Taking A Misery Break

[melina]

I've had my share of ups and downs since Thyge died in August, but at about five months out I was feeling pretty good. I've been reading studies that state that the distress of grief is greatly diminished after 6 months, unless it's complicated grief. But now at 6 months, I'm feeling utterly miserable. It's like climbing a mountain in roller skates, nearing the top, only to trip and roll back down again at breakneck speed.

For those of you who are new to this site - don't despair. I know a lot of people are doing quite well after 6 months. But they probably wouldn't be visiting a site like this.

Anyway - I think what people here need most of all is hope and optimism. So I'm going to make myself scarce for a while until I can pull myself together. All I do is cry and long for my husband, and I don't know why this is happening with such intensity right now.

You've all been a great source of support. See you when I dry up.

Melina

[Lainey]

Melina,

Please don't be so hard on yourself,don't feel like you have to disappear during a difficult period.We are here to support each other, through hope and optimism as well as despair,so if you need to vent, go right ahead.

I found that six,nine,and eleven months were the hardest for me to deal with.There were times when it felt like I was digressing quicker than I was progressing, and the silliest things would set me off.

I really don't believe that I had complicated grief, I think we all deal with grief at our own pace.

Come back to te site, we're here for you anytime.Sending hugs.

Lainey

[Den's Gail]

Dear Melina,

Please don't feel that you're not progressing quickly enough. I don't know what you're reading, but the first time I started reading about grief is when our first daughter died suddenly back in 1972. Everything I read then was that two years was fairly normal for grief and I never even heard of complicated grief then. Six months is not far into it at all and it all depends on so many different things, everyone is different and has had different relationships, different experiences.

Don't leave this site or any others when you need it the most. I haven't posted very much at all because I am suffering from complicated grief plus benzo withdrawal and I'm such a mess, I feel people will just run away from me and don't want to hear about what I'm going through every day as the symptoms get even worse the lower you get on the drug. Withdrawal alone can cause severe depression but for me, losing Dennis is what I feel the most and people who have gone through the withdrawal keep reminding me what it's doing to me.

After Dennis died, a friend arranged for a social worker from their church to come to my home and when she heard about my multiple losses, the first thing she said was, "you're suffering from complicated grief." I told her so many of the losses were long ago but she said it didn't matter. Many other professionals told me right away too that I was suffering from it. It doesn't have to be multiple losses, it can also be one severe loss which Dennis was for me. Now I know for me that it's really true, Dennis was just one too many for me and the worst and something I just never thought would happen. In my heart I felt all of the other losses and traumas would have prevented this.

Anyway, I don't want to get into all of it about me now, I just want you to know that you are not in any way abnormal. I belong to some other groups but they didn't compare to this one. Others would post how they felt in the other ones and they'd be ignored or even in one instance, told off and they were just reaching out. One person literally said no one cared and she was just going to end it. Thank God I was able to get in touch with her and we spoke that evening and she promised me she wouldn't do anything that night, the same thing the next night...long story but she's better now. Still depressed but has a lot of family support. Another woman I defended in the group stopped posting there completely. It's very sad, but our world doesn't know how to react to people who are in pain, be it grief, definitely not withdrawal even though it's from a prescription drug that was prescribed for the grief...I never heard of it before this, and on Oprah the other night, our soldiers returning injured from the war. Oprah asked if they were angry and they said not about his injuries but the way they were treated. People abandoned them when they needed them the most. I'm seeing it all of the time and it's so sad.

I know this is so jumbled but that's the way I think nowadays. I just wanted to let you know that you have found a safe place and while I've rarely posted, I've come to know many of the people on this board and they're really here for each other, let them be here for you too.

Love, Gail

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I want to add my voice to Lainey's and Gail's and say that you are so normal.. there is no set time limit, what we feel, when we feel, it is what it is. I have been through so much in my life and have never experienced the kindness, the support, the understanding, the tolerance, the wisdom that I have here on this site. I agree with Gail, that the world for the most part would rather just sweep all the darkness and pain under the carpet.

It breaks my heart that you are feeling and thinking this way. I think the more we as humans can be real and truly state how we are feeling and doing will lead to great change in how he world views loss and the ensuing pain and healing and more pain and more healing. Melina, I hope you rethink and find the courage and just let it flow out of you here.

I welcome you here however you are feeling, for how long, it does not matter to me. I agree with Gail, and encourage you to not give something up when you need it most.....it is a sad sad reality but even some people who are professionals in the therapy world do not know how to react around people in a lot of pain. I can not say enough good about this site here and Marty, truly an angel from God in my thinking!

I have beared my soul here on this site and not that long ago was feeling the pain of loosing Melissa unlike I had never felt it before. I was not told to leave this site or that i was bringing anyone down but rather I received nothing but support and messages from people thanking me for being so honest, so open, it helped them get in touch with their own courage. Oh Melina, there is no right or wrong way, there are no rules to follow.

I will miss you a lot!

Courge and Blessings, Carol Ann

[melina]

Thanks everyone. I know you're all there for me and...well, for all of us. I just hadn't expected such an intense setback. This really sucks - pardon the expression.

Melina

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I am so sorry for the unexpected pain that is part of this path. It does suck! It is unfair! I am so relieved to see another post from you. I want to acknowledge your courage and I am PROUD of you. I wish I could tell you that it will never happen again but I can't. It is my belief it is a life-long committment and path to travel and face, one fraught with unimaginable pain and sorrow, which I believe needs to be expressed, and then we see life as something we want to engage in again, and even feel joy again, and each time the pain blind sides us it is a little easier to face because of the wisdom we gained from the last time.

I look at my path in grief and loss as every bit as sacred as any other path in life. It deserves my attention and greatest of care. To me, when I allow myself to face the pain head on and find the courage to express it and lighten my load; I am respecting the life that Melissa and I shared together, and I am respecting "me" I am giving myself the "gift of healing" and I know my Melissa rests in even "greater peace" knowing I am allowing this "gift" to myself and "us"

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I am so sorry for the unexpected pain that is part of this path. It does suck! It is unfair! I am so relieved to see another post from you. I want to acknowledge your courage and I am PROUD of you. I wish I could tell you that it will never happen again but I can't. It is my belief it is a life-long committment and path to travel and face, one fraught with unimaginable pain and sorrow, which I believe needs to be expressed, and then we see life as something we want to engage in again, and even feel joy again, and each time the pain blind sides us it is a little easier to face because of the wisdom we gained from the last time.

I look at my path in grief and loss as every bit as sacred as any other path in life. It deserves my attention and greatest of care. To me, when I allow myself to face the pain head on and find the courage to express it and lighten my load; I am respecting the life that Melissa and I shared together, and I am respecting "me" I am giving myself the "gift of healing" and I know my Melissa rests in even "greater peace" knowing I am allowing this "gift" to myself and "us"

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Queeniemary]

Melina, my dear, whether or not you realize it, you need this forum more now than ever. We all march to a different drummer as they say, meaning we are all unique, and what happens for one does not necessarily happen for another. There is no time table for this grief thing, no six month suddenly I am better, or 9 months I hit a wall thing. We all experience it differently, and this forum, I believe, is not for just the positive, but a great way to find out that you are not alone in experiencing this unique thing called grief. This roller coster thing called grief is so unpredictible that no one can possibly tell you how you are supposed to feel at any time. We are here for you, we are all in different places, but we have all been where you are now, and suffer for you.

At over 1 year out, there are days that I think I am just fine....moving on with my life, actually having fun at times...then a wave will hit me, and I am once again back in the early days of grief. It does not last as long now, but it will, I think, happen for the rest of my life. Will I be able to enjoy life, and laugh and love...I don't know, I think so, but I am still a work in progress. I am a different person than I was just over a year ago, so I am just taking it a day at a time. I will be thinking of you, and praying for you to get through this particular bad spell.....and you will. and you are right...it does so suck!!!!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Dimcl]

Please don't go away, Melina. I know it sucks. I know it's horrible and you probably just feel like hunkering down and dealing with your pain your own way. But, you know, someone like myself just three months into this horrow show, doesn't just need hope and optimism. We need to know what you're going through and we need to be able to talk to someone like yourself who is further down the road, and who can help guide us and whom we can learn from. I know that you probably don't feel one fig like teaching anybody anything right now, but please help us nourish each other. Hugs.

Di

[Steven]

Hi Melina,

I wanted to add my support for you staying. Sometimes I'm not sure I should post about still hitting a low sometimes even 5 years post my wife's death--I don't want anyone to think that six months after the death of a loved one, that it could still be going on just as bad four years later! It does hurt still, but it does change. Of course loss is still no fun, but it is now bearable and I do have fun these days.

Hang in, type out how you're feeling and dealing here, and it may help. It surely won't hurt, and you'll likely get some feedback that will help or let you know that others understand and empathize.

Hope and optimism are nice components of these forums, but they are only part of the reasons for coming here. Having people that know, people that care, and people that will listen, are other good components, and I think good reasons for you to continue to share your voice here. I hope to see your name here when you dry up--and in the days leading to that day. ~ Steve

[Sharon3]

I have missed this site and realized it helps me so much through this process..........If nothing else, for me, it is this way. It is only because we loved so much that we feel such sorrow and I am sure none of us would have given up on the love so we need to allow ourselves to work through the sorrow. We have all been promised by others that the wonderful memories will take away the sorrow one day and I hope they are right..................In the meantime I allow myself to feel the pain when it comes. Hang in there...we all hope for a better day.

Carol Ann you inspire me with your spiritual perspective.

[kayc]

I have heard it said time and again that the six month mark was one of the hardest...but that's not a definitive time, it can be five months, seven months, whatever time that approximate six month mark hits us. It's not the time factor so much as the stage of the journey...it is when that shock wears off and reality sets in, family has gone home, maybe we've gone back to work or feel a different level of "expectation" is applied to us. Friends have gone back to their lives and we're alone with the reality that when the door opens, it's not them coming in. When the phone rings, it isn't them calling. This is when the "six month" mark hits. As for getting better or worse, it's going to be different for all of us. How close was our relationship, what was the quality, how intertwined were our lives and responsibilities, how many years did we spend together, how resilient are we, etc. etc. etc. There is no set answer, it will be unique to everyone, so it's best not to compare ourselves to anyone else or to expect any certain thing to happen...it is what it is and it's up to us to put in our efforts on our grief journey and continue working on our adjustments and our personal furtherance...no one can do this for us and it is, in the end, up to us ourselves. Try not to worry about what's to come, just take it a day at a time and know that you will get through it.

[melina]

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and friendship. I've been going out of my mind with grief tonight - and I mean almost literally out of my mind. It was more than I could humanly manage, so I ended up taking two tranquilizers - which I have tried to avoid. I wonder too if it could partly be due to the fact that a few days ago I stopped taking the antidepressants I was prescribed. I've been on them for a year now, but I cut down on them gradually, so I can't see how this could have set off a panic reaction of this intensity.

Today is our eldest son's birthday. Alex is 27 and after I spoke with him on the phone, I broke down sobbing inexplicably. I kept thinking about his birth, how nervous his father and I were and how long it took and also how happy we were when everything went well in the end. I remembered him as a toddler on his dad's shoulders. And most of all how secure and happy I felt with my husband there with me - we were parents together. I realized that I'll never have that again. I couldn't hand the phone over to Alex's dad and let him offer his birthday congratulations. I couldn't talk with my husband about the upcoming move - when Alex and his new wife will be moving back to Norway. I'll have to greet them alone, help them move and get settled alone. I can't offer them carpentry help or advice like his dad would have.

This is the panic thing. I don't think I'm cut out to be the matriarch of the family. How can I be there all alone for my four sons and the grandchildren who are to come? How can I do this all by myself? I'm so lonely I could scream. In fact I did scream in the car on the way home from work today. I'm going to look like hell tomorrow morning with my puffy, red eyes. This is simply more than I can take.

With all this, I tried desperately to figure out who I could talk to and cry to, who I could call - but there is no one who knows me that well and who would understand and be able to make me feel better. My husband had that role. This is pretty much the only place I can come to. I know people here have said that it will get better. And it did get better - but now it's worse. Am I even making any sense?

Someone mentioned in another post that they were searching this site for something positive. I'm sorry I can't offer anyone anything positive right now because this is hell on earth. I'll probably regret this post tomorrow. In fact I hope I do because that will mean I'm feeling better.

Sorry again for this rant.

Melina

[kayc]

Melina,

If you don't mind my asking, why did you go off the antidepressants when you're still so fresh in the grieving process? Could you talk to your doctor about how you're feeling and ask their opinion? I wouldn't go by just how you're feeling today, but overall...how does today stack up against the whole picture...the last month in general?

Try not to worry about being the family matriarch...maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself, expecting yourself to fill a certain role when it's not expected by your kids. You have to remember that young people socialize much differently than we did in our day. Today they use Facebook to connect...and their pictures are on line, not in albums...so much less is expected from the parent than it was in our day. If you're available for them when they call on occasion and you get together now and then, that's really all that's needed.

It sounds like your trip down memory lane with your son's birthday triggered some things...that happens sometimes. Tomorrow is another day, you'll get through this one and it'll feel better, you'll see!

(((hugs)))

Kay

[LostmyHoney]

Melina,

Im so sorry your feeling this way but You are not alone. Ive been trying to plan my move back home and it has proved to be very stressfull, I just feel like giving up. I cant even seem to leave my house lately except for work.

I got a post card from my oldest son today in wich he quoted me..."life is too tiresome to waste energy being angry" he was such an angry teenager/young man(28 now) and to know he heard me, left me balling like a baby. My Honey always told me that he would come around on his own time.

Rachel

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I hear and validate your cries of pain. Being the Pharmacy professional I am I do want to offer my thoughts on your choice to come off of the anti-depressant's. Please know it is your right and choice and I am not wanting to suggest or tell you what to do. I do however want you to think on if you came off at reducing dose that you composed yourself or was it done under the advice of a Pharmacist, for they in my opinion know best how to wein off of any drug with the least amount of side effect and without risk to go into even a deeper depression. Just a thought I want to offer you is all.

Happy Bithday to your son Alex. Maybe it has been the knowledge that his Birthday was coming is another reason pain started to show up in your face again. I am so sorry for the pain Melina. Birthday's, Anniversaries, holidays, all these will bring all the pain right to the surface again. It is normal Melina. Sadly it is indescibably painful but so normal at the same time. I do want to offer you the hope that one day a Birthday will come and you will all feel nothing but warmth and comfort in rememberance of what you all had versus what you all lost. Unfortunately, no-one can tell you when this happens, pin-point an exact reference of time. It just is so in time, however much and however long it takes.

I know the utter lonliness you speak of Melina. I wish I could make it so you did feel it and take it all away for you. Sadly, I can not and only offer my understanding and support, and a long distance electronic HUG.

I hear your fears that you do not think you are capable of being the matriarch of the family. Ever since your Thyge has died you already have been. IN time, I hope you see your strength that you show to us consistently. I am thinking of a poem that I am going to give a link to in hopes it speaks to you as it did me.

You are making total sense Melina. IN time, you will find and let people in who you can call, who you can share with, I did and I believe you can too.

I want to close by thanking you for the trust you have bestowed upon us and feeling like you are being negative and post anyhow. That takes courage, that takes a quality that a matriarch would have. I see nothing but positive in your post Melina. Acknowledging your pain, allowing yourself to feel the pain sharing your pain,is being "positive" AS painful as this is Melina, it is also healing, it is movement along this path. Each time the pain blindsides us, it feels less painful and easier to move through because each time we learn, we lighten our load, we express our pain, and we attain more healing. I am moved to tears just now thinking on how positive your post is and how it is a huge step in your healing.

I give you a standing ovation and I hope you will join me.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

The Oak Tree

by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr

A mighty wind blew night and day

It stole the oak tree's leaves away

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark

But still the oak tree held its ground

While other trees fell all around

The weary wind gave up and spoke.

How can you still be standing Oak?

The oak tree said, I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two

Carry every leaf away

Shake my limbs, and make me sway

But I have roots stretched in the earth

Growing stronger since my birth

You'll never touch them, for you see

They are the deepest part of me

Until today, I wasn't sure

Of just how much I could endure

But now I've found, with thanks to you

I'm stronger than I ever knew

[melina]

Thanks again everyone. Things are still hard. I read in the Widow to Widow book that Sal suggested and it said something about the 6 month mark being a time that can be experienced as a major setback but is really just a prolonged dip in the road. But it doesn't have to be 6 months - it can also be later. I hope this is temporary, because I'm feeling very bad.

Several people asked why I chose to go off the antidepressants right now. I've gained some weight, so I decided to taper off. Not a good idea, I think. Maybe my emotional blow-out was partly due to that. I wish I could manage without medication, but maybe this isn't the right time to cut them out. I went back on them and will wait before tapering off again. I'll just have to eat less, which is probably the cause of the problem anyway.

Last night I went to my grief support group and for some reason the two people leading the group decided we were each going to talk about the time between the death of our partners and the funeral. This was a very traumatic time for me - and I can't see any reason why we should have to use the group to dredge up traumatic stuff. That doesn't seem very professional. I listened to one person tell about her experiences - which were all very nice and good and beautiful. She lost her husband a year ago and had her whole church practically looking after her throughout the first couple of months. After that I just got up and said I couldn't stay, and I left. Was I wrong to do that?

Melina

[kayc]

Melina,

I don't think it's ever wrong to do what you have to do. You know best what you can handle and what you can't and to sit and listen to that was more than you felt you could do...there's times in our lives when we tolerate "stuff" to be polite...when we are deep in the throes of grief, however, is NOT the time to do so...we have to behave in a way that is self preserving, it's just a must for us to get through it. Yes, everyone's experience is different...some people have support and help, some people do not. I have a GF that has so many people helping her, it's been much easier for her than for me...she has people doing yard work and working on her vehicles and doing house repairs for her...I have not had that, I just have me to get myself by. Yes it's hard to watch sometimes.

I wouldn't go off antidepressants without my doctor's supervision, in fact usually they tell you not to. But it'd be easier if it was at a time in your life when you felt things were more manageable.

Cutting back on food isn't the only answer...increasing exercise is sometimes easier...it boosts your metabolism and energy and also helps you feel better and more optimistic as it releases hormones that help our well being. Even just walking can be a big help. But it certainly helps to be aware of what you're eating...using a smaller plate helps. Eating at the table and giving your meal undivided attention helps you realize you're consuming it...it's very easy to do mindless eating and not even be aware of it when we're watching t.v. or driving. Eating natural unprocessed food will do a better job of filling us and tiding us over. Eat from the different food groups and a variety of different things to get all of the required nutrients. There are so many things that contribute to overeating (I used to be a Prism Weight Loss Director, forgive me...) I could make a whole list, but I'll try to just name a few. We eat to celebrate, eat for comfort, for reward, to relieve boredom. We even put fat around us as a safe barrier if we've been raped. We eat to fulfill other's expectations ("come on, have some more, what's the matter, don't you like it?"). We eat because of our upbringings ("I'm giving you until such and such time to eat everything on your plate or you're getting a spanking!") or "there's starving people in China". That's the one I used to hear...I never understood how my overeating helped others not to starve! When we overeat, we are actually abusing ourselves, so why is it people push food at us? It's a confusing thing in our culture. We think we're doing a good thing by pushing food, but is it? Anyway, I could spend a lot more time on this, but I won't bore you with more...just suffice it to say that there are so many contributing factors to being overweight...as many reasons as there are people. As a person who has struggled with weight for years, I know! We think we're "free" if we can have what we want, instead of realizing we're in bondage to that which controls us, and true freedom comes from self discipline! The important thing is self-awareness...learning to know and recognize when we're full and quitting then rather than continuing to eat and for the wrong reasons. It takes four hours to digest food so if it's been two hours since you ate, you know you aren't hungry, so then you have to ask yourself why you're wanting to eat. What need is it you're trying to fill with food and what would better fill it? we are spiritual and emotional and sometimes we try to feed ourselves with the wrong food...physical when what we're needing is emotional or spiritual fulfillment. It's pretty common when we've lost a spouse to see a change in our weight...either we lose weight because we don't feel like eating or we gain because we're not paying attention to what we're doing. Gee, all of this stuff is a good reminder to ME!

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I believe this pain to will pass for you. I really encourage you to not compare your path to what is written in books. For myself, the more I was able to surrender to the pain and not try to run from it, or distract myself from it, the more I was able to move through it when it came.

What your choice is in regards to medication is yours alone to make. My only caution is to involve your physican and a Pharmacist and not make decisions in this area on your own. That is the professional side of me that wants to encourage you this way.

I don't believe you did anything wrong by leaving Melina. It is your right to do what is best for you. I can share for myself that I ran away from talking about finding Melissa dead, also a very traumatic experience for the longest time. I did find when I was able to stay with the fear and put words to it and talk about it then I felt like a burden had been lifted and healing occured.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[melina]

Thanks Carol Ann,

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow - so I'll discuss the meds with her. Apart from that - I just hope this setback passes soon. It's become pretty exhausting.

Thanks again for caring,

Melina

[kayc]

Melina,

What Carol Ann said is true...the one thing I've learned through all this process is that you cannot circumvent the pain of grief. There is no way around it, but straight through it. But you do get through it.

Wishing the best for you...

Kay

[melina]

Thanks Kay. I just wish I could get through it a little quicker.

Melina

[kayc]

I remember all too well feeling that way...

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

You are very welcome. I know it is just such a difficult path after we loose our spouse. The pain at times takes our breath away. I am 7 years out now Melina and I do not have pain so bad now that I can not function. What I find now that comes are tears of joy in realizing what I had versus what I lost.

We will all be here for you Melina as you keep going on. That always helps me to think on that I have my GH family that supports, understands, and cares for me.

One moment at a time Melina.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann