Walking Backwards Again

[melina]

I'm probably repeating myself here from another post, but I'm feeling pretty low these days. I've been reading, now and then, a book called Widow to Widow, recommended to me by Sally on this site. It mentions the 6 month mark where many people start "walking backwards" in their grief and wonder if something is really wrong. The author says that it can happen at any time and happened to her around two years. She says that when it dawns on us all the things that we're going to have to do or go through without our partners, things suddenly seem harder. She also says it won't stay that way, but it's tough nonetheless.

It's been seven months, and I feel like I've been walking backwards for about a month now. Maybe it's all the things I'm now having to do without him. Maybe it's the thought of living the rest of my life without him, or even just getting through a summer. Here in Norway we have five weeks of vacation - and at my job we're required to take four of them in the middle of the summer. What on earth am I going to do for four weeks? Everyone at work is chattering on about their plans for the summer. If my husband were here, I'd be thrilled. We'd be making plans, I'd be looking forward to them now, preparing, talking about them. Now I just dread the thought of it.

I also think of the milestones I'll have to get through without him. And I feel so bad for him - that he'll be missing them. Our eldest son is returning to Norway with his wife after several years abroad. Thyge would have been so happy about that - we would have worked together to help them settle in. Our second eldest is graduating from a university in Canada with honors in June. It was a trip Thyge and I were going to make together. I'm proud of my son, but I dread standing there without his father. He would have been so proud. I can almost hear what he would have said and seen how he would have reacted.

Life just doesn't appeal to me any more. Before it seemed short, but now it just feels endlessly long and empty. Has anyone else stagnated at this point and then moved on? I know I keep asking - does it get any easier - but does it? In your experience - those of you who've been here a while - will this pass?

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Melina, as we all know, there is no normal, or timeline for this thing called grief. You are working through your grief, and each of us experiences it differently. I agree that it seems at times as if I am walking backwards. On the 13th of this month it will be 14 months for me, nearly double your time, and yes I still have those walking backward times. They do come less often for me, but Michael is always in my mind. Our community theater is in rehearsals for "South Pacific", I am one of the stage managers for the production. My Michael had played both Billis (1989) and Emile (1998) in previous productions, and the first night of my attending rehearsal brought back so many memories, I found tears running down my face. Took me a couple of days to get over that particular SUG. The only thing I can tell you, is that eventually you will have more "forward" days than "backward" days. At least that is what has happened for me. You have many things to look forward to, your son and wife moving back to Norway, and your other son's graduation. I know how you will miss having Thyge with you for these times. I can't tell you that what you are feeling will totally pass, but at least for me, it did get better.

Just keep coming here for support, this site has been a blessing to me.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkanas.

[Lainey]

Melina,

As hard as this journey is at times, it really does get better.

Lars has been gone almost 15 months now,and I still think about our life together every day and wish that it hadn't been taken away. Now the pain isn't as severe, not the gut wrenching grabbing kind of pain that makes you physically sick, but a very deep sadness that I carry in my soul all the time. Sounds awful, I know, but there is a joy there also if that makes any sense. A joy, that I was able to spend 41 years with Lars, that we were able to love each other as deeply as we did, that we had 3 children together and I am able to see Lars through their actions.

The main thing I think that all of us have to do is realize that our life as we knew it has changed. We have to remember our lost ones with love and happiness and learn to move on regardless of how long it takes. The fact that Thyge has been gone for only a short time is making it more difficult for you, don't feel there is a time frame on grief, as I've learned there isn't and any thing can trigger all the emotions . Most days there is one or two tiny reminders that Lars isn't here and I become very sd. Thankfully those feelings don't last as long anymore.

I hope this helps you a bit.

Lainey

[melina]

Thanks guys for replying.

I went to my grief counselor today. It always makes me feel a little better - just like coming to this site. I've been feeling so much guilt that it's been weighing me down. I keep thinking of the stupid things I've said and done, or things I didn't do and say that I should have. And it's too late to do anything about it now.

She forced me to pick out a few good memories and then asked if these were memories that involved me doing or saying something that could cause me guilt now. To my surprise they weren't. They were just good memories: going out for walks, picking berries and mushrooms, planting bushes in the yard of our new house, making dinner together and talking about our day, the few little trips we took together just to be alone without kids. I guess I just have to try to suppress the bad things and hold on to the good ones, but it's not easy. I'm kind of a pessimist.

It's days like this, when I come home from work and the house is dark and quiet, that I feel so alone. I know I should be happy I got nearly 30 years with a man I loved and who loved me back, but I had hoped for more...

Melina

[Lainey]

Melina,

Don't supress the bad things, you have to deal with them to be able to move ahead.Of course hang on to every good memory you have and cherish them.

Lainey

[Chrissie]

So nicely put Lainey. My beautiful memories of Tim & I are what keep me going. Melina, I'm happy for you that you were able to think of the good memories the two of you had together and Lainey is right, it really does get better. Most of all, remember we are all here for you.

Chris

[LostmyHoney]

I know I should be happy I got nearly 30 years with a man I loved and who loved me back, but I had hoped for more...

I think my Honey could have lived to be 137 and I still would have hoped for more... I imagine its like that for many of us here.

(((hugs)))

Rachel

[Cheryl]

Melina,

I found an article that Marty wrote on www.opentohope.com. It's title is, A New Year and the Burden of Guilt. Marty does a great job explaining how guilt is a natural part of grieving. What I really liked was her tips on coping with guilt. I've practised many of them and it's helped me get through the things I can not change.

At 6 months the fog lifted and I was fully exposed to the reality that everything was changed. I was in so much pain and I didn't know how I was ever going to feel better. I was angry, sad, lonely, scared, depressed and impatient. I was following everything the books told me to do. I was going to a support group. I was functioning on the surface and dieing on the inside. What I relaized first was that only I could get myself out of this mess. I began to take very small risks, and I mean very small. I sat in the sunshine and dared myself to enjoy the warmth. I took the dogs for a walk and made myself feel the cool, crisp air. I forced myself to do things that used to make me feel better. It was painful to start feeling anything other than grief. I was on a constant rollercoaster. Forward and backward through emotion, pain and despair. Glimpses of hope and back to pain again. But very gradually the steps backward were not as far and not as harsh. Learning who I wanted to be was very hard, because I wanted to be the same person I had always been. I still fight myself on excepting that I can be happy with Mark gone. I learned you can not put a timeline on it and you have to keep fighting. Resting is a part of the fight. Constantly try to be aware of what is helping and learn to rest your soul when it screams at you. I can tell you that it does get better. I can't tell you when. I know that you won't give up but that you are very tired of grief. I read all your posts and I think you are doing a great job facing life straight in the face.

Big hugs and love, Cheryl

[melina]

Cheryl,

It helps to know you've been there too. It's a much tougher process than I could ever have imagined. I'll try to look for something that can give me pleasure - or at least some other positive emotion to give me a break from the grief. I know what you mean by functioning on the outside but dying inside. That's exactly how it feels. I do all the things I have to do but find no solace. Maybe today when I walk the dog I'll try to notice things in the woods rather than cry and feel miserable. Thanks.

And thanks again to all of you for being there for me....

Melina

[danosgirl]

Melina I know exactly how you are feeling , its almost 7 months for me since I lost my Dan and I have been having the very same feelings of hopelessness. I have very overwhelming emotions and feel like I am just not wanting to live my life without him. We had so many wonderful dreams and plans for our future together its impossible for me to think Ill be able to have any joy in my future. Dans son started highschool this fall and he joined the football team, Dan Im sure is so proud of him and wouldve been so excited to go and watch his son play. I found myself sitting on the sidelines of Andrews first game and talking to Dan threw the whole game , people probably thought I was nuts but oh well and like you I can always j picture just what he would say or how he would sooooo have loved to have been there,,,,, but you know what in my heart I know he was there. One of things Ive discovered is that everyones grieving is very different but I get such comfort from knowing there are others who share some of the same experiences I am going through it makes me feel like I am not quite as much of a freak. I certainly never expected to be a widow at age 41. Please know that you are not alone and please take your husband with you when you go to your family functions like your sons graduation. It helps me to take Dan with me when I go to such things and when I have a day with something he would have enjoyed I talk to him and tell him all about it. Im not sure if my posting will help you at all but I hope that it does,,, take care and God Bless Barb!

[Deb625]

I know what helps me is I have a ring of Michael's on my finger... It could be a picture in your wallet, a piece of jewellery that is special, a stone you picked up on the beach together... I find it helps to have something I can touch - a little something of his (or yours that he gave you) that you can have with you to simply remind you that your spouse is there with you... I don't think I could get through half of what I have, without that ring on my finger (I might add that it is too big and threatens to fall off and get lost). For whatever reason, it helps me - a little piece of him to know he is there with me, through all my many challenging moments... So when I "do" something Michael should be here for, or see something he should be seeing - he is there... Just thought I would share. Take care, Deb

[kayc]

Melina,

Yes it's a particularly hard stage, but time does pass and so do the stages with it.

I wouldn't say you're going backwards, as if you haven't made any strides, you have made progress through your journey even when it doesn't seem apparent to you or feel like it...there is none of this you'd care to repeat, but you're getting through it all the same. I wish none of us had to experience this. I wish we all could put our lives back together to the "before". Even my son told me just this week that he wished George was still alive. My son was 17 when we married, but he was so close to his stepdad, he mourns him still, even after all these years. How I wish I could go back to those happy times.