Missing My Mom

[Susan Y]

I lost my Mom 6 weeks ago today. I am actually seeing a grief counselor tomorrow. I miss her so badly. I have a very busy job, 3 wonderful small kids and I feel so empty. We were so close. I saved some of her things and I privately get them out and hold them just to smell her. Sounds odd but comforting and painful all at the same time. We talked every day 2-3 times a day until the end when she was not up to talking. She had all the signs of being at the end of her life and I ignored them thinking she was just tired. I have no regrets as we always told each other how much we loved each other and cared. She is just so completely gone, I can't feel her at all.

I think that is the most painful part that someone can be so utterly gone from your life. She always promised me she would be with me even after she died and would send me a sign. So far she hasn't and maybe she can't. She always knew how hard this would be for me so I banked on the fact I would have a comforting dream or something. So many times when something happens I want to pick up the phone and call her and then I remember.

[drock]

Sorry to hear of your loss Susan! I'm going on 4 months without Mom now. This has been a tough journey so far. The rays of sunshine peak through every now and then but it gets cloudy again pretty quickly. Today was the most emotional day I have had so far since my Moms funeral. I don't really cry to often but today I got hit multiple times. Not sure exactly why but maybe it was just all built up.

I have just come to the reality that these times will come to me for the rest of my life but as time goes by they will be less frequent. I try to cherish the little things that make me laugh or brings a smile to my face. When the grief comes up I just have to work through it as tough as it is. I try not to avoid it. As they say " one day at a time". I try to keep in mind that if I can make it through this horrible gloomy time there will still be rays of sunshine breaking through just ahead. Kind of corny but it keeps me moving forward.

I've learned so far that there is no way around this horrible time in our lives. You just have to muster up the courage and strap yourself in for the ride. Even though it's a crappy ride that none of us ever wants to get onto.

[Susan Y]

Thank you drock! I agree with you on the little rays of sunshine. They do peak through every now and then and I am able to smile when remembering something about her. Still so hard to imagine my life without her. They say the 6-8 week marker usually triggers those feelings of feeling alone and realizing they are gone forever. I am trying to find comfort in my kids and husband as she loved them so and would want me to celebrate them! She always hated it when I cried and tried to fix it for me. Wishing she could fix it for me now. Take care!

[BellaRosa]

Susan, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my mom 8 months ago (almost 9 now) and I can hardly believe it's been that long already. It doesn't sound odd to me at all that you kept some of her things and still take them out. My dad and I are starting to clean out their house, and it's very difficult to get rid of her belongings. I've kept so much more than I need or have room for just because I can't bear to let go.

I too ignored the signs that she was declining. She had lung cancer and had complications from the chemo... I kept telling myself that she would get better and everything would go back to normal once she finished treatment, but it was the treatment that killed her. It's hard to see things for what they really are when we're in the moment. Looking back, it is very clear.

I can't feel my mom's presence either. I've had several dreams of her, but mostly she seems angry or upset in them so they're far from comforting! A couple of days before she passed, I asked her to please give me signs and let me know she's ok after she was gone, but I haven't really experienced anything. At least nothing that really truly felt like her sending me a message. I'm having a hard time lately grasping the fact that she's really gone. I would give anything just to talk to her. I still have moments everyday where I get that feeling like I want to call her and tell her something, but I remember that I can't. It's so unsettling to have your mind be in two places at once: on one hand knowing that she's gone, and on the other wanting to pick up the phone.

I'm sorry that you had to join our group, but I'm glad you found your way here because everyone here is just wonderful. This board has really helped me get this far in my grief journey, and it's been a relief to be able to hear other people are having the same thoughts and feelings.

Erin

[Susan Y]

Thank you for your kind words Erin. I am sorry for the loss of your Mom as well. Sounds like it has been the same kind of journey I am on. It is helpful when you experience new feeling like this to see that others have the same feelings. Yesterday was a dark day after talking to a counselor, it brought it all back. She did say something comforting to me. When I told her I was waiting for a sign from her the therapist said maybe she was guiding you to seek counseling to comfort you. We all want our Moms to take care of us when we feel so bad so maybe she had a hand in leading me to this wonderful counselor! I hope it helps. Today is a good day but she is always in my mind and tugging at my heart. She passed away in her sleep while in the hospital. She was not critical so she was not on any kind of monitors to alert anyone right away. She was recoving from Pneumonia. She was a giving person her entire life and never asked anyone to give back. I am hopeful that she is in a place where she is the one receiving all the wonderful things she gave to all of us. So happy to find this board. I can see there are many wonderful people on it.

[Ron B.]

Hi Susan. I lost my Mom almost two years ago. I still grieve, but it's not the raw grief of those first couple of months. And while the loss of my Mom still hurts aplenty, I found a couple things that have helped me heal. At about 7 months I acquired my Mom's kitchen recipe box and put together a 60 page booklet of her recipes. Then I passed out the booklet to family members at a reunion. At about 16 months I acquired my Mom's photo albums, and put together a CD with over 400 images of family history. I distributed that CD at the next family reunion.

I tell you this because I believe there are constructive and useful ways to heal over grief. While I worked with all my Mom's legacy things like recipes and photos, I felt connected to her, almost like she was there with me. I don't know how else to explain. At six weeks your grief is probably too raw to be pulling out your Mom's legacy stuff, but months down the line it may help you too.

As for receiving 'signs' from my Mom, I get plenty of that sort of thing, but not in a supernatural or spooky way. I do occasionally dream of my Mom, but that's not where I feel her strength. Whenever I trouble over the right thing to do, I get this feeling that my Mom is standing beside me and guiding me. And though she can't be physically present to help me, her legacy gives me strength to do the right things. She is part of me and I feel it. I don't know how else to explain.

What surprises me now after almost 2 years is that I've had an ongoing flood of recollections of my mother, of all the places and things we did over the years. It's like a tap has been opened up inside me, and I feel connected with my Mom this way. And while some of the memories are still painful, they are also soulful and healing.

So have patience! Grieving and healing work at their own pace; we can't force our way through any of it. As time passes, you will start to feel the healing strength of your Mom, and not just all the pain of loss.

Ron B.

[drock]

Ron I also find strength from my mom now. I've had a few instances where I wasn't sure what to do in a certain situation and I immediately thought of what my mother would have told me I should do. Somehow, even when I resisted and though she was totally off base, she would in the end be 100% right. As they say "Mothers always know". She is still with me,helping me become a better person!

[Susan Y]

Thank you RoN! Your reply was very insightful. I think maybe a times my Mom has been with me. I saw a counselor through my employer. I have been wanting to do this for over a year with all the stress of my Mom's illness but put it off because I was too busy. The counselor suggested that maybe just the very fact of my coming to see her could have been my Moms guidance. The day my Mom passed away, about 2:00 pm I was busy working. I was not upset about my Mom just used to the ups and downs. For no reason I had a sudden urge to go see her. Just a Mommy moment if you will. I called my husband in tears and said I am leaving work early because I just feel the need to see her. As I was finishing up some emails my phone rang and it was the hospital telling me she was in a code blue and they were working on her. I believe at that moment I had those feelings something happened with her. Although my only feelings were an urgency to see her maybe it was her way of saying goodbye. She never wanted me to be upset when she died. I know this will be a long process and I appreciate your and everyones kind encouraging words.

[niamh]

hi Susan,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom. You've definitely come to the right place.

It is such an enormous shock to suddenly have someone who was a major part of your everyday normal life suddenly not here anymore, just gone .........gone where, it doesn't make real true sense to me much of the time!

I too long for signs from my Dad, i've got a few over the last 18months, mostly certain songs coming on at certain times but I want more than a "sign". I want to truly feel his presence with me, I want to have a dream where I know it's him, it's not just a wishful dream. I never have any sense of him around me.

I've had a couple of people who have lost parents tell me that my Dad will come to me when he knows I'm ready ...........NOT when I think I am ready or when I want it. Sometimes I think maybe it's all still too surreal for me and that maybe my mind is not ready to sense him in a different way. I still have times when I hear a car outside and for less than split second I think "finally he's home, it's been ages since I've seen him".

Nothing at all odd with you holding your Mom's things, I sleep with one of my Dad's jumpers........someday I want to get a memory quilt made from the clothes I saved but I'm not ready yet. I have most of them packed away in a tied bag. Only a few months back I was looking for something and when I opened the bag his scent was still on everything, over 1 year later. I wish I could bottle it !

I remember thinking a couple of months back wondering how I am still surviving this, my Dad was my life, best friend, teacher, confident and the list goes on and on.......it was always my worst nightmare to lose him,never in my wildest nightmares did I think it would be so soon and I honestly question how I still go on every single day. Then I realised there is only 1 answer to that..........somewhere, somehow my Dad must be guiding me & helping me, even if I don't feel him because for me there really could not be any other explanation........he was just too important to me for me to be able to survive without him.

I do hope you will find even the tiniest bit of comfort here just knowing others can relate to some of you feelings.

sending you much comfort & ((hugs))

Niamh

[C3217]

I am so,so sorry for your loss,,I wish I had a magic word or two to help you. I just lost my Mom July 31,,she was my world, my best friend. I am blessed by my husband & family as when my Mom became ill(chronic lung disease) & we were faced with the choice to let her go in the hospital or bring her home on hospice. We chose hospice & Mom came home with us. My mom was not expected to last the night,,,well 3 months later Mom & I were making plans for flowerpots & new lunch places to try when she got stronger. She was going to graduate off hospice that week. Sunday morning came & she was called out by her heart,,,she was awake& holding my hand,,i dont believe she had any pain,,,she did seem to be intently looking off to the side,,almost happy not long before she died. I felt a sense of calm go through me ,,but dismissed it at the time. I as you expected to see a "sign",,,& still hope to. I was disappointed that I had not , but now feel that they wait for us to have some time & perspective. I am still reeling from the pain,,sometimes I feel as though I will never fully live again as whats the point as if you cant go have fun & then tell your mom about it,,,whats the point?? I know that we grieve because we have loved & nothing done in love is done for the wrong reasons,, I just miss her so much.........Know that there are others who share in your pain,,,as daughters we are blessed to have been so close to our moms,,,,I now look at my children & husband & know that love is what this is all about,,,,,,I'll embrace it when I can see past my tears,

Tina

[C3217]

I am so,so sorry for your loss,,I wish I had a magic word or two to help you. I just lost my Mom July 31,,she was my world, my best friend. I am blessed by my husband & family as when my Mom became ill(chronic lung disease) & we were faced with the choice to let her go in the hospital or bring her home on hospice. We chose hospice & Mom came home with us. My mom was not expected to last the night,,,well 3 months later Mom & I were making plans for flowerpots & new lunch places to try when she got stronger. She was going to graduate off hospice that week. Sunday morning came & she was called out by her heart,,,she was awake& holding my hand,,i dont believe she had any pain,,,she did seem to be intently looking off to the side,,almost happy not long before she died. I felt a sense of calm go through me ,,but dismissed it at the time. I as you expected to see a "sign",,,& still hope to. I was disappointed that I had not , but now feel that they wait for us to have some time & perspective. I am still reeling from the pain,,sometimes I feel as though I will never fully live again as whats the point as if you cant go have fun & then tell your mom about it,,,whats the point?? I know that we grieve because we have loved & nothing done in love is done for the wrong reasons,, I just miss her so much.........Know that there are others who share in your pain,,,as daughters we are blessed to have been so close to our moms,,,,I now look at my children & husband & know that love is what this is all about,,,,,,I'll embrace it when I can see past my tears,

Tina

[C3217]

I am so,so sorry for your loss,,I wish I had a magic word or two to help you. I just lost my Mom July 31,,she was my world, my best friend. I am blessed by my husband & family as when my Mom became ill(chronic lung disease) & we were faced with the choice to let her go in the hospital or bring her home on hospice. We chose hospice & Mom came home with us. My mom was not expected to last the night,,,well 3 months later Mom & I were making plans for flowerpots & new lunch places to try when she got stronger. She was going to graduate off hospice that week. Sunday morning came & she was called out by her heart,,,she was awake& holding my hand,,i dont believe she had any pain,,,she did seem to be intently looking off to the side,,almost happy not long before she died. I felt a sense of calm go through me ,,but dismissed it at the time. I as you expected to see a "sign",,,& still hope to. I was disappointed that I had not , but now feel that they wait for us to have some time & perspective. I am still reeling from the pain,,sometimes I feel as though I will never fully live again as whats the point as if you cant go have fun & then tell your mom about it,,,whats the point?? I know that we grieve because we have loved & nothing done in love is done for the wrong reasons,, I just miss her so much.........Know that there are others who share in your pain,,,as daughters we are blessed to have been so close to our moms,,,,I now look at my children & husband & know that love is what this is all about,,,,,,I'll embrace it when I can see past my tears,

Tina

[flower]

sorry for your loss

Hi

i am new here i just lost my mom on fathers day she fell hit her head she died in the hosptail she was my best friendd dont know how to handle it dont know if i can make it with out my mom

[Susan Y]

Hello Flower - I lost this website but found it again. I am so sorry that you lost your Mom. You have read all of my post so you know my story. I was doing pretty good but the grief is back with a fury. My heart aches all over again. Bless on your journey through this. This website has helped me. So glad I found it again.

[Patrice]

You are greatly loved beloved daughter of Almmighty GOD! God is with you and will see you through this difficult time. I believe that your mom is forever with you and smiling at you as I write these words. She loves you so much and wants you to be happy. You will see her again in paradise.

I lost my mom on 4/16/2011 to metastatic breast cancer. She was my best friend. Everday I miss her and think about her. My comfort rest in that she is with the LORD and pain free! The book of Ecclesiates states that the dead are happier than the living and that the day of ones death is better than the day of one birth. I have been thinking about these scriptures this week. They give me great comfort.

Your mom left her scent in her clothes that you have. No matter how many times you wash them, the scent remains. I think that is so beautiful. I would love to be able to smell my mom again. Think of this scent as a gift from GOD. He loves you so much, Susan. Your mom is not gone! She stepped over into eternity. The spirit is the essence of ones being. Her spirit can never die!! Her spirit is in heaven. Your mom knows who she is and is blissfully happy with the LORD. I love you with the agape love of GOD. Shalom.

Patrice

[Babypod]

Susan,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost my Grandmother almost 7 months ago - we were very close and she was more like a mother/best friend/grandmother all rolled up into one. I understand how empty it can be. I have four children and a great husband - yet I just feel empty and alone.

I have no doubt that your mom is someplace wonderful and being cared for. I have no doubt what so ever. Heck - maybe right now her and my Grandmother are looking at us from where ever they are and talking to us.

As for the signs - I think the ones they can give are hard to see sometimes. I know when my Grandma first died I saw/smelled/heard things that can only be explained as her - but since that first couple of weeks I haven't seen or heard anything major. My dreams are now me trying to save her or her home from death or bad things - I think they are my subconscious worry about her. I can say there are moments when I swear I can feel her hug me.

Saving items is totally normal. I have a smock of my Grandma's that I hug and kiss most nights before bedtime.

I hope you continue to use this group - it is very helpful!

Angel

[pmpupdamike]

Susan..I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father about 4 weeks ago. I have three children as well. I think I hid my grief in my daily routine. I am not sure about signs, I suppose I am still waiting for mine. I do think however, that life has a strage way of putting things into place, and those facets, are signs for some, and coincendences for another.

[Susan Y]

Thank you Patrice and everyone else that replied. I just figured out there was a second page of replies.. I am somewhat slow on this website. I do believe my Mom is in heaven and pain free. I know her faith is strong and she loved God and was always living her life for him. Knowing this, knowing she is pain free should ease my pain. It really doesn't. I want to call her and talk to her. Kiss her cheeks and laugh with her. Shop with her, tell my secrets and I can't. I envy your faith. I still have faith in God. I just wish I could use that to make me feel better. I do feel some better knowing she is not suffering anymore but my selfish part wants her back. Praying for faith like yours! Thank you so much you words were by inspiring.

[mlisers]

Hi,

I am new here. I lost my mom five years ago. I can say it gets better and it does not. I am here because I need support, because after five years it still hurts. It helps to know others are going through the same thing. My mom was my best friend. I have felt what you said in your original post about not feeling her and my mom also promised to always be there. I used to cry in my garden, begging her to make herself known to me. Then one day, I looked around at the amazing garden I had built and she slapped me in the face. I could not have built that garden without her, she taught me everything I know. It was my best harvest. I laughed and cried at the same time. I know she is with me in all I do because she made me who I am. It does not always help though. There is no garden beautiful enough I would not trade for a moment in her arms. The best we can do I guess is to find comfort in those slaps in the face, those moments when we realize they are here and never left.

[Susan Y]

Hello Mlisers! I loved your comment about the garden. I so agree there are those moments of "slaps in the face" My kids are 3, 7 and 9. My Mom worshiped them. When I was down this week they surrounded me with silliness, laughing and trying to wrestle me. That helped me remember one of my greatest gifts in life. My Mom lived for her kids. It was olmost like a reminder from her to find comfort in them. I am sorry for the loss of your Mom. We will always miss our Moms I think. I talked to an elderly lady who lost her Mom many years ago and she said she still wishes for conversations with her. I always say that grief is one of our flaws when God created us. Of course we should feel pain and sorrow but it should fade to acceptance within 2 months and we can miss them but not have such intense pain and longing for them. Glad you found this website. It has been helpful to know I am not crazy