Weekends

[Syl]

How does one get through the weekends? I hate them. I hated them when my first husband died but I was working and volunteered to work every weekend. I am retired now and really don't want to go back to work but it is much more lonely on the weekends. The phone does not ring. Everyone is busy with their spouses. All my friends are married. I learned that no one wants a single woman around at a saturday night dinner. I am shy and do not find it easy to make new friends. When I do meet new people, I do not like answering all the questions about the deaths of my 2 husbands as I am afraid of losing control in an unsafe environment. Not so long ago I was invited to a woman's house for a cocktail party. I didn't know anyone there and when I was asked about my marital status I said "I am not married." It seems now that I send about 95% of the time alone and I know that is not healthy but what is one to do? Thank you again for letting me get these thoughts out. It does help. God bless you all, Syl

[MartyT]

Syl, dear, I am so very sorry for the double losses you've endured, and I can only imagine how overwhelming this must feel to you. I don't know how old you are, but I can certainly understand why, if you are now retired, the thought of going back to work is not at all appealing to you. I want to gently ask, Have you ever considered volunteering instead? One of the nicest things about volunteering is that you're not beholden to anyone ~ you do what you can do and what you are willing and able to do, and that is all that is expected of you. Any amount of time you're willing to give is gratefully received, greatly valued and deeply appreciated. I'm not suggesting that you jump right into something ~ only that you think about it ~ maybe do some reading about it, just to get your wheels turning a bit about what you might be interested in.

You might begin simply by reading the following:

Healing Grief through the Gift of Volunteering (Make sure you read the comments underneath the article also)

10 Reasons to Volunteer: A Complete How-To

Being a Hospice Volunteer

Why I'm a Hospice Volunteer

Searching for Healing through Community Service

[DVLocker]

How does one get through the weekends?

I had the same question when I first came in. I would make lists of things to do on the weekend and never do any of them. I found the more I posted about my attempts to get past the weekends the more I saw about me. Instead of lists I started a journal. This included things I needed to do on the weekend and why I didn't do them. I found if others told me to get out and do things I fought it but, if I saw through my journal what I was doing to myself...

Not to say I don't avoid doing all the things I could on the weekend but, I don't dread the weekend now. When I see that I am doing nothing I get in my car and drive anywhere away from home. I think of all I could be doing on the drive. This gives me enough space from the rut I get into that I can come back and move on.

[Anne E]

Syl, I understand what you mean. I used to so enjoy spending time with my husband. We didn't really do all that much and mostly just relaxed and refueled for the coming week. Now I just want the week end and the loneliness to be over.

I have been volunteering at the church for almost 2 years now and am getting to know people. I don't understand why these people never ask me to join their little groups. I ask about the group, say the Secret Sister and am told repeatedly they will get the information to me, but nothing happens. Another thing I don't understand is why other single women don't invite me to join them, say for lunch after church? They say to each other, right in front of me, are you going to book group on Friday? Does it never dawn on them to invite me? It's hard, I guess being new in a smaller town where relationships are already established is difficult.

These same women will ask me questions about how I am coping and I try always to tell them that it is hard and I get lonely. They sympathetically share their heads and make that tusk, tusk sound. I suppose I should speak up and say, "May I come too?" But it sounds so pathetic and I just can't make myself beg.

Because I have decided to just say NO to some volunteer work I don't really want to do like teach children's Sunday school, sponsor the youth group, guess they have decided I am selective about what I will do or something, I don't know. I do know that even when you get out there and volunteer and force yourself to join in, it doesn't always result in being included. I just don't get it. It's like it's terrific if I come and help, but they are not willing to include me. Does that make sense?

Here's the latest thing that really hurt! I played in the Handbell Choir for almost 30 years at the church in Kansas Dick and I attended. I KNOW how to play handbells. When I moved here, I saw there was a handbell choir and asked if they ever needed more players. They said they would be thrilled to have me play with them. So, I joined and started playing with them. Then, I needed to be gone for a few weeks to go back to Kansas and help care for an elderly Aunt. I was gone for about three weeks. They knew I was going to be gone and were aware that I would be coming back. When I came back, the bells I played had been give to another person who had never even played handbells before and there were no bells for me to play. I go to practice now, sit on a chair and watch and fill in for late people, absent people, whatever, but as soon as that person showes up, I am sitting on the chair again. It really hurts my feelings. It's like I don't matter, like I have no worth. That doesn't help my feeling like the ugly red-headed step child.

I am not a pushy person, so it is hard for me to even think about standing up and saying, "What's wrong with me? Why don't you include me? What am I doing wrong? Don't you see that I am dying here? Honestly, I am getting better, I don't cry ALL the time anymore! I don't want to do thing by myself! I want some company! I Shower and brush my teeth! I am a Child of God,too!

Honestly, I am a really nice person. I am kind to children, even if I don't want to teach Children's Sunday School! I love animals. I have a good sense of humor. I have been told I look and act younger than my 63, almost 64, years. I Want A Friend or Two!

It seems like life is an exclusive club that does not welcome new widowed people. It is as hard for a man? I wonder.

Anne

[west]

To answer your question no it is not as hard for a man. In my bereavement group most of the men are dating or have women who bake or cook for them. I guess the ratio is a lot easier for the widower.

[michelle5]

Anne, I undetstand how you feel. I have been attending church for about a year and a half. I started going shortly after my husband passed away. I dont have time to volunteer, though. With 3 children, I am lucky to have the time for the church service. I tried a bible study, but felt that I did not belong. Everyone already knew each other, and I completed the class to go on my own way. I am also shy, and dont meet people very well. I am 36, and am terrified of spending the rest of my life alone...my children will be out of the house eventually! How do you meet people??

Michelle

[kayc]

Syl,

I'm sorry you are alone so much, I am too, in spite of my working. I wish I was retired so I could have the time to get out more, but working fulltime, commuting a long distance, and keeping up at home leaves me very little time for any social life. I agree that it would be good to spend some time volunteering, it'd get you out around people, plus the sense of accomplishment for what you do is fulfilling.

I wouldn't necessarily say people don't want a single woman around...my GF is widowed and has a very active social life, and she doesn't date (in that sense of the word) but she does have many friends she does things with, both Male and Female. It takes a concerted effort though, and some find it easier than others...I, like you, tend to hibernate more.