Susie Q Posted October 6, 2011 Report Share Posted October 6, 2011 Dear Dave So happy that your dad is recovering well. Being able to empathise and intervene when appropriate for others is one of the few goods to have come out of this nightmare for me. I recently had the opportunity to explain quietly to someone that the strange reactions they were witnessing from an employee who had recently lost their husband could be part of the fog and disorientation of grief. It prompted the boss to talk quietly to the person and step back from asking for certain tasks to be done that the employee just couldn't face at that time. Good result all round. Glad you could help the young man -- he probably felt overwhelmed and powerless - and don't we know how that feels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 6, 2011 Report Share Posted October 6, 2011 Good going, Dave. You are handling a tough week really well including helping a fellow worker. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted October 6, 2011 Report Share Posted October 6, 2011 Dear Dave, I am so happy that, things are looking up for your father. Out of the ICU, WOW, what a turn around from last week. These emotions low and hi can be draining on anyone, let alone someone going through grief. Doesn't make you feel good inside, that you were the one that made the difference in your co-worker, and getting him the time of like they gave you. Way to go Dave, But please eat, rest and do take care of yourself. We do not want to hear that you are sick also! Dave in my hospice group meetings, we have gay and lesbian people who come also. We all treat them like family. Love Is Love, there is no way around it. You feel the GREAT loss just like I do. I know your pain, and you know mine, we are all HUMAN, all with the very same emotions as everyone on this planet. Back in the early nineties one of my best workers was gay. He was the best man in the place. He came in one day with bruises on his face. Some people had beat him up, just for being himself. I told him, I would take him home and pick him up for work. He said thanks but did not want me to travel out of my way. I knew he had Aids before he told me. I said I know, he asked how, I told him I could see the signs, way before. That I had talked to the owner of the company and I wanted and needed Ronnie, to work as long as he wanted to. He was that good. The owner said ok, but this stays between us and no one else. Even the shop manager did not know. He worked 2 more years before his health declined to where he felt he had to leave the job. He was going into a place to be taken care of. I gave him a 19" color TV for his room. I told the home he went to, that when he passed I want to be called, but they did not, so I never got to say the final goodbye to a friend and my co-worker. I hope you get great support at this new grief meetings you will be going to. Take care Dave, I wish your father keeps getting better. God Bless Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted October 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2011 Dewayne Thanks for the support you gave your co-worker and your groups acceptance in your grief support group, for the gay/lesbian population, it is wonderfull!! I have gone to other grief support groups...unfortunately have felt that I could never say the name Mike in our conversations, he was only called my spouse....So tonight, will feel free to open up, and not feel vulnerable that I will be judged by others, and can celebrate the love I have for Mike! One of the great things I have felt here is complete acceptance!!! For which I am very gratefull !!! Although Mike and I were "out" to our family and friends we were carefull to be quiet about our relationship to others, when this happened in our lives, I lost all guard about this and didnt care who knew.....have to say that I have had nothing but respect and support shown to me by neighbors and coworkers!!! When I look back on this I am amazed, many yrs of being conditioned, to stay quiet, went away......although I felt vulnerable "out there", my grief outweighed those concerns......but.....when I went to one of the grief support groups.....I just couldnt take the chance, in my weakened state to deal with any "problems" associated with this though.........on the flip side of this coin I have to say.....I ALSO havent given others, in that grief support group the chance to show me the love and acceptance that I have recieved here! There seems to be a wonderfull change in society now with the acceptance of the gay/lesbian population and I look hopefull to the future for the younger population...... Thought it was a big deal when my father in his weakened state was telling others , in the hospital what a rough yr it was, to have lost his son-in-law and to be so sick, he has come along way, made me proud! Anyway, going to be a long day, I live a hr away from work and alot of things.....figure I will be on the road for 4 hrs today just commuting!!! The price I must pay for living away from the hustle/bustle that I see in the Phoenix "big city" life......I have had, almost 30 different addresses in my life, have lived around the world!!! And yet the Phoenix area is the largest area I have ever lived in!!!! And yet I was able to find a little peace living out here on our acreage, horse country all around me!A place where there is no Home Owner Association telling me that i cant have a pot of flowers on my porch, a place where if the dogs escape, the neighbors take them in until I get home, but for today, I wish I lived in town!!! Oh well, a price to pay for everything.......how well we all know...... Woke up this am, yelling " Mike I miss you" dont know what I was dreaming of, but surprisingly so wasnt crying......interesting....today it is raining a bit here a big deal for this part of the world, amazing that the roads here can be just as slick as the roads back in mt, with all the snow we use to get, so will be cautious Everyone please take care!! Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 6, 2011 Report Share Posted October 6, 2011 Dave, I am so glad you feel accepted here. I will never understand the prejudices our society takes on...all fear based. When I joined the grief support group for spousal loss here with Hospice last year it was announced that spousal loss includes married heterosexual couples, partners who live together and same sex partners. It was a non-issue. Madison WI is extremely open minded....gigantic gay population as a result which makes me so happy. As a therapist I have done a lot of individual and couples therapy with same sex couples. I think society has made strides but will be happier when marriage is approved in all 50 states. It is coming. Bill and I have always chosen to tolerate the drives to the big cities rather than live in them. For a while we had 67 acres in the Wisconsin woods....creeks, deer, wild turkey....a piece of heaven. Worth the drive to our clinic in Madison. No one told me what to do....works for me too. I hope you can get some rest so you do not get sick.....see if you can sneak in some rest these days. So so glad dad is better. Your mom is probably reeling but you will be able to connect with that as a result of losing Mike. Glad you are going to support groups. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted October 7, 2011 Report Share Posted October 7, 2011 Dear Dave, I am glad that I can touch your heart and soul, with no judgement. We all hurt, we all feel the pain, sadness, guilt, anger, and all the emotions going trough our grief. I treat everyone they way I want to be treated, with respect. I hope your father continues to improve everyday, until he can go back home and live again. I wish you all the best in this life. I hope that someday, you will find someone to not take Mikes place, but someone you can start life with and live again. You are way to young to travel all your life alone. Gob Bless Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted October 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2011 Dad is home!! doing reasonably well!!! What a crazy week!! My day yesterday was eventfull.....with a class at work, commute, I then went by Mikes condo, first time since he moved in with me .......some tears fell, but not as bad as anticipated. For I really felt great peace remembering that our home is where I am at now and his home will be wherever I settle in the future. I got home to my Bereavement Counseling session, we discussed the possibility that after yrs of caring for others.....seeing horrible things, caring for Mike, and caring for myself during this dark time, and seeing the real chance that I could lose dad.......I feel that yes I could have some PTSD at present......will as the counselor said, work on some gentle care for myself..... I then went and took care of some other family conflict, and left that situation with great peace knowing that I dont need to be around that toxic person for awhile.... I then went to the Gay Grief Support group in the eve, it was good to meet others and talk, it was good to hear others storys, and see how some are coping after losing their partners and other family members, and suffering from the loss of pets, jobs, and homes during this poor economy, Made me feel lucky that I am in just the situation I am.....and sad to hear others report that after the loss of their partner.....how family members would just move in taking all possesions, with out regard for the survivor......tragic, and yet am hopefull that samesex marraige will soon be legal nationwide, so these stories.....wont continue! I even took a nap yessterday.......what a day!! Doing ok here for now, tomorrow will bring another challenge......my first funeral since I lost Mike, my coworker asked that I come to the funeral of his mom......my first thought was no, I cant do that......but that young man needs some guidance.....or better said some support.....so will do what I feel I need to do..... Take care! DAve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted October 8, 2011 Report Share Posted October 8, 2011 Dear Dave, As my friend Spike Lee used to say, "Do the right thing." You seem to be doing just that. Hang in there. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 8, 2011 Report Share Posted October 8, 2011 Good for you, Dave....your dad coming home, your nap, your supporting your co-worker....good going. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 9, 2011 Report Share Posted October 9, 2011 Dave, That is wonderful news! Now, to give yourself some TLC... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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