Still In Pain After One Year

[redwind30]

Sunday was one year that I lost my wonderful husband. Needless to say it was a really bad day. I thought that since it fell on Easter, it might be a little easier, but it wasnt. The pain is so intense. It has been my goal to get through all of the "firsts". Somehow, I thought if I could make it through the first year things would start to get better. But, today has been a very painful day. I wasn't feeling well so I stayed home from work. It seems like I have cried all day. I miss him so much, I can't stand it.

He had less than one month to battle the lung cancer. He was gone so fast. The past year seems like a blur. I live in Florida, we had no children and my only relatives my brother adn his family are 500 miles away.

Does the pain and lonliness EVER go away? I fear I will feel this way for the rest of my life. I am only 51 and this is the 2nd time I have been widowed. I have had so much loss in my life, I have gotten to the point where I don't even HOPE for anything good to happen.

Please tell me, how am I ever suppose to get over this?

[mfh]

I buried my husband on Holy Saturday last year...so Easter is also a big reminder for me. I am just into year two as are you. I was warned by my grief counselor that the second year is sometimes harder. So far she was right. I feel hallowed out...gutted...alone (no kids-family far away and not much help)...I did not expect year 2 to be better than year 1 so perhaps that is making it a bit easier than what you are dealing with. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this horrendous pain and loss two times. I can't imagine that as I am just crawling through it for the first time.

We do not get over it..we get through it. I believe, and I am not alone, that we will miss our spouses forever and grieve forever...but I also believe NOW (I am just starting to believe this) that it will eventually not be as hard as these first two years.

I totally understand how it is hard to hope for good things to happen...I struggle with that also. This forum is a good place to share and get support....as you walk this path. We are all here for you....It has helped me to reach out to others in pain and to take painting classes as a distraction. mfh

[Mrs. B]

Hello, I am sending hugs to you as i couldn't even imagine going through losing a loved one not once but twice in a lifetime. I am into my second year and it seems to be harder to like my counselor said it might. Mfh, you are right about not getting over it but getting through it. The first year was a blur because I just didn't stop. Had to keep myself busy. The yard had to be done this and that had to be done. In reality who cared. It was cause my spouse had done it all the time and i didn't want it to look unkept. My son kept telling me mom you dont have to do anything but I did. Now that I have slowed down i find it harder cause i stop and think more often of him not being here and I miss him. His company at night, our talks or arguments, all in good fun just different of opinion. I was watching the Final Episode of Lost the other day with my son and seen it before but this time i cried. They said that they didn't leave us they just moved on. It kinda hit me like yeah he has. I'm going to be 53 this year. I'm now afraid that i am going to lose my parents which i know i am but just terrified of it cause they are here for me now. I go out to the cemetery quite a bit, Why , just because. I get anxious feeling now and then and crying spells to. Im lucky cause i do have children even if they are not close by and my parents. His parents kinda just faded out of my life. I still go see them at least once a month. With summer coming i will miss our drives and bbq nights . I drive more places then i did before , took up guitar lessons, done some remodeling on my house that never got finished. The pain eases but the lonliness is there still. Take care Mrs. B

[kayc]

I am sorry for both of you. Yes, it does get better...it doesn't entirely go away, and the loss is always there, there's that heart shaped hole in the middle of us with their name on it...but we get more used to it, if that's what you'd call it. I don't cry much any more...I guess I've learned it does no good and no amount of wishing changes anything. I've taken his picture down, and put it up so many times I've lost count...I'm not sure if it's a comfort to see it...or a trigger...maybe a bit of both. Right now, it's up.

I'm used to going home alone and nothing to look forward to on the weekends. I'm used to the eating alone, sitting in church alone and no one to help me get the lawnmower started or refrigerator moved. I'm used to having no one to cuddle up with or make cookies for. Sometimes I wonder if this is all there's going to be of life...and not sure I want to hear the answer. My kids are grown and off living their lives elsewhere...no grandkids yet. I know our lives have changed and we have a new normal...I guess that's what it's called. I try to enjoy life the best I can but sometimes am not real good at it. The best enjoyment I seem to get is my dog, I think I'd lose my mind if not for him.

[Cheryl]

Hi Redwind,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing such terrific pain and lonliness. I have come to realize that I am forever changed. I'm not sure I've truly excepted how permenant the loss will be. I think the second year is full of a whole new set of firsts. Now we begin the process of trying to rebuild our lives. I have had many new firsts and I must say they are very hard. But the holidays are now all seconds and that has helped tremendously. My best advice is to not set your expectations too high and take the second year like the first, one day at a time. Try new things no matter how difficult they are. There is a sense of great accomplishment when new hurdles are completed. Cheryl

[mfh]

Cheryl, right on. Your words speak of wisdom gained over time. I agree...taking one day, one hour sometimes, at a time in year 2 and 3 and forever is essential. I also agree that the firsts are different, the second year makes real what we are dealing with....it hurts in a different way and is challenging in a different day. No less just different...and continues to include deep grief over our loss.

[Lainey]

"Try new things no matter how difficult they are"

You're right Cheryl, we should try new things , but you need motivation to do that and I seem to have lost mine.Last fall I tried volunteering at a nursing home.. bad idea, thought about a job, then decided that weas a bad idea.

My first year is now a blur of things that HAD to get done as MrsB said. This year reality is settling in and the pain of loss seems harder to bear than before.Maybe spring brings out the worst.. it is a time of new beginnings. We loved to sit outside with coffee, him carving, me putzing in the gardens or reading. That is forever gone and I'm missing it like crazy.

Redwind, I'm so sorry that you've lost two husbands. One is bad enough but two.. My heart goes out to you.

Lainey

[melina]

Redwind,

I was wondering whether I had experience enough to answer this. I'm nine months out, but I understand what you're saying. My husband died from lung cancer too. He died about a year after his diagnosis, but his death was sudden. It came just a day after the oncologist told us he probably had at least a year or two left - maybe more with new treatments. For me, the shock of this loss took the better part of this past year. Sometimes it still feels unreal - like I'm having a really bad dream. Maybe that's how it's been for you too.

After the shock - the pain and loneliness settles in. And no one could have prepared us for the sheer magnitude of that pain and loneliness. I'm 52 - soon to be 53 - and the thought of having all these years ahead of me is pretty daunting. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by life to the point of hopelessness.

From what I've managed to gather from others who have been where we have - the pain and loneliness does get easier. I can't say if it goes away though. I think now that I'll probably always grieve to some extent. But maybe not as deeply. Who knows.

But what can we do? We're here, we're still on this earth. I figure there must be a reason for that - so I'm just waiting to find out...

At least you've got us and together we'll all pull through this somehow.

Melina

[Anne E]

It has been a little over three years since I woke up on a Monday morning to find my beloved husband dead. It had been a very long 5 years with his health declining, a double lung transplant with eight months in the hospital 500 miles away from home, family and friends. I had finally been able to take him out of the hospital to an apartment where we could continue his recovery with some privacy. He finally was appearing to be gaining strength and improving. We were actually daring to begin thinking about a time when we could actually go home; only to wake up and he was dead.

I don't think any of us suffer more than others, it's just our suffering and it is individually terrible and so very hard to deal with. I just can't believe you are so young and have had to do this twice. I was 59 when Dick died and am now 64. We both have a lot of life left to learn to live.

I totally agree with your grief counselor that the second year is worse, anyway it was for me. The first year, I was just in a fog, stupor, whatever. I was totally numb, physically and mentally exhausted, and my brain was so very vague and not firing on all cylinders.

In my second year, the numbness was gone and the true reality of what had happened to my life was so real. It didn't seem like I had any buffer to protect me from the fact that Dick was not going to walk through the door. Now I had no choice but to deal with what was left of my life. I was totally terrified and felt more alone than I did the first year.

Now that I am in year three, I can say that it does get better. It still hurts and I have accepted the fact that I will always carry with me some pain and loneliness. Some days will be harder than others.

My grief counselor asked me several months ago to think about how lonely I would be if Dick and I had not have a wonderful marriage, loved each other intensely and were not totally committed to each other and making a great life for each other. Have been pondering those questions quite a bit. When I sit and think about the questions, somehow my mind goes to specific times when we were together and were so happy. Those memories are a blessing and seem to fill my mind more than the loss. I am thankful for that!

I am blessed to live with my adult son and we are able to share. It is good for each of us. I am sorry that you are without the comfort of family close.

Finally, I have started volunteering a bit. I am blessed in that I did not immediately have to get out and find a job after I got back home after Dick's death. (The company where I worked for over 14 years, hired a new president and he "restructured" after Dick and I had to go to the transplant center. My job was eliminated. I carried our health insurance. I was informed 3 days before Christmas with Dick on life support that effective the first of the year, I was unemployed, regardless of the fact that I had been working via internet, telephone, etc. What a great Christmas present!) The whole world of work, holds no appeal to me anymore.

I am finding that being able to do work that I chose and being able to decide if and when I go do things has been helpful for me. I am also discovering that I am learning to enjoy time for myself. It's been years, and years since I gave any thought about what I might like to do for me. It's an interesting time of discovery.

Hang in there and know that we are always here to listen.

Anne

[Lainey]

Thank you for your words, they are comforting. People told me in the beginning that this nightmare gets better after the first year. As I said before, this year is worse, because the reality is so there.

Your words give me comfort and hope that maybe by next year things will be better.

Lainey