sueblueuk Posted January 14, 2012 Report Share Posted January 14, 2012 Hello, I am just in the first steps of 'the journey'. My partner was alot older than me and always warned me I could left on my own. I took early retirement to spend more time with him and four months later lost him after a short illness. We had no children - none of my family are local. He didnt want to see anyone but me when he was ill - his twin sister wanted to come but he didnt want her upset. Talk about life being turned on its head. The emptiness of the house , the lack of someone to talk to and to hug. Unbearable doesnt begin to describe it. I go to a grief counsellor who has been very helpful. I cant contemplate the thought of the empty years ahead - I do try and take each day at a time but it is so hard. I find these websites so much comfort, you begin to think you are going mad until you read the experiences of others. I am thinking of you all out there struggling with loss and grief. Susan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 14, 2012 Report Share Posted January 14, 2012 Dear Susan, With the sadness that this loss brings with it, I welcome you to this group. You will find all kinds of understanding and support here.... I understand the silent house. Bill was older than I by 9 years. We had no kids together. My family is out of town and frankly do not know what to do with me....as well intentioned and loving as they are and try to be.... It is unbearable but somehow we all bear it....we, who believe we could not survive, have survived through the pain and loss....and somehow we will learn how to live with this pain. It is a one-day at a time journey. Being gentle with yourself matters a lot...educate yourself by reading many of the posts that Marty makes and has on her GriefHealing.com site. We will stick with you and reach out. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 14, 2012 Report Share Posted January 14, 2012 Susan, Welcome to this site, I am sorry you lost your husband. Many of us find ourselves isolated without family or friends nearby and are left to deal with this on our own. How long has it been for you? It does help to come here, it helps to know there are other that understand and care. I'm glad you found a good grief counselor and that is helping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted January 14, 2012 Report Share Posted January 14, 2012 Welcome Susan, I'm sorry for your loss. This site saved me many times over. I hope you will find some comfort here and not so alone on your journey. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sueblueuk Posted January 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2012 Thank you all for your kind messages. My other half only died at the end of October so things are very raw. Somebody asked me today what I did for fun - I cant think of a single thing. When he was alive he was my 'fun' , although he was older than me we had the same sense of humour and looking after him was also 'fun'. He seemed to make light of any situation no matter how hard it got. We laughed at the same things - it was uncanny. I feel so bereft , the evenings drag on and on . I have been getting very forgetful and keep losing things but I read a piece of advice that said 'Just do the next thing' . I have been trying to do several things at once which has proved very unsuccessful. I so wish I could talk to him again, I had an idea I would be able to communicate with him on some level - we never used to shut up when we were together. Instead just the ticking of the clock and a quiet house. At least I know I am not on my own and I am thinking of you all out there. Susan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 16, 2012 Report Share Posted January 16, 2012 Susan, yes one thing at a time. If nothing else this journey reinforces our need to live IN the moment....we can't really see too far ahead anyway. You CAN talk to him. I do it all the time...it helps a lot. I write him letters once in a while also. I believe our loved ones are just a whisper away....You are very raw right now...patience is essential. I still need a lot of it 22 months later....just patience to allow this process to work itself out. You are not on your own...there are a bunch of us here....with you. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aloneinDixie Posted January 17, 2012 Report Share Posted January 17, 2012 Susan, I can relate with you,as I lost my Soulmate in Nov. and it is VERY raw.We too did everything together and so now thinking of going off,leads to to thinking of all the times we did that. We could talk for hours about nothing,just lying in each other's arms. Now I sit in this house all alone,as the kids go do their thing on the weekends and are in school thru the week.I go to work,then come home and just think of all the times we laid here and talked. I look at our closet and pray that she will come back and put on her clothes that she loved so much. You have a lot of friends here. I know,as they have helped me too. It is a long hard road,and with faith and friends and loved ones we will all make it. God Bless Donald Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 17, 2012 Report Share Posted January 17, 2012 I also write letters to George whenever I feel the need to, not as much now as in the first few years, but still, on occasion. Sometimes I wonder if he knows what's going on in my life. Oh how I wish I could talk to him! I know some people believe in conversing with the dead, but I haven't experienced anything like that, I wish it were possible, but I do believe I'll be with him again and I don't care whether in body or spirit so long as we're together. They say there isn't marriage in heaven, but I know one thing, I was his little one through all time and that will never change, how could it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 Susan, so sorry for your loss, but glad you have found this group, you also Donald. None of us are glad to be here, but grateful for the support and understanding we receive here. My husband Michael died two years ago, and although I have learned to cope mostly, I miss him every day, and talk to him. His ashes are in a large Arizona Red rock, which was hollowed out. I stand in front of that rock often and talk to him. Am so sorry you are both are having to travel this road that none of us wanted to be on.Thank heavens for this place to come where people understand, and I am very grateful for very supportive friends and family. Mary (queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 It is so so helpful to know that when each of us needs to share something of our pain and loss, this place is there with people who get it and who care. Thanks to all for being there. Susan and Donald-you are in good company. We will walk this path....which changes a lot-sometimes tougher and sometimes a bit easier. We just walk.... I am trying to figure out what I want to do to honor Bill's birthday on the 30th. I can't just let it go. I don't want to make it a big deal, though it is a big deal to me. I am thinking I will just take a drive (if roads are good) to the places we used to haunt....hills and lakes around here and include our honeymoon spot. In other words just be alone with the dog in the back seat....if the roads are bad....I will light a candle and look at some of the pictures and read many of the poems he wrote to me over the years. I will probably do that every year....These days are loaded with memories...birthday, trip to the hospital that became the beginning of the end, trip home via ambulance, and finally he took his leave...he "burst the surly bonds of earth"...and is waiting for me. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 Susan, I'm so sorry you lost your husband and I hope you'll find some comfort in this group. Your grief is fairly new, so you'll be going through a lot of things many of us experienced long before you joined. We're still grieving - otherwise we wouldn't be here - but I think those of us who've been here a while are managing life, with all its ups and downs. I lost my husband to cancer 17 months ago and I miss him terribly. He was 12 years older than me, but was my best friend and life partner. We have four sons, and all of us miss this wonderful man. However, it's different for me than for our sons. The silence of the house and my loneliness can be pretty overwhelming at times. As for the future - I've found that it's best not to think too far ahead. It tends to lead to panic. Live here and now, plow through the grief, and try to take comfort wherever you can find it. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salley Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 Hello Susan, I am sorry to read that you have recently lost your partner. I lost my husband 8 months ago, after being his caregiver for 18 months. It still hurts everyday. Even though the silence is overpowering, I seem to prefer having the house silent. We had no children and have no near relatives, so I feel quite alone at times. I am doing a lot of reading about dealing with grief and check in here most days. Yes, life has been turned on its head. I can't look to the future yet, that is too scary. I also am retired so can contemplate my situation with no hurry or pressures. This is a good place to find solace for whatever you are feeling. Beth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susie Q Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 Susan Welcome to this group of wise and caring people who can lift your spirits and give you hope when you have exhausted all of your own. Just knowing that somehow I will survive this from those who have been here longer has been a great gift. My husband was 10yrs older than me, and although the chances were that I would be the one left, the lifetime we spent together was worth this pain. Just so hard to bear now, of course. Somehow the constantly overwhelming days become reasonably manageable ones with most intense grief periods controlled to private times. The transition is a slow process but it does happen. People move on and expect you to do the same. You never do, but you get better at playing the part. I wish you some comfort - I remember just sitting for hours at a time in those first six months, crying and thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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