Feeling Guilty

[Mrs. B]

Hi , I have been doing some renovations on my 100 year plus old house that Rick was going to do all the years we were together but kept putting it off cause he said it didn't make money and was on the bottom of his list. They were jobs he started and never finished. So one room would be half done and another need moldings, bathroom tiles replaced and on and on. Well I have hired someone to do all those unfinished projects that I could not do and i feel sooo guilty for spending the money cause it is supposed to be for my retirement. It was what was left over from his life insurance after all our debts and funeral expenses were paid. I'm only 52. My pay check just covers my monthly expenses and I dont have extra to put in the savings. But i wanted to have it done. Mind you when i helped out my son with his rent cause he was going to school and had hard time meeting ends that was easy to loan to him on several occasions. He is finished school and i know once he is back on his feet he will pay me back. Its the things that i had done in the home. It looks nice now and im happy with it but why do i have this guilt thing going on. It was the same when I got the car. But i needed something reliable and the vehicle we had together definitely wasn't. I know when the kids were little and things were tight they came first and i never got myself anything new. Im just by myself now and I feel guilty guilty guilty. My stomach is in knots about it. My parents say it has added to the home if and when i decide to sell it and this will be my retirement savings. Has anyone else had this type of feeling or am I just a little loony. Look forward to any replies. Mrs.B

[Kat2005]

Mrs. B,

I know exactly how you have been feeling. I have also done some work around the house and have used some of the insurance money. I only used a portion of it but it still made me feel guilty using it. It was things that really had to be done but we didn't have the money to do them while he was alive. Everything that I did has made my life alot easier since I am the only one keeping everything up. I know Pat would be pleased with everything, it is just so sad that he is not here to share it with me.

Take care, Kat

[Mrs. B]

Oh thank you Kat for your reply.

[Guest Nicholas]

I wouldn't feel guilty, though various types of guilt generally follow a bereavement, or so the experts say. I have just finished selling off my late son's DVD collection, and feel sad about it but not guilty. It was either give them away or sell them, so why not sell them, I bought most of them in the first place for him anyway.

You're not loony, just grieving.

Take care

Nicholas

[2sweetgirls]

I don't think you should feel guilty. The improvements will add to the house and since you did it now you can enjoy it too. I think you deserve some pleasure, especially in your own home.

The guilt is something we all deal with no matter who we have lost. If it wasn't these things, it would be something else. I'm glad you are happy with the work that was done in the house. Most likely, when it comes time to sell the house, you would have to make those repairs anyway. In the meantime, you don't have to look at half done jobs.

I agree with Nicholas - you are definitely NOT looney.

Peace and hugs to you.

2sweetgirls

[BellaRosa]

I think we all feel some kind of guilt after a loss. You are definitely not loony! I think it was nice that you finished up all of the house projects, and I'm sure that's what your husband would have wanted you to do. I know it's hard not being able to enjoy it with him, but I'm sure he is proud of you for getting it done.

[Cheryl]

I felt very similar and thought it was guilt, but once I really took a look at what I was feeling it wasn't guilt it was fear. I was afraid that I was spending money on things that could wait/or do without since my future was so unsure and I no longer had my husband's income when I needed it. I was unknowingly petrified that I needed to save, save, save and not spend a dime, or else......fill in the blank___________. I couldn't trust my own judgement when I had always had my husband to say, "you're right we should do that!". My confidence in making the right decisions was shattered. So I started to analyze everything, compare prices, write down pros and cons, fret, worry and ask questions until I could finally feel good about the decisions I was making. I now have new carpet, a patio cover that doesn't leak, the holes into the attic are patched and the roof rats can no longer get in, the laundry room is dry walled and has a light switch. The sprinklers are all repaired, the pool pump is finally fixed and the tree with wood bores has been removed! My life is so much easier and instead of having all these loose ends over me I can sit back and say my house is now in really good shape. I still am afraid of making the wrong choice and running out of money, no one to help me if I do, but I try to balance those fears with pride. I'm proud to be moving forward, making choices I would never have made and learning along the way. My husband would be so proud!

[Mrs. B]

Cheryl, Thats it. You have put it in perspective for me . Fear. The future being unsure. Thank you everybody. It makes me look differently at it now. Mrs.B

[JasonDavis42]

We just have to cheer up and let go of all the things that worry us much. Life has so many reasons for us to celebrate and enjoy. Thank you for sharing your experiences then, I am learning from all of you.

[Dwaynecg]

Mrs. B,

I felt guilt more than any other emotion after Pauline passed. I was scared like you, we did get some money put aside in the last year of her life. It goes so fast even on the little things. She had already planned for spring an ordered herself some new clothes 4 weeks before she passed. I was able to send them back. As I checked her computer she had some new clothes on a wait list at a couple different places, shirts and pants. I went and ordered them all. I felt so guilty but I knew Pauline was waiting for her next check to get them for me. Knowing that it did ease the guilt. I did need the clothes. I never bought for myself on only if I really needed it. As I was making her DVD for her memorial, I seen all the shirts I have had for years. They were still in my closet, in good shape but old. I knew what she wanted for me, so I followed through. The guilt is gone now, I feel Pauline is around me all the time and taking care of me.

God Bless

Dwayne

[Greg Johnson]

Ms. B,

Feeling guilty or afraid is totally normal. It is easier said than done, but try not to be too hard on yourself. After all, you have just went through a major life-changing event and the person that would normally support you through it is gone. Just remember to try and cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to feel all of those emotions. It is the only way to truly heal.

[Lainey]

Cheryl, you hit the nail on the head when you said it was fear that we're feeling.

"Guilt is not a pure, basic human feeling such as anger,happiness,sorrow or fear. Guilt is a ruse, a cover up, an instead-of mechanism, and we invoke it voluntarily. Guilt is the greatest little handy-dandy avoidance tool ever invented. Turn guilt over and you will find it made up of fear and/or anger."

I'm reading "Widow to Widow" by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg, M.S, and read this. It so describes the feelings I'm having about spending the money, even though as the rest of you have done, I also upgraded the furnace and AC, put up new shingles and have fixed the leak in the basement wall as well as upgraded that in the past 2 years.

For some of the work, we had put money aside but never got it done because Lars was too ill to care about things like that. The rest came from the insurance money.

I also feel guilt using money that we had put away for OUR retirement, he should be here enjoying it with me.And the list of fears go on and on.....

Lainey