One Month Today

[DebbieS]

In about four hours, my husband, love of my life and honey bear will be gone for one month. The last few days of his life, he was in a coma with a ventilator and medications keeping his heart beating. Friends of mine from Tucson just left about an hour ago. I really am blessed to have such loving friends. It doesn't take away the pain, but I do know I am loved... just not the way my honey bear loved me.

I have a very large blown up photo from the memorial service propped up on my dresser by his military flag and his urn. I pick up his urn and hold him close. Long before he passed, we talked about dying and being cremated. I asked him where he wanted his ashes placed. He said he wanted them to be close to me. So, that is where they are- on the dresser, next to the bed. He never asked me where I wanted my ashes to be. I realized this morning that the reason was he could not bear to think of being without me. I understand that feeling very deeply right now. I had told him that should I go first, I wanted him to find someone to love him and take care of him. He didn't like those sentiments at all, but he knew I wanted him to be loved and cared for. I always thought I would be better equipped to manage the grief. Maybe I am, but I am totally unprepared for the overwhelming pain I feel most of the time.

The only relief I have had since he passed was playing Scrabble with a couple of my girlfriends. I thanked them for the relief. Since that time, we have played again, and the girls want to make it a regular event. We are very different in many ways. The younger is 31 and teaches school. The other on is in her mid-forties and is a vet. I am 55 and have worked with the mentally ill for many years (currently on leave). The thing we have in common is recovery from addiction. I have been clean for almost 26 years. I plan on celebrating that anniversary on November 22nd. That's another thing. My husband was born on November 22, 1948. We used to joke about sharing the day. I admit that there was a time when I was resentful of sharing my clean "birthday" with his chronological one. How I wish I could share this one with him!

I am all over the place with making decisions. I am scheduled for elective surgery in December. I have gone from thinking I will just reschedule it for a couple of weeks from now to thinking I will cancel it all together. I understand not making big decisions. Does that mean canceling previously made decisions, too? Funny, I have worked on the helping/giving side of the table for a long time. Being on the receiving side is humbling. I can help you find your own truth, but I am having difficulty making decisions of my own. On an intellectual level, I get it. On a heart level, I am all over the place.

Okay, I am rambling. I just wanted to let you all know it is yet another anniversary day. I appreciate your support. I am feeling undeserving of it, but I do appreciate it.

[dave s]

Debbie, today is the 5 month anniversary of my loss of Mike, I feel your pain.....keep hoping it will get better, but it hasnt, have learned to control my grief so I can work, survive in society, have laughed some on the way, and on occasion have smiled, but the grief is always waiting for me. I woke up this am feeling pretty good, and then realized after reading a sad story.....one of the phrases was ' Love is like a bright light that warms your soul. It is the heart-pounding, alump int the throat, the cant live without you feeling, emotional intoxication, the heart breaking and a miracle all at the same time. It changes you forever". and again realized that this grief wont stop.

And yet I feel that this loss has changed me forever, after reading this I couldnt stop crying and went for a drive, it did help to clear my mind and organize my thoughts. I have come to the conclusion that people fall in love many different ways, none is better than the other. But when I met Mike it was love at first sight, at least for me........that had never happened before, and it was funny that I should realize that now....after all this time. We were soo different, and yet seemed to compliment each others flaws, and were inseperable, except for the few times I wanted to expedite his demise!!!! He was no saint...but with stating this he made great efforts to change, which tells me I was so important to him also. And so I am crying again.......

I understand stand how you are feeling about making decisions, having a hard time here still, really have a hard time taking care of others as a nurse, and have also taken time off......it has helped....but going to work and caring for others.....leaves me emotionally and physically exhausted and provides me with little satisfaction. Really dont think that that will return ........and know it is time for me to really be thinking of returning to school for something else.........hopefully Mike will guide in the right direction on that path.

Isnt the weather great here now!!!! Had to swing by Lowes again........I think I am addicted to that store and bought somemore plants on sale.......have projects I need to complete inside, but want to enjoy this weather. Take care! DAve

[mfh]

As I clock it, this is about the hour of the day you mentioned in your post. Know that you are not alone and many, including me, are holding you in the light today. This loss has changed you....and when you are ready you will deal with that. For now it is one day at a time...as you walk through pain and loss. I wish you peace,

Mary

[Dwaynecg]

Dear DebbieS,

We are all here for you, we have all been where you are now. The only way to cope, so early in your grief, is just minute by minute, day by day. I hold you in my thoughts today. I know the true love you lost. Take care of you right now. Eat, get plenty of rest, and yes it was very humbling for me also. To ask for help from others, because I could not do either the first month. Please keep coming back and let out every emotion you feel. We all get it, we traveled this path you are going down now. You are not alone.

God Bless

Dwayne

[kayc]

Debbie and Dave...my thoughts are with you both, anniversaries of death days are hard. It's not like we forget for one moment that they're gone, but it seems to hit all the harder on those days as they jump out at us with no escape. All of us here are thinking of you.

[mkenwater]

Hello Debbie. I lost my wife/best friend in the world/soulmate 4 months ago. I'm with you. Like you and your loved one, my wife and I were never in denial of her terminal illness of the horrible pancreatic cancer she had, but we accepted it and did not talk about it. Its funny, during the last year that we had together, whenever we were watching TV and she would get up, I would say, "where you going?," and she would always reply, "Heaven". I still get a great feeling when I look over at her place on the couch and think of that. Sharon had a wish that if she went first, that she would be cremated and here Urn-ashes reside on her nightstand next to the bed. That is exactly where they are. She also told me that she demanded that I be happy and find a good friend(s) to go out with, have dinner, and do other things on occasion. It is trying sometimes, but we agreed that her passage to heaven would be considered a "Celebration of Life." I feel that I have learned how to accept my grief and deal with it in a positive manner at this point in my life, even though I miss her dearly and continuously think about her. I came across a new quote this weekend that basically sums it up, "Why wait for the Storm to pass, when you can learn to dance in the Rain". I got involved in a Widow to Widow Grief Support Group that meets in Tempe once a week and it has been a GodSend.

Take care, we are all here to support and understand.