113 Days

[dave s]

LOOKING BACK ON THE LAST 6 MONTHS OF MY LIFE, IT IS A WONDER THAT I CAN STILL FUNCTION.....AFTER DATING MIKE FOR SOMETIME I FINALLY "CAVED TO" HIS MULTIPLE REQUESTS TO MOVE IN WITH ME.......I FINALLY THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT IDEA TO START OUT THE NEW YR THIS WAY, DESPITE THE FACT THAT MIKE ON DEC 2 (STRANGE THAT I CAN REMEMBER SOME DATES SO WELL) CAME TO ME CRYING STATING "I DONT THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA THAT WE DO THIS AND MAYBE WE SHOULD BREAK UP AS I COULD BE DEAD IN A YR AND YOU WILL BE DEPRESSED AND WILL BE CRYING WHEN YOU COME HOME TO AN EMPTY HOUSE" MY STATEMENT TO HIM WAS WHAT THE @#$% YOU LOOK GREAT, AND THERE IS NO GUARANTEE i COULD BE KILLED IN A CAR WRECK OR WHATEVER, AND I WANT TO COME HOME TO YOU......THIS SEEMED TO COMFORT HIM...FUNNY THAT HE KNEW........EVEN STRANGER THAT I CHANGED EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE FOR MIKE, EVERYTHING! AND NOW AM GLAD I DID...

ON JAN 1 I STARTED CLEANING OUT THE HOUSE PAINTING, GETTING RID OF MY FURNITURE, AND REPLACING FLOORING, IWAS SO EXCITED, TIRED, AND SO NERVOUS WHEN THE MOVERS BROUGHT MIKES FURNITURE ON 1/17/11. I WAS SO EXCITED TO COME HOME AFTER WORK THAT DAY AND WAS AMAZED THAT EVERYTHING WAS IN ITS PLACE AND MIKE WAS SO PROUD, AND SO WAS I! LIFE WAS GREAT! THE DAYS THAT FOLLOWED..WERE THE BEST OF MY LIFE IT WAS SUCH A GREAT FEELING TO BE WITH HIM ALL THE TIME....AND YET WE HAD OUR PROBLEMS....HE BEGAN TO EXHIBIT STRANGE OUT THE NORM MOOD SWINGS.....WHEN I CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT IT HE WOULD LEAVE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS AND RETURN APOLOGETIC AND MAKE EFFORTS TO CHANGE THEN IT WOULD HAPPEN AGAIN, AND THE SCENARIO WOULD REPEAT ITSELF, I WAS LOST, I WAS AND STILL AM IN SO MUCH LOVE WITH HIM WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BESTFRIEND! I REPEATEDLY TRIED TO GET HIM TO GO TO A DOC, HE REFUSED AND THEN THE ABDOMINAL PAIN AND JAUNDICE STARTED, HE STILL WOULDNT GET HELP UNTIL I LITERALLY HAD TO DRAG HIM OUT TO THE HOSPITAL....AT THIS POINT HIS LIVER WAS END STAGE ( AND LEARNED THAT HIS MOOD SWINGS WERE A SYMPTOM OF SUCH ) AND WE WERE GIVEN 6 MONTHS.......HE LASTED 4 WEEKS, I WORKED FULL TIME AND TOOK CARE OF HIM 24 HRS A DAY......THINKING THAT HE WOULD REBOUND, AND WE WOULD HAVE MORE TIME, TO AT LEAST DO SOMETHING ON HIS BUCKET LIST....ON 5/7/11 THE DOCS TOLD ME HE WAS SEPTIC, I MADE THE DECISION TO STOP ALL TREATMENTS AND PLACE IN HOSPICE, HE DIED 5/9/11.......

I FEEL THAT I HAVE LIVED MORE IN 6 MONTHS THEN THE REST OF MY LIFE, I WAS SO CAREFULL NOT TO SHOW MIKE HOW UPSET I WAS DURING THIS, I KNEW THE PROGNOSIS, I FUNCTIONED LIKE A ROBOT, AND WHEN I SAW HIM TAKE HIS LAST BREATHE I CRIED AND CRIED.....DID HE KNOW HOW MUCH I CARED? I COULDNT EVEN MAKE THE CALL TO OUR FAMILY, I COULDNT TALK ALL I REMEMBER WAS MY PARENTS SHOWING UP AND HOLDING ME.....THE DAYS THAT FOLLOWED ARE STILL SURREAL.....FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENTS, NOTIFYING FRIENDS, ETC

SINCE THEN I HAVE BEEN THROUGH CONT HELL, ALTHOUGH WE DATED FOR SOMETIME, WE ONLY LIVED TOGETHER FOR WHAT I FIGURE WAS 113 DAYS, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME, AND HOW DID I GET TO A POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE MY PARENTS WERNT ABLE TO TAKE MY PAIN AWAY? I AM 46 GUESS TIME TO GROW UP! I JOURNAL, I TALK TO MIKE, AND RECIEVE SIGNS FROM HIM, WHICH GIVES ME GREAT COMFORT, HIS FAMILY IS STILL WONDERFULL TO ME AND WE STILL TALK DAILY....THE FRIENDS I THOUGHT I COULD COUNT ON ARE NO WHERE, AND THE ONES I THOUGHT DIDNT CARE HAVE BEEN WONDERFULL! FUNNY HOW THAT PLAYS OUT...

I HAVE DEALT WITH SUCH GUILT FOR NOT RECOGNIZING THAT MIKE NEEDED HELP BEFORE IT CAME TO A HEAD, KNOWING ALL TO WELL THAT WE COULD HAVE PROBABLY BOUGHT HIM SOME MORE TIME AT THAT POINT, TO AT LEAST HAD A MEMORABLE SUMMER.........BUT ALSO KNOWING THAT MIKE KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG AND DIDNT FOLLOWUP HIMSELF, AND HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PUT SOME OF THE GUILT TO REST....IT SERVES NO POSITIVE PURPOSE!

THIS WEEK HAS BEEN SO STRANGE, MY WONDERFULL FATHER, WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD DAD, HAS BEEN A JERK, LAST SUNDAY AT DINNER HE STARTED TO BAD MOUTH MIKE TO THE POINT I WALKED OUT AND WENT HOME WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, NOW WONDER, IS DAD GRIEVING TOO AND THIS IS HIS WAY OF DOING IT? ANGER ETC.. THAT I AM GOING THROUGH TO? ALSO KNOW THAT IT UPSETS DAD TO SEE ME SOO UPSET, IN HIS WEIRD WAY, IS HE TRYING TO HELP ME?

AFTER NOT TALKING TO HIM FOR A WEEK, ALL IS FORGIVEN AND WILL GO SEE HIM TOMORROW, AFTER I START FEELING BETTER, FOR YOU SEE, IT IS NO SURPRISE TO ANYONE THAT I HAVE DEVELOPED A ROTTEN CASE OF THE STOMACH FLU, WITH ALL THIS STRESS ... NO WONDER! WILL CONT TO REST AND TRY TO NAP TODAY....THE OTHER NEWS I RECIEVED THIS WEEK WAS A CALL FROM A BED AND BREAKFAST IN PALMSPRINGS CA, TO CONFIRM OUR RESERVATION FOR THIS WEEKEND, FOR OUR STAY AND COMMITMENT CEREMONY........I HAD NO IDEA.....HE NEVER TOLD ME....THIS BROUGHT OUT ALOT OF EMOTIONS AND ALSO MADE ME FEEL GOOD, AS AT TIMES THROUGH THIS HORRIBLE PERIOD I QUESTIONED IF HE REALLY LOVED ME, WHY DIDNT HE STICK AROUND? CRAZY I KNOW.....BUT FINDING THAT GRIEF HAS BROUGHT OUT CRAZINESS IN ME! THE NEWS OF THIS VALIDATES OUR RELATIONSHIP AND MAKES ME FEEL GOOD!

WELL FEEL THE NEED TO TAKE A NAP THE 7 UP IS HELPING MY STOMACH, AND HOPE THAT IFEEL BETTER LATER TODAY TO GO AND SEE MY HORSES, WHEN ALL THIS HAPPENED MY FRIENDS TOOK MY HORSES TO THEIR RANCH, THANK GOD THEY DID ONE LESS THING TO TAKE CARE OF! SAD TO ME THAT I HAVENT HAD THE DESIRE TO GO RIDING SINCE OR TO DO ANYTHING THAT I USE TO.....BUT FEELING THE TWINGE TO SEE THEM. HOPE IT IS A GOOD SIGN! THANKS FOR LISTENING JOURNALLING AND THIS SITE HAS BEEN A GOD SEND! HOW DID WE LIVE WITHOUT COMPUTERS?

EVERYONE TAKE CARE, HANG IN THERE! DAVE

[ljn]

Dave, I lost my partner, best friend, the love of my life on 12/19/09 after 26 years together. She blacked out in the kitchen and broke her right hip and fractured her left hand. The paramedics said her blood sugar had dropped to 36, causing the black out.

I understand the guilt of not dealing with the problem sooner. She had fallen about 3x in that year, mostly getting off the sofa or off the bed so the falls were short and cushioned by the carpeting, and not total blackouts. Still, she wasn't able to get up off the floor and I had to help drag her back onto a chair or the bed. I wanted to call 911 to help her up and check her out, but Barbara was so stubborn and threatened me not to call for help.

We had no idea that she was having blood sugar problems. If we'd known she would probably still be here. She had surgery, that they say went well, but had problems with the anesthesia and intubation tube. It took 3 days to get the tube out due to her throat closing. Then another surgery to clean the incisions due to infection. Which meant another bout of anesthesia and intubation which they couldn't get the tube out again. She never regained consciousness, not that they had her awake much the whole time there. The infection was too much and the incisions just wouldn't knit, so she was moved to hospice where she passed after 3 days.

Fell 12/2, passed 12/19. Till then the absolute worst couple weeks of my life. I only wish we could have spoken and I could have told her how so very much I was still in love with her.

I blame myself every day for not standing up to her and calling for help before it got to this. The couple times she was able to speak she wanted me to take her home. I only wish I could have. I was the one that she helped through breast cancer back in '07, and I couldn't get her through a broken hip! Life has been miserable.

Ended up with pneumonia that January, still can't wake up and just relax in bed, I get sick to my stomach and have to get up. Last Dec. one year anniversary, came down with a case of shingles over the stress. Stay awake till I can't anymore so I go right to sleep when I lay down, and up as soon as my eyes open. So bed times about 1-2 am wake up time 5:30-6 am. I try get a nap in the recliner sometime during the day, but then just feel headachy and groggy.

It's been just over a year and a half and I still miss Barbara so much. We pretty much kept to ourselves so there's not much in the way of support here. I have the dog to walk so I at least have to go out with her, and the cat to take care of. He's been my shadow since Barbara's gone, follows me around when I'm up, sleeping on my shoulder if I'm sitting. Barbara was his snuggle buddy and I know he's also lost without her.

I've been to a few of the hospice meetings but the glbt one is a 78 mile round trip, so I don't go much. I have been reading the posts here for awhile but this is the first time I've written anything. Just feeling so down and wanted to let you know your not the only one hurting today...

Lynn

[kayc]

Do you think he knew he was going to die before you moved in together then? I guess it's irrelevant because regardless, you would have wanted to be with him and you made the most out of what you had together. You are so right about people, the ones you'd think would be there aren't and vice versa. Go figure. No this is something parents and no one can protect us from. Fame, title, position, knowledge, money, nothing stays death in the end...it happens.

I hadn't known that liver malfunction causes mood swings, I've known people who died of liver failure, that explains some things.

I guess in the end it doesn't matter what they die from the results are the same, we're left without them and have to somehow make sense of what's left and try to function...a challenge all of it's own, isn't it.

I felt like my time with George went so fast, it seems like a gyp sometimes, when other people get 20, 30, 40 years together. But each day was a gem, to be valued and treasured.

[mfh]

Dave, thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry your time together in your house was so brief but also glad you had the time you did. Thank you for sharing. I hope the flu has flown away and that you are feeling better..very weak. Thanks for your email. I am a bit better but tired of being in the house...over 2 weeks now. Lots of think time. Peace, Mary

[dave s]

LYNN HEY IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK FEEL FREE TO SEND ME AN EMAIL AND THANKS FOR THE REPLY. DAVE

[Guest Nicholas]

Dave,

My beloved son also died from the same, but didn't exhibit any mood swings. He was always his jolly self, though tired much of the time.

Take care.

Nicholas

[Dwaynecg]

Dave,

I thank you for letting us hear your story, Death has no rhyme or reason it only is. You will be with Mike again. I lost the love of my life, best friend, soul mate, my wife, Pauline. Tomorrow is her 5 month anniversary of her passing. She had MS, we both knew that she would pass before me. We talked all the time. I thought I was prepared, but the day she passed, she was at home on hospice. I knew that morning at 4:00 am This was the day. When the hospice nurse came around 11:00 AM she said it would be 3-4 days. I staid with her and holding her telling her I loved her and 2:30 PM she mouthed I LOVE YOU TOO and then she was gone. As prepared as I was it hit me hard. 2 weeks after I got so sick for 2+ weeks. Health problem after another. I believe I at the end of that after tomorrow and the surgery.

I know life doesn't seem far but as you found out Mike really did love you, and cared very much for you. I am sure he knew the changes going on in his body, and did not want you to be worrying about him. Grief takes a lot out of you, See your DR. and get on the right medication to help you get through this very hard time in you life. I try at least once a week to get to a hospice meeting. They help a lot to talk to people in person about your grief. I have cried many tears and so will you. Find out what is the best for you to help you get through this. I wish you well my friend.

God Bless, may he bring peace onto you, comfort, your broken heart and soul, calm your mind and heal your health. I ask this in the name of Jesses Christ our lord and savoir.

Dwayne

[MartyT]

Dave, dear ~ Are you familiar with Widow's Voice? It's a blog featuring the writing of seven different widowed people, seven days a week. Mondays belong to Dan Cano, who lost his husband Michael to a deadly brain tumor in September of 2009.

In his bio, Dan writes, "His death did not come unexpectedly, as two years prior we were told that his tumor, Glioblastoma Multiforme, was the most deadly, and aggressive, form of brain cancer. On that day, October 16, 2007, our life as a new couple, with plans for the future, was forever changed. One year later, October 19, 2008, we danced at our wedding, knowing we would not likely be together for our first year anniversary. We loved each other passionately, and lived our life together one day at a time. My children embraced Michael as their new step father, opening their hearts to him, also knowing that he would be taken. Knowing that time was limited, and preparing for every bump in the road, did not buffer the pain that came my way. I spent a lifetime wanting to be a husband, in a second I became a widower."

You'll find Dan's posts here: http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/search/label/Dan%20Cano

You might also want to check out this site, hosted by Dusky, one of our very own Discussion Groups members, who wrote a book by the same title: Finding My Banana Bread Man