Crying

[sunshine]

It has been months since Mom died and I have not been able to cry. I'm not sure if it's because I was her caregiver and I just had more time to prepare for her death? 2 years was a long time to prepare my self emotionally and mentally! I have flash backs to the last month of her life. You know I hear it in my head. Mom died at home and I never went into see her that last day. When I went in to see her after she passed Mom just looked so peaceful!!! I had no tears then or during funeral or since then. Do you think that that's strange? My siblings cry but not me.

[MartyT]

My dear Sunshine, I think you've answered your own question when you say that because you were your mother's caregiver you "just had more time to prepare for her death ... 2 years was a long time to prepare my self emotionally and mentally!" The fact that your siblings are crying in the wake of your mother's death while you are not may stem from those very differences.

I'm hoping that you'll find this excerpt from an earlier post to be helpful:

As for not being able to cry, that too is not unusual. See, for example, these articles:

Sibling Loss: Unable to Cry , http://bit.ly/9rTjg6

Widow Asks, Why Can't I Cry? http://www.opentohop...why-cant-i-cry/

Mother Whose Daughter Died: 'Why Can't I Cry?' http://www.opentohop...why-cant-i-cry/

Shedding Tears, Healing Waters , by Drs. Blair & Rita Justice, http://www.uthealthl...tears-0426.html

I also want to share with you these noted authors' insightful statements about crying and tears:

Whether they are the result of joy or sorrow, tears are a response to emotions for which we can find no words. They reveal our most vulnerable self. When we cry we are releasing the pain of the loss, not the memory of the one we cherish. The most dramatic rainbows seem to follow the most severe storms. Now when my eyes overflow, I use a guided imagery technique to visualize my tears washing away the pain that I carry inside my heart and soul. And when they finally stop, I look for the brilliant rainbow of love and hope.

– Nina Bennett, in Forgotten Tears: A Grandmother's Journey through Grief

I used to wonder if there would ever come a day when I would stop weeping for my dead child. I thought of tears as a reaction to my feelings of deep grief. Gradually I came to realize that the shedding of tears was part of my healing, like a cool salve on a wound. My tears are my gift to myself, a way of physically acknowledging the love I have for my child, a way of saying, "I love you to the innermost depth of my being." Tears have an almost spiritual healing power, an expression of deep love for the ones for whom we weep.

-- Ann Dawson, in A Season of Grief: A Comforting Companion for Difficult Days

But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.

-- Viktor E. Frankl, in Man's Search for Meaning

[niamh]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom sunshine, I wish I had other words to say but there just are no words of comfort, nothing can cushion this blow.

I don't think there is anything strange about you not crying, anything at all you feel is "normal" and is ok now. Those tears may come if and when they have to. I've had times where I could feel it all inside since losing my Dad, but can't get the tears out but they come eventually. And even if they don't I wouldn't worry. Your mind will process all of this in your own way and however that is , is the right way and doesn't have to be the same as any other person in this world.

Just know that you can come here to this safe place and share anything with us, sometimes we relate to each other, we have similar (not exact same) feelings and reactions and others times we do things differently, nothing wrong with any of it. We are all unique just like our relationship with whoever we have lost and so unique too is our grief for that person.

((hugs)) to you,

Niamh

[Kavish]

I myself don't cry consciously. I let it happen if my heart will allow it. I live for the moment where I am peaceful and alone with the one who loved us.

Best of regards,

Kavish

[sunstreet]

Dear Sunshine,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother. I do not think it strange at all that tears are not happening. I was the only caregiver for my Father who lived with Alzheimer's. For me, I believe it was shock. I still at times have flashback's to the last nine day's of his life. Tears did not come for me till the 3rd anniversary of his death.

Sunshine, I really encourage you to not compare your self to your siblings, or anyone for that matter. We are all individuals with our own life experiences and the path of navigating loss will be different for each and every one of us.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone with having no tears come.

Thanks Marty for the resources.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[grace10]

Marty,

Thank you for your post. Your comments really rang true for me.

[sunshine]

sunstreet, thank you for your reply on crying. I very much appreciate the time you took to post. I will cry when i need too!! We are all different! Can't compare my feelings with someone elses. That is why God made us so unique! Some stronger some weaker! I believe and have faith. When Mom was sick I found my way back to my Christian upbringing. So something good did come out of Mom's death. Thank you so much and God Bless!!!

[keyboardplayer]

I feel that way a lot, where I can't cry. I lost my Granny Saturday, and we just got back from her funeral last night. I've cried some, but not like I thought I would. I cried when I went up and looked at her, and then I teared up at the funeral during the prayer and when a guy sang a very powerful song. I did most of the music for the funeral, and while I was singing the last song, I almost got choked up. I thought I would be a puddle when it happened, but we've had so many losses back to back that I guess there are no tears left.

[nanasbaby]

I can really relate to you Sunshine. First Im sorry for the loss of your dear mother. We had a few long hard months to prepare for e mother's death. I cried more during the anticipation than I do now. That doesnt mean I dont cry every day, but while she was ill I sobbed all the time from September until December. Two weeks before she passed away, I was told she could pass away at any time and I cried very hard. However in that last week, something in my heart told me it was really time. When I got the call we all dread, I was calm. Looking back I dont know how I made it through the last day..I got the warning call at 9am...but it was not official until 5:53pm. Those hours were spent crying, praying, but still calm. When I saw her on the day she was laid to rest, she looked beautiful, peaceful.

Your tears may or may not come but that wont stop the love you have for your mother.