DVLocker Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 I thought I had worked past my grief until month 6. I didn't start going backwards though I froze in time. I feel like I am taking up space for no reason. I know it is because I spent so much time caring for Sally's every need and now, it's just me. I stopped answering phone calls and letters. The few true friends I have left have to force me to leave the house. [Most of our friends abandoned us when my spouse became so ill.] I have locked myself into my own safe world (or purgatory). If not for my job I am sure I would be in worse shape than I am. My employer has to force me to go home. I have tried planning what I need to do on weekends then when Sunday comes I find I have not left the house. My question is not "how long" but, what do you do to get that spark back into your own life? Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 Hi Dave, It will be a year in a couple of weeks and I, like you and most folks on this board, struggle with how to motivate ourselves to live fully, how to deal with ambushes, pain and sadness...we are all in the same boat. It is a long lonely walk but I do believe that finding something you feel a passion for helps. I started taking painting lessons and publish a small magazine...they are distractions if nothing else and put me in touch with others. Volunteering at a food pantry, taking lessons in something, joining an astronomy club...whatever...something that has a group of people helps a lot...then ask one of the group to pick you up for meetings or vice versa. It is a long road...six months and you are still coming out of the fog...one day and sometimes one hour at a time. Sundays are the worst for me so I enrolled our dog in classes so that he will be a therapy dog soon and i can take him to hospitals and nursing homes on Sundays...It is all hard and not what my husband and I planned. Friends abandon. Days and evenings are lonely....you are not alone...know that. We are all in the same boat....Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DVLocker Posted March 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 Mary, my friends suggested I volunteer at a physical rehab or hospice because of the care I gave my wife. The hospice nurses knew I could handle anything. I think about looking into this but, then I am afraid it would be the wrong move at this time. I make my to-do list every weekend and hope some day to follow through. God Bless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 Dave, I'm sorry to hear that you lost your wife, and the friends left. That is one of the harder things to face during a time when you need as many people around to help you. I'm glad you have a few friends that are able to get you out, even though you would rather not go. I was lucky to have my family and Lars' family around for the first month or so. Once everyone left it was like I was in a foreign land...nothing to do, no one to look after( I was the caregiver also). Walmart became my second home for a few months until I realized I was buying and returning. I went to a Grief Share program and started to understand exactly what I had been through and what was ahead. I took up walking in the gym and volunteering, did a bit of redecorating. Anything to keep busy. You have to find things that you can enjoy doing to fill your extra time. Be gentle with yourself at the same time. This is a very hard journey we are on and it takes work to keep our health. The other thing that may help is coming back to this site often. We are all on the same journey and understand what you're feeling. Many of the people have been a great help and inspiration to me. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DVLocker Posted March 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 Lainey I tried a grief share group after Sally passed but, found it made me angry to be there. I know it was the wrong group but, I didn't want to try another after that. I don't let anyone in the house anymore. At one point I was going to paint and decorate then I just couldn't do it. I still have things as they were in September down to what I was going to cook. Not to say the perishables are still here or I don't clean. I am so afraid anyone seeing this will think I have lost it or try to make changes I am not ready for. I keep telling myself "I see what I am doing" so I am not crazy. I lost a lot of weight as Sal got closer to the end but, I take care of myself. As a caregiver I learned to keep my health up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 Dave, why not just go once to volunteer...see how it feels. Do not make a long term commitment. I am involved in the protests in Wisconsin and the group knows I am doing this on a day to day basis. I can't make long term commitments right now but I can do something for a day and then another day perhaps. Might work. It is all tough...just plain tough. I hate it all but I do not want to sit home either....trying to balance it....I take tiny baby steps and then twenty backwards of course...then forward...then backward... Addendum: How about seeing a grief counselor? Hospice could direct you to one. May be one on one would feel good. I did that and it helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 Dave, First Hello, I'm glad you posted it's a positive you are aware of some issues you need to work thru...Second, I'm going to be plain and straight to the point with you and I hope you don't get upset with me....I have/am going down the same journey as you just a differant path as we all handle this our own ways, you have to face some simple things, ask yourself would Sally be happy seeing you not take control of this and move forward? more than likely not just as my Ruth would not be happy seeing me at a total stand still....little steps is what worked for me, don't overwhelm yourself with unrealistic expectations start little take them head on, conquer it then do it again and soon you will see you are making progress...also the helping others is a good method as mentioned by others, I find when I help others I have a good feeling and it helps....I pray you will find some answers and comfort, I find that positive energy, memories, and knowing Ruth will never leave my mind and soul keeps me going and moving forward one day at a time.... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 Nats, you have someone else in your life and that may be helpful to your being able to move forward, but not everyone chooses to or has someone or it's too soon for them. I find that after all this time, I still struggle a bit with the motivation thing. I tend to hole up too much. I agree with the others here that it's helpful to get out, to find something to do, to have a plan, to not be alone all the time. I have to force myself. But then I'm not just grieving George, but so much, I find that everything that's happened in the last few years has kind of compiled to form one giant grief that I'm trying to deal with. With my job/commute, it limits my options someone, I live in a rural area and can't afford the gas to do extra traveling. Saturdays I have to stay home and attend to chores that I don't have time for during the week. That leaves Sundays, and I attend church so at least I'm out of the house. I try to have a neighbor over once or twice a week for a couple of hours. But I too don't feel a lot of motivation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DVLocker Posted March 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 I am afraid I will get close someone that is one of the things that keeps me in. I don't feel I want to go through another lose or put someone through what I went through some day. Plus in my mind I am still married. One thing that put me in this state of mind is when my wife's friend approached me weeks after the funeral. I banned her from all contact I didn't know what else to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DVLocker Posted March 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 My job is helping other and I love it. Sally tried to get me to keep my social life but, I would not leaver her side. Not even Hospice could get me to take a break. I knew if I was not here she would be with strangers. Hospice kept checking me for Care Giver Syndrome but, I was fine (or did a good job of hiding it). This started long before Sal passed. The particular Hospice we chose didn't contact me or offer me counceling until 4 weeks after my wife passed. They came to me in my ANGER stage and I told them to little to late. I regret it but, felt let down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissie Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Dsve, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost Tim 13 months ago and although it is better, I still struggle with the lonliness. Yes, I am able to laugh and smile again but there are times when my whole body just hurts from missing him so much. Give yourself some time and don't be afraid to grieve. You stated you turned down grief counseling and now regret it. Why don't you contact hospice and tell them just that. They are very understanding and caring people and my grief counselor helped me so much. Also, remember we are all here for you. I'm sorry that I had to find this wonderful group of people by what we are all going though, but I'm very blessed that I did. Chris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Dave, I feel I had more motivation to do things just after my husband died. I got a few things fixed up in this old house we bought. I painted, bought a cabinet which I put together, etc. Now I can't be bothered to do much, but it might be I'm too tired after work. It has helped me to go back to work. At least it's a distraction, though I find I dread going home again, even though I've got a teenager and a dog to care for there. I do housework when I need to, but only when I really need to. Weekends are hard - an endless stretch of time. Often during the week I'll think, I'll do this and that during the weekend. But when Sunday night rolls around, I find I haven't accomplished anything at all. I tried a grief group, but it also made me feel worse - so I quit. I've had a lot of anger and bitterness issues. Where I live, here in Norway, there are no other groups available. But I do go regularly - once a week - to a grief counselor. She has been a lifeline for me. That's where I pour out my despair and in turn she listens, reassures me and offers a little guidance. I figure that I'm out of the house for the many hours I'm at work, plus I work out at a gym with my son three days a week. I also need to walk the dog daily. Maybe that's enough for now. I have no family to support me, but do have a few good friends. Still, I don't really feel like being very social. Many of my contacts are through the internet. I come here, for instance. This is my grief share group. I also like to write and have been in the same online writing group for many years. They've become friends and a source of creativity and motivation for me. There is no pressure to perform or pretend. I'm hoping I'll become more active with time - when I'm ready. Volunteering somewhere feels impossible. How can I give when I feel empty inside? For now, very little holds any appeal for me, since all I really want is to be with my husband, and that's impossible. Do we need to force ourselves to do things we really don't want to do yet? From what I understand, physical and emotional exhaustion is common in those who are grieving deeply. Don't we need some time to heal and rest? Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cris Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Melina Dont be hard on your self you are doing great! It will be 4 years in June that I lost my Larry! The first 2 years are a complete blur to me. They say sudden deaths will do that to you! I dont remember much and thats ok! The last year and a half have been tough because its like reality setting in! I decided last year to sell my house and move closer to my daughter. Otherwise I would have probably never went through his things! I make my self go out here and there, I to walk the dog and go to work and feel tired alot! Grieving is very hard work! Like they say you only grieve has deep as you loved!! And I loved Larry sooo much! I quess Ive come a long way but I still cry alot for him! Some days are better then others. Everyone tells me Im doing better or is that what they want??? I have no idea most days. I dont post much but wanted to tell you to take your time and dont let anyone push you! Most people mean well but they just want us better! Im trying to learn to live with the pain. I dont think well ever get over it! I know I wont! Keep doing what your doing ypur doing great! Posting here will help you! I wish Id had this site in the beginning but Im glad I found it. Take care of you! I pray for all of us here that we all fing peace and happiness . Cris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 What do I do to get the spark back? My best advise is to grieve. It will take many forms. Try them all. Which means, go ahead and isolate, scream in the car as loud as you can, cry all night long, lie on the floor in a ball and curse, write long letters to yourself about what you feel, search books for comforting words, listen to music, look at pictures. Rest, sleep, cry again. Get up every day and accomplish one task. Stare out the window, flip the tv channels, write some more, cry some more. Eat. Rest. Sleep. Actively facing and feeling your loss will weaken it's hold. At some point you will be ready for a small step out of grief. It might be a walk around the block, coffee alone in a coffee shop....but you will have gone out in public! Take a step away from the pain when you know it's what you need. Invite someone to share a meal. Only you can choose the path. It's a curse and yet a blessing. Your pace, your life, when your ready for something more than grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DVLocker Posted March 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 If I am alone I can't be hurt again. I know it has only been months and in time the memory of what we went through will fade and I will come out of hidding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 There's more than one way to hurt...being alone so much is one of the top ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb625 Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I thought I had worked past my grief until month 6. I didn't start going backwards though I froze in time. I feel like I am taking up space for no reason. I know it is because I spent so much time caring for Sally's every need and now, it's just me. I stopped answering phone calls and letters. The few true friends I have left have to force me to leave the house. [Most of our friends abandoned us when my spouse became so ill.] I have locked myself into my own safe world (or purgatory). If not for my job I am sure I would be in worse shape than I am. My employer has to force me to go home. I have tried planning what I need to do on weekends then when Sunday comes I find I have not left the house. My question is not "how long" but, what do you do to get that spark back into your own life? Dave Hi Dave, I'm so sorry for you loss. In understanding our loss, our grief, our lonliness and sometimes anger we allow ourselves to grieve and I feel we must. However, as Nats said, we also have to think would our spouse want us to be living in such sorrow? It is difficult and I think we'd all agree that weekends when we have "more" time, it is harder... For me I write a very small list of "things" to do, if I get through them all it's a big pat on the back, if I don't, I be gentle and just focus that tomorrow is another day. From what I understand is by the simple act of "trying" to move forward, just placing one foot in front of the other, by reaching out and getting out of our own head that may lessen the intense feeling of loss, with that the spark may just one day come back - we can't plan for it,it just has to happen. It doesn't mean we will forget our loss, or that we won't feel our loss, just that we have found a little piece of ourselves that was perhaps hidden within the pain... Take care, Deb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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