I have sensed your pain as well. I think of you as well, and offer my hugs and love. None of our paths are easy, all of our paths require on honest evaluation of ourselves to move through our loss and feel like thriving in life again, rather than just existing.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear 2sweetgirls,

I am so sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for your empathy and support. I offer mine to you.

Dear Mary(Queeniemary),

I feel your thoughts and prayers and empathy. I hold you in gentle thought and prayer too as you are on your own journey through loss. None of them are easy. Thank you so much.

Dear Di,

Thank you so very much. I know you too are on your own journey and I see your srengths as well. No-one really knows what strengths they have until they are called upon to summons them up. Love conquers all, love will always outshine any violence in this world. Sometimes we don't even realize the strength we are utilizing until after what required us to be strong has passed. My heart goes out to you too.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear Kayc,

I am sorry for what you too have had to endure and survive. We have made it though Kayc, we can hold our head up high and be proud. We have done NOTHING wrong. I am so sorry for your loss of George. I agree we have to forgive them, and I have forgiven Melissa, forgiving myself is still a work in progress for sure.

I recognize my progress and I am PROUD alongside some very deep sorrow that feels like I am totally fogged in and can't see my way in any which direction I look. It is so tragic, that this happened to my Melissa. I know what she endured as if I was right there myself, as I have been and was many many times before I "ESCAPED" It is just so tragic that it is family members that did this to her and likely I will have to go through two more parole hearings for the other two family members if they ever make parole. Sometimes I wonder why did I not end up becoming an abuser? What makes me so different? It is such a sorrow for me to own that the three men who did this to my Melissa are also family. I know that more healing is happening for me, as I am integrating, and I see them all not as two people anymore. I feel such sorrow, and I am impatient for this part of my path to change.

I will go and show my strength, and I am my Grandmother's child, my heart is already breaking in two knowing that after I will come home and no-one here to hold me, as I let go, and let myself feel what just took place. Now I need to go and try to rest for tomorrow is my dental appointment...may God be with me.

Thank you so much.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Cheryl]

Dear Carol Ann,

I have read your posts and want you to know how brave I feel you are. Your story of survival gives me the strength each day to make sure my children are loved, embraced and taken care of. Your continued growth is so inspiring and all of us during this journey can bind ourselves together knowing that we are not alone even when we feel alone.

I dreamt about my husband last night. We were dancing, slow and close by the Christmas tree. He told me he loved me, that I was the best wife. It felt so real and comforting. His smile, his touch, the way we fit together when we hug. We can all draw strength from the happy times we once shared.

I know Mellisa is cheering you on and is proud of your ability to persevere through the dark. I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you prepare for court. You are doing a very brave thing. Many people would be unable to find the strength to face this pain.

Cheryl

[sunstreet]

Dear Cheryl,

Thank you so much for your empathy and support. I am so happy for you that you dreamt about your husband. My nights of late are fraught with terrifying nightmares from trauma I have survived in my life which I think was triggered by preparing for the parole hearing and it has been hard to go through them without Melissa here to hold me and comfort me. It is just so so complex but I am solid and sure in knowing that I am on the right path and it will lead me to further healing. I worry though after it is all said and done and I let myself feel safe again, I will just collapse. I have been sending my family the message ever since I escaped from them that whatever you do to me and to those I love will not falter my own belief system and my right to be as I am. It is just so painful though as the man that is facing a parole hearing is family. It is hard to own that fact. Part of me prays that his heart will open and he will see the Light too. On the one I want him in prison forever, and on the other I have empathy for I know what he grew up in and is only doing what he was taught and what was expected of him and he did so to survive himself. Sometimes I wish I did not have such a capacity to understand human behavior and I could just hate him. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away but it is my firm belief that I have survived and I was able to see the Light and learn to live a life in the Light, so that I can use my voice to bring Light to the darkness of our world. The best thing I can do to affirm that Light exists, is to be there, and shine the Light on the darkness as brightly as I can muster. It is the only thing that makes me able to get out of bed each and every day is that each day brings more opportunity for healing, more opportunity to spread Light onto our world. As a member of the human race, I feel it is my duty, I could do nothing less.

I don't feel pain now just a deep permeable sorrow right into the my soul.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann