Downward Spiral

[Lainey]

I have been on a downward spiral for the past few days and would like to know why I'm feeling this way. Many people have said that the second year is harder than the first one. I was hoping that for me it would be different. A birthday in Dec was the last first , I remember thinking that the journey should become easier.

Christmas in fact, was good, as was New Years with my family around me. Last year during the month of Feb. I was in a fog, so the romantic holiday wasn't even thought of. I am very aware of it this year and I assume that is part of the depression I am fighting.

Marty posted a website on mfh's topic "Valentines Day" which was very good and I will use some suggestions from it. That doesn't solve the problem that is hurting the most.. the physical hugs and cuddles and kisses that I am missing so much.

I realize the pain of losing a partner never goes away, but in time it should ease. I do have many days where I'm happy and can smile at the world, then something hits like a ton of bricks and once again the work begins to crawl out of the hole.

Maybe I have to be more patient with myself and accept that this process of grieving is a lifetime thing.

Thanks for listening

Lainey

[kayc]

Lainey,

The thought occurred to me the other day that there will likely never be another person who will "see me that way" and a feeling of sadness came over me...it's as if I've buried my romantic and sexual self...I have migrated into old-lady-hood, although I still want to keep young enough to have energy and enjoy quality of life (walking, hikes). I still want to exist in case there ever comes some grandkids...apparently I'll be a very old grandmother at the rate my kids are going. But for me, those days are over and I guess it's a "stage" that is now behind me. Yes, that is sad. I think we mourn things like this as well as the person.

You mention the second year being harder than the first...well I don't think ANYTHING compares to the early aftermath of losing a spouse...when you first get the news, planning the funeral, having to attend to details when your brain doesn't even want to function, and then there's the cleaning out their car and packing up their clothing and belongings, God that's hard, no matter WHEN we tackle it! The getting used to it not being their voice on the other end of the phone, or not being them that comes in the door. Getting used to sleeping alone (I still can't sleep in my bed and look how long it's been for me!).

But you mention the second year...could it be that we EXPECT the second year to be better so when it doesn't seem that way it SEEMS harder? A lot of times our expectation is directly linked to our feelings of disappointment and letdown. I remember feeling a sense of relief that the "year of firsts without" was over, it was like a milestone, that no matter what I went through, I wouldn't again have to survive "my first Christmas without George", my "first birthday without George", etc. But yes the second year was hard too and I don't think any of us expect it to be. The truth is, we're just not "over it" and it takes time, oh so much time, more time than we want to surrender to it, but it takes what it takes and we have to go through it and time doesn't matter, it doesn't stand still, it doesn't hurry, it doesn't slow down, it goes it's own pace and we are locked into it's agenda. The one thing we can know is, it will pass and we will somehow survive and it will get better, not worse, in the general scheme of things. Think of it as three steps forward, two steps backward...then when you have a bad week, you can know it's the "two steps backward" week, but look at the whole picture, you are moving in an overall progressive manner if you move three steps forward, two steps backward, so don't worry unduly about the backwards times, just keep living and breathing and let time do it's work and you'll eventually move through this journey...never exactly "over it", but through it, enough you'll find your new you, your new life, your new normalcy, if you can call it that. I know it's not what we asked for, but it's what we have, and we deal with what we have.

Hugs to you and best wishes for a better week...trust me on this, Lainey, you'll get through this, just keep breathing...

[sunstreet]

Dear Lainey,

I am sorry that you are in pain. I hear what you are saying that you'd hoped it would be ok after the year of "firsts" I think it normal to hope for that. Lainey, at just over 7 years out, I can tell you that for me, it has been ups and downs, the ups lasting longer and longer, the downs not quite so down. I have noticed too that when I do get into a "downward spital", my recovery time is so much quicker now.

Yes, I too found the article Marty posted in MFH's topic Valentine's Day very good. I would just like to acknowledge you Marty and say thank you for your endless support, resources, wisdom and your genuine caring and love for us all.

Lainey, I know so well what you mean when you say how you miss the physical hugs, cuddles and kisses. For me this part has proven to be the most excrutiating. I'll share with you some things that I do to try and help myself thtough those times when I am missing that most. None of them come close but if anything they help me weep about that part of our loss and get that pain out some.

First is my toy "Buddy Bear", he is a big white bear, perfect for hugging. Often, I will play "our song", hug "Buddy Bear" and just gently rock back and forth and not fight the tears if they come...I try to just let them flow. Second I have a body size pillow and I have three magic bags that I heat up and then strap them onto the body pillow under the pillow case and then the warmth of that is so very comforting for me. My cat also loves this and is always there too snuggle up to the pillow and he purrs and this adds to my comfort.

Lainey, sadly, I agree that greiving is a lifetime process.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Chrissie]

Thanks Kayc, your replay to Lainey helped me alot. I am kind of struggling with that first year vs second year thing and you helped me look at it from a different view.

Chris

[melina]

Lainey,

The fact that you have times where you can feel happy and smile at the world says a lot. If I can get to that point, I think I'll feel I've really reached a milestone, and so should you. When did your husband die?

Not sure how things were for you at six months, but I'm struggling quite a bit right now. At five months I felt not so bad, so it was kind of shock to return to feeling miserable a month later. But this has taught me not to expect too much, and if I chance upon some good days now and then, it will be a pleasant surprise.

I wonder if maybe our grief changes as time passes. For me the sheer panic has more or less retreated, but I'm left with a deeper sorrow and stronger sense of loss. Maybe the "unrealness" of the whole thing is wearing off and I'm forced to face the reality.

Melina

[Kat2005]

It will be 20 months on the 23rd of this month and I feel like I have taken more than 2 steps back. I do believe that the second year is somewhat harder than the first. During the first year you are so worried about making it through all the first. Especially not knowing what to expect. Now all the first are over and reality has set in. It is just so hard to grasp the idea that life as we have known is over and we now have to try to build a new life without our partners. Lainey, the hugs, cuddles and kisses are what I miss the most also. I have learned to just let the tears flow when they need to. I always feel better after a good cry.

Thanks for listening,

Kat

[kayc]

You are exactly right, Melina! Our grief journey evolves and yes 6 months is very hard and for the reasons you cite. Your choice of attitude is very good...it helps to appreciate the good days and not expect too much.

[PopPop]

Melina, I believe that you are absolutely right that our grief changes as time passes. I am into my eighth month of this journey and I to am facing a deeper sorrow and stronger sense of loss. I find that these feelings are most prevalent when I am facing one of life's challenges and I no longer have the support of my wife to help me through it. Another thing that I am having to adjust to is dealing with my emotions. From the perspective of a male at the tail end of the baby boom this is one of the things I struggle with the most. In the world I was raised in boys were taught to be the strong, silent type and keep our emotions in check. I now am feeling and experiencing my emotions unlike any other time in my life. It is like I am becoming a completely different person than the one that I have been for the last 40 plus years. All the best to you. Stay Strong. PopPop

[Queeniemary]

Laney,

I also believe that this grieving is a lifetime thing. I do agree, with others, that our grief changes as time passes. The numbness and disbelief lasted for me for several months, and the disbelief even longer. There are still times now, after 13 months today, that I look at his picture and feel the disbelief that Michael is not here. Out loud I will say to him "How can you NOT be here".

I have gone through all those dreaded firsts, and survived. I don't know for sure what the rest of this second year will bring on this roller coster ride, but for the present I am feeling a peace that I did not expect. Do not misunderstand, I miss Michael so much, and would give anything to have him here with me, but the crying times, and the gut wrenching surges of grief are briefer, and I am able to pull myself out of them, and get on with things. I loved him dearly and will always do so, but I can see that I will continue on with my life, and I want it to be a good one. I have hope for the future, which surprises me, and a desire to be happy. AND I do experience happiness, but always Michael is in my heart and mind.

We all travel on this journey to a different drummer, and cannot expect to experience the same as each other. What someone may experience at 4, 6, 8, or 12 months, will be totally different than what someone else will experience at those same months. We are unique and our grief is our own.

PopPop,I believe we are different people now, this journey changes us.

Well, I will get off this soapbox, sounds like I am preaching. I just feel so strongly that no one should feel they should be at any certain place emotionally at any certain time.

Praying for us all on this unwanted journey.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Lainey]

Thanks to all who replied to my post, my downward spiral is finally going upward again.

Kay.. thank you for your words of encouragemrnt. The early aftermath was definitely the hardest part to deal with. I think we must go into overdrive, then numbness takes over and we are able to get through the nightmare. Once the numbness left,and the "firsts" were finally over I had hoped the second year would be easier,now I'm realizing the void that has been left in my world. That too shall get better.

Carol Ann..Thanks for the ideas, I do have a small teddy that was given to Lars in hospice that I sometimes hold..I get a whiff of him from teddy. I also shake Brut(aftershave) on my mattress cover whenever I change the bed. It was the Aftershave Lars wore our entire married life.

Melina..I definitely had the six month aftershock as well as at nine months.You are so right, I think our grief changes as time passes. The anxiety and panic has passed, now there is just a deep,deep sadness and the realization that someone precious has been taken from me. Lars passed away Dec.11,2009..14 long months ago. I do hope you're feeling better.

Kat..You are right, the flowing tears are very cleansing and I too feel much better after a good cry.Maybe I'm going to have to get a little puppy to get some kisses and cuddles.

PopPop.. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Lars was also brought up in a house where boys were not allowed to show their feelings.In the last few years of his life he realized that there was nothing wrong in a man crying. I hope that you are able to release your feelings in whatever way works for you.

Mary.. Yes, we've survived the firsts and we will survive the rest, I'm hoping they will become easier, and if it is any indication from the ones that have been on this site longer,it will get better. I do have a sense of peace along with the sadness most of the time now. I loved Lars,always will, but at times the physical missing him is almost unbearable. And thanks for the soapbox lecture, it was wonderful.

Lainey

[sunstreet]

Thank you for sharing that you are in an upward space again. I so know what you mean about the "physical missing" ....I can tell you that at 7 years out...I still feel that missing...but is not as excruitating....any longer.

The ups and downs, the ebbs and flows, one thing remains constant it ever evolves....

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[debbylh]

I feel like I keep going down instead of up too. My husband died in Oct. In Nov. I had a Auction. In Dec. were the holidays. He never liked the holidays<(being around a lot of people). In Jan. I found a new home for my two dogs. Feb. was Valentines Day,(sad time). Now with March soon approaching I must put my house up for sale. I try to be strong. It isn't always easy. Got some new furniture, wich made me feel good. Being around people at work helps,(work at a Nursing Home). Take care, everyone & thanks for listening..

[abergsma]

"solve the problem that is hurting the most.. the physical hugs and cuddles and kisses that I am missing so much.

I realize the pain of losing a partner never goes away, but in time it should ease. I do have many days where I'm happy and can smile at the world, then something hits like a ton of bricks and once again the work begins to crawl out of the hole.

Maybe I have to be more patient with myself and accept that this process of grieving is a lifetime thing."I feel totally the same way Lainey!

Thanks for sharing.

Hugs

Allana

[Lainey]

Allana,

It's good to hear from you again, seems like some of us that started our journey around the same time don't post anymore. I often think of Jenna and the girl from Africa. I hope they're doing well.

I really think the anticipation of a special day causes me more stress and downward spirals than the actual day itself. Then there are just days that I wake up and know that I'm not going to have a very good day. Sometimes I force myself to get out and do something, other days I let the feelings come. Every day I miss the hugs, the cuddles and "I love you". That will be forever.

Lainey