Trying To Find A Purpose....

[Perkins808]

I came across this quote today:

"I hope that my achievements in life shall be these-that I will have fought for what was right and fair, that I will have risked for that which mattered, and that I will have given help to those who were in need that I will have left the earth a better place for what I've done and who I've been."

It got me thinking. I only had 4 short years with my husband. We hadn't even been married a year when he died. It took me 36 years (and one failed marriage) to finally find my true love....and then he was taken away from me. I often find myself wondering why God would give me the most amazing gift, only to take it away.

Jeff and I were always firm believers in everything happens for a reason. While I can't wrap my head around a reason for Jeff dying, I can only guess that I am still here on earth because somehow my work here isn't done.

I know it's going to take a bit to figure out.....but I'd really like to move away from merely "existing" as I have been since Jeff died, and really find a purpose to my life now.

Anyone else going through this??

Tammy

[HAP]

Dear Tammy,

Every day I try to see the purpose in things. Sometimes I see the purpose. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes our lives have impacts we are not aware of--and are never aware of. Every life and every death has meaning. We are just not always able to perceive that larger purpose because our field of vision is too small. We have these human bodies that are limited in how much they can understand at any given moment

I think about the students I have seen this week. One girl just passed her certification test and just had her first baby. Why did she come in that day? When she was my student i treated her no differently than I treated anyone else. Yet she walks through the door every few months just to say hi. The student who lost his father, the student who now works for a local newspaper--why this week and not next? Why not last week?

Every day we throw our pebbles in the brook. They send out ripples, but the ripples fade away and the stream seems unperturbed by the addition of that small stone. But when that stone settles to the bottom the pattern of the flow of that stream is ever so slightly different. It all seems random--and perhaps it is. But how do i explain the changes our lives have had on others? How do I explain how and why the actions of one teacher changed my life entirely? If he arrives a year later--or never arrives at all--I am not the person I am today. I had friends who hated him--but i would have walked through fire for him.

Both Jane and i subscribed to the quote you open your post with. We were determined to fight for the right, to defend the weak from the strong, to take the risks that it takes to make a positive difference in people's lives, and to leave the world better than we found it. After Jane's death I was--and still very much am much of the time--frozen in place. I wanted to move forward--just as she had wanted to move forward even when she was stuck in that bed. But the power of the loss was--and often remains--too great. It is like there is this giant stone sitting on top of my body that I can't get out from under.

But it is more than the power of grief that holds me back. There is just so much to do. I feel overwhelmed by it: the house, the yard, the schoolwork. And I feel rudderless--directionless. I make lists--and never get through them. I make plans, but have trouble carrying them out.

So i try to bite off smaller pieces and avoid looking too much at the big picture. Each day has a lot of small things to be done. If i can get through even half of them then i have moved closer to the goal than i was this morning. And, at last, i have begun to accept that some days getting to nothing only means i got to other things that never made the list--like trying to work through another piece of this grief so that i can cram it back into its box and move on to the next piece of grief when I am ready to face it.

The more I can stay positive the more I can be halfway sure that the pebbles i throw into the brook will have a positive influence downstream. Can I be sure of their effect? No. But I also know that not throwing pebbles in the brook also has an effect: nothing changes--nothing gets better.

So I deal with what I can deal with. I let my anger at this disease flow in a positive direction. I don't squash it, bit I do try to send it in a direction that it will do some good in. My anger lets me put together a relay for life team, so I do that instead of taking it out on my students or the people around me. For right this very now it is the battle I can fight. it is the battle I can use to try to make the world a better place than I found it. It is not what I had planned for this summer 18 months ago when Jane was alive and seemed to be recovering from the H1N1. But sometimes our purpose has to change because our circumstances have changed.

I can't know where this will take me. i can't entirely say what my purpose ultimately is. It may still be what I believed it to be two years ago. Or this new purpose may prove to be what is my main purpose in this lifetime--and everything else was training and preparation for this. I just know I have to keep throwing these dumb pebbles in the brook--and trust that I am doing what needs to be done.

I'm afraid I have not said any of this very well. I am not real good with abstract things. And because I was brought up on purpose I have a tough time understanding not feeling a sense of purpose. Even at my darkest moments I still have this sense of purpose--and that there is a purpose to everything we do and everything we experience--even when we can't see what it is.

So i am not going through exactly what you are going through. I am trying to re-establish who I am and what it is I am doing here. I know there is still work for me to do here. I even have a sense of what some of it is. I just have a tough time some days seeing any of it as entirely worth doing. And I really wonder why I now have to do it without Jane.

But those are my dark night of the soul moments.

Hope this in some way is useful to you.

Peace,

Harry

[sunstreet]

Dear Tammy,

Thank you for sharing this quote....love it! Actually caused tears to well up as is exactly how I aspire myself to be. I so relate to your thinking why God would give you the greatest gift and then take it away. Melissa's choice to take her own life gave me my most difficult challenge in my life in so far as my belief in my God and my Faith. Oh I remember more than one time screaming at God...WHY! Have I not suffered enough? How am I supposed to go on now? I remember the defining moment so clearly when I realized that God had not abandoned me; it was I who abandoned my God. My God, allows free will, He is not a forceful God, He plants seeds, but it is up to me to water the seeds, give them food, so they may grow.

I too wondered what is my purpose now? Why am I here? I remember thinking I have no life now; Melissa gave me life: was my life. I remember feeling like I belonged nowhere. I am so grateful I did not give into the darkness that came and seemed to dominate my every thought; my every cell of my being.

The quote you referenced is precisely what I came up with and is why I am here and is my purpose and is what I aspire to be.

Thank you!

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[mfh]

Tammy,

I hear you. I met my husband and married at age 46. We were blessed with what would have been 25 years this coming June 22...and that still felt like we were robbed of many years. He died 14 months ago and i am just now asking seriously...what will I do to give purpose to my life. I don't expect joy but would want my days to be meaningful and growth producing. Yesterday a friend going through a painful divorce said to me: I don't know what i would do without you. It led me to thinking about what I see as a purpose....that is..to be there for others as best I can. To live each moment being true to myself. Perhaps to resume seeing clients. Nothing big and flashy....but rather simple and loving. Part of me wants to find something big and flashy....but frankly life is not about that for most of us. It is just living each moment to the best we can. I hope to identify a passion so that the meaning of my life is richer than it is right now....I am working on that.

mfh

[nats]

Tammy,

I am in much the same position, I was married for 25 years then divorced, met Ruth 7 years ago and we both found the "Love" we thought was not possible, she always told me God saved the best for her till the last, we didn't marry because we were afraid things would change, that I regret we didn't do sooner, once we found out she had cancer I couldn't imagine her not being my wife and we married June 17th 2009, she was so happy that day I'll never forget the whole fun and rush to plan the wedding as the doctor only gave us the weekend to have our "homeymoon" as she was scheduled Monday to begin chemo....she had so much fight and she taught me so much the last months until God called her home on 2/14/10...I found no purpose until Brenda who had lost her husband came into my life, in fact I heard a voice tell me we would be together when Ruth passed but I just blew it off as I did not expect Ruth to be going anywhere soon....but here I am at 15 months and have found the purpose, we have each other, at times I feel guilty but I must think God has a reason for bringing us together and Ruth and I always talked about "reasons" as well...so it is possible to find answers, comfort, and purpose but I think it will find you, I don't think it's something one can find on there own...one thing I've noticed is we both contiune to grieve our spouses but with each other we can handle it in a differant way....we have taken on the attitude it's "us" against the world, she is the thunder and I am the lighting and between us we can conquer grief together but we are also very aware that one of us will have to grieve again, not a happy thought, but we can not live life on reservations we must live life as each day is our last "be happy and enjoy what we can".....I reflect on this and things make some sense....

NATS

"You are not a human being having a spiritual experience.

You are a spiritual being having a human experience".

—Wayne W. Dyer

[pinkpony]

Jeff and I were always firm believers in everything happens for a reason. While I can't wrap my head around a reason for Jeff dying, I can only guess that I am still here on earth because somehow my work here isn't done.

I was married for 25yrs together for 30 & your quote is exactly true. My identity was not mine alone for all those years & my purpose was to take care of my family, but now the kids are grown husband in heaven & I'm 44 questioning what is my purpose, who am I Lord. I do truly believe though that all this hasn't been in vain, that God still has great things in store for me & that my purpose here on earth isn't finished.

[Queeniemary]

Tammy, Mike and I knew each other for 25 years, were married for almost 20. Like you, it is hard to find a purpose in life without him, we did so much together. He has been gone now 16 1/2 months, and I still cannot get my mind around why he is gone. We were both very active in community theater and local arts organization, and I have continued with that. Sometimes it has been hard, but it has been a life saver for me, it has given me purpose and I feel I am continuing with something that meant a lot to Mike. At present I am directing a play, that is a southern comedy, the third in the series. Mike was in the second play of the series, and it is really harder than I thought it would be, directing this play, with another person in the role that he played. I keep hearing him say the lines, he had such great comic timing, and while the person playing the role this time is doing a good job....he is not Mike! Not his fault, but I cannot help but compare! However, I hope I am not letting any of this show to the cast, they are all doing great, and it is going to be a good show in June.

I have settled into a life without Mike, and it is not a bad life, but it is not the life we would have had together. I have great friends, and great family, but none of them can take his place. I retired on May 13th, and will be pretty busy from now until July, but after that, I guess it may get a little harder. The key for me is to stay busy, does not take away the grief, but keeps me from dwelling on it all the time. From your posts, I feel you are a strong person, and you will find the purpose and move forward from merely "existing".

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[melina]

Tammy,

I hope, like you do, that there is some purpose or reason for us who have been left behind. My husband was a teacher, and he was a truly good person. I still hear from students he once taught and they all say the same thing - he really meant something to them and he made learning fun and interesting. Maybe that was one of his purposes here in life. Another was being an amazing father - and also a beloved husband. He taught me so much, made me feel loved and gave me strength and a belief in myself that I didn't get while growing up.

Maybe my purpose is ridding myself of bitterness, regret and resentment and helping my children find their way in the world. Maybe some of my purpose also lies in my job. I work with disabled people daily and try to nudge others into seeing these people for what they are: People. I try to help them find another identity apart from "disabled". That is not an identity, but just one aspect of their lives. Should we just identify ourselves as "widows" or "widowers"? That is simply one dimension, one aspect of our lives, as is "parent", "sibling", "co-worker", "dog owner", "art lover", "cyber-chick" or whatever it is we incorporate into our lives.

My husband's death launched an existential turning point in my life. I would have preferred to have done without it, but since I couldn't stop him from dying, I will have to take what I can from it. I've become less materialistic, less interested in petty things and petty people, more interested in philosophical and theological ideas, more thankful for my children and other people who help to make my life a more positive experience, and finally, I'm now curious about where life will take me now - what I'm supposed to do.

I still grieve, but at the same time I'm waiting to see where the road takes me - one day at a time.

Melina

[mfh]

Hi Melina

I understand the diminished interest in material things, increased interest in philosophy, spirituality, mysticism and more. I read and investigate these realms and attempt to be in the moment. That helps me in many ways. I know I have more work to do here or I would be with Bill. I believe my job is to be who I am. I know that if each of us did that, kindness and compassion would fill the earth replacing fear and hatred. I am lonely. I grieve. I also know that I have a purpose and am now beginning to look at that in my life. mfh

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Tammy,

One of your purpose was to give you husband the feeling of true love, being his best friend, and soul mate that he would never have had if you 2 had not have met. Only God knows what will be ahead of you in this life. I believe very strongly in what God can do. My life with Pauline is a true example of how God works. I was born and raised in the mountains of Colorado, Pauline was born and raised in Fall River MA. I was able to take the summer off because I worked for Park county road and bridge dept. The winter of 1978 I had worked so many hours of overtime, the county paid overtime in comp time. For every hour of overtime I worked I got 1 1/2 hours off with pay. I had 90 days coming to me in comp time. I went to Kansas where my parents grew up at. All my Aunts, uncles, cousins, lived around Abilene KS. The summer before I was out there for about 6 weeks and got a job at a rock quarry running heavy equipment. So the summer of 78 I went back to Abilene, and went back to work at the rock quarry. It was a day in May around 15-20, it was raining so hard that morning that at noon they sent us home. Now this small town of Chapman KS. was only a turn in the road for me. But on that day I had been taking another man from Abilene back and forth to work every day. When we got to the turn in Chapman, he said do you want to stop and get a beer and shoot some pool. I said sure, he knew this bar called Pop's Place. At that time in Kansas you could only drink 3.2 beer in a bar. Any hard stuff you had to go to a liquor store. We stopped and who was tending the bar was Pauline, a small 4' 10" and about 100 pounds whit the most beautiful brown eyes. I sat and talk to her for it must have been 5 hours. The guy that rode with me called to get a ride home. It was like we had known each other forever. Pauline felt the same way. As it went I moved in with her August 13, 1978. So I know God brought us together. He did the same for you. Without your meeting your husband neither of you would not have found that true love, you soul mate and best friend. Take comfort in what you had and God will guide you the rest of your days.

God Bless

Dwayne

[Pilla]

Dear Harry,

You must be a wonderful teacher. I found your post so perfect for where I am in the journey now that I copied it into Word and saved it. Thank you for taking the time and thought to post it.

Hugs,

Pilla