Dad's Sudden Death

[trying2Cope]

On January 21st, my father passed away suddenly while on his way to work. I was at work when I was informed of his death. Since 9:00 that day, my life has been changed forever. Its so difficult for me to describe the feeling. It feels like I literally have a hole in me, like part of me has died, like I am closer to death myself. Is that weird? My Dad was only 59 years old and its very difficult for me to grasp all of this. I am 28 years old, and have a 4 year old daughter. My thoughts are so jumbled. I think about him often, which I know is good, because he was my father and I loved him dearly. I have friends who have lost parents, and they say that it does get a little better over time. I just can't believe that at this point. I have my moments, moments of frustration, anger, pure sadness. I know I have to put one foot in front of the other but honestly how? I worry that sometime in the future I'm going to have a question for him, and he's not going to be there to answer it. My nights are really hard, I've been crying myself to sleep almost every night since his death. I try to think positive. For instance, while 59 may seem young, some people don't get to live as long as he did. He was a father to 4 daughters, had 3 grandchildren, and led a happy life. I should be thankful for that. However there is a bitterness in me, the feeling that I have been robbed. I hate it. I searched for a forum so I would have a place to vent. Any advice on how I can try my best to get through this in one piece? Thanks in advance...

[sunstreet]

I am so very deeply sorry for the loss of your Father. I know this pain too. I remember feeling the same as you when it first happened, like I had the huge hole in me, like I was closer to death myself, exactly, I understand. I don't think it weird at all. I think it very normal. I remember also feeling like I was in some kind of dream, surreal, like I was in a tunnel or something. It was very frightening. My Father had Alzheimer's and I stood alone by his bedside for the last nine days of his life. I did everything I could to ensure his comfort and even though I knew death was coming, when it happened I still went into shock. I believe this is where you are at now, in shock.

My best advice is to let yourself feel your pain when it comes, don't try to hide it, push it away or pretend it is not there. For now, it will be all you can do just to take care of the basics. Get lots of rest, try to eat a little, and drink lots and lots of water. If you like writing, I recommend that you keep a journal.

You have made the first step by posting here, welcome.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[niamh]

hi trying2cope,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad. I lost mine suddenly aswell in Dec 09. Sometimes I still feel truly stunned at how real it is.

What you say and feel does not sound at all weird. I remember that very moment I realised that was it, my Daddy was gone and my life changed forever, I really felt part of me left with him.

I don't have any words of comfort for you, I just don't think they exist. All I can say is to just be very kind to yourself now and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel..........there is absolutely no feeling that is wrong.

I don't think it matters what age a parent is when we lose them, we are always robbed of extra time, an extra chat, an extra hug.

For me I try not to think of the future, it's too scary thinking of an entire lifetime without him........I try to just get through the next few seconds, next few minutes, sometimes it's hard to do, other times I feel so overwhelmed that I can truly only live in this very split second, right now.

I hope maybe you will find some tiny comfort here knowing others can sometimes relate to how you feel. I know I felt a little relief just to know someone else could agree with what I feel.........I don't feel as alone when I know that I am not the only person in the world feeling a certain way.

We are all here to share with each other and I don't know how I could have survived this last year without everyone here.

sending you much love and a big ((((hug))))

Niamh

[nanasbaby]

Im so sorry for the loss of your father. Everyone's situation is so different and there is no right or wrong way to react to the loss. My mother passed away on December 26th. She was 83 and had been very ill since September. I still feel robbed. I cry every night and I say that I only had her for a short time. Im forty one. My children are 7, 9, and 11. To lose a parent suddenly is something I cannot imagine. I can tell you that your child is a blessed distraction from the sadness at least thats how I see mine. No matter how sad I am, I have to keep going for them. But its hard. Its only been a month for me so Im still afraid of what lies ahead...I wish you peace and comfort.

[2sweetgirls]

Trying2cope,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. It is difficult at any age. I agree with everything that everyone else has said. What you are feeling is completely normal. We have all felt it or still feel it. For me it's been since 11-09 since mom passed and 10-10 since dad passed. I feel like it's still a dream. Can they really be gone? I know they are but, it is so unbelievable to me. I describe my grief - everyones is different - this way:

Imagine you're walking on a beach, peacefully, with your feet in the water. All of a sudden a huge wave suddenly, out of nowhere, comes and knocks you down and drags you out to sea. You are under the water struggling to find the ocean floor to get your footing. Only to realize you can't find it. I hope this makes sense but this is how I describe my pain. The feeling of drowning out of nowhere.

I agree 110% with Nanasbaby - your child is a blessed distraction. My 2 girls are for me. Actually, when I am having a moment sometimes the 2 1/2 year old will come around the corner and just flash me a smile or say "I love you, mommy". Instantly, I am back and going on for her (them). It makes me smile because the baby looks and acts like my mom. Oh, how they loved both of their grandkids.

I can only describe my first months after mom passed as numb. Her death was really the first close family member to pass (I didn't really know my grandparents they lived overseas). I don't really remember much of it all. Now that it has only been a few months since dad passed, I am a little more aware of what is going on since I already had to deal with mom's death. The pain is always there. My husband, who is extremely supportive, tells me that it's all still fresh. If it's still fresh for me at 14 months since mom's death and 4 months since dad's death, it's definitely really fresh for you and a complete shocker.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. You have definitely found the right site. We are like a big family brought together by our own grief. I think I would have been in a different place without it and all the wonderful people who come here and share. It makes you realize that you are not alone in your thoughts. You can share anything - really anything at all - and no one will judge, just support.

Sending you big hugs!!!!!

2sweetgirls

[BellaRosa]

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I lost my mom this past November to lung cancer and I think I'm still in shock. Everything you said makes perfect sense, and I don't think any of it is weird. I think back to those first few weeks, and at the time I didn't really feel like I was in shock, but looking back on it I realize how truly out of it I was. Be patient with yourself and face the pain head on. Cry as much as you need to. Maybe try keeping a journal? I write to my mom and it helps me to get things out of my head.

[hello123]

So sorry for your loss, I totally understand what you're saying about being feeling robbed but at the same time lucky. My dad was 50 and died suddenly, everyone says I should be thankful for the time I had with him because my brother was only 7, and we should be thankful he didnt have to suffer. So on one hand we feel grateful, some people have worse situations I went on a young peoples messageboard and there were messages from 15 year old children who had lost both parents, but on the other hand the majority of people live beyond 60 and people have their parents until theyre really old so we have been robbed. When I get really angry and upset and feel robbed, I just think of how much worse it is for some other people, not dimissing what has happened but in the moment it makes me feel a teeny bit better

[trying2Cope]

I'm overwhelmed with all of your responses. Thank you so much. I now know I have somewhere to turn to. This feeling is so awful. I despise it. I'm doing my best though to get by. I am laying in bed, crying again, but that's the usual. I am trying to think positive. I am just going day to day. I'm having a hard time seeing everyone else move on with things and I'm still stuck. Its tough being back at work. I just want to grieve. I don't want people to try to cheer me up. Do you know what I mean? I do feel like I'm in a tunnel, a nightmare. All I can do is sigh. My daughter is the best though...her smile gets me through. The night my dad died, we came home and I just turned to her with tears in my eyes and said "I miss grandpa.". She came over and wiped my tears and gave me a hug. The sweetest thing ever. Thank you to you wonderful souls. I'm glad I joined this forum. Take care everyone.

[niamh]

I'm glad you feel you have somewhere you can turn with all this horror trying2cope.

Just know that your best is all you can do. I know in the beginning it felt like my best wasn't enough for some but it's all you can do. As far as I am concerned to be still breathing every single day is a big step when trying to deal with this, so good for you. You are entitled to lay in bed and cry whenever you need and want to, there is nothing wrong with it.

You say you are back to work already, that is HUGE, how much more can you be expected to do. Just remember that this is YOUR grief, your pain and nobody in this world has the right to tell you how you should, feel, think, what you should "try" and so on.

I completely get you with not wanting people to cheer you up. I had to take a step back in the beginning from people who just didnt "like" or agree with how I was dealing with everything. They wanted more from me, SO much more that I could not give, they wanted to make me laugh, cheer me up. I just tried explaining to them that this is not a bad day I'm having, it's not a bad week, month year that I will just get over and move on from .....no it's life changing and all I can do is learn to live with it. I had people say I had to try, try to laugh and so on ......but all I needed was them to listen and not judge my outlook on life, this world etc.

On a bad day in my old life, yeah someone trying to cheer me up was a good thing but now unless someone can bring my Dad back to me they really cannot fix this, no matter how much they want to, they cannot fix me. It's not something to be snapped out of, it's simply something we have no choice but to live with.

I don't think you are stuck at all, look at all you are doing, getting up, going to work, looking after your daughter ......all of that while grieving for your Dad.....grieving is a full time 24 x 7 job. I know other members of my family didn't take this as hard as Mom & me (I'm an only child so no siblings).....it was hard at times to see my Dad's brothers, other family who were close to him just carry on as normal, of course they miss him terribly but their entire lives were not destroyed by this, whereas for Mom and me, life literally stopped for us that day.

I'm glad your little girl helps you through and just know that we are all here too whenever you feel like writing, venting, anything.

sending you a big Daddy Girl hug,

Niamh

[dimason1987]

Hello,

I spent some time searching last night for a website for griefing a loved one and saw your post. We have something in common. My father passed away suddenly on January 20th, 2011. A date that will forever change my life. He was an active, healthy, 66 yr old man who died in his sleep after complaining of heartburn and taking some tums. I am a 41 yr old mother of 4 (kids ages 19/7/4/1)

I'm not sure which was is up or which was is down. Questioning my Catholic beliefs of heaven and God. I feel like I'm walking around in a haze. My story is a little more complicated than yours. My father and I had a falling out on May 1st over my teenage son and my attempt of tough love. I was angry with him and chose not to speak with him and keep my little ones away for the past 8 months. He died not knowing I didnt think of our situation being forever and I needed time to get over myself being angry. I was seeing a Dr. and returned to church to find a way to forgiveness. But God had another plan and yet again my father sends me another life lesson. My heart is broken and I pray to God he knew how much I loved him.

I'm not sure why I am writing to you ... maybe to say you are not alone. I have good moments and then I hear a sad song and sob uncontrollably. It definitely feels like a hole in my heart. And having four children / 3 of which will not remember him breaks my heart! I'm scared that 2011 is going to be a bad year. Wondering if I will die or my mother ... waiting for the next tragedy. Dreaming of him every night. Seeing his face in the casket and feeling his cold forehead on my lips as I kissed him goodbye.

Sending you hugs Trying2cope. I guess all we can do it make every minute count and take one day at a time ... good ones and the bad. Sucks! Totally sucks! I'm with you!

[trying2Cope]

Today was an ok day. That's really all I can say. I also find myself getting frustrated when I recall memories of him, like "Oh I'm never gonna hear that again!" and I sigh, or swear out loud. It just plain sucks. I also hate having to talk to people about how my Dad died. The fact is, we don't know why yet, haven't gotten the results, and I don't much care because he's still gone. Ugh. I want a sign from him. Am I crazy? Sorry, that's a stupid question. I believe that signs can be sent from above, I just want one now. I'm not patient. I want to KNOW he is here with me. I can't stand this lonely feeling, of wanting to see my Dad, and hear his voice. I'm crying now just thinking about it. Why is death so hard? My daughter is only 4 but I'm worrying about how she will feel when I die. Why am I fast forwarding everything so much? Sigh...again. Everything I do, or see reminds me of him. I think of him when I pull out of my driveway, when I am at work, I see the insulin that he used, when I drive home, on the same roads he drove, and again when I pull in my driveway. I guess thinking about him isn't a bad thing. It just torments me that I can't see him, that I can't hug him. It sucks. :'( I feel as this grief is growing, and just getting stronger. I'm praying for all those out there who have lost parents, or anyone close to them for that matter and is grieving. I haven't had to experience this kind of grief until now, and its awful, unlike anything I ever would have imagined. I hope I can get through this.

[trying2Cope]

I am so so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that you had a falling out with your Dad, and weren't on good terms when he passed. I know that I don't know you, but considering that you sought out a place to sort out your feelings and try to find some peace, tells me something. It tells me that you loved your Dad very much, and I'm sure that no matter what happened between the two of you, he knew that you loved him. I've found with this loss, that there are many things that will go unanswered for me. For these questions that I have, I am going to have to use my best judgment and that is just going to have to be the way it is. It is definitely not how I would have wanted it, but well I didn't want to lose my Dad either. My apologies if I'm not making sense. I'm basically letting my fingers run over the keyboard. I'm still feeling very numb...but of course it has only been 12 days. Do you find yourself thinking "13 days ago, all was right with the world." Well, I think you know what I mean. I'm just shocked, and depressed, trying desperately to put one foot in front of the other. You are in my thoughts. Please continue to be strong, and I will do the same. This sucks. That's all there is to say. I think I said that 100 times at my Dad's service. Let's try our best to find some peace.

[Anne3]

trying2cope, i lost my mom on January 22, 2011 and I too am feeling robbed. Everyday is a struggle. I can't believe in two days it will be two weeks. There are times I just want to curl up in my bed and stay there for a week. I go to work look after the kids and try to keep functioning but inside I am still a mess. I try not to think too far ahead because everything reminds me of mom. We went everywhere together with my kids so this is hard for them as well. I will be here to help you if I can as we try to put one foot in front of the other.

[forthemorrow]

trying2cope,

Oh God! *HUGS* I've just gone through nearly this exact same thing! My dad passed away suddenly on the 30th of January. He was 58 years old (sudden heart attack) I'm 30 years old with an 8 mos old son. For me, I just haven't accepted it yet. That first night was just hell on Earth, I couldn't stop shaking (actually, I've been shaking MOST days) but I just wanted to escape, have it not be what it was. I can hear my mother telling me (my dad always told me bad news) then I had to tell my one brother. There are things I can try to be thankful for. How it happened so fast and he didn't feel any pain; that it was a long time for him to live (even one hundred years ago...) and that my Dad had a really fulfilling last year: he saw his son get married, and his daughter have his first grandchild (& got to know him -- he was over 5 days before he passed). But it's excruciating, just the same. I can't seem to articulate how I feel. Numb. Like someone ripped me in two and took a huge chunk of me away. Like suddenly nothing has any meaning or makes sense. But on the contrary, how evermore important it is for me to really 'live'. And really 'live' for my son. It's freaking me about about my son losing us too, or losing him. My dad was my support network, second to my spouse. I don't know how I'm going to get by without him. But more than that, I can't stop picturing his final days. Today, in 1:29 minutes my dad will have died precisely a week ago... I keep thinking of all the things we had planned, and they're too painful that they just disappear and I can't remember what I was thinking about. And I know I don't want to remember it either. My mother is a very fragile person, emotionally, so it's complicating things. My father looked after her, primarily. I feel the most bad for her. Because she has to sell the house (too big, too expensive), their cottage (her weekend retreats) and the family business (which he ran solely). Not only did her spouse die, but she lost her job (retiring now), her home, and her extracurricular activities. I mean, she lost EVERYTHING! We're trying to do everything for her to wrap things up but even that is just too sad. Too much. And I feel like it's forcing myself out of my grief. Activities are good, but this all seems like too much. I feel like I'm drowning every night. I can't breathe, my limbs are heavy and feel like dead weight. And even though he's gone, I saw his body, touched him, tried even to bring him back, and held his ashes at his funeral (& had his funeral), I still can't believe he is gone. Like how can he be? We all just saw him? We just had Christmas? All the future stuff, my son taking his first steps in our family house, my dad playing with him in the years to come, all that stuff we'd planned to do, Grampa and him. I feel sooooo cheated for my son. And my poor brothers didn't even have children yet (my brother has been trying for three months now...) and he'll never know them. And I really, really, really don't want to lose my s*** permenantly because of this. You know? Like it wouldn't be of service to him, or anyone else. And I'm so afraid that if I let in the reality of this, I might never emerge from how painful it is going to be. And I'm afraid of the time when I can no longer imagine things happening any differently than they already have. Right now I can't believe my dad actually died young. (I should mention his mother and father lived into their 90's and his older brother and sister and nearly 80. He was so, so, so young compared to the family's track record. WE NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD DIE THIS WAY!) Like I can't believe I suddenly don't have a dad, that I won't have one in the future. And there is so much to do, and people to remain strong for and support instead of myself, that I just keep chugging forward even though I've run out of steam entirely...

[forthemorrow]

dimason1987,

I just wanted you to know, I had a falling out with my Dad. For 2-3 years or so, about 5 years back. He loved you, I promise you that. And he knows you loved him. That you were just angry. My aunt actually died suddenly (at the age of 50) which is what brought us back together. And to remedy things. What you did, when you did it, you had to do for yourself. To get to this place now. He knows it wasn't about him. My spouse has told me this a lot, to try to help me. Because _I_ still feel guilty. Especially for the Christmas I missed out on... I think we always feel guilty for something... I'm scared of those things too, that my mother is going to die. I mean, she could have died if my dad had his heart attack a few minutes later (they were about to get in the car and drive home) but I'm afraid she isn't strong enough to get through this. I can't remember how my Dad looked now, in the coffin. But I can feel how cold he was, through and through. For whatever reason, it's easier to accept he was cremated in that box, than it was to accept he's actually gone. Augh, it is soooo much! PS I think I've said Sucks! Totally Sucks! Like 15x even yesterday! LOL!

[forthemorrow]

I am so so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that you had a falling out with your Dad, and weren't on good terms when he passed. I know that I don't know you, but considering that you sought out a place to sort out your feelings and try to find some peace, tells me something. It tells me that you loved your Dad very much, and I'm sure that no matter what happened between the two of you, he knew that you loved him. I've found with this loss, that there are many things that will go unanswered for me. For these questions that I have, I am going to have to use my best judgment and that is just going to have to be the way it is. It is definitely not how I would have wanted it, but well I didn't want to lose my Dad either. My apologies if I'm not making sense. I'm basically letting my fingers run over the keyboard. I'm still feeling very numb...but of course it has only been 12 days. Do you find yourself thinking "13 days ago, all was right with the world." Well, I think you know what I mean. I'm just shocked, and depressed, trying desperately to put one foot in front of the other. You are in my thoughts. Please continue to be strong, and I will do the same. This sucks. That's all there is to say. I think I said that 100 times at my Dad's service. Let's try our best to find some peace.

Sorry, trying to reply in everything in this strand. Yeah this is a kind of grief I've never experienced. One I can't set away either. Like, with grandparents or extended family, it was painful, but not painful in the way that it altered the landscape of my everyday life. I could have my moments of ignorance. Gramma is at her house still, my aunt just isn't visiting right now. This is totally novel and terrifying as heck!!