Surviving

[kayc]

Day after day I go through the motions, I go to work, which thankfully occupies a few hours of my day and gets me around people and purpose...but then I go home to this empty house full of pictures of him and I in a happier time, full of his things, as if he's going to come home any moment and put his hat on or his jacket. I see the loveseat where we sat cuddled up many a night, the place he always sat at the table, his CD's, his treasures. It was HIS home as well as mine and it is full of him and memories of him...and I wouldn't want it any other way. A therapist might say I am prolonging the grief by keeping all of this around me, I say who cares what anyone else thinks, it's STILL his home and I WANT to keep him close to me! It's all I have any more, that and our memories. I see other couples, other men in the world, and no one even comes close to being the kind of a person he was, I realize how very special he is and how very lucky I was to have him. I say "he is" because I know he still "is"...he just isn't able to make himself manifest to me right now, but someday we will be together again and that's all the hope I have. I go through the motions of eating and taking walks and taking care of myself and attending to business...when I'd really rather kill myself and be done with it, but I know I can't and it'd be a terribly selfish act because I have people who love me. But they don't love me like I love George and their loss would not be as great as my loss is and they'd get over it and move on with their lives. I guess that's what bothers me, I CAN'T move on with my life! I am stuck here in this unrelenting grief and seeming hopelessness with all of the piercing pain striking through to the heart of my soul. You can tell by the time of this posting that I am not able to sleep much and it's getting me exhausted, yet I can't see the point of taking sleeping aids when nothing is going to change in my life and I'd have to take them for the rest of my life. How do I do this? I've worked so hard at it, tried to make friends, spend time with people, I've cried my heart out, over and over again, I've talked to the counselor, I've asked God for help, I've read, I've written, this is incredible work and in the end I am still left alone with my pain and this empty spot inside of me where once he filled. I know I was loved more than any woman in the world has ever been loved, and I know wherever he is he has to love me still, why isn't that enough? Why is it that I can't be happy with that? Sometimes I just want to die inside for the missing of him, missing his holding me, missing our sharing, missing my buddy, my best friend, to do everything in life with me. How is it that life can be so rich, so wonderful, one minute, and the next, it is reduced to a life sentence without hope? I guess to outsiders it appears we are surviving, if you can call it that...but is it really survival? I guess it depends on your definition. I looked it up and it says "living beyond the life of or continuing longer than another person"; I guess by that definition, we are survivors. I thought it would say something triumphant like "one who continues in spite of everything"...in that sense, I am not sure I would qualify, only time can testify to that. I am sorry this isn't a very positive post tonight, I guess my emotions get in the way of everything...I know they aren't very reliable to go by and yet they are so strong-willed, they demand to be heard and won't relent. What do we do with all of this pain? Besides...survive?

[WaltC]

kayc

Sometimes I quote the part(s) of a previous message that are particularly meaning to me - that I can personally relate to.

In this case I would have to quote the entire post.

Your post expresses my feelings exactly. I would just replace the words "he/his" with "she/hers" .

You are absolutely right when you write who cares what others think/say about what we should be feeling.

I am sure that they mean well and want to be of some help.

I don't enjoy this feeling of doom and gloom and I am not looking for sympathy from others, just a bit of understanding about what my 40+ year relationship with my wonderful wife means to me.

Thanks kayc, for expressing it so well. Writing about one's feelings does help and knowing that someone else has similar feelings is also a comfort.

I am sorry for your loss, but I do admire your strength and faith. It encorages me to carry on.

Kindest regards.

[kayc]

Sometimes I think you must feel alone because there aren't many men that write their feelings, but my husband was one who did, in fact, we met through writing...I had written a letter to the editor and he wrote to me and I wrote back and we clicked...if it was me who died, it would be him on this site expressing his feelings and grief, of that I am undoubtedly sure, he always reached out to other people.

Thank you for your response, sometimes I feel so alone and then I start wondering if I've driven everyone away from this site...I know it's not an upbeat topic and people like to have their ears tickled...I'm at the point where (7 1/2 weeks now) the phone has stopped ringing and the house is pretty quiet. Everyone has their lives and theirs have gone on...

[JCL]

Hi Kayc,

Please keep writing your posts. I read your posts all the time and I relate to every single word you say, even though my loss is my mother, not a spouse. In many ways though my mother was a kind of life partner. We traveled to Russia, New Zealand and Austrailia together. I have been to years of Broadway musicals and museums and concerts with her. Unfortunately, I made it to my forties without ever finding the right guy, who I could see living with the rest of my life. It just has not happened for me, but I relate to you regardless.

There are times that I have written things on these pages and thought "Oh my God, I am ranting!" Noone is going to want to read this angry, hopeless post. In the end though, putting things in writing is somehow cleansing. It may not always bring relief in that exact moment, but sometimes when I write down what I am sad or outraged about, even a few days later, it is like there is a processing going on in my soul and I feel a tiny bit better. Maybe some of that frozen, stuck energy in my heart actually moved a tiny bit.

I understand everything about wanting to keep the house the same, the whole thing. If you are ever willing and ready to make any changes in your house, you will know inside you that it is time. There is no reason why you need to do anything if you do not want to though.

Too bad we all don't live near each other. There are people who write on this website that noone wants to talk to them about their loss anymore and the phone has stopped ringing. I have been through similar experiences. I wish I could invite everyone over to my house and I would feed you and listen to all of you until you had said everything thing you wanted to say about the person you lost.

[Charlie]

Kay C,

Your post hits home. Those are my feeling too. My whole life was my husband. We were very private people who enjoyed each others company and now here alone without him life really has no meaning anymore. I would not wish this pain on anyone. My husband would not have been the kind to write down his feeling he would have kept them all inside and endure the pain all to himself. I would not have wanted that for him.

It has been 9 months for me since that terrible day and I am so afraid for the anniversary of his passing, how will I ever get thru that day? I guess you just do it and try to take another day under your belt. But each day now just melts into the next with no purpose to go on except I do not wish any more pain on my children.

Your words spoke for so many of us.

[spela]

KayC,

I read your post yesterday but didn't know how to respond. WaltC wrote what I would want to write. I just want to say that I feel the same way. And I'm SCARED - of my life, of all the years I have left and I won't see him, and sometimes I fear I can't do that. It's only been a little more than 6 months, and the thought of not being able to see him for years and possibly decades really scares me.

[kayc]

I'm scared too...and you've done six months already, wow, I think that's an accomplishment! People just don't know how hard this is until they've been there...and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

[ustwo]

I just returned today after spending several days with my DAD who's 81. I have to make the 3 hr drive to visit the grave...to visit my love and my mother as they lay next to each other. It's been 5 months since my mother passed away and grieving for them both is terrible. My poor father would wish me to fill in the void in his life...be company for him. And all I can do is rush back home. He doesn't understand that I have to be here. I feel closest to Gene here. I have to grieve alone. I want to be alone with my memories. This grief is all I feel inside. Whatever is left is nothing...no feelings....emptiness. I thank God my brother is near by to watch out for my father as I just cannot help him now. I don't know how to help myself. I've always been the responsible oldest daugher. I just can't be now. Gene is all that fills my mind, he's every breathe I take. KayC, as I stood with my father and arranged the flowers I brought thoughts ran through me that were exactly what you posted. My father won't have long to join my mother. But I could have years ahead to wait and I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do tomorrow. I really don't care about tomorrow or really anything. My name is engraved under Gene's with my birthdate awaiting my last date. And all I could think when I starred was.."How can this be real?" I'LL BE WITH YOU AGAIN GENE SOON AS I CAN.

I miss you.

Always Gene!

Always!