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Eight Years Today ~ Releasing So Much Pain


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Hello to all,

Eight years ago today my Melissa was brutally sexually assaulted by some of my family members as a statement against the fact I am lesbian.

Every year since I have always isolated and stayed away from all human contact. This year I thought it is time for some other way to be. I asked to work today; the Pharmacy was open from 10am to 6pm. At first it was going alright and then as it got busier and I noticed a lot of families out together celebrating Canada Day. As the day wore on I felt more and more alone and an overwhelming sadness came over me. I forgot how much Canada Day is so much about the family where I live and just served to remind me that I don't have one.

It is good that I chose to mark this day differently this year for my choice served as a catalyst for yet more pain to come to the surface to be released. It is just so hard to weep alone though.

Sorry, I have not been able to be on and contributing. I have been quite sick with the flu and only been back to work a few days. I just don't have the energy that I once did which is expected given my health issues and that too weighs on me and adds to my sadness today.

I will try to read all of your posts the next few days and know that I hold you all in heart.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Dear Carol Ann,

It is always good to see your posts no matter when they come. You do have a family here...not the same, I know, but I know that lots of folks here care about you and you have been so helpful to others. It is July 4th here in the states, a family weekend here also, and I have no family nearby so these long holidays weekends are difficult. I built in some activities this year to prevent a re-occurrence of last July 4. I am so sorry for all the pain you have had. I know it has been a long road. Know that you are in my thoughts this weekend. Mary

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Dear Carol Ann,

This has been a very difficult week for me also. So many people on here have lifted me up this week. I think I would have gone in sane if not for Mary, KayC, and MartyT. Only here did I find the help I needed so bad. I feel for you and feel your pain. I trust in God and he has never let me down. I applaud you for going to work. I know it was hard and brought those feelings. Please do not be to hard on yourself. We all have to go through this grief, and at times it feels just like the first day. I can not eve imagine 8 years from now. No one has invited me for the holiday, I will see what Greg and Donna are up to and go be with my true friends.

May peace fill your heart and soul

Dwayne

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Carol Ann,

I'm sorry I wasn't on line yesterday, I broke my elbow a week ago, and it's very painful to type and I still have to work some so I've tried to rest when I could, but it's hard, I don't have anyone to take care of me. I'm kind of feeling the same way as it's 4th of July weekend (our independence day) and I have no one to celebrate with, everyone with their families, but my kids are grown and have gone their own ways, they spend time with their friends but don't with me. My son occasionally comes and sleeps here but spends his days with his friends, coming home after I've gone to bed. So I know what it's like to feel alone. I am sorry you are experiencing that. I'm glad you chose to work, that helps to get our minds off things for a while at least.

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Carol Ann, you are held in my heart also. Sometimes I feel guilty, in realizing how fortunatate I am with my family and friends, and I forget that others do not always have that same good fortune. Thinking of you and praying for peace for you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Dear Nicholas,

Thank you so much and I continue to hold you in gentle thought and prayer. One moment at time dear Nicholas.

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Dear Marty,

As always I thank you.

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Dear MFH Mary,

Thank you so much for your understanding and empathy. Thank you for helping me to feel welcome and a sense that I belong here too. I so need a sense of belonging and family. You are right it is not the same but it sure does help.

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Dear Dave,

Thank you for thinking of me and I offer you my thinking, my understanding, and support as you learn to live with your loss. Courage to you...one moment at at a time.

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Dear Dwayne,

Thank you for your support. Thank you for the reminders the pain of loss ebbs and flows and at times we can feel like it is the first day all over again and that it is ok and normal. Thank you for reminding me not to be to hard on myself for that is something I need reminding of for sure. I am so so sorry for the pain of your own loss and I offer my support and care to you as well.

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Dear Kay,

AS always I thank you. Dear Kay I am so so sorry for all the troubles that have come your way. I am sorry also for the diagnosis that your Mother recieved. I know that even your relationship with her was not as it should have been; the pain of what she is going through is still there for you none the less. Bless your heart and know I hold you in gentle thought and prayer.

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Dear Mary (Queeniemary)

Oh so good to see your post! I want you to join me in kicking that guilt that you are feeling right out to the curb for you are so not deserving of it! Thank you for your prayers of peace. Mary, for the most part I am at peace; the pain comes from healing at a deeper level---from right at the root of it you might say. One thing is for certain my life is a blessing and I am ever so grateful for it.

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Thank you one and all again. It is hard with words to let you all know how very much I needed to hear from you. Today being July 4th, I know will be a difficult day for some of you and I offer my understanding and support. I will leave you all with this thought: LOVE IS LOUDER THAN ANYTHING.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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