Looking For The Positives

[mfh]

Kay, it always feels like a shared time. The furniture store woman and I started chatting and soon we learned what we had in common. I just told her I would send her info and shared some as we talked but she had tears in her eyes when I told her about losing Bill...and I had tears as she talked about her mom. It is this mid-west down home culture...friendly. The friend with the nursery knew Bill and liked him so much. everyone did. she talked a lot about that when the conversation took a turn to her quandary about what to do next...so we spent a lot of time. Again we shared tears. I do not know..it just happens...I bump into friendly open people. I like that they come across my path and I come across theirs.

Mary

[kayc]

That's how it is here too, maybe because it's a small town. It doesn't seem that way in Eugene.

[mfh]

Yes, and because it is a small town when I am talking to people I do not know at all or barely know...I realize whatever I say will be repeated and altered in any way... so I tend to be a bit cautious and wise while also being open and even vulnerable. The furniture gal is what she called "just a farm gal". I felt sad that she minimized who she was because first of all she is amazing in what she has taken on with other family members and second...farm gals work hard all their lives making a living and providing food for all of us. Both of these women tended to minimize themselves and their needs. Good teachers for me.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

The ball game was great. The Red Sox won 7-2. I took my sister-in-law, who is the sole caregiver for Jane's nearly 90 year old Dad and really gets very few breaks. The seats were really good. Of course I didn't get home until after 1 a.m. and slept until 10:30 a.m.

Relay is less than two weeks away and I have a shirt to design and a program to start on, not to mention lots of yard work. My groundhog is still there--and that problem will need to be solved soon as he has moved onto the flower beds and is wiping out my perennials.But I am feeling pretty lazy today, so we will see how much I get done.

All this house and furniture talk has me thinking about my own indoor projects--including a new couch and repainting the living room, dining room, and kitchen. As my father-in-law warned us when we bought this place, being a homeowner means you always have something you need to do.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Dear Harry, so glad you got to enjoy the game and how lovely to take your caregiver sil with you....and the Red Sox won. How good is that?

Now i know this sounds stupid or silly but have you thought of befriending the groundhog i.e. make a garden for him and fence all the others with chicken wire. I mean fence beneath the plants....now I know it is too late to dig them up this year but what if next year you laid out chicken wire (tiny holes) and put soil and mulch over it as well as a fence around them. Train him...you guys could be friends You can stop laughing now...but wouldn't you be surprised if it worked? OK, I get it...you are rolling on the floor laughing now. But at least I gave you a laugh.

I agree on the house thing. One job leads to another. A friend gives me as a gift an art studio...all it needed were blinds to keep the sun from destroying my paints and masking in the afternoons (just in case we ever have sun here again???) So I get the blinds. Then I decided to have my builder remove the bookcase that I had far outgrown and that left a hole in the wall going to the garage so that hole became a door to a closet 8 feet deep and 4 week wide with shelves. Then I needed a rug and got that but the chair did not match so yesterday I got the chair. Am I done out there? I think so but then there is my office that needs a make-over...and then...and then...and then....But I WILL stop...I would rather spend money on something else..... once I reach a certain level.....like food, mortgage etc

[kayc]

Harry,

So glad you enjoyed the game. And you're so right about home ownership...right after George and I got back from our honeymoon, we were outside at 1:00 a.m. draining the water tank (I have a well and tank) which had become waterlogged...we're out there in our robe and slippers dealing with it when we discovered there was no water. I told him, "Welcome to home ownership!" The next day he was outside in a torrential downpour for HOURS (while I was in the house vomiting, I got sick and they sent me home from work) trying to locate the source of water leakage in the pipes, along with the guy from the well drilling place. It was the funniest thing, I never forgot it, about 4:00 pm the other guy was packing up to go home and George said, "Where do you think you're going! We're not done here yet!" (George could appear very intimidating, he was built like a wrestler) so the other guy stayed until George found the source of the problem and they got it fixed. Yep, welcome to home ownership, indeed!

[mfh]

I personally see crying as a good thing...a release, an expression, and more. Here is a piece I came across on why we cry...appropriate since most, if not all of us, are crying more now than ever in our lives.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/martha-pasternack/crying-emotional-health_b_3339858.html?ir=GPS+for+the+Soul

[HAP]

Dear Mary and Kay,

Yes, it was fun.

And yes, Mary, I am rolling on the floor laughing--or as close to that as I get anymore. Groundhogs know no limits. They will dig under nearly any fence--or vault or climb over it if they are feeling particularly frisky. Nasty creatures--rather like cute orcs if you want to know the truth. Not like gophers at all. But I keep putting off doing anything because I would prefer to find some kinder, gentler solution. Or at least a predator-prey solution. We have an eagle that has moved into the area and if I get lucky that will solve everything.

I chased him out of the radishes this afternoon--don't know if they will survive the night. Argh. This is what comes of being soft-hearted.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

I know someone, I can't call him friend but I like him. He lives at the edge of a nearby town and has groundhogs in his back yard which opens up to many acres that he also owns. He sits on his deck and shots the ground hogs like a carnival game. I could never shoot a living being in spite of living in a state that hunts anything and everything. We had our land posted (no hunting) when we had 67 acres. We moved a snapping turtle in our tractor as she held a shovel tightly in her jaws. We relocated a family of racoons, fed the deer, and buried any bird we found in our little cemetery knowing some critter would dig it up and eat it and that was ok also. Nature can be a tough teacher...especially for we who are soft hearted. Glad you had a good laugh. I figured you would. Frankly I thought it was rather humorous also.

[enna]

"In my own experience, both professionally and personally, crying is one of the body's ways to bring itself back to balance."

Taken from Mary's link above about crying -http://www.huffingto...PS for the Soul

I actually like to cry and when I'm finished I eat chocolate.

[kayc]

I see it as the relief valve on a pressure cooker. God only knows what would happen if we tried to keep it bottled up!

[mfh]

Such a juggling act I do...juggling pain and sadness along with successes, moments of happiness, and so much more. As I attempt to quit running about, I have missed events I have attended for 25 years. Saturday our nationally popular American Players Theatre had its opening night which includes a huge pot luck with half the town and then the play, a Shakespearean for sure. I missed it. Tonight I am missing the Rural Musicians Forum with the chamber orchestra of Dubuque Iowa. It starts in 5 minutes. Bill and I attended these since 1987. They are excellent. I am too tired to go. I have also missed many other events this past month...a lot of them. I worry about being left out and yet my desktop (laptop) has a list of 7 people who want to have lunch with me...and I have already said no to others for now. I am NOT bragging about being popular. I am telling you how neurotic is my fear. (I am truly a nut case A success...missing these things and honoring my exhaustion. But I do not say "no" easily or peacefully. It all feels so normal to attend it all. And it feels so good to rest after a "too busy" day.

Today I did a friend a favor and drove her to Madison (she was desperate), I did two errands there also and then decided that since I did that I needed to cancel my volunteer work at the food pantry for the late afternoon (they always have lots of help) and the RMF concert tonight because my body was yelling at me, telling me I am tired. So that was a success that honors my exhaustion.

I also walked past a photo of Bill on a table here a few minutes ago and tears fell...big time. Still are. So I continue to juggle sadness, success, and happy moments. Tricky stuff...and as good as I feel about the many "no's" I have said this past month, I look at the week and scratch my head. Tomorrow I follow my mentor around the nursing home (mentor and her pet partner). Wednesday Bentley gets groomed 45 minutes away and a long job...he has massively thick fur...and Thursday my mentor follows us around the nursing home...a first. Later, I will create my own program once mentoring is done. In between are things that demand more no's. I am starting to see just how much running I have done for 3 years. Blinders are very effective when one wants to escape fear. Now I stand and face it head on. The old me would not have said no to any of this. The new me says no several times a day and then squirms about wanting to change my mind. Awgh!!! Balance is a challenge. And I have clearly lacked balance....all out of fear that reared its head since Bill died. A fear I have finally identified in its source and fall out.

So as the Dubuque chamber orchestra plays on out in the woods in the Frank Lloyd Wright chapel...very ethereal....something Bill and I would be so eager to do tonight....I am here..with tears rolling down my face. But also experiencing some kind of weird and odd success...I guess.

My positive for the day or something. Mary

PS I return to insert this graphic I just saw. Says volumes.

[enna]

Well, first of all Mary - I like the graphic.

Second, I am worn out just reading about all of the things you did just today! You are always thinking of others and doing acts of kindness - I guess it is in your nature.

The tears are always going to come and i don't think we will ever get used to them. I did the same thing today when I was moving something on the fireplace mantel and I picked up a picture of Jim and really looked at it. I cried.

Good luck with your very busy week. I know you and Bentley will do just fine. Enjoy watching the love he gives to others. That should be a real positive.

I and many of your forum friends applaud you for all you accomplish.

[mfh]

Anne, I find that when I am tired or when I am doing more than I should at this point...that the tears flow more easily now. In the early days, they just flowed constantly and tired or not. So when I cry, I am now looking at my schedule, my betrayal of my needs and my schedule. Sometimes I am just sad and weep. Other times...it is schedule and fatigue.

I have ONLY a 90 minute event today...following my mentor around the nursing home down the street.

Tomorrow I have to take Bentley to be groomed and while he is being groomed, I will get groceries.

Thursday, I take Bentley for the first time to the nursing home and I am nervous that he will be ok, not stressed and not too exuberant.

So even though there is a lot on my plate, it is really just one thing per day because I canceled the rest. Standing ovation, please !!

Mary

[enna]

Have fun with your mentor today, Mary. Sending a standing ovation to you as requested.

My positive today is I awakened with our AZ temperature here in The Valley of the Sun being in the double digits only. Today's high will be 109 degrees - pool time for me. Anne

[MartyT]

I'm standing, too, Mary!

You said, "I am nervous that he will be ok, not stressed and not too exuberant." Just remember (and I know you will) that Bentley will pick up on and reflect your own mood. I hope you will use these days beforehand to get yourself into a calm, relaxed and confident state of mind. You already have all the tools you need to make that happen, so do make that a priority and use them with that goal in mind ~ and know that you have all of us in your pocket to cheer on the both of you on Thursday. ♥

[kayc]

It has cooled down into the 60s this week, 40s at night. It's supposed to rain off and on, maybe even Tstorms late this week. A nice reprieve from the hot weather!

Yep, I can't imagine keeping up Mary's schedule! Or fae's! Anne, I hope all is going well with you and Benji.

[mfh]

Anne, thank you for the standing ovation and I do LOVE the graphics. It is 88 here today...I still remember one day in the 80s when Bill and I were in the driveway (quarter plus mile long) with the tractor, shoveling sand out of the culvert. It was 103 degrees and he stripped down to skiviez and gym shoes. So, I decided I could do likewise. So there we are shoveling away in the heat when I hear our neighbors tractor coming around the bend in our driveway and race to the tractor to get a t-shirt. He yells out..."too late, Mary". I remember the day not because of that but because it was hotter than Hades...when you say it is 106...I melt reading those words.

Marty, thank you for the reminder. I just had lunch with my mentor and said to her, "I have to focus on being calm because Bentley mirrors every feeling I have." So, I WILL do this. The nursing home is small, 45 beds, part of it brand new as it grows...clean and lovely...small town people taking care of neighbors. There were a number of people who did not want to see Ryder (like Toto in Oz), a number that could hardly wait to see him, and of course, some asleep in their chairs. I am getting more and more clear that I do not want to operate in a fear based culture. As I talked at lunch with my mentor I kept hearing the bad things that could happen if I go on my own....no insurance to cover me. She is the VP of Dogs on Call, the local group I belong to. I have trouble with the rules...always have. Check out Maria in the Sound of Music. I learned a lot today and it was helpful. Bentley and I go on Thursday. I talked to Mark, owner and director, who knows me. He said I am welcome to bring Bentley UNofficially anytime...I "am allowed to do that if I wish but...no insurance, no vest." So, I ponder. I could go more often if I did that. Lots of people are turned off by the rules as am I. These are Pet Partner rules (former Delta) all liability based. We shall see.

[MartyT]

Mary, my dear ~ I just feel a need to say this. There is no shame in deciding to change your mind about any or all of this. Nobody says that you must turn Bentley into a therapy dog. It was a lovely idea, but if you find that the rules are too restrictive for your own comfort level, you can take pride in knowing that you did all you could to make this happen ~ and so did Bentley! If in the end, it didn't turn out to be what you had hoped, you are free to decide not to pursue it. I can assure you that no one here would think any less of you. With all the rules and restrictions and grooming requirements, maybe it's causing both of you more work and more stress than either of you really needs in your life right now. I'm just sayin' . . . ♥

[kayc]

Mary, standing ovation from me too! And I agree with Marty, do foremost what is best for you and Bentley. I relate to your concern about his emotions not getting out of whack because my Arlie...I have to guard his anxiety. I cannot leave him more than two nights because the last time he almost died and that was when he was being cared for in his own home by my son, whom he loves. He can't be away from me for too long or he gets separation anxiety. He could never be a guide dog or service dog because he gets over-excited too easily, I have to guard his exposure to excitement. When we are walking if he gets over stimulated he's hard to handle, it's like he doesn't hear me then...I respond the same way you would with someone who has ADHD, I gently touch him, but also restrain him, work on getting his emotions under control, sometimes it means tethering him to a post for extra leverage, but it is real hard when someone approaches with little yippy yappy dogs that get him over worked up when I'm telling them NOT to. We all know our own dogs best and how best to handle them, what they need. I hope Bentley is happy to see you and calm when you get home.

[mfh]

Dear Marty, You are reading my mind and reading between my words. I am uncertain at this point what I want to do. I HAVE decided NOT to get involved with Dogs on Call any more than peripherally...if that. I get emails way too often asking for people to do far more than I want to do...at least right now as I attempt to regain health and energy. I am exhausted after the morning and lunch. I had not planned on lunch but that ended up being our review time... Today when I told Jan I will probably just do my own thing...i.e. take Bentley to the Senior Center, to homes of people I know who are sick/dying and am not sure about the nursing home...it was very difficult at this point to see people who are in the same state Bill was in towards the end. I also saw myself there someday...just did not feel good right now as I have sat and thought about it. I WILL finish the mentoring and take advantage of any learning available to me though most of what I am learning is how to obey the rules. I MIGHT check out Agrace as they have their own program..which my mentor put down because their rules are far less rigid....When I told Jan I would do my own thing she immediately talked fear of law suit, people in homes possibly causing trouble...and bathing him once a week instead of before each visit....this after I said I was not fearful of any of that and had no intentions of subjecting Bentley to weekly baths...not good for him. She just could NOT hear me and she is the VP of this group. It is her life and passion in many ways. Soooo the handwriting is on the wall. I told her I was exhausted and am moving very slowly. She did not get that even with an explanation. Soooo, I do not need to be involved with any of those attitudes and he is a registered therapy dog with Pet Partners so I can do what I want...without using the PP cover. It is difficult for me, as you intuitively know, to back down but I WILL walk away if I need to. I will see how he does on Thursday but I can guarantee you 1) Bentley will not be bathed more than one time a month or even 6 weeks or be stressed. 2) I will honor my voice and desires 3) I appreciate you reading me (no surprise) on this and seeing my vacillation and reaching out. It IS difficult for me. Thank you.

[mfh]

Kay, thank you. I am seeing how our fear based litigious society creeps into so many arenas. We shall see where I end up but I do feel able to say "no"...not easy but I will do it.

[kayc]

Mary, I applaud you, you have come a long ways! You are listening to your own inner heart, what you feel is right for you and for Bentley, what a good mom you are to put his needs ahead of other's wishes! All a part of parenting.

[kayc]

My positive is that my son won his robot competition yesterday. He didn't get to sleep the night before, working on his project so I didn't want to bother him last night but I'm sure I'll get more details this weekend when I see him. I'm so proud of him!

Update: Pictures/video posted on FB!

[mfh]

Well, the good news is that Bentley is clean and groomed and awesome and ready for his first visit tomorrow. I had a long long talk with the groomer who knows all there is to know about the organizations that serve dogs. She is a volunteer at the Humane Society and evaluates the dogs that come in. I learned that I do not want to be part of this group, so that decision is made. I will see how Bentley handled the nursing home tomorrow before I make more decisions. I do not need additional stress this summer. I do know that after this visit, I am out of that organization and go from there.

The mediocre news is that while I was waiting, a tornado warning was issued...my phone made a sound I never heard it make...and told me to take cover as I was driving. I guess 3 or 4 were spotted just west of where I was. So I got to the groomer's and watched the coverage at the groomer's for two minutes and it looked like heading home 25 minutes north would take me from warning area to watch area area so off I go with ugly skies around me. Made it home with some tension as the sky blackened behind me. Now I am under severe thunderstorm warning and it is mighty dark here. But I am back to watch area. So the evening will tell if more tornadoes are spawned. But I am home and that feels very good. I will get a shot of my clean and lovely Mr. B after a bit...need to watch the weather first. Got a roof on a Walmart down just north of us but we think so far it was rain so heavy that it went down...no injuries as it was in the receiving area.... so I am in between the areas. I do not like seeing Spring Green covered in red on the map. I discovered that being home feels very good when there is a warning. Heavy rains, wind, hail around us.