Newbie,new Pain

[aloneinDixie]

My wife,my best friend,my soulmate passed away on Nov.14th of this year. I have cried some,but I know I am still in shock. I get up and start to call the Hospital to check on her,then it hits me STUPID!! She is gone... I shed a tear and then stare at her pic,then look at her on the Nightstand. In her urn,and wish that God would take me too. She had Luekemia,and had septic shock. She was in the hospital to have a bilateral amputation of her legs. She made it through having her feet removed,but she was too weak when the Drs. decided to go ahead and finish with the follow up surgery. She never woke up after the second surgery. 4 days later she was dead,and my world has come to a halt. We have 2 kids that are so devastated. I know I must be strong for them but I can't be something I am not. I am shattered,broken,and so wishing that God would just please take me home so I could be with my Wife my love. I am in so much pain I do not know if I will make it thru this season... It hurts so bad. I miss my best friend so so much..

Latricia Renea Patterson 1966-2011 My Loving Wife Rest in Eternal Peace.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear AloneinDixie,

We have all been where you are at right now, we have all felt those feelings of total, loss and despair. Although our journeys are different for each and everyone of us, we have all found this place out of, and from a great loss of the true love of our life.

It has not even been a month for you yet, and the biggest and most important step you have taken is to reach out to others, who have traveled the same path that you have been sent down in life now.

I welcome you to this very wonderful site with many very great people on here who can help you get through the very hard time ahead. Be sure to try to take care of yourself, try to eat a healthy diet, rest as much as you can and let time go by. You need not to answer to anyone. I do not know how old your children, if they still live at home of not. If they have families of the own. Just keep in mind that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, It comes and goes like waves and storms on the ocean. All we can do is wait for calm water again, you will get there, it just takes time.

I lost my wife Pauline of 33 years together last February 25, 2011, so it has only been just over 9 months for me. You are not alone. Keep coming back and talking about any and everything that is on your mind or that you feel. My heart goes out to you.

God Bless

Dwayne

[mfh]

I am so so sorry for your loss. We, here, all understand the loss of a spouse/partner and are doing what you are doing-attempting to deal with the pain, the loss and ultimately find a way to live with it. Be gentle with yourself, be patient. Journaling helps me a lot. Talking to people and crying with someone helps also for many of us. Your kids might someday go through the same thing and they did not lose a spouse, they lost a mom. If they are adults, I would not worry too much about being strong for them. With younger children, it is a balancing act...allowing them to see your pain but providing security for them in their own loss. I felt the same way you did when my husband died 20 months ago...I did not want to live, could not figure out how I would live. I am grieving and doing my grief work and see changes over time. You are still in shock. I don't hardly remember the first four months after Bill's death so just be kind to yourself and do what you need to do and stay with us here....we are all walking this path together. Peace, Mary

[MartyT]

Dear One, there is precious little I can add to the wise words already written to you by Dwayne and Mary, and I hope you will take them to heart. Given the dates you've shared, it looks as if your wife died at the relatively young age of 45, so I imagine your two children are fairly young and still at home with you. I want you to know that there are many, many sources of information, comfort and support to assist you in this new role of being a single parent; I can direct you to some of them now, but I encourage you to explore them only when you feel ready and able to do so. In the meantime, please know that it's okay to let your children know how sad, how devastated you are and how much you miss their mother ~ because that is the truth, and more than anything your kids need you to be honest with them. This also gives them permission to feel whatever they are feeling (including anger at the situation) and know that they're not "bad" or "wrong" for feeling as they do. They also need to know that, although you are devastated, you are still their father, and you will do everything you can to make sure they are still loved and cared for. For now, that is all your kids need to know. When you're ready to take in more than that, you'll find a whole lot more information here: Child, Adolescent Grief.

We're all so very sorry for your loss, but grateful that you've managed to find your way to this warm, compassionate place. Here, you are not alone in your grief. With open arms and caring hearts we welcome you.

[kayc]

Alone,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious wife, that is the hardest thing in the world to experience, and we've all been through it. How old are your children, if I might ask? Yes, this is a hard season to get through...perhaps parents, siblings, could help you through the kids' holidays if they're young? I went to my doctor when my George passed away, it helps to get a thorough check up and talk to him/her. Try to jut take one day at a time and not look at the years or months looming ahead, it's too much right now. Take good care of yourself, even if it feels like you're just going through the motions, you've been through the biggest jolt of your life, it takes every ounce you can muster to get through it but you don't have to go it alone, we're here for you and we're listening to you.

[aloneinDixie]

Thank you all for your kind words. Our kids are 17 and 12.

[kayc]

Your kids are of an age then that you can talk with them about how they feel and want to handle Christmas. It might be easier if the three of you try something totally different this year, helping at a soup kitchen, going to a ski resort, something you've never done before. But I would definitely consider their input, esp. since they're having such a rough time of it. You might want to incorporate what I've done...I hang George's stocking up and we can write something to him and put it in there...maybe a memory, maybe how much we miss him, something personal, just for him. It's helped me by remembering him, not like I'd forget anyway! And if your kids don't want to do Christmas at all, that's fine too. Too bad there's not someplace to just go fishing this time of year...

[aloneinDixie]

Thank you so much. We are trying to manage Christmas kinda going at it like always. My Daughter is with my Ex-wife and My son is with his Grand Parents. I am working so we just try to move past the holidays. I have fought to NOT put up the tree,but am doing it now. It was her favorite thing to do,so I can't stand to not have the tree up. I know I will be a puddle as I look at it,but I do it out of LOVE for my Beloved wife. She meant so much and I want to honor her,and keep some of our traditions alive.I made her Turkey sandwich Thursday night after Thanksgiving like she always did. So,I will keep the tree tradition alive for her as well. Even when My lil girl goes off to College My Son and I will keep it up and going. I hope she is watching and smiling,cuase I really am trying to keep this going,but OMG I am so lonely and want to be with her so bad.

[kayc]

I am sure she is proud of you and I hope the tree brings you some comfort as you remember years past...I know it is hard.

[nats]

Alone,

I fully understand your sadness and loss, your story touched me as my wife also loved Christmas with the tree and all the decorations along with her snowmen...you are conquering a huge step in your grief putting up that tree I did as well my first Christmas with no regrets and I have it up this year as well with the start of a small village in my new home, I did cry alot decorating it but it's so beautiful and I know she loves it just as your wife will loves yours...keep the positive energy flowing your path will be smoother...

I wish you comfort and peace in the days ahead...

NATS

[lance]

Alone, I feel the pain as you do. My dear wife,Kathy(51),of 29 years died three weeks prior to your dear Latricia, and it happened so so fast.Diagnosed oct.5 with small cell lung cancer and oct 6 on morphine and a ventilator,she passed on oct 21.I,as you,went ahead with the tree decorations for my grandson.19 months old. We can die, We can exist till we die, or we can live. And you have to choose to LIVE ... Im prayin for you and the kids. Lance

[aloneinDixie]

Oh it is finally here. CHRISTmas..

I went to work last night and came home and thought I was fine. I ate then went to sleep. I got up this afternoon,came in the Living room and LOST it. All the emotions of knowing my soulmate and love of my life is gone hit me like it did a month ago. I got the kids some gifts,and I think about last year how we (Trish and I) would wrap them together and smile waiting for them to come home from Mtgy. Now I sit here looking at gifts alone and crying like a stupid baby. I think I am doing better then wham!! I fall right back to crying uncontrollably again.

I Thank each and everyone of y'all for your endearing words of support and Love. I Thank you and Love from the bottom of my Heart. I know Trish is not hurting and is in Heaven with our Lord and our Families waiting. It is a comfort knowing she can't hurt anymore,but honestly it does not take my hurt away or the pain of missing her so much.

Thank you again.. I wish all a very Merry CHRISTmas...

[mfh]

The waves of grief...they come in and some knock you over and all but swallow you up...others just wash by quietly but tearfully. of course, you are sad today...memory after memory comes up for you. But you are not crying like a "stupid baby". You are grieving like someone who loved deeply and that is not stupid or childish...

I have had some bouts of tears today and am going shortly to a friend's home for dinner but frankly it will be difficult even though this friend is kind and understanding. There is just no good place to be when we are so lonely for the one we love and so much in pain.

We are all in this together and holding each other up so the flood waters don't drown us.

And you are right...we are grateful our loved one is not in pain but it does not diminish our pain.

With hopes for a moment of peace today.

Mary

[kayc]

Yes it is hard, and the only thing that seems to help is time. I used to hate hearing that because that was the one thing I had no control over. I wanted to speed up time so I could get on the other side of that excruciating PAIN, but there is no speeding it up and no way through it but to go straight through it. But it helped me tremendously to come here and know that I wasn't alone, here there were others that understood and I wasn't crazy, this was all "normal" and to be expected. for me, the first year truly was the worst, all of the "firsts without"...so I viewed the 1st year anv. of his death as a milestone of survival. There hasn't been a Christmas go by that my mind and heart haven't been on George, I reckon it'll always be that way.